Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[clay]

ME: Do you know the difference between sex & salad?
HER: No.
ME: Want to go out tonight

[DamonK]

Originally Posted by claybaby

OMG! You are sick I tell ya, sick..BUT I LOVE it...thanks..guess being a nurse, I am NOT swayed by anything like this..I see my lil buddy a2l liked it, too...GMTA eh girl..lmao

I always get volunteered or volunteer myself to help with all the gross stuff my nurses need to do at work. Its fascinating, yet sometimes sickening.

That story about the cow.....omfg lmao

[Guy]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

[tiggs]

A friend sent me this via e-mail today:

"Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding"
― Betty White

[Janstevie]

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[tiggs]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[CockyDude]

What food makes women lose their desire for sex?
Wedding cake.

[CockyDude]

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

[Janstevie]

I got a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.

[CockyDude]

So Tommy & Johnny are in class & the teacher tells them they will be talking about "privates" tomorrow. The girls are to ask their mothers about vaginas & the boys are to talk to their dads about penis'.
Walking home that day Tommy asks Johnny if he knows what a penis is. "No" Johnny says, "But I'll ask my father tonight.". After dinner that evening Johnny asks his dad; "Dad do you know what a penis is?" "Yes son" said the dad. "Come into the bathroom with me." The dad pulls down his pants and says "Thisis iYes I could. ;-)s a penis Johnny, and a perfect penis I might add." The next morning Johnny & Tommy are walking to school. Tommy asks Johnny "Did you find out what a penis is?" Johnny replies "Yes I did. Here, let's go behind these bushes." Johnny then drops his pants, points and says "This is a penis and if it was just 2 inches shorter it'd be perfect."

[NJFemmie]

[Guy]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused , he'd be too embarrassed, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day , His wife knew something was seriously wrong. My God, Bill, what's wrong? she asked. Bill looked at her. Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?
Oh Bill, you didn't, she moaned, horrified.
Yes, I did
My God, Bill, what happened?
I got fired.
No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?
Oh, she got fired too.

[Bella~Vita]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a
piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'

[tapu]

I may already have posted this in another thread. I can't remember. I post so many things. But this fills me with laughter so I'll post it here. (No one's keeping track, right? Except DapperButch?)


If you want to know what it's like to have a third child, imagine that you're drowning and someone hands you a third child.

[CockyDude]

One afternoon mama is making a pot of chili. She reaches into the cabinet for some seasonings and a box of BBs falls out, into the pot. She panics then realizes, hell they're BBs. They should sink to the bottom. No harm. So dinnertime arrives, everyone is happy with the chili and mama figures no problems. About an hour after dinner her husband says, "Honey I just went to the bathroom & peed a BB.". She replies "Yes I know. You ate a BB. It's not gonna kill you. You'll be fine. Another 20 minutes goes by and her daughter comes crying into the kitchen. "Mommy, Mommy, I just went potty and a BB came out." It's okay honey" mom says. "You'll be fine." another 30 minutes goes by and her son comes running into the kitchen. "Mom, mom you'll never guess what happened." I know, I know" mom replies. "you went potty and peed a BB.,". "No" says the son. "I was in the barn jerkin off and I shot the dog."

[Stud_puppy1991]

Two old lesbians are doing it on a park bench. One lesbian says " Take your glasses off, you're scratching my leg." The other one says, "Put your glasses back on, you're licking the bench."

[LeftWriteFemme]

[CockyDude]

Sex is now classified as a misdemeanor; the more you miss, the meaner you get.

[CockyDude]

If a man is alone in the forest and has a thought, is he still wrong?

[Miss July]

Originally Posted by CockyDude

If a man is alone in the forest and has a thought, is he still wrong?

YESSSSS
(That was a given)