What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

[nycfem]

more than three:

not too moody/morose/angry/cryptic. i groove off other people's moods so this does not work for me

similarly, not someone who needs a long time alone when angry and holds anger. i'm too sensitive and too anxious to be with someone who is not adept at working it out pretty quickly and moving on or working it out over time but not while letting the problem color our days together

not ambivalent about commitment

doesn't cut me down while arguing

makes me laugh

has my back (that's a big one for me)

... luckily i'm describing BB, my partner, to a tee! Some of my non-negotiables I didn't know I needed until I found them in the relationship I'm in now. Just thinking out loud...

[Darbonaire]

Drugs OR alchohol.....no way I'm going to be with you.....ever !

Cheating.....once will be the last time I assure you....

Lying...to me or to yourself..... sorry, not interested !

[~ocean]

exactly what Darbonaire said .. a marriage of 17 yrs ended for exactly those 3 reasons .. i wished and still wish hym well..

[Sweet Bliss]

NO NO list

Using me or others as an emotional punching bag

Failure to follow through

not accepting responsibility to self and others

[Library_girl]

Well I, too, have more than three. I think the older I get, the more non-negotiables I have. Call it experience, or taking better care of myself, or wisdom, or caution--I think it's all of those. So here are the big ones that come to mind:

1. Respect. You must completely respect me, my family and friends, my choices, my identity, my career, pretty much everything about me. You don't have to agree with everything or like everything or everyone in my life, but RESPECT is required. And I will give you absolute respect in return. Also, respect others, yourself, animals, the world around you.

2. Self esteem. You don't need to be perfect in this area, and god knows I'm not. My self esteem is a work in progress. But please don't be insecure and distrust me. People who don't trust, who think someone is cheating or lying, are just insecure. And don't have so much self-hatred that it keeps you from having a happy and fulfilling life on your own. Which brings me to #3.......

3. Have a life of your own. You should have your own place to live, job, independence, your own hobbies, friends, interests, things you like to do by yourself or with others. This doesn't mean I don't want tons of time with you, because I do. I admit I'm a femme who wants attention. But please continue your life if we are going to have a life together. Because I still plan to go shopping with my femme friends, visit my sister, hang out with my niece, go out after work, etc., and then come home to you.

4. Take charge and stick with it. I'm a girl who leads a double life. At work, I'm the boss and I'm in control. I make decisions all day and boss people around. I have to talk all the time, and deal with the public all day long. So when I get home, I don't want to be The Boss anymore. I want a Daddy. I want to be your girl, and I want to be loved and protected. And when you make a decision or commit to doing something......do it. Don't be the "all talk and no action" type.

5. Think I'm awesome. This may seem pretty simple, right? I want someone who thinks I'm wonderful, smart, beautiful, sexy, hilarious, and so on. Flattery will get you everywhere!

6. Affection. This is a MAJOR requirement! I'm talkin' physical, romantic, emotional, passionate affection. Bring it. Lots of it.

There's more, but those are the highlights! And I'm currently accepting applications for the position of said Daddy. The interviews promise to be enchanting.

[Ginger]

I don't have any non-negotiables. I put up with pretty much any crazy ass thing. Then I don't. I just bolt when it's clear the pain of losing someone will hurt more than the pain of staying. It can be excruciating, weighing those two things, but I weigh them like the Libra I am till I'm goddamn good and ready to make a change.

[JustBeingMe]

There are at least 2 things I don't tolerate in a relationship.
Cheating and Dishonesty. Usually these 2 things go hand in hand, been there experienced this with a few folks, and can't tolerate it. These are deal breakers for me. If I think of the 3rd one I will come back and post.
I only have monogamous relationships.

[FtMGuy]

I like this thread!
will get back to it but I need to think about the top 3~

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I think everyone should have at least a few things that they have to have (in a realtionship) to keep the home fires burning and have a little slice of joy in your lives together. I have a few and I know, my S.O. does also. But our have-to's are very different. I'm interested in what works for others. Please share your thoughts of what works and/or would work for you. Thanks

ps. will share mine a little later, i'm late for an appointment) but thinking about how these can change as we become older..

[wahya]

No cheating, supportive, and love of animals.

[DJ Bear]

nonnegotiables for me:

We BOTH Communicate with each other.
No Lies by either of us.
She craves affection and I crave her.
Respect, goes both ways.
She loves surprises, getting flowers, little gifts.
She loves the holidays and enjoys decorating for them.
She wants a Butch/Daddy.
Lastly, she loves all animals especially my dog.

[Jean_TX]

What a challenge to limit my "non-negotiables" to just three things! For me, the top three are fundamental and absolute:

1. Honesty - the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth when it comes to those things that can affect our lives. I will not tolerate deception (overt lies, concealment, or weasel wording).

2. Fidelity - in thoughts, words, and deeds. True fidelity is the product of one's deep love; it is not merely a matter of following some 'rules' that have been imposed on oneself by one's partner.

3. Kindness - which, in addition to thoughtfulness and affection, implies treating one another respectfully.

[Velvetkitten]

Just Three?? As someone said in an earlier post after having to go through heartache and having those experiences there's a lot more then three but the top three would have to be:

Honesty

Must be a Daddy, a real one don't just talk the talk. I am use to being the boss and I want to come home and surrender completely and know I am being taken care of mentally and physically

Must love animals...you know that saying "If you don't like pet hair stay off my furniture" My animals are allowed on the bed, on the couch and just about wherever they are comfortable

[MysticOceansFL]

Don't Lie, Cheat or steal

[chris1life]

1. Must understand I have children and they will come first! I'm not saying if we have something planned that I Would cancel plans Because the kidos want me to take them somewhere but if I made plans to do something with them I will not cancel Because u want to go to the mall.
2. No addictions (drugs, alcohol, or gambling) I don't want to Come to pick u up and find u so drunk u can't walk.
3. Do not take me for granted. Ill treat u like a queen but don't treat me as if I'm your servant (hehe well unless I'm in the mood for some play)

[Sweet Bliss]

Accept what is.

I do.

Live the tenents of the Four Agreements.

I do.

Laugh daily.

I do.

[JAGG]

Affection

Passion


Integrity in all things

[femm_cb]

1) My partner has to be independent. I don't want someone who ALWAYS looks to me to be their only source of entertainment. I want my partner to have their own friends and time away to spend with them.

2) Honesty - I want some who can be honest no matter what. It's ok to lie to me about my birthday surprise or Christmas surprise or what have you, but if I ask you something that is important, don't lie!

3) Violent/volatile personality. The fist time you raise your hand in a fit of anger, I'm done and I WILL walk away regardless of how many years I have into the relationship. I have zero tolerance of domestic violence of any kind.

4) If you smoke, inhale and/or ingest anything stronger than "devils cabbage*, I will walk away. I do absolutely no illegal drug and will not tolerate it (but I do think pot should be legal)

[MsBluem]

I've only got a couple non-negotiables. Respect the fact my daughter is a huge priority in my life. You don't have to be involved with her but you have to understand that she means more to me than pretty much anything else in the world. The other is I'm polyamorous. You don't have to be and I'm fine with being exclusive but understand that there might come a time when I meet someone else I'd like to get to know.

[laruss]

Don't hit me.
Don't lie to me.
Don't cheat.

These are absolutely non-negotiable.

[EnderD_503]

1. First and foremost communication. Communication of barriers, I'm one of these people who is absolutely paranoid about consent stuff. Some people don't feel comfortable expressing barriers or when something suddenly triggers them...I need to know. It doesn't matter if you want to explore sleeping with someone else, if you want a hotdog instead of a hamburger, if you need space whatever. Everything's fine as long as there's communication of some kind. Doesn't even always have to be verbal or immediate.

2. Chemistry

3. Similar politics/respect/openness (all kind of linked for me)