Support for children of crappy parents

[MsTinkerbelly]

I noticed in the caregivers and stress thread that a reoccurring theme is the problem of having one or more parents that are emotionally, physically, sexually abusive. Sometimes all of them at once!

I would like to offer a place to talk/vent/get support.

I'm going to start off by saying I had a great childhood with pretty great parents who tried hard. But..............

When I was 12 my mom sent me to the grocery store with a long list ( wasn't first time, I was very responsible) and the money to buy it all. When I got back home, my mom and my sister were gone; she had left my father, took my sister, and was gone. She left me a note!

In any case, I spent the next 28 years not getting close to people, and leaving them before they could leave me. I even tried it with my Kasey, but she stayed with me, and we are rock solid.

So, how did your parents screw up, and how did it effect your life and relationships? Do you think you can ever forgive them for their faults?

[girl_dee]

((((((( Tinks )))))))))))

i am SO sorry that happened to you.

i can deal with my childhood, its taking care of my mom for the past 25 years that i am over.

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I noticed in the caregivers and stress thread that a reoccurring theme is the problem of having one or more parents that are emotionally, physically, sexually abusive. Sometimes all of them at once!

I would like to offer a place to talk/vent/get support.

I'm going to start off by saying I had a great childhood with pretty great parents who tried hard. But..............

When I was 12 my mom sent me to the grocery store with a long list ( wasn't first time, I was very responsible) and the money to buy it all. When I got back home, my mom and my sister were gone; she had left my father, took my sister, and was gone. She left me a note!

In any case, I spent the next 28 years not getting close to people, and leaving them before they could leave me. I even tried it with my Kasey, but she stayed with me, and we are rock solid.

So, how did your parents screw up, and how did it effect your life and relationships? Do you think you can ever forgive them for their faults?

[Soft*Silver]

that was really shitty of your mum! Dear Lord, i would have pushed people away too, after that!

My mom and dad did the best they could but there were alot of problems in my family. Dad was an alcoholic, mom a gambler. While both succeeded at stopping their addictions, the process of living thru it until then, damaged me and my two siblings. Enough so, that my brother committed suicide, my sister became the enabling caregiver to everyone in the family and I was the raging fierce scapegoat that everyone hated because I shoved reality in their faces. My sister and I became the best of the worst of ourselves. Our past histories defined us, but we took the weaknesses and made them into our strengths. My sister is a helluva nurse, working in peds, HIV, and addictions. I worked in mental health and social services, in addiction treatment programs, homeless and domestic violence shelters and rape units. I wish my brother could have made it. I think he would have found a way to become a warrior too.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

that was really shitty of your mum! Dear Lord, i would have pushed people away too, after that!

My mom and dad did the best they could but there were alot of problems in my family. Dad was an alcoholic, mom a gambler. While both succeeded at stopping their addictions, the process of living thru it until then, damaged me and my two siblings. Enough so, that my brother committed suicide, my sister became the enabling caregiver to everyone in the family and I was the raging fierce scapegoat that everyone hated because I shoved reality in their faces. My sister and I became the best of the worst of ourselves. Our past histories defined us, but we took the weaknesses and made them into our strengths. My sister is a helluva nurse, working in peds, HIV, and addictions. I worked in mental health and social services, in addiction treatment programs, homeless and domestic violence shelters and rape units. I wish my brother could have made it. I think he would have found a way to become a warrior too.

It's interesting that in some families alcoholics beget alcoholics, and abusers beget abusers...while in others, crappy parents beget parents ( and people) loving and fierce.

I would give my last cent to my daughter, I would have been a prostitute if that was the only way to feed her and keep a roof over our heads...my sister washed her hands of her kids at 18, and moved to Idaho without a thought to leaving them here alone. Well they have me, but it's not the same.

Btw...I got back at my mother for leaving me. She eventually came back to our house and to my father, but at age 15 their marriage was over. My mom tried threatening, bribery, etc... but I chose to move out with my father because I knew it would hurt her as she had hurt me.

We spent a lot of years working out a relationship that was healthy for both of us, and in the end I moved myself and my family into her home to care for her the last 2 years of her life.

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

It's interesting that in some families alcoholics beget alcoholics, and abusers beget abusers...while in others, crappy parents beget parents ( and people) loving and fierce.
I was a mix of the two. I was a crappy parent while I drank myself silly. I started drinking after my brother committed suicide. It wasnt until they laid my daughter in my arms after birthing her, that I realized I had nothing to give her. It took me many years for me to acquire what I needed as a parent. By that time, i had already done some damage. We spent years working on our relationship. I wasnt going to give up. She almost did. It was the birthing of her own kids that made the huge difference. She is by far the best parent out of all of us. And she sees how hard it is parent. And what I and my mother had to go thru with hardships she thankfully never had to endure. So we are now a very happy family, mentally healthy and loving toward each other. There is no real quick easy fix when it comes to trauma and addictions. Sometimes it takes generations to heal it out of a family...

I would give my last cent to my daughter, I would have been a prostitute if that was the only way to feed her and keep a roof over our heads...my sister washed her hands of her kids at 18, and moved to Idaho without a thought to leaving them here alone. Well they have me, but it's not the same. I loved my child more than I loved anything or anyone in this life, from the moment she was born. I just didnt have the skills to be a good parent. Didnt have it as a child..didnt know how to do it as an adult. With lots of research, counseling, parenting classes, and learn as you go, I learned to be a good parent. I was always a loving parent..just didnt know how to parent.

Btw...I got back at my mother for leaving me. She eventually came back to our house and to my father, but at age 15 their marriage was over. My mom tried threatening, bribery, etc... but I chose to move out with my father because I knew it would hurt her as she had hurt me. good for you!

We spent a lot of years working out a relationship that was healthy for both of us, and in the end I moved myself and my family into her home to care for her the last 2 years of her life.

my daughter and I both said we could never live together again. But just recently she has been talking about taking care of both me and my husband in our older years. She sees him as the best thing I ever did for myself and adores him. Closest thing to a parent i gave her other than her actual father...

[Gemme]

Father: emotionally unavailable, apathetic. He gave my half brother to my grandparents to raise and once left me at an orphanage.

Mother: psychologically and emotionally unstable, uprooted me to travel half way across the country to visit someone that was un-visitable and causing me be held back a grade. She had at least one mental breakdown in front of me and forced me to be the one to call the police, who forcibly took me away from her.

One of mom's many husbands: my primary abuser, manipulative, psychopath. He took advantage of mom's fragile mental state and twisted the situation so she would marry him in order to get me back out of the system and designed a 'contract' between me--at age 8ish--and him that would keep my mother out of the mental health system in exchange for....things.

Reading back on this, I'm actually surprised I don't have more issues than I do.