Dating "non single" people - Page 3

adorable · 12-27-2010, 04:44 AM

OMG OMG!!!!!

Emotional unavailabilty is my FAVORITE thing in the whole world. It MUST be!!!!! No matter what I do, in a room full of 10,000 emotionally available people and ONE, just ONE person with either another relationship going, unresolved mama issues or just a general inability to connect in a meaningful human level - I won't just want to date them - I will want to MARRY THEM!

Why? This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over...It's kind of like eating Big Mac's. Sure they're bad for you, but they are oh so tasty!!! And just one nibble isn't going to hurt! Except that it does. And in relationships with unavailable people, it hurts a lot.

One of the things that I realized about me was that, in chosing people who weren't available, I saved myself from having to truly connect or commit at a meaningful level. Instead I could stay in that "Oh, I will get them to love me!" phase for eternity. A sick part of me enjoys that game.

So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it....
(I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

JustJo · 12-27-2010, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adorable

So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it....
(I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

I don't completely agree with your entire list as I've known people who have been to prison and are relationship-worthy...a lot depends on the charge, the reason, their background and what they did there and after....

However, I'd add to it also. My biggest red flag? Those for whom everything is about them, who only ever consider their own feelings or needs, or who have an excuse (or someone else to blame) for everything that has ever gone wrong in their life.

Those scream "narcissist" to me...and I run like hell.

WheelieStrong · 01-07-2011, 03:01 AM

i'm sorry i'm in a bit of a state right now i'm guilty of not reading all your posts on this subject.

Being with my ex is not an option and is not something i would want, i just wouldn't have chosen for her to be my ex or to still live here and i definately never wanted her to be my care staff.

in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him!

He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it.

Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue.

He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone.
God i'm fighting back tears even writing this..
i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again!

Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it.
But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more.

He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone.

i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.

The_Lady_Snow · 01-07-2011, 06:39 AM

I think you got your answer Wheelie from the horses mouth.. He don't want you like he wants his boy. He made it clear, at this point you should just brush it off, bounce and find someone who is into you. Good luck and stop letting this tool treat you like shit.!!!

always2late · 01-07-2011, 07:46 AM

Wheelie, I am going to try not to be too harsh...because I know your feelings are very raw right now. But the fact is, love cannot exist in a vacuum. It cannot be the property of just ONE person in a relationship. And this man did not, and does not, love you. Otherwise he could not treat you so callously, and with so little respect.

You did the right thing. He is unhealthy for you, and it's a toxic relationship. Be strong...it will get better. And realize that you deserve more.

Quintease · 06-19-2011, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him!

He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it.

Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue.

He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone.
God i'm fighting back tears even writing this..
i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again!

Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it.
But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more.

He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone.

i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.

You wanted him to break up with his boyfriend? *shakes head*

I used to be that person, in a relationship, madly in love with my girlfriend and dating other people. To be honest, had any of them asked me to break up with my girlfriend, I would have said no, I would have given them the option to walk away, and I probably would have lost a bit of respect for them.

He's in a relationship. Regardless of your feelings, if you can't accept that then it really is best if you walk away. Anything else would be cheating. His boyfriend is clearly trusting him to not run off with someone else, or let another person come between them, and if he's a decent chap he will honour that trust.

I hope one day the two of you can be friends again.

WheelieStrong · 08-02-2013, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

You wanted him to break up with his boyfriend? *shakes head*

Hi hi hi wow so much time has passed since this part of my life.

It was never really a case of me wanting him to leave his boyfriend, certainly not so he could be with me (i mean yes picking me would have been preferred) but he was so indecisive, there was always that, i don't know who i want to be with situation with him, as with many people in this situation, even if he had left his boyfriend there was no guarantee he wouldn't have left me at the same time too.

The relationship i had with him never technically ended, we never broke it off or fell out, he just moved in with his boyfriend which made it impossible to go on as he had been.
Of course i was hurt but i think just loosing touch was maybe easier than being kicked to the curb.

He did completely disappear for a while but is in my life today and i still adore him, his life is VERY different now so physically spending time with him isn't really an option but we are not complete strangers anymore.

The only hurt i felt really is that his relationship with his boyfriend broke down and i don't remember if it was shortly after they split or shortly before, he told me he made the wrong choice and he must have picked me, that really hurt me, i hope someone here understands why.

i found love since then and lost it but i am still alive and i think i am a much stronger person than the person who started this thread.

i found someone i actually really really like so i hope there is a way to work it out

If not i just pull my socks up and hold my head high, i'm definitely nowhere near as fragile as i have been, at least not right now

01-07-2011, 06:39 AM	#44
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,119 Times in 15,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	I think you got your answer Wheelie from the horses mouth.. He don't want you like he wants his boy. He made it clear, at this point you should just brush it off, bounce and find someone who is into you. Good luck and stop letting this tool treat you like shit.!!! __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

01-07-2011, 07:46 AM	#45
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Wheelie, I am going to try not to be too harsh...because I know your feelings are very raw right now. But the fact is, love cannot exist in a vacuum. It cannot be the property of just ONE person in a relationship. And this man did not, and does not, love you. Otherwise he could not treat you so callously, and with so little respect. You did the right thing. He is unhealthy for you, and it's a toxic relationship. Be strong...it will get better. And realize that you deserve more. __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

12-27-2010, 04:44 AM	#41
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,645 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725118	OMG OMG!!!!! Emotional unavailabilty is my FAVORITE thing in the whole world. It MUST be!!!!! No matter what I do, in a room full of 10,000 emotionally available people and ONE, just ONE person with either another relationship going, unresolved mama issues or just a general inability to connect in a meaningful human level - I won't just want to date them - I will want to MARRY THEM! Why? This is a question I have asked myself over and over and over...It's kind of like eating Big Mac's. Sure they're bad for you, but they are oh so tasty!!! And just one nibble isn't going to hurt! Except that it does. And in relationships with unavailable people, it hurts a lot. One of the things that I realized about me was that, in chosing people who weren't available, I saved myself from having to truly connect or commit at a meaningful level. Instead I could stay in that "Oh, I will get them to love me!" phase for eternity. A sick part of me enjoys that game. So there are some relationships that I have learned to stop before they start. Right off the bat, because I have been down these roads before and they are some of the easier red flags to spot...if they are currently involved in a relationship - if they are still hung up on a relationship that is supposed to be over - if they have a history of cheating or abuse - if they have ever been to prison - if they are currently using any form of cocaine - if they are prescribed psychiatric medication and don't take it.... (I ask the questions and listen to the answers. I don't pretend that I am the exception anymore.) I just won't go there now. I have been there, didn't like it and have no desire to return. Life is too short.

01-07-2011, 03:01 AM	#43
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	i'm sorry i'm in a bit of a state right now i'm guilty of not reading all your posts on this subject. Being with my ex is not an option and is not something i would want, i just wouldn't have chosen for her to be my ex or to still live here and i definately never wanted her to be my care staff. in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him! He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it. Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue. He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone. God i'm fighting back tears even writing this.. i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again! Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it. But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more. He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone. i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.