Making Amends...Question/Input request

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I hear what some are saying about not responding at all and, no, you don't have an obligation to respond to the email but it feels shitty to me to not at least acknowledge it. That doesn't mean acquiescing to it but we are human creatures and it's hurtful when someone reaches out, for whatever reason, to be rejected or ignored.

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

[PatrickIver]

I am with Gemme on this one. I think just acknowledging the email and saying, thank you and good luck on your journey. It needs to be no more than that as it clear you are not ready to go there. As for the other person, she is taking the steps to better herself and part of that is trying to "tie off some loose ends" (so to speak) from the past. It is not about you making things easier or better for this person on that journey. I also agree with Gemme that just not acknowledging it, would be hinky. It appears you are a better person than that, given you have thought enough about it to come here and ask for advice. Bravo, for doing that.

Bottom line, I do not think it needs to go into being a "big thing".

[imperfect_cupcake]

< hinky and not a better person.

And I'm pretty ok with that too

[Mel C.]

I'm hi king that I would regret ignoring the apology AND I would regret acting as if it was fine and dandy to treat me like poo. I'd respond but not in a way that seems like the door is open. This would have been much harder if the apology was in person. Yay again for the power of the written word.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I'm hi king that I would regret ignoring the apology AND I would regret acting as if it was fine and dandy to treat me like poo. I'd respond but not in a way that seems like the door is open. This would have been much harder if the apology was in person. Yay again for the power of the written word.

I think it's best to act in the way one feels most respectful of self in, rather than worrying about the other person, or putting their feelings first. And if that's how you would feel best, then I think that's the best way forward.

[Orema]

I hold grudges, too, and something similar happend to me, though she wasnt in a "program"

I would respond quickly and honestly so that I could move on.

I'd say I appreciate your apology and am happy you're in a program to help you work out some things, but I'm unable to forgive you.

Wishing you success,
Sign off.

If she is sincere, she will understand and not write back.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Orema

I hold grudges, too, and something similar happend to me, though she wasnt in a "program"

I would respond quickly and honestly so that I could move on.

I'd say I appreciate your apology and am happy you're in a program to help you work out some things, but I'm unable to forgive you.

Wishing you success,
Sign off.

If she is sincere, she will understand and not write back.

Clarity is fabulous too!

[TruTexan]

IMO: I'd just not answer that email one way or another. Once someone burns that bridge with me, it's burnt and I don't respond to nothing they say.
However, you aren't me and I'm not you, so it's all up to you in how you choose to deal with this. I don't sugar coat nothing for anyone. I'm capable of forgiving but not forgetting and that is something that will stay with me forever when you burn a bridge with me.

[Ginger]

I don't think it's about the recipient of the apology; their response doesn't really matter.

I think it's about the act of making amends.



I could be wrong.

[Andrea]

Everyone is different and only you can decide what you can live with. That said, I agree with the majority of the posters: Thank you for writing/apology. Best wishes for your recovery.

That way you acknowledge their effort and you haven't offered anything you don't really feel (assuming you do wish the best for them...).

It isn't an easy decision and best sat on for a bit before making it.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I'm not sure if this makes me "hinky" or not, but once someone has done something so awful that my friendship is withdrawn, i wouldn't even open the email, let alone respond.

I hope whatever you do, you feel at peace with your choice

[pumpndude]

I didn't even know what amends was years ago...I learned all about amends later in life when I became an addict in recovery.....
I have 20 years now clean & sober.....So if I wronged someone I make an amends pretty much right away.....

As for years ago I can make amends three ways.

1. I can pray for them and apologize to my higher power...
2. write a letter to them and tell them I'm sorry for my part of whatever the situation is and then burn it....
3. do something positve, like volunteer and do something good in my community to make an amends....

That is what works for me....


I really don't dwell on the past and haven't in a really long time....
I use my energy for good....

take care

That what works for me..

[FireSignFemme]

I don’t like it when 12 Steppers I haven’t spoken to in years call me up to ask for my forgiveness in order to try and assuage their feelings of guilt and shame. In my opinion if they still feel that strongly, badly about it years later then they should share it with a sponsor, lay it at the feet of their therapist(s) and/or take it to the Lord in prayer. I don’t really care what baggage they’re lugging around or where they choose to dump it so long as whenever they do decide to unload, it isn’t on me.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Hey Gemme!

This is totally an aside, so please excuse pyjamas.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed with you. However, after a shit ton of work on my codependany stuff, I no longer feel any responsibility for other people's feelings of hurt. Meaning, I understand that something I can say can or do can influence how someone feels, but I feel no responsibility to solve or fix or make things easier/softer for facing up to people's own stuff.

It's really up to someone else to care take their own feelings, especially if I have been estranged from them or I don't know them well.

If my "no response" is what I personally wish to do, I'm well aware this may feel extremely uncomfortable and even painful to the person making an apology. But that is their work to do, and personally, I no longer see it as any of my biz. I feel a lot healthier and happier and emotionally cleaner for it.

That someone who I no longer wish to interact with will be hurt by me not answering a letter of apology? That's ok. They can be hurt. That's their work and pain to figure out. If I am not willing to interact with them, that's just how it is. Sometimes the work is like chewing down on a cup of cold sick. If I can do it, so can they. I have every confidence in their ability to deal with it.

I know that's not quite what you ment. But I think allowing people to feel hurt and not doing things to save them from hurt is not always the best thing to do. A true apology expects no forgiveness or even acknowledgement.

I guess at the root of it I sincerely feel after a no acceptance or aknowledge ment is: The work for them after that point is to forgive themselves and that's nothing I can help with nor any of my biz. And that's harder work than someone else forgiving you.

Thanks for the dialogue, cupcake!

I agree that we are responsible for our own feelings. Totally. We cannot control another's actions, only our reactions to them.

The way I approach stuff like this is not so much to babysit someone else's emotions and feelings but to put myself in their place. If an action feels like I would be hurt, then I try to avoid that. I've left some nasty emotional carbon footprints in my life, so I do my best to minimize that going forward.

I don't look at it like monitoring someone else's stuff, but making sure that my stuff is the way it's supposed to be, for me. We do agree about one thing. It's not about the other person at all, but about us. You and I just have different ways of making that happen for ourselves.