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Old 08-17-2017, 04:11 AM   #41
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i will admit that my cohabitation attempts, even in a room mate situation have never worked out and i cannot blame the other person, i am not easy to live with. Things were fine until the move in, i am sure it not working out was inevitable, but living together was always a mistake.

i love having my own place, so when i give in and give it up, i am resentful. i can admit this now.

That is NOT to say that i don't want my butch to be in my space as we date or have a relationship, its quite the opposite.

i would love to be able to see my love on the weekends or at least be within a few hours drive so we can enjoy time together.

Its VERY hard in our dating pool to find that person that is also near.
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Old 08-17-2017, 06:15 AM   #42
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I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.
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Old 08-17-2017, 10:06 AM   #43
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I definitely like having my own home, my own place. I don't ever foresee giving up my own residence. It's my quiet place where I can retreat from life and take care of me, in ways that add toward feeling good. Especially so, for me, because even though my children are young adults, I want to keep my family life separate from my romantic life. I just feel better when I've got my own place. I'm definitely the type of person who likes living alone, yet apart when dating or in an relationship (together) .
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i totally relate and do this too! i LOVE my family but i don't want them in my personal relationships. And they can get their own friends!
I'm really glad you bumped this thread, dee, because last spring is when I made my original post (April?).

And I still think that it's a good idea to keep ones romantic life private and separate from family life and even in our circle of fronds or in general. And I also think it's feasible to maintain one's independence in relationship to others.

But....homoe's post showed me a few things about myself that I couldn't see last spring. I too am very particular and probably do well on my own, but I don't think that living on my own, separate from the one I want to share life with, is a going to be a situation that will work for me. So, my thinking was a bit flawed, last spring. I am glad that homoe stated her ideas like she did or I would have never seen the flaw in my thinking.

I don't think living apart/together will be what I want at all. I definitely want to create a life together with the one I want to spend my life and time with.....
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Old 08-17-2017, 10:21 AM   #44
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I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them
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Old 08-17-2017, 10:46 AM   #45
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I had friends back in Milwaukee and they had an extremely creative way of living together apart I must admit!

One owned a HUGE Victorian Style home. When they refurbished it, they used many of the nooks and crannies of the home to incorporate a separate living space, complete with kitchen and bathroom, for the other.


They have been together well over 25 years so it works for them
I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.
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Old 08-17-2017, 12:36 PM   #46
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What an interesting topic! I'd never heard of LAT. I think I dig the idea! Off to read some more...
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Old 08-17-2017, 03:06 PM   #47
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I was just thinking about this discussion at work yesterday. I manage a women's housing program and my largest unit rents furnished rooms to women in a dorm style living situation at a very low cost. I have three women who are married or partnered but live in the building for "their" space and then they visit their partners on the weekends or when they want to. I think it's brilliant. They all came from living together and knew it wasn't working. They couldn't afford their own full apartment or house, so this came to be a logical and safe solution for them to have a happier life and healthier relationship.

this IS brilliant!
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Old 08-17-2017, 03:09 PM   #48
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I had dear friends, an lesbian couple, who created a living arrangement similar to that of living in a very large turn-of-the-century Victorian home, put on the coast. They each had their own bedrooms on different floors, their own bathroom spaces, and of course, various rooms of their own through out the house (the TV room, the craft and sewing room, a shared reading room) and on the main floor of the house was the kitchen and a huge livingroom, shared by both of them.

I miss them...they've both passed on, several years ago, and withing months of each other. They were inseparable, yet separate and individual as an couple who were together for over 45 years.
this reminds me of a poly household and i absolutely love the idea.
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Old 08-17-2017, 03:11 PM   #49
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where i lived once, there was a middle aged couple that lived down the lane that lived down the street. They would walk daily walks together, hand in hand every evening. Then she would go to her house, and him to his. They lived about a block apart.

i will admit that although i like my dee time, i would want my love cuddling me at night if they were that close!
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Old 09-01-2017, 02:51 PM   #50
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I don't need to live separate or probably even have my own room. What I do need is "alone time." I've lived alone far longer than with a partner. Sometimes I want to just know I'm alone in my home for a period of time. I'm too practical to justify spending money for a separate alone space off premises.

On those rare occasions when I'd call in sick for a mental health day it made me crazy that my retired spouse was home. I stopped doing it fairly soon after she retired. The effect was totally different with someone home with me.
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:16 PM   #51
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I think it is important to have ALONE TIME away from your spouse.. weather it's a day spent fishing or doing crafts or just relaxing at home there needs and should be time alone to reflect on yourself and just have you time..
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:58 PM   #52
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My partner and I live in the same apartment, but have separate bedrooms. I think this helps us tremendously as a couple. We both have our own space that is just ours. It's easy to have alone time. We also sleep apart. I need my own bed, for a lot of reasons, and it just works.

My room is my sanctuary and we end up spending more together time in her room because she's more generous with her space and less of an introvert than I.

So we're a version of living apart together, but we do it under the same roof. I've always liked the idea though of having separate houses and apartments or homes close together.
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Old 09-01-2017, 05:26 PM   #53
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Sign me up, I need my space.
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Old 09-01-2017, 05:30 PM   #54
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Sign me up, I need my space.


Chad, do you have enough acres there to build the little woman her very own La Casa if necessary?
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Old 09-01-2017, 05:32 PM   #55
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Chad, do you have enough acres there to build the little woman her very own La Casa if necessary?
Yes, absolutely.
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Old 08-12-2018, 02:28 AM   #56
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I would love to go traveling together, going to films together, hanging out and binge watching sci-fi, grocery shop for a fancy night of cooking together, read on the couch together.

but at SOME POINT they go HOME.
Why?

because I like my shit on the floor, my dishes not done, none of their furniture there, and not doing their goddamned laundry.

stay for 2 nights of we get on well enough. Then go home for a couple nights.

This does not prevent me from going out with folks, cuddling with people, going on vacations with people, cooking with people, grocery shopping with people, window shopping with people, buying flowers for the kitchen with people, going to Ikea with people, having baths with people...

It does mean "my house, my rules" though which is what this is all about. And they get their rules at their house.

I went out with friends after work at 10pm tonight, to a 24 hour veg restaurant on the other side of town. I *didn't* call home to tell anyone that I was doing this. I didn't have to have a "discussion" - like the rest of my colleagues do when they call their partners to say they are going for a beer with me after work and won't be coming straight home. I didn't have to make that "er... um... I dunno if I can..." face when my friends asked me.

because I have my own place and live on my own. I get to make decisions about "being allowed" to do things I want to do after work without someone being welded to my hip.

I can love someone, want to spend time with them, want to spend the entire rest of my life with them even - and yet not want to have them watching me brush my teeth, know when I eat potato chips for dinner, chase the cat around with a squirt gun, call my friend in Brazil when I've had two beers and we laugh till she shows me her sunrise on Skype, spend all monday with mum at the hospital then decide I'm going to have dinner with dad and my step mum.

And I don't have to negotiate any of that. And I can *still* love someone and want to cuddle them on the couch, make cookies with them, and go on beach holidays with them, and go to the museum with them.

amazing. how could that possibly be true?
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Old 09-12-2018, 02:07 PM   #57
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Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.
I'm totally ready for a new LTR, and though I've had a few really nice ones over the years, I've never felt compelled to live with anyone since the early 90's.
I'm so busy with projects, work, friends and community stuff, I think having someone live with me at my house would make me feel neglectful, like I'd have to give up something I enjoy so I could spend time just hanging out with her, then wind up feeling conflicted.
To me, being in a monogamous LTR while living in different homes would be like dating, and that would be exciting. When we'd choose to be together, it would be fun to give each other our undivided attention, and when we'd ask what's new, we'd actually have new stuff to talk about.
At her place, I would never throw my shoes in 'the wrong place' or shave my legs in the living room so I could watch TV. At my place, she would be less likely to go into my studio and use my delicate pens that are only for certain media, then leave the caps off once she finished writing a to do list on some scratchy, pen demolishing paper (Horrors!).
It's not selfish to want alone time, IMHO. In a LTR, I'm sure I'd want to be with her often, especially overnight, but there is something to be said for, "letting the winds of heaven dance between us" at regular intervals.
Great topic!
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Old 09-12-2018, 02:23 PM   #58
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I would love to go traveling together, going to films together, hanging out and binge watching sci-fi, grocery shop for a fancy night of cooking together, read on the couch together.

but at SOME POINT they go HOME.
Why?

because I like my shit on the floor, my dishes not done, none of their furniture there, and not doing their goddamned laundry.

stay for 2 nights of we get on well enough. Then go home for a couple nights.

This does not prevent me from going out with folks, cuddling with people, going on vacations with people, cooking with people, grocery shopping with people, window shopping with people, buying flowers for the kitchen with people, going to Ikea with people, having baths with people...

It does mean "my house, my rules" though which is what this is all about. And they get their rules at their house.

I went out with friends after work at 10pm tonight, to a 24 hour veg restaurant on the other side of town. I *didn't* call home to tell anyone that I was doing this. I didn't have to have a "discussion" - like the rest of my colleagues do when they call their partners to say they are going for a beer with me after work and won't be coming straight home. I didn't have to make that "er... um... I dunno if I can..." face when my friends asked me.

because I have my own place and live on my own. I get to make decisions about "being allowed" to do things I want to do after work without someone being welded to my hip.

I can love someone, want to spend time with them, want to spend the entire rest of my life with them even - and yet not want to have them watching me brush my teeth, know when I eat potato chips for dinner, chase the cat around with a squirt gun, call my friend in Brazil when I've had two beers and we laugh till she shows me her sunrise on Skype, spend all monday with mum at the hospital then decide I'm going to have dinner with dad and my step mum.

And I don't have to negotiate any of that. And I can *still* love someone and want to cuddle them on the couch, make cookies with them, and go on beach holidays with them, and go to the museum with them.

amazing. how could that possibly be true?
Trust me, I've been looking for flies in the ointment but so far the concept sounds ideal for the way I like to live.
I am self employed and I often have trump-induced insomnia, so I've taken to working all night and crashing at sunrise, then sleeping till afternoon.
If I need to buy something at 3 a.m, I hop in the car and go get it.
If there is love combined with trust in a LTR and it leads to mutually agreed upon monogamy, there's no need to keep tabs on or check in with each other 24/7--you let each other be their best, most creative selves and let them know you adore them and want them madly, whether in person or apart.
I don't need another half to complete me--as some would agree, I'm already (an) a-whole.
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Old Today, 12:09 AM   #59
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Default I cannot remember

if I read about LAT on here or in the AARP journal (yes, I am a card carrying member. I am simply more experienced - not old), however, this makes so much sense to me. I like quiet time. I like coming home to only my cats. If I want to stay up all night binge watching The Handmaids Tale and Madam Secretary back to back and then wail through Steel Magnolias, so be it. Although I keep a fairly orderly home - if I want to clutter it up, I will and answer to no one. I am not jaded on living together but I do think it can impact one's creativity and ability to maintain their individualism. I like the idea of looking forward to seeing her. I think I would be more vigilant to not ever take her for granted. Plus, I like to travel.
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Every morning a new arrival."
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Old Today, 02:57 AM   #60
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I'm not sure. My last live together relationship ended in the middle of 2005. I never planned to live alone this long, it just sort of worked out that way. Now I wonder if I could ever live with someone again. I mean it's been over a decade. I know I'd like to but wonder if I've become too set in my ways.
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