advice plz - my father's alcoholism

[sylvie]

thank you Kimbo & softness...
Kimbo, so sorry for your loss.. & thank you for the link!

i managed to speak with someone and have my first meet next week.
i'm nervous, but enthusiastic as well.. we had a nice conversation over the phone, and by the end of the conversation i knew i was doing the right thing because just that little conversation felt like it lifted a load off my shoulders.

my father has been doing well this week.. he's been out walking a few times, and he's being a little more conscious about eating etc... he's also been alcohol free since that time i mentioned.. his 60th birthday is on Monday, so we're all making sure we get him gift certificates to stores he likes, of buy actual gifts rather than $. he's been feeling really well this week though.

:-)
thank you all again, so very much for your advice ♥

Sylvie~ I applaud your courage. Reaching out or asking for help is the first step to healing. It is also the most difficult. The advice you have recieved here is incredible. Adding my own seems redundant. But, I too have walked a very similar path. I attended Al Anon for a long time and CONTINUE to attend CoDa (Codependents Anonymous) Meetings. They are powerful and help me build strong healthy relationships with those in my life. I encourage you to continue to put one foot in front of the other. This path maybe a difficult one to walk but as you can see you will not walk alone and many have gone before forging their own journeys.

You are stronger then you think...You will find the healing you hope for if you continue to seek it. Again, I congratulate your courage. Do not underestimate the power of reaching out to others.

May you find healing and support on your journey.
I will pray for you and your family.

~Angel~

[FeminineAllure]

To sylvie and others who have loved ones that are alcoholics thank you for bringing up the topic and for the resources.
I also have a father who is an alcoholic and grew up with the dysfunction that comes from it. I am going to check out a meeting for support as well.

[sylvie]

thank you so much again, everyone.. ♥
i went to my very first meeting, i really didn't breathe a word, except to introduce myself, but they didnt expect any talking, and it was a very comforting feeling to be there.. at first, i just stood at the back, near the door but found myself moving forward into the room a little more until i eventually took a seat... i shed a lot of tears, things they were saying, i felt for them so much... but, also could really relate, to so much of it..

i'm glad i went, i really am.. i want to again, i cant for the next one, due to my work hours, however, i am asking my manager to book me a couple of hours off so i can make the next one, or to rearrange my shifts a bit.. she'll be completely understanding, she always is..

i really, really appreciate the encouragement..
on a great note, also, my father has been alcohol free, since our trip to the hospital.

☺

[sylvie]

so, i guess i never truly understood until this week, that i can't 'save' him.
i think i've always had a glimmer of hope, still, until now.. and always feel responsible for ensuring he's okay, etc. i finally realize that this needs to change, it's taken a lot of downfalls to get to this point, though...

my father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance this week, and was admitted in ICU. he is still binge drinking, he's hiding it from us best he can, and then each time he runs out of money he suffers withdrawals. this time, was really bad, he was having seizures, he has memory loss, he has damaged brain cells, spinal cord, no sense of balance, slurred speech, you name it. this list goes on and on..

they said he was being discharged yesterday, which surprised us tremendously.. he'll have to do more tests over the course of the next couple of weeks, but as an outpatient, they need the bed. he's just not well, he's not himself.. i was really upset and demanded a social worker come up and talk with him, that we as a family intervene and get him into rehab.. that i would not sit by and watch my father kill himself..

they cant force him.. i lost it at the hospital, until i talked to the social worker, i dont think i truly understood my need for help with this.. until now.

i attended one meeting, with al anon before, but sadly never kept up with it.. it was more of a meet and greet, i got to see how it worked and watched some talk, it was comforting, encouraging, extremely emotional, but yet, i never went back..

only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help.
until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ...

so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back.

[Soon]

Good luck to you, sylvie, and please keep pursuing avenues that will help you cope with your father's addiction.

[jenny]

Originally Posted by sylvie

only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help.
until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ...

so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back.

Good for you... I'm so glad to read that you're taking the steps necessary to make sure that YOU are okay. You're right that you can't save your dad -- the best you can do is make sure he knows you're ready to help when he's ready to get help.

Sending you a big hug and all sorts of good thoughts...

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by jenny

Good for you... I'm so glad to read that you're taking the steps necessary to make sure that YOU are okay. You're right that you can't save your dad -- the best you can do is make sure he knows you're ready to help when he's ready to get help.

Sending you a big hug and all sorts of good thoughts...

thanks so much jenny!
i know ive exhausted everything now to try and help, im definitely ready to find some peace with this, it consumes me way too much, especially now.
and when he wants help, i'm definitely there 100%. i've already called and found out everything we need to know, for him.. so hopefully one day he'll reach out..

and hugs right back, thank you for the good thoughts..

and also a BIG thank you to everyone who's also sent me messages to inbox and reps .. i seriously cant thank you all enough.. your advice and thoughts are much appreciated!! makes me thankful i turned here, in the first place, xox!

[Shi]

Hi Sylvie,

Just wondering if you have started going to any meetings yet. My father was an alcoholic too . I started going to meetings a few years before he passed away. It helped me in more ways then you can imagine. I was much like you always running to him whenever he needed me . I learned that I had to stop being an enabler ,I could be there for him but i couldn't save him as much as I wanted too. My father was a great man he was smart, funny,kind and a very loving man and when he was drinking he was always the life of the party. With that being said I also seen a very ugly side to him after the party was over . I think that was the hardest part was seeing someone so loving turn into someone I or my mother didnt even know, A very angry man with so much hurt and anger inside that alcohol could only bring out and believe me it did. Anyways I just stumbled on your post and thought I would lend an ear and to let you know I understand what you are going through. If you feel like talking feel free to send me a message I'll be more then happy to listen.

[girl_dee]

When I saw the title to this thread I stayed away from it because I knew it would hit a deep nerve in me.

(( Sylvie )) i hope you get the help YOU need.. My father is much like yours, and I decided to step away from him. It was not easy. When I was young he was drunk, abusive and disgusting. He ruined my childhood. He almost ruined my adulthood. Our family is a mess because we all deal with the remnants of growing up in that house. I can still smell and see him coming at me in the middle of the night... it makes me physically ill. As an adult, every time he got in trouble he called me and I helped him. His heart is bad after all the years of it. I was the only one there, thru his major heart surgeries.. he had burnt every bridge. He never bothered to even find out if I was dead or alive after Katrina..He has not once reached out to me, it's always me feeling lucky to be in his life.. NOT anymore!!! His last stint was falling and getting a head injury while being drunk, I immediately bought a plane ticket to go see him.. then I backed out and didn't go. This was the very first time I didn't go. He did this, and I refuse to keep running to his side. I hear he now has residual effects of that episode, and I rather not see it first hand. Maybe his Karma is taking care of him, and I don't feel one bit sorry for him.

Alcohol abuse has ruined relationships for me, family wise and personally and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I have my own crosses to bear, but what I do does not affect others. Alcohol abuse does. It's a hard thing to witness.

I did what I had to do for ME, I hope you do the same.

[sylvie]

thank you, so very much..
this community really has a lot of caring people, i'm finding and it's heartwarming.. i really appreciate everyone taking the time to leave notes and advice here as well as messages..

(((huggggs)))

i 'am' working on letting go more.. i have some, and am proud of myself how far i've come with this.. i admit, inside i still feel some guilt - after all he is my father, but i admit that as the days go on, it's feeling a little.. i cant say easier because it's not easier, but maybe more.. i don't know the word i'm looking for, i cant find it..

i have not attended any more meetings, that's something else i will work on doing though.. because i know that is probably what will help me deal with the guilt and letting go emotionally too.. he has an appointment coming up with his neurologist, and he's requested i go as well (the neurologist) .. as it was me he met with when my father was in the hospital.. i guess we'll soon understand the extent of any damage, etc.. and the results of some tests he's had..

this may sound sad to say but, i don't know if my father has had any drinks since then, or lately.. i don't ask anymore, i don't let it consume me anymore.. there are plenty of times i think about it and wonder if he is, but i don't put myself out there anymore.. maybe the less i know, the better..but, i also have been feeling very intolerant.. (for me, this is a good thing)

anyway, thank you so very much .. it means a lot to get the emotional support here that i do.. i knew if i opened up some, it would be a good thing.. everyone here is so helpful, and understanding.. ♥

[Jet]

My adoptive dad's an alcoholic. he hit bottom in the 80s and I took him into detox and the hospital. he was gone for about 30 days and then a rehab center.

He hasn't had a drink since then. good luck, I know what it's like.

I'd suggest reading the books on Adult Children of Alcoholics.

[Billy]

[quote=adorable;76288]
One thing that I heard though, and this is truth so read it over and over again, "You don't have the right to take a person's bottom away from them."



This is so true ......Everyones bottom is different and some are worse then others , but it's still theirs .....Both of My parents are alcoholics ..Neither drink at this time ..But it was very painful to watch and be around growing up ....

[sylvie]

you know the thought to find books hasnt even crossed my mind lately.. someone suggested to me a bit ago, but with the chaos of him going in the hospital etc, it slipped my mind..

i love reading, it's something i make time for often, even on work breaks.. thank you for reminding me, i will do exactly that!