Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[lettertodaddy]

I posted this in the femme zone instead of the trans zone because it was written by a femme whose "perfect masculine woman" began transitioning to male four months after they married. I posted it because I've not read many transitioning stories written from a femme's perspective.

http://www.xtra.ca/public/Vancouver/...asy-10868.aspx

[The_Lady_Snow]

The fact she uses the term "tranny people" is gross to me..:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I guess I'm confused as to why people get married without discussing things that both parties would want in the future, who the hell springs up hey I'm gonna transition 4 months into a marriage shouldn't this have been one of those dating discussions?

[CockyDude]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

I posted this in the femme zone instead of the trans zone because it was written by a femme whose "perfect masculine woman" began transitioning to male four months after they married. I posted it because I've not read many transitioning stories written from a femme's perspective.

http://www.xtra.ca/public/Vancouver/...asy-10868.aspx

I obviously can't comment from a femmes point of view. But I will say I've been with numerous women thruout my varying stages of transition & none of them ever expressed this woman's point of view. Maybe it's the vocabulary; I just find so much wrong in her story. The upside is that they're falling in love all over again. I hope they continue on a path of happiness.

[lettertodaddy]

Yes, some of her language is a problem, but the heartfelt sentiment she expressed shouldn't be discounted because of that, I don't think.

[CockyDude]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I guess I'm confused as to why people get married without discussing things that both parties would want in the future, who the hell springs up hey I'm gonna transition 4 months into a marriage shouldn't this have been one of those dating discussions?

My guess would be it did come up. SHE thought it would go away after marriage. HE thought she'd fully support him as his wife. My opinion only.

[CockyDude]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

Yes, some of her language is a problem, but the heartfelt sentiment she expressed shouldn't be discounted because of that, I don't think.

I by no means discount it. She's obviously hurt & confused. It's a difficult situation, for both of them. Lots of honest communication is necessary in ANY relationship, but moreso in this sort of relationship that already brings a lot if unknown variables to the table.

[Stacy]

Much of what she wrote holds true for me as well, especially about being thrown back into the closet.

When Michael & I first got together, I had only been out as a lesbian about two years and I was loving every rainbow sticker covered minute of it. He wanted to be stealth at the time, and so to the outside world we were like any other hetero couple. All the rainbow stickers came off my car, my rainbow jewelry got stuffed into a box in my drawer, and it made me sad. However, I was so crazy in love with him, that it seemed like a small price to pay.

Michael has since decided to be more out about being trans. He's begun doing panels and public speaking. His coming out has allowed me to come out of the closet with my sparkly queer flag flying. I am loving it! Invisibility sucks, and I love being able to proudly tell people that I am queer and I am married to a transsexual man.

As far as some of the writer's issues with the body changes, I dealt with some of those as well. I won't even try to pretend that I was 100% cool with Michael's top surgery. I had serious inner turmoil about it. Not only was I sad that the body I loved would be changing, but I was also worried about the surgery itself, and the final outcome. I was also sad every time I got pleasure from Michael's body the way it was because it caused him so much pain. It was a whole ball of conflicting emotions, but the bottom line was that he needed it, period, and therefore I tried to be as supportive as I could and share his joy & excitement about the surgery. All the conflicts I had about the surgery disappeared when he woke up after the surgery and was fine. From that moment on, it did not matter what was before. He was happy, alive, and that is really all that mattered to me in the end. I now love snuggling up to his masculine, furry chest. I realized in the end that my fears stemmed more from the unknown the from the actual change itself.

I have never felt judged for my feelings surrounding Michael's transition. He has always talked with me openly and honestly about them. He's always tried to understand and see things from my perspective. Choosing to stay with someone who is transitioning is hard. I feel there should never be any negative judgement of someone who chooses not to stay. It doesn't make them a bad person. A woman who loves women, no matter how masculine the women she dates are, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to want to be with a transsexual man, and in my opinion, that is 100% okay. If a woman does decide to stay then she's bound to have a whole roller coaster of emotions to deal with.

I love Michael for the person he is. He is brave, gentle, funny, loving, and all I ever wanted in a partner. Loving him has always been easy, even if finding exactly where I fit into the GLBTQQIA community wasn't.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

Yes, some of her language is a problem, but the heartfelt sentiment she expressed shouldn't be discounted because of that, I don't think.

Her transphobic language discounts her, hence why I feel it's oogie..

[CockyDude]

Let me say this; I judge no one. The heart wants what the heart wants & we all live our lives accordingly. I can only speak as an FTM, the feeling of trapped in the wrong body from birth, yada yada yada & all the baggage that comes with that. I also differ in the fact that until 12 months ago, I only dealt with straight women. I've lived my life as a straight man from the age of 19. And that includes my 2 marriages, the 2nd of which will be finalized by divorce this month. Other than this site, there are less than a handful of people outside of my family that know my situation. I've learned a lot from this site that I had no idea about because I never interacted in the LGBT community. So please forgive me if I say something offensive; I'm still a political work in progress.

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

The fact she uses the term "tranny people" is gross to me..:

Agreed. I *HATE* the word tranny

[SelfMadeMan]

So, after reading and re-reading the article, I don't find it to be necessarily transphobic - I do have issues with the use of the word 'tranny', but still don't feel it was used in a spirit of transphobia as much as out of ignorance about the trans community. A lot of the things she talks about - the things that are hard to hear - are things she feared due to stereotypes, myths, etc... that she appears to be learning aren't the case. I thought the article was very heartfelt and honest and really does speak to a lot of the issues that SOs deal with when coming from a lesbian background. I can only imagine that it would be incredibly hard to transition from being a visible lesbian to being seen as any other straight woman because the person you love decides to transition genders. I don't know what that feels like personally - but I saw firsthand what it put my own wife through, and it was hard for her.

It's a difficult issue to talk about... it's easy, as a trans person, to feel defensive when these issues are brought up. But the fact is, you don't transition alone in a relationship, your partner has to transition too, so it's vitally important to be able to talk about these issues and let all voices be heard. Even when it hurts to hear it.

All that being said, I want to add that I feel he was completely in the wrong for not communicating the fact that he was considering transition prior to the marriage... and there's no way he didn't know a mere 4 mos earlier that he was considering transition. She should have had all this information and been allowed to decide for herself whether to marry a transman or not.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Stacy

Choosing to stay with someone who is transitioning is hard. I feel there should never be any negative judgement of someone who chooses not to stay. It doesn't make them a bad person. A woman who loves women, no matter how masculine the women she dates are, doesn't necessarily mean she's going to want to be with a transsexual man, and in my opinion, that is 100% okay.

Thank you for that, Stacy!

I had a 7 year relationship with a Butch who then transitioned 5 ½ years into the relationship – I had the inner turmoil as I’ve always been gay and wondered if I as being ‘too judgmental’. I fell in love with the person and yes! I enjoyed hys body equally.

After surgery, hy started to change emotionally (a natural aspect I guess of the transition), and I was a little unsure of hys increased masculinity. I tried to be supportive, yet I didn’t feel comfortable – I felt bad for my feelings and tried to hide them as best I could. What was worse, was that I felt as though I was being prejudice towards hym for not being what I wanted. I did speak to a counsellor about it because I felt I had to do all that I could to make the relationship work.

For me, the understanding that I was not just attracted to Butch women, but, women who still had a certain femininity about them – I’m not just talking about their breasts, I mean in their presence of who they are.

I’m as gay as Christmas and proud of it! I have had a relationship with a man and I was almost a complete shambles in the relationship. My curiosity to ‘know’ what it was like to date a man got the better of me, lol!

I have since had a date with another Trans-man and still I didn’t feel completely comfortable. I have been judged harshly for my feelings on this, yet, I can’t help how I feel. I’m entitled to feel the way I do without criticism or judgment, but, sadly, that isn’t always going to be the case.

I would never criticise or judge another for their lifestyle or whom they are in love with, as I’m not living their life – what works for some doesn’t for others. All I hope for is that everyone finds their happiness regardless with who it is!

My apologies if this doesn’t make much sense, I was trying to type whilst crying my eyes out – Stacy’s understanding felt like a release – thank you! I wish you an Michael every health and happiness in life!

[The_Lady_Snow]

When one is in the get to know one another stage doesn't the whole hey I want to transition? Convo had? For "me" it would cause the sex is pretty important plus life changing decisions one should know ahead of time.

*still marinating thoughts*

[SelfMadeMan]

I agree with Stacy 100% re: choosing not to stay with someone after transition - it doesn't make you a bad person, at all. I've seen this happen before, where the partner that chooses to leave, is somehow villainized for their decision. I should add, that I have seen transphobic behavior from someone leaving a relationship with a transperson, but that isn't usually the case, and simply choosing to leave isn't wrong.

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

When one is in the get to know one another stage doesn't the whole hey I want to transition? For "me" it would cause the sex is pretty important plus life changing decisions one should know ahead of time.

*still marinating thoughts*

Absolutely... if a person has ever had even a passing thought that they are trans, and have considered transition, then that needs to be communicated to anyone entering into a serious relationship with them. IMHO.

[Mr.Nobody]

The implication that this woman should support this decision fully using only the fact that they are married as the reason, IMHO, is pretty anitquated. It only serves to prove her point that..."We should a) keep it quiet and support the transgender person or b) leave the relationship or c) both."

IMHO, the shoulders that bare this burden, belong soley to her partner in this case.

IMHO, the one who should be being supportive in this situation, is him. Something perhaps along the lines of...."I'm sorry I lied to you all this time baby. I know this is f#@king you up. I should have told you, but I know how you feel about this and I didn't want to lose you. So I lied. I thought if we we married, it would be harder for you to leave me. I love you and I was afraid. I want us to be together forever."

Because seriously, how "supportive" do you think he might be if four months into the marriage, she sprang upon him the information that at birth, she had been a he?

He lied to her. Bad decision. He married her, fully knowing what was about to come. She however, was not privey to that knowledge and had she been probably would have made a way different decision. It was wicked unfair.

Her use of the words rha rha tranny people pretty much say it all. I don't give these two a very good chance. The foundation of their lives together was built on a lie. How can the home stand strong?

[Stacy]

Originally Posted by SelfMadeMan

Absolutely... if a person has ever had even a passing thought that they are trans, and have considered transition, then that needs to be communicated to anyone entering into a serious relationship with them. IMHO.

100% agree.

[Ebon]

It's very disconcerting to know that so many lesbians get judged because they don't want to remain with their partner when they transition. Honestly how hard is it to understand that everyone has the right to be attracted to who they want to be attracted to? Thank you guys for sharing and I'm glad the lady in the article was able to work through everything and remain with her spouse. I need to have a little chat with her about using the word Tranny. I have friends that use and it makes my skin crawl every time. I wasn't sure if I could respond in the femme space so I was reluctant.

[Words]

Refreshingly honest, and I wish them nothing but the best.

Words