Please take legal steps to protect those you love.

[iamkeri1]

I copied a thread I started a couple of years ago on another site and brought it here because it is so very important to our lives. It has been six years since this happened in my life. I am not looking for any sympathy, I just wrote this to inform you and to advise you to takes steps NOW, to protect your loved ones and the lives you have planned together. We are still a long way from having marriage rights in all states, and some of us do not want to be married any way. Protections already exist in law that will help guarantee that our desires are followed, but we must take the necessary steps to get these in place. Its a new year. take new steps. provide new peace to your family.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the middle of the night last night, I watched this public television show about gay widowed people, both male and female. They had all gone through unbelieveable pain during their partner's Illness, death, funeral, and then, post funeral, they had all suffered huge losses in their lives. This was, of course in addition to the loss of their beloved partner.

The pain was caused by the fact that they had not taken advantage of the protections the law DOES allow gay couples, or they had done things the wrong way. They trusted each other's family's and they got screwed (and not in a nice way) for it.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of documents such as wills, living wills, enduring power of attorney, etc. Many couples do not even own their homes or their bank accounts jointly. I am providing a link to a website that will help you figure out what you need to do. http://www.buddybuddy.com/protect.html

I am going to post some more, but in case the post gets too long for you to read, I'm posting the link now.

I want to tell you two stories from my own life. The first is my own story, the second is that of a dear friend.

STORY ONE
As I have said in many other threads, I was married for twenty-five years to my beloved FTM husband. His documentation was all in place, lots of surgery completed. We were legally married. But I must tell you , my darlings, that legal is in the eye of the beholder. (Even now, gays who legally marry in states or countries where it is legal do not carry that protection with them into states or countries where it is not legal)

Back to my story. My husband died suddenly over four years ago. At the hospital they decided not to do an autopsy because they called his doctor and she agreed to sign the death certificate. Three awful things happened in the next 24 hours. Things worked out for me and my family, but in each instance, it was the decision of one kind person that made the outcome good rather than devastating,

#1. One hubby was confirmed dead, I had a private conversation with the nurse who had told me there would be no autopsy, This meant there be no certain cause of death. She asked if I wanted to pay for one myself. I very much wanted the autopsy for my own peace of mind, but before agreeing, I explained about my husbands gender and asked this question. "If they find an anomaly in his sexual organs, will that be listed on the death certificate?" Answer: "Yes it will." To protect his "identity" I passed on the autopsy, though I still wish to this day I knew the exact cause of death. He was only 52 years old, people. He didn't die of old age.

#2 A few minutes later the same nurse takes me aside and tells me that the doctor is having a moral crisis over whether she can put her signature on a death certificate which lists my husband's sex as male. She has been treating him, calling him Mr ____ for a year and now she is going to list his sex as FEMALE. I see my whole life spinning out of control. My kids will find out, at this time of loss, the secret their dad had chosen not to tell them. I will not be able to collect his social security, and maybe not the insurance he had insisted on buying to protect me. The kids may not be able to either, because if he is declared female, their adoptions will no longer be legal. I could LOSE MY KIDS!

I start crying - out of anger this time. The nurse does the right thing again. She gets on the phone with the doctor and convinces her to list the sex as male.

#3 The next day my 15 year old (at that time) son and I are at the funeral home making arrangements. The director comes in and says he needs to speak to me. He advises me that during the embalming process he had discovered an anomaly between my husband's designated sex and his actual bodily parts. He was going to have to file a corrected death certificate changing my husband's sex to female. The world starts spinning again. I actually don't know how i made it through those events without fainting or throwing up.

I say that all his papers were changed legally,. that we were married legally, blah blah blah. I bring up the Michael Kantaras case, saying the judge had decided that people could surgically change their sex and have it recognized in Florida. I say my husband had his birth certificate changed, That is what works. The director says that their current legal advice is to put on the death certificate whatever sex appears on the birth certificate. I go home, get the birth certificate, crisis averted. Barely.

Here are two links telling about Michael Kantaras historic cases.
http://www.courttv.com/trials/kantaras/
http://edition.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/1...ody/index.html

My husband died in late 2003, one year after the Michael Kantaras decision. In 2004, the Florida Supreme court overturned the lower court judges decision, saying surgery could not change a persons sex, that Micael Kantaras was still a woman, and therefore his marriage had never been legal. If my husband had died one year earlier, or one year later, the outcome would likely not have gone in my favor. Thank you Michael Kantaras!

Story Two
My beloved friend, Spectacufemme, also a BF member, was in a relationship with a fantastic stone Butch for eight years. Butch owned a home when they got together, but never got around to putting Spec's name on the title. They were young, and what could happen after all?

Spec goes up north to visit. At the airport on her way back, she is met by a friend who tells her that Butch had been murdered the night before. Butch owned her own cab company and had been murdered by a fare she picked up. Spec rushes home, where she is met by Butches family who won't let her in her own home. They have gotten a police order to keep her off the property and to bar her from the funeral. She is never allowed to see her beloved's body; never allowed to touch her, hold her, or say goodbye. This happened only ten years ago, not in the dark ages.

She has to get an attorney to even get back in to her own home and get her clothes and personal effects. She and Butch were working the business together, Butch was the driver, Spec was the bookeeper. Again Butch owned the business before they got together, and never put Specs name on it. At the dealership, a second car was being outfitted for Spec to drive. She never got to have this car either, because it was inthe name of the business.

Butch's family sold the business and both cars. Spec got nothing. They sold the house and all the furniture/stuff that they had bought together. Spec got nothing. Butch had purchased an insurance policy naming Spec as beneficiary. Spec DID get this money. However, a year later, when the family got wind of the insurance, they sent the police to Spec's new home and got them to start an investigation. They alleged that Spec had hired the fare to kill Butch. The family wanted to get their hands on the insurance money too. This time Spec prevailed and the investigation was stopped. Ten years later, my dear friend has not completely healed. The love of her life died, and she was cast away like garbage by the family. I would not want this to happen to any of you.

People, please protect the one you love. If your relationship is permanent, protect it. Get the documents you need. Those of you who have kids need to get airtight documents drafted to assure who will get custody of the kids. And I'm adding this regarding the kids. If your relationship is not legal where you live, you should have a plan in place to flee quickly, or to at least move the kids quickly to a place where your relationship is legal, Or you could LOSE YOUR KIDS. It almost happened to me, and I was legally married.

Protect your femme, protect your butch, protect your FTM.
Please!
Keri

[suebee]

My Dear Keri,

I've read your story before, but it still makes me reel to see it again. It enrages me that those people who moralize against our relationships being formally recognized are either blind to or apathetic about the pain they cause for us - and perhaps more importantly - the children!

Being Canadian I have the option of marrying my partner. The marriage would be formally recognized all across my country, as the decision to legalize gay marriage here was made on the basis of a national constitutional challenge. (here we call it the Charter of Rights and Freedoms) HOWEVER, as some of you know, my beloved is American and currently we live on opposite sides of the border, even though we spend much of our time together. Should we decide to spend time in the States our marriage would mean NOTHING! WTF!

Things have got to change!

Sue

[Rockinonahigh]

Keri
So sorry this happened to you and your friend,it makes me sick to know that this can happed then and could even now.Hear where I live we are lucky to have several gay lawyers who are well versed on the laws where applyable in this situation.
Rockin

[iamkeri1]

YAH YAH this thread is depressing, but its the truth. School has started or will in a few days. The holidays will be here before we blink. Make this the year you give your family the gift of knowing that what you all want will be honored should an emergency occur.

Get those wills written, do that power of attorney. Don't use money as an excuse. Most of the necessary forms can be found online for free, and notaries are free to very cheap. Get your property documents in order, Check the titles on your cars and other vehicles. If you want your partners name on your house, do a quit claim. You don't have to talk to your bank or get permission. You will not have to pay doc stamps. You can get the forms online, fill them out, get a couple of witnesses to our signatures and then file them with the county. Filing fees cost little.

Make sure the beneficiaries on your insurance policies are are up to date. Buy some insurance for your families! Don't be cheap! Insurance costs a lot less than that cable bill! Your loved ones are important and while nothing will replace you if you die, money will help solve some of the problems they will face after your death. And both (or all) partners need insurance, not just the bread winners.

Stop proscrastinating - do it!!!

Love each other,
Protect each other
See that your wishes are honored in an emergency.
Life (and death) happens, peeps!

Smooches,
Keri

[citybutch]

I posted in your old thread Keri... and I love that you are keeping this information alive for our community. It is so important. My heart bleeds for both you and your friend. These times are devastating even when there is appropriate planning. The lack of planning brings a whole other level of devastation that most people do not think about much less plan for. It is hard to think about when times are good... but it is in the good times we need to take the appropriate steps.

A couple notes of caution:

For those of us who DO own homes and want to put our beloveds on title, please be aware that this IRS considers this a gift and anything over $13,000 is taxable to the person who is gifting the property. Unless there is some kind of "consideration" (payment/purhcase/etc) then you may be opening yourself up to a serious tax consequnce for this type of transfer. Some tax advisors may give contradictory advice... but it is very clear in IRS code. Please be careful... wills and trusts can accomplish the same goal without the gifting tax consequences. ALSO, when you transfer title as a Joint Tenant to your beloved you both become subject to the creditors and liabilities of the Joint Tenant... something you may regret later on...

Also be aware that Joint Tenants is not always the best and cheapest way to hold title to any asset (home, bank account, etc). There may be tax and probate consequences to the asset at death, depending on what state you live in. Discussing your wishes with an Estate and Tax attorney who is very well versed in LGBT law is highly advised. Also make sure your financial planner is well versed on these subjects. It saves you on many headaches down the road.

There are many couples in our community who are in bi-national relationships ( I count myself as one of those). Whether you are in a same-sex, heterosexual, or otherwise defined relationship, if you are living in the US, you are exposed greatly to transfer taxes at death. You are exposed to Estate taxes after transferring a mere $133,000. If you own a home and a life insurance policy (heck, if you own just ONE of those) you are exposed to a very high transfer tax at death. Your financial planner and attorney should be well versed on these types of situations. There are trusts that exist to maximize the transfer of these assets at death.


September is Life Insurance Awareness Month. This month is a perfect time to make sure you have enough life insurance, update beneficiaries, and review your entire insurance portfolios to make sure what you want is what is going to happen should one of you pass away prematurely.

Anyhoo... there are so many other issues to consider as LGBT couples... but even heterosexual couples need to do their planning. If you die intestate (without a will or trust), the state you live in has a plan for you... and I can guarantee it is NOT what you want to have happen...

[citybutch]

I was repped this morning on this thread and thought I would give it a little *bump*....

Always important info!

[citybutch]

I also want to add that the "consideration" needs to be at fair market value. In other words, you cannot transfer title to your partner and receive $1 for the transfer. If fair market value is above what is paid then anything above what is paid will be considered a gift.

Originally Posted by citybutch

For those of us who DO own homes and want to put our beloveds on title, please be aware that the IRS considers this a gift and anything over $13,000 is taxable to the person who is gifting the property. Unless there is some kind of "consideration" (payment/purhcase/etc) then you may be opening yourself up to a serious tax consequnce for this type of transfer. Some tax advisors may give contradictory advice... but it is very clear in IRS code. Please be careful... wills and trusts can accomplish the same goal without the gifting tax consequences. ALSO, when you transfer title as a Joint Tenant to your beloved you both become subject to the creditors and liabilities of the Joint Tenant... something you may regret later on...

[Luckydwg07]

Bump.... good stuff

[iamkeri1]

Hey, citybutch,
Regarding the "consideration", I have some questions.
Is the consideration amount based on equity in the home or the purchase price or the actual market value? If you bought the home five years ago for one hundred thousand, (and the value has now dropped to $60,000 or risen to $150,000) but only have $3000.00 in equity, can your partner pay you $1500.00 to satisfy the consideration or must they pay ome other amount?

Can the consideration be a kind of "trade"? Like I bring my $1500.00 furniture set to your house and you put my name on the title? Or I put your name on the title of my home with a conparable equity anount in it at the same time so there is an equal trade of value?

Thanks for keeping this thread current.
Smooches,
Keri

[citybutch]

Interestingly, the gift depends on if you are both on the loan or not. If you quick claim your lover over onto the deed but assume the entire loan then courts have looked at this as gifting the entire amount of the fair market value of the house. If you both assume the debt against the property then you are gifting 50%.

So your second question is embedded in the answer above... it is the fair market value of what you owe that you have gifted. If you gifted it in 2008 it would be the market value on that date.. not on the date in 2011 when you sold it and value fell... and the court AND the IRS will calculate these values. You would both assume the loss.

The answer to the second part of your post is really going to depend on what state you are in and whether it is a Common Law state or Community Property state... and when the furniture was purchased. One really doesn't "title" furniture so it is comparing apples and oranges.. but if you are in a state like California and one person buys the furniture during the course of a Domestic Partnership/Marriage and the other buys the house.... and then gifts it... then it could theoretically be argued in court that there was a certain level of consideration (one would have to come up with a lot of furniture to make that happen it would seem to me). The key is... is that any amount of the value of the house that is above and beyond the value of the furniture is a gift.

Consideration does not have to be cash. If for example, your lover supported you and paid all your bills out of her account and it became a documented loan, then you gifted her a quick claim onto your deed to repay her and it was a comparable amount of equity... then that would be clear consideration.... and easily argued.

Finally, it really shouldn't freak people out that you are gifting. Currently you can gift up to $5,000,000 to anyone... in your lifetime. That's a lot... (it will probably go back down closer to $1,000,000 in 2013). However, anything above the $13,000 annual gift exclusion needs to be reported to the IRS in a Gift Tax Return. It will ultimately impact your estate transfer at death... but there are many in our community who will not reach the $5,000,000 that we are allowed to transfer at death (with proper estate and trust planning). What I don't want to see is for the estate tax exclusion to go back down to $1,000,000. MANY of us would be impacted with this tax because we are not recognized federally in our marriages (heterosexually married couples can transfer an unlimited amount of assets at death with proper planning). If you own a home and a life insurance policy then odds are you would have an estate tax problem if it went back down.... When I work with my clients I really look at ownership and titling of assets (including life insurance) to make sure that no matter what happens the best tax consequence is realized.

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

Hey, citybutch,
Regarding the "consideration", I have some questions.
Is the consideration amount based on equity in the home or the purchase price or the actual market value? If you bought the home five years ago for one hundred thousand, (and the value has now dropped to $60,000 or risen to $150,000) but only have $3000.00 in equity, can your partner pay you $1500.00 to satisfy the consideration or must they pay ome other amount?

Can the consideration be a kind of "trade"? Like I bring my $1500.00 furniture set to your house and you put my name on the title? Or I put your name on the title of my home with a conparable equity anount in it at the same time so there is an equal trade of value?

Thanks for keeping this thread current.
Smooches,
Keri

[iamkeri1]

It's summer time. The kids will be home. They need protection. If you are traveling out of your home state or country, you will face laws different from those in your home state or country. Get the documents you will need in place before your go. People get hurt on vacation. Car wrecks! Train wrecks! Reactions to unusual foods. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THESE THINGS!

Please. Love one another enough to get your papers in place.

Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

It's summer time. The kids will be home. They need protection. If you are traveling out of your home state or country, you will face laws different from those in your home state or country. Get the documents you will need in place before your go. People get hurt on vacation. Car wrecks! Train wrecks! Reactions to unusual foods. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THESE THINGS!

Please. Love one another enough to get your papers in place.

Smooches,
Keri

What a great reminder!

[Starrynightaw]

This one really got to me. I've always been so worried about things such as this considering I've had a few relatives pass unexpectedly and left others in ruins financially. Worth reading.

[citybutch]

Came across a REALLY great site from Lambda Legal and wanted to share...

These are things we ALL should be thinking about no matter what age we are:

http://www.lgbtagingcenter.org/resources/index.cfm

In particular is this workbook.. It is long but comprehensive and talks about the WHYS of planning::

http://www.lgbtagingcenter.org/resou...ource.cfm?r=42

[iamkeri1]

Thanks CB
You are always a great source of information. Thanks for sharing,
Smooches,
Keri

[iamkeri1]

Hi Y'all!
It's me again! Here to remind you to take care of each other. What better gift can you give each other than the security of knowing that you have layed out a plan for your future together if you are part of a couple> Even if you are single you need to have your plans/wishes covered.

Is the beneficiary on your insurance correct? Do you have a will, living will, power of attorney, in place? Are you getting (legally) married over the holidays, or (gulp) divorced? Do you have a plan for the future care of your children should you become incapacitated or die? (Hey folks, everybody dies!) Did you have a home before you got together with your partner and now you want to put their name on it?

Many of you have life/health/disability insurance benefits at work - is the information on these policies correct? Do you have domestic partner benefits at work? Are you ready to get your partner covered under these plans? Big step to take, but get it done if you see yourself in a committed relationship.

The long and short of it, my darlings, is that the new year is soon at hand, get this crap cleared up before then so you can start the new year fresh.

...aaaaaaaaaaaaah now doesn't that feel better?

Smooches,
Keri

[Rockinonahigh]

Keri,I had a will and powers of attorney and anything I could find that would keep as stress freed for me and my family so when the time comes there wouldnt be any crazy stuff pop up out of the blue.In case some of the folks on the planet dont know this, u can use the leagle aid services in your town
to do the leagle work and its free and they will do the noterizeing for free as well..all it took was a phone call.Infact the leagle aid is good to use for lots of services.

[StoneOne]

everyone for this info it really made me sit up and pay attention!

[iamkeri1]

Hello my dear ones. The holidays are approaching. What better time to gift you partner and other loved ones with the gift of security?

Many more of us can now marry legally in their homes state than was true when I started this thread. Now that we can marry we are looking at different aspects of legality than when we were denied this right. Before you marry do you need a pre-nup? (A legal agreement signed before the marriage to decide how money will be handled during the marriage and how it should be distributed after the marriage, should it end in divorce) If either you or your fiance have significant funds, you should consider a pre-nup. Having a pre-nup does not mean you are planning for the failure of your marriage. It means that before you marry, you are sitting down together to make financial decisions. Since financial issues are the primary cause for most divorces, talking about them before you marry is a good idea. You may decide that a pre-nup is unnecessary, but at least you will have had the conversation.

For those of us still stuck in states which do not allow us to marry, we need to have our "documents" in order. Powers of attorney, wills, living wills, designated medical care deciders, car titles, home deeds/titles, life insurance both employer provided and the ones we purchase and any other documents concerning shared property or services need to be reviewed to make sure they reflect our current wishes.

If you have insurance or any other monetary sources in the names of our birth families, DO NOT COUNT ON THEM TO "DO THE RIGHT THING" FOR YOUR PARTNER!!!! The truth is they most likely will not do as you wish. (re-read the stories above) Money is a strong motivator. Family who have been nice to your partner while you are allive may treat them terrible should you die.

Most importantly you need to designate who will care for your children should you die or become disabled, or face some other challenge to your parenting.

NEW HORROR STORY: Two lesbian members of my church took in two toddlers whose mother was "on the street" - a drug addict. They did this legally, with involvement from Department of Children and Family. They were raising these children using their own money with no help from the parent.
One of these children died three weeks ago. He was acting strangely when they brought him home from child care and died within 15 minutes of being brought in to their home. DCF came and took all childen out of their home, including Parent 1's 11 year old natural child. The investigation is still underway. The birth child is still outside their home. Parent 1 is allowed very liberal visitation. Parent 2, who has been the child's mother for over six years, and who, in fact, has been the monetary supporter for the whole family during that time, has not been allowed to see the child AT ALL ... BECAUSE SHE IS NOT FAMILY!!! All parties know that these women are a couple, they are not hiding anything. This decision is simply a slap in the face to them because they are gay. I'm not making these stories up, folks, this is what is happening to our people out there.


Come on folks, we're all adults here. Let's take care of our business.
Smooches,
Keri

[Sun]

Hi Keri,

Thank you for all of this very important and useful information.

Regarding the horror story above, the couple from your church, do you know if they have good legal representation? If not I am sure that there is someone out there that will take on that case and help them out.

I also want to remind everyone who is reading this to get an Advanced Directive or Health Care proxy/Power of Attorney (see what your state requires and what you need to travel with) in order for yourself and for your partner (if you are responsible for each other in the event of an emergency). Many couples overlook this and in the event of a health crisis there may be no time to negotiate the politics of who is going to make the call regarding treatment. Also make sure that there is another adult who is aware of your wishes and in a position to legally advocate for your children and care for them in the event that both of you are experiencing a crisis.

Thank you again for your posts and I want to express my deep sympathy for your loss and for the incredible lack of kindness that you experienced from this very broken system.