Mental Illness

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

[la_la]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

Andrew,

Do you know if your bio-Father was violent because of his mental illness or because it was his nature?
This was the mixed message I got from my ex's therapists in that some say it had to do with the illness and some say it was personality.
Please give me your honest opinion

Peace
'iz

[la_la]

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by la_la

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.

[la_la]

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by la_la

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz

Talking about things seems to help alot of people, there are lots of us who will listen and talk, don't be afraid to say how you feel.

[la_la]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Talking about things seems to help alot of people, there are lots of us who will listen and talk, don't be afraid to say how you feel.

Thanks so much NotAnAverageGuy. It helps so much to know that there is someone listening and helping if they can.

Peace,
'iz

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by la_la

Thanks so much NotAnAverageGuy. It helps so much to know that there is someone listening and helping if they can.

Peace,
'iz

No problem hun

[Andrew, Jr.]

We are all here for each other. I just hope and pray for miracles every day for those who suffer, and for caregivers.

Nobody is an island. Nobody.

[Andrew, Jr.]

La_La,

I am sorry I missed your question to me yesterday. I never saw it.

My bio-father is mentally ill. One minute he can be like a lamb, and the next a vicious shark. His moods change at the drop of a hat. It is something all of my siblings and I had to deal with growing up. The only thing I can compare it with - it would be an alcoholic. Even being terminally ill, he still creates havoc. It just shows his nature. He loves to create chaos.

Does this help?

Andrew

[Soon]

Depression's Upside

[Apocalipstic]

I just wanted to bump the thread an see who is still around and how everone is feeling?

I am working on my boundaries and how to know when something is OK or not for me...I struggle with that. My therapist says if something does not seem right to me (for me) then it is not right for me.

It seems so simple.

Can it be?

[Andrew, Jr.]

For me, my boundaries are reasonable. I feel and believe certain truths. Some people I do believe, and trust in. Then there are some people who are outright liars seeking attention so they throw people under the bus to be a part of a click or group. This is both in real time and online. It is human nature. I was reminded of this by The Lady Snow and Sir Daywalker when I was talking about a Native American Indian movie I had just watched. It seems simple, but it isn't to have boundaries. It is hard. And I am sensitive, so it makes it even harder for me.

I struggle with new people who I have a new relationship with. I have no idea about their past. I am concerned with learning about them. However, if someone doesn't understand my limitations/disabilities they will not understand me.

I am more vocal online than in real time. I feel like the computer is easier for me to use. It is my voice. What is inside doesn't come out right. And some people are offended by what I say. It never is meant in a negative or nasty intention. Never.

However, lately, I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. No matter what I say, it isn't the right words. Thank God we have Linus here. He has given us the smilies that do help me.

I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I had to stop. My therapists had exposed my sessions to my father. Now, this was long before HIPPA Rules/Laws were in effect, and other laws to protect the victims.

One of the biggest problems I have had held against me is gossip of me having multiple personalities. This was never undercovered in any of my therapy. I was just diagnosed with GID. I have my letters for srs, and hrt. That is it. It is rumors and gossip like this that piss me off. People just have too much time on their hands I think or are the ones intentionally seeking to hurt me. What they don't realize is that there are some folks here online who do have that disorder, and do seek comfort online here for that. Their unkind remarks really hurt those folks, not me. So in hurting one - me, you really hurt all of us, which is a Buddist principle, which I practice. I try to stress this but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I am not sure of why.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

For me, my boundaries are reasonable. I feel and believe certain truths. Some people I do believe, and trust in. Then there are some people who are outright liars seeking attention so they throw people under the bus to be a part of a click or group. This is both in real time and online. It is human nature. I was reminded of this by The Lady Snow and Sir Daywalker when I was talking about a Native American Indian movie I had just watched. It seems simple, but it isn't to have boundaries. It is hard. And I am sensitive, so it makes it even harder for me.

I struggle with new people who I have a new relationship with. I have no idea about their past. I am concerned with learning about them. However, if someone doesn't understand my limitations/disabilities they will not understand me.

I am more vocal online than in real time. I feel like the computer is easier for me to use. It is my voice. What is inside doesn't come out right. And some people are offended by what I say. It never is meant in a negative or nasty intention. Never.

However, lately, I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. No matter what I say, it isn't the right words. Thank God we have Linus here. He has given us the smilies that do help me.

I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I had to stop. My therapists had exposed my sessions to my father. Now, this was long before HIPPA Rules/Laws were in effect, and other laws to protect the victims.

One of the biggest problems I have had held against me is gossip of me having multiple personalities. This was never undercovered in any of my therapy. I was just diagnosed with GID. I have my letters for srs, and hrt. That is it. It is rumors and gossip like this that piss me off. People just have too much time on their hands I think or are the ones intentionally seeking to hurt me. What they don't realize is that there are some folks here online who do have that disorder, and do seek comfort online here for that. Their unkind remarks really hurt those folks, not me. So in hurting one - me, you really hurt all of us, which is a Buddist principle, which I practice. I try to stress this but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I am not sure of why.

I really do wonder if it's the neurological differences that account for most of this Andrew. I don't get it either.

I too am amazed at some of the lies I see...not on this website, but in real life. Lies and secrets. I am not even good at feelings, and some of it seems so blaringly obvious.

I am very sensitive too and have always been. My meds help, but I think we are similar in that regard.

I can't even imgine how it must have feel for your therapists to not have kept your confidence. A doctor once told my father some stuff and I am still not over it. The feeling of no privacy or betrayal. I am so sorry this happened to you. Do know that if you return to therapy no one can say a word of it at the cost of their careers.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Oh yes, I know that now. I think it was a darn shame, and I know that the therapist that did this to me is now well aware of what she did to me. I showed up at her office after a beating. I wanted her to see for herself what the result was of her conversation w/my father. She will live with that image for the remainder of her life.

I am glad you understand. I just feel...so very alone. I am tired of being a punching bag. Like I am delusional, not dealing with reality, and so on and on. It is very hurtful. This just goes on and on from 1 site to another to another.

Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Oh yes, I know that now. I think it was a darn shame, and I know that the therapist that did this to me is now well aware of what she did to me. I showed up at her office after a beating. I wanted her to see for herself what the result was of her conversation w/my father. She will live with that image for the remainder of her life.

I am glad you understand. I just feel...so very alone. I am tired of being a punching bag. Like I am delusional, not dealing with reality, and so on and on. It is very hurtful. This just goes on and on from 1 site to another to another.

Andrew

Maybe meditate on blocking it?

Focus on Spring and your babies. There are great things happening Andrew. We need to look at the good things and stay away from the bad. Especially now that we both are so spun out....we need to block out the rest.

Bit once gave me a great piece of advice, she said If I thought I saw my father around (he is dead and I was "seeing" him and hearing him) to take up an imaginary spray can of smoke or something like that and just spray him away. Maybe you could do that in your mind to people who make you feel beat up...spray their voices away.

I have met you in person, you are a good guy... just are going to have to learn to block better. I still don't think being around your father is a good idea at all, but I am biased.

My therapist says if we think we are crazy, then we are not.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I can remember being told the same exact thing by my therapist. Wow...I had forgotten that principle.

I am going to be using the spray can. Oh yes. That will come in handy. I am avoiding my father now. The last time I saw him, it was a nasty 10 min. together time. I mean nasty. Then when my perfect sister walked in the room, you would have thought Jesus Christ walked in the room Himself. It was the difference between night and day with him.

[Darth Denkay]

Depression's Upside??? Nope, not buying it.

I live with major depressive disorder. This means that regardless of how wonderful every single aspect of my life is, I have a chemical imbalance which, if not managed, will render me unable to survive. There is no upside to this. There is no upside to taking medication every day so that I don't slip into the deep abyss.

Throughout their life, most folks will experience sadness, perhaps even depression, in response to significant life stressors. Sadness/depression allow/help us to 1) know that something has happened that we need to deal with, 2)slow us down so that we can focus, and 3) helps us know when we are overcoming sadness (among many other roles that basic sadness serves). This is normal, and though not pleasant, it is healthy and helpful. Major Depressive Disorder - major depression that is not linked to an exterior event, is not healthy or helpful.

I like Darwin. I think he had a lot of really grand ideas and I do buy some of his theory. However, he was in a position where his own circumstance (apparently living with a clinical mental disorder) went against the very focus of his theory. Because depression is prevalent, then it must be useful, because if it isn't it goes against survival of the fittest and makes his grand plan moot.

We can't say for certain what Darwin's situation was. We can conjecture on what diagnosis/es he might have had, but we can't know. Finally, we can't look at his life as some sort of evidence that actually, depression can have a good side. Normal sadness - yes. Clinical depression - oh hell no.

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Depression's Upside

[Darth Denkay]

Hello all, good to see Andrew and Apocalipstic around. I'd been meaning to bump this thread so check in - you guys beat me to it.

I'm doing okay, seem to be well-maintained. Drugs, therapy, coping mechanisms - that's what makes my life go round. Not much else to report here...