I feel guilt about losing weight thread

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I just wanted to give some insight from a fat person, as to why someone might not be supportive of your weight loss.

Sometimes people losing weight are riddled which shame about their size and talk about that shame non-stop and cut themselves down and beat themselves up about their weight. This is difficult to listen to.

Sometimes when people are losing weight, every conversation, often in nice restaurants is of how many hours they exercize and how much they do not eat...etc.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for losing weight, but if you want to keep your friends, maybe make sure they know you are still THEIR friend. When you talk about your shame, it shames them too. Maybe choose activities away from food, so every word is not about you and your diet.

Guilt helps no one, but being a good friend does!

Excellent advice, Apocalipstic! Points I haven't ever considered, so thank you! <3

[*Anya*]

One issue I did not address was the talking about weight. I never talked about it when I was fat. I never, ever wanted to call attention to it, as though if I did not mention it-no one would notice.

Conversely, I was and still am so acutely aware of the tremendous struggle it is for most of us to lose weight, I am very sensitive to those around me and their own journey-regardless if they are losing or not; I never talk about it other than the appropriate threads here on the Planet.

If people at work ask me about it, as they knew/know me, both before and after, I simply answer the question asked of me-otherwise I do not mention anything about it.

No guilt, I just try to be sensitive and respectful of those around me. No one likes braggarts.

[Passionaria]

Over the past year I have lost quite a bit of weight, not really consciously trying to, but my appetite has changed. For me it's a huge relief to be letting go of what I will call emotional eating. Food has at times been my drug of choice, and I LOVE to cook.

I also have food allergies. I have learned that every time I eat something I am allergic to (wheat and eggs), I have a hystamine reaction, which causes me to puff up. If I do this on a daily basis or even several times a week, I will just keep "puffing up". When I avoid these foods religiously, I deflate, lol. These being such a big part of the American diet, makes it hard to cook and eat with others, because I feel like I'm being a pain in the butt, or difficult. But the consequences of eating them is worse. So I do feel guilty at times when I am in a situation where these foods are all that are offered or available. I have learned to just say I'm not hungry, or pick at something that I can eat, but I do feel like I'm being a pain.

I have also started working out, and swam all summer. Just a bit of getting out and moving seems to make a huge difference for me. My goal is Salsa Dancing, so I am trying to get my stamina and muscle tone up enough that I can spend an evening on the dance floor. That is my gift to myself. And fitting in my Victoria's Secrets wardrobe .

Last weekend I went to a wedding, and all of the clothes I tried on, fell off me, I was shocked. Then panicked because what's a girl going to wear? lol.

OK I'm going to be totally honest here: So addressing the question of guilt. I do notice that my slimming body makes some people uncomfortable. They could not even compliment me. Even tried to talk me into eating more, like my lack of raging appetite and careful food choices, were symptomatic of emotional problems, or self denial. On the flip side, these people and I had an unspoken agreement about overeating together, and using food to make us feel good. SO me changing made them feel uncomfortable. Honestly, it kind of pissed me off, because I felt like they wanted to sabotage me, because they were comfortable with me being heavy, as it gave them permission to overeat. And it is not an agreement I want to have with myself or them anymore, and they feel a loss. And for a minute I did entertain my lack of appetite may not be good, but my body feels so much better when I eat light.

I do also notice that I feel a bit apologetic when I tell people who I know want to loose weight, that I am on the road being a healthier, lighter me. Not because I think their being big is bad, but because it changes the dynamics between us on some unspoken level. And I think it might make them feel bad. All I know is that it has taken me a very long time to understand what my body really needs, and that I can find joy in other ways than indulging my palate, and it feels like coming home to "ME".

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I just wanted to give some insight from a fat person, as to why someone might not be supportive of your weight loss.

Sometimes people losing weight are riddled which shame about their size and talk about that shame non-stop and cut themselves down and beat themselves up about their weight. This is difficult to listen to.

Sometimes when people are losing weight, every conversation, often in nice restaurants is of how many hours they exercize and how much they do not eat...etc.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for losing weight, but if you want to keep your friends, maybe make sure they know you are still THEIR friend. When you talk about your shame, it shames them too. Maybe choose activities away from food, so every word is not about you and your diet.

Guilt helps no one, but being a good friend does!

Thank for this- this is such a sensitive area to talk about. Shame is key- so very key. Even as a kid and really not being fat then, but a whole bigger than what girls "should" be, plus being athletic, I just felt shame- general size shame. It is so dam interwoven in US society and physical appearance.

I don't talk "diet"- if I do speak of food, it is about a food plan that I can live with and only if I am asked about how I have learned to eat better. I also know that my weight issues are addictive (I have battled smoking forever also) in nature and that I really had an undiagnosed eating disorder for years. To be honest, I look at my weight in terms of balance in my life now. I know I have a not so healthy relationship with food and emotional triggers. I will get kind of crazy when I gain some weight and that bothers me because I don't honestly feel that I have achieved (even at the age of 60 and a background as a therapist) non-distortion about weight and size. I still do not see myself as at a good weight for my "structure" and age even though I am. That distortion is from this fat-phobic society, yet, I want us all to address weight if it is hurting us health-wise. But I really don't think there is much conscious awareness of all of the variables involved in being obese (new data out on child-sex abuse and weight gain).

Something else that comes up for me is that I certainly know many "heavy" people that are quite active and do not have high BP, etc. at all. They are not obese and frankly I don't view as "heavy" because that is connected to the sizeism that feeds body image distortion.

On the other hand, I have lost a couple of friends due to obesity in my life- they died, one in her sleep that would not get treatment for sleep apnea.

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by Miss_Tia

wow. Can i connect with this or what? I had my surgery a season ago. I dropped enough weight to need new clothes. Here are some of the remarks i have gotten from my friends and family, of all sizes:

Bet you think you're something now, dont you?

Better keep your fat clothes, you're just gonna gain it all back someday.

I wish I had YOUR problem of having to buy all new clothes (not said in a nice way)

Oh we cant go to a buffet because SHE cant eat like us anymore

Is that all you're going to order? Are you trying to make us feel bad?

well, you didnt lose enuf to be skinny. So what then...

***********

Great thread to start to help people not feel guilty about who they are or what they want in their life.

The things you mention Miss_Tia seems harsher than just making you feel guilty, it's almost like they are jealous or worry for your health or maybe a bit of both.. The way people act like that and what they said is not okay. I would politely tell them it's your choice, your health and you will make the decisions. Ask them if they are trying to make you feel bad? .. and tell them because you feel pretty good about where you are and the positive changes you're making for your health.

Don't let people make you guilty about food and your body and your choices. You do what you feel right. It is nice to have support but if people are gonna be negative and make you feel guilty it's probably best not to associate or got out with them then. Their loss if they can't stay friends and support you.