Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Check Your Email...

[Girl_On_Fire]

So I've known my ex on and off for the better part of a decade. We've been on-again off-again a few times and this time, it is off-again and staying that way for good. Unfortunately, like clockwork, whenever we break up, I get a message about every 3 months or so with some information about what is going on in her life, an apology, an explanation or an "I miss you"; the latter of which I got yesterday.

It hit me like a punch to the gut to just see those 3 little words. I cried briefly but didn't respond. Sending any kind of message back would be bad in this case as the relationship had become toxic and had a rather abrupt, emotionally-damaging ending. (I got an apology message a few hours later that I also didn't respond to.)

Has this happened to you? Have you been out of a relationship for a while and started to move on, blissfully enjoying getting your life back together when your ex emails, calls, or texts out of the blue?

If so, what did you do?

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's very difficult. I have managed to sever some of the ones that were absolutely damaging because to be perfectly honest, I just couldn't go there anymore. I just couldn't. something snapped.
Others however, I can ignore "I miss you" or "please..." or "Blahblahblahfuckinhearditallbeforeblahblah" because I don't believe it anymore but then something they say makes me lose my temper and I "tell them off" and that's their foot in the door - they then say something in that argument that makes me laugh. Then, I'm fucked. I melt.

And I'm speaking to them again. I'm thinking of two people in particular. I have let go of one and our friendship just does what it does. I don't expect anything at all from her anymore and since that I have to admit we are getting along very well. I don't want anything from her aside from occasional understanding. I know what she's like and that's just that. I accept and just love her for who she is, and everything that goes with it. I don't have to make any kind of commitments to it.

The other is harder. It's my wife and we are just ending the divorce. She still, to this day, 20 months later, still tells me how much she loves me, how sorry she is, that I'm her very best friend and blahblahblah and still says extremely hurtful things that she doesn't even understand she is saying.

But I take a deep breath now and just let go. It hurts, but she's just letting words blather from her mouth. She means them for the five minutes she says them.

It's been my experience that most people are like this. So I no longer trust words at all. I miss you means, really, fuck all. It just means at that moment they are feeling sorry for themselves and lonely and some words tumble out of their mouths fired at your that take the shape of the letters I-m-i-s-s-y-o-u. What does that even mean, exactly? Who knows. it's something they are feeling and it comes out of their mouths. For me, it doesn't mean much. it's just words and passing feelings of someone else.

If you can get fed up and let go of reading any meaning whatso ever into the blather people spill, focus on the actions they do. anyone can say anything at all. focus on what they have done and what they do. And try your best to just let go.

It's not easy but you do get there, eventually. If you feel you have to, set a rule up on your email for a while to just automatically trash her letters for a while as well so you don't have to read it.

[FemmeItalian]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

It's very difficult. I have managed to sever some of the ones that were absolutely damaging because to be perfectly honest, I just couldn't go there anymore. I just couldn't. something snapped.

If you can get fed up and let go of reading any meaning whatso ever into the blather people spill, focus on the actions they do. anyone can say anything at all. focus on what they have done and what they do. And try your best to just let go.

It's not easy but you do get there, eventually. If you feel you have to, set a rule up on your email for a while to just automatically trash her letters for a while as well so you don't have to read it.

I agree with these statements wholeheartedly. Don't wait for the next email to come about....but take a moment now when you are feeling somewhat strong and set up a rule for your email so you don't have to see the letters when they come through. Reading them only takes you back instead of helping you to keep healing and moving forward.

My ex and I were together 17 ½ years when we broke up. As yours, this was also a very abrupt, emotionally-damaging ending.

The anniversary of this event was 4 years ago….tonight….(I guess happy anniversary to me...lol). The emotional games didn’t stop for quite some time, as well as the emails and phone calls.

Our situation was challenging as we both work for the same corporation…..and we are 2 of the 8 Product Line Managers for our organization…reporting to the same director. Soooo…..I have to see her at a minimum of at least once a week for meetings.

It did have to get to a point where I did not answer her calls after hours as well as I blocked her from sending emails to my home email account. If I didn’t block her….I knew that I would be curious if an email came through and would end up reading it….so I took that temptation away. Work was much easier to control.

This week I had to see her several times. I keep it all business and basically do not go out of my way to talk with her. I do not want to, or intend to ever be her friend….she didn’t earn, nor does she deserve my friendship.

Again, you will eventually let go, but it will take some time. Each and every day, it does get a little bit better. Don’t try and rush it….it will happen.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I'm definitely not in the place where I want to take her back. We've been there, done that many times over. I'm in a different place. I think the only reason I don't block her email address (which I've done in the past) is because she's threatened to harm herself. I've been saving each email in case she does that again. That way, I can at least call someone and get her help. Apparently, the last time I blocked her email address, she threw herself into a river.

This may sound cold and detached but I saw things when I was with her that greatly raised my tolerance for unbalanced behavior. I know I'm strong enough this time around to see the emails for what they are and if need be, and they get really unbalanced, I have a legitimate reason to call someone if I have to.

I wish she could see that her sudden desire for me out of the blue is just her feeling guilty and her way of not dealing with her own issues and her own pain. I don't know if she'll ever stop running from herself and despite everything, I'll always love her. I just can't be with or interact with her. I'm only enabling her behavior if I do and it's not doing me any emotional favors either.

[always2late]

I went through something like this with my ex-wife. It took a friend to help me see the truth...that her contact with me was a way of maintaining control over me. She knew exactly what buttons to push to get my attention, and to keep me engaged. It didn't matter what kind of attention she got from me, as long as she got it, and as long as she was able to remain in some aspect of my life. If I ever tried to completely cut her out of my life, then the suicidal threats began. Behavior such as this has nothing to do with love, or desire, it is all about control, manipulation, and maintaining a presence. If someone truly loves you, but knows that the two of you are not going to be together for whatever reason, they do not try to keep you from moving on. To love someone means you want their happiness, even if that happiness is not with you.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by always2late

I went through something like this with my ex-wife. It took a friend to help me see the truth...that her contact with me was a way of maintaining control over me. She knew exactly what buttons to push to get my attention, and to keep me engaged. It didn't matter what kind of attention she got from me, as long as she got it, and as long as she was able to remain in some aspect of my life. If I ever tried to completely cut her out of my life, then the suicidal threats began. Behavior such as this has nothing to do with love, or desire, it is all about control, manipulation, and maintaining a presence. If someone truly loves you, but knows that the two of you are not going to be together for whatever reason, they do not try to keep you from moving on. To love someone means you want their happiness, even if that happiness is not with you.

I completely agree.