Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[Kenna]

(let's see if I can get a poll started without any phone pad typos or foot -in-mouth statements)..... If you were approached by a friend and asked "what do you know about [this person]?..... Would you answer? ...Do you feel obligated to answer a trusted friend? .....Are you quick to answer or do you refrain from getting "in the middle"?...... disclaimer: over the last few months, I've been asked that question by several different people about several other different persons, all non-related situations. I struggle answering because I feel it's gossiping.

[Strappie]

I know what people say about me. It's not nice.. I think there are way too many people that are quick to judge and haven't a CLUE as to what they are talking about. In my case, if they "really knew me" they would know I'm far from it.

I try my best not to say a whole lot for the fact that if the two people start dating and if I said horrible stuff about the person and then those two people stay together for a long time WHO LOOKS LIKE THE FOOL? That would be me because you know the person I said it to will eventually tell them. So I try to stay out of it as much as I can.

[Kobi]

Whenever asked such a thing, I am always on guard....even if it is a trusted friend asking.

I always want to know 3 things. 1. what do they really want to know? 2. why do they want to know it? 3. why are they asking me in particular?

Their answers help me decide how to answer them or avoid answering them. Anything I choose to share is based on my own personal experience with someone and always with a positive spin (karma stuff ya know).

This, to me, is just sharing facts of my own experience. I dont consider this gossiping.

[Gemme]

I would answer honestly but as kind as I could.

For example, let's say I have a friend John and my other friend Regina asked me about John. I might say he's a good writer, funny and nice but he does like to drink.

*Note* I'm making these people and issues up for the sole sake of the question.

Why would I tell someone something like that? Well, maybe Regina has been in an alcohol-fueled violent relationship before and maybe John gets mean when he drinks. I would be doing what I felt was in the best interest of Regina by mentioning that to her. Did I say he's a raging alcoholic? No. I was referencing something that I knew would be a major trigger for her if that were the case.

Is it gossiping? Yes. Every time anyone says anything about anyone else, it's gossip. We all gossip. I think the intention plays heavily in situations like this.

[pajama]

I am usually very particular about who/how I make my own opinions of people. I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.

But I openly admit I am a HUGE gossip.

A

[Tawse]

Having been in both positions. (really is there a person who has NEVER asked another persons opinion about someone??? really????)


I like Gemma's approach - both in giving and receiving.

I've had my best friend have an all out feud with someone and yet I befriended that person despite that.

I'll listen to what you have to say - and then I'll use MY brain to see what I think. But I do appreciate being warned that XYZ enjoys smoking pot... because I have issues with that and would probably wonder why a friend failed to mention that fact to me if they knew my issues with the subject matter.

[*Anya*]

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

[Chancie]

I wouldn't be having this conversation at all with someone I did not know very well, and who did not know me very well.

I would share information about someone I knew well, but not someone with whom I had merely interacted a few times online.

I would share my impressions of someone I interacted with online, but I would be clear that I had never met the person and that I was just relating what I knew of them superficially.

I would not filter what I shared based on my personal interpretation of what I thought that person needed to hear. That's none of my business.

In most cases, if someone wants to know something specific, I usually encourage them to ask the other person directly.

But, if I have concrete first hand knowledge of behavior which I believe to be dangerous to others, I would certainly take the risk of sharing that information, regardless of whether I had been asked, and regardless of the potential fall out.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by pajara2

I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.


A

This is me to a T! I take each person on their own merit....should the gossip turn out to be true, then I at least know this from my own experiences.

I don't always get this courtesy back and some have admitted they were wrong about me and apologised.

[ruffryder]

I would answer, but let them know it's what I know and how the person to be and it's just my opinion. I don't feel obligated, I'll just do it if someone asks my opinion. If it's a really good, close friend and I see them getting close to someone I know is sketchy I will tell them how I feel even if they don't ask because I'm a friend and I care about them and if they get hurt. I don't see it as getting in the middle. The person can get to know them for themself and usually they do. What I refrain from doing is staying out of drama and judging people before I get to know them for myself.

[Glenn]

Sweet; Slowly, with time, You actually will achieve that zenlike feeling of existence that is of the utmost importance: YOU TRULY WON'T GIVE A ****.

[LaneyDoll]

My answer would depend on the parties involved. If a close, trusted friend were to ask the question, they are more likely to get an in-depth answer. If the asker was someone I barely knew or someone I am unsure of, they are going to get factual answers only.

Most of the people I interact with are in my lifestyle community. Since I am probably considered to be a leader in this community, I have to often stay neutral/unbiased etc. My reputation took years to earn and I will not throw it away on anything that could be perceived as gossip.

[Honey]

I think too we must ask of ourselves and others- Is this who that person IS .or is this who that person is with ME. Also, ppl change over time...I know I am not the same person today that I was 10 yrs ago...ppl change , learn, process and evolve...If they are doing it correctly.....

[Apocalipstic]

In our community it is important that we be able to ask for references or know that someone is who they say they are. I think being able to ask a few questions and get references is a way to stay safe.

Beyond that, I agree that we all have different interactions with different people and react really differently to different people. Also, as humans we grow and change. Just because someone used to drink a lot, or used to be a jerk does not mean they still are...or that they will be a jerk to you.

People act really differently when they are having all their buttons pushed. I myself act really differently depending on how I am treated. We ALL do.

So I would answer the question but make sure they know that it's my opinion and reaction to this person, and that their experience might be different.

(shhhhhh!!!! Strappie has an icing addiction shhhhhhh!!!! gossip alert)

[starryeyes]

Refrain!! Make your own assumptions. Everyone has different perspectives. I have heard crap about people before I met them, and they ended up being amazing folks!

But! If you hear they might be dangerous or something like that... I would look into it.

[JustJo]

I've been one who asked.

Honestly, I would like to know if there is something serious I should be aware of....and I'd also like to know if the "reference" is a good one too.

I recently asked about someone....not randomly or haphazardly or in general...but someone that I knew actually KNEW the person I was asking about...and someone whose opinion I trusted.

I'm very glad I did.

Now....would I reach out and offer my opinion without being asked? No. My feeling is that, if someone wants to know, they will ask me.

Would I give an opinion about someone I didn't know well? No, I'd decline.

Would I give an honest, factual account of someone that I did know well? Yep.

[Nat]

Recently a friend sent me a Facebook message asking if an ex of mine was "safe" because she was meeting him for lunch after meeting him through my Facebook. I have thought they would be a great match for some time but a mutual friend mentioned this woman tears men to shreds. And so I responded - "way safer than you! But seriously I'm not sure what your definition of "safe" is, but he won't rape or kill you or anything and he's a pretty good conversationalist."

She found this funny and said he was a "sweetie" but I think it might have been a one time meeting, alas. They really would make an excellent couple.

I will talk people up, but I'm really trying not to speak badly about people or share info that's not mine to share.

The older I get the more I realize we all have flaws, and even if I have had a bad experience with a person, that doesn't mean another person would. When I was single, I was warned about pretty much every person I flirted with by some person or other, and most of those warnings never applied. The warnings I should have heeded were the ones who warned me about themselves.

For people I consider premeditatedly predatory, I prefer not to speak about them either. Besides, anybody with healthy boundaries and google can find a list of red flags and be willing to utilize it.

[Sachita]

OMG I deal with this all the time! My son and the baby mama who is like my daughter. But I flat out tell them both (or anyone else in the same situation) I will listen, offer my opinion but I don't get involved by exchanging information. I make it very clear that I will not be in the middle and the first sign of drama my ass becomes distant until the work it out.

The ONLY time I engage in any kind of gossip is with a very close girlfriend and that's just how we roll. There are very few people in my life I'll carry on this way. I'm all about girl code. If someone breaks up, a couple and they were both friends I must always take girlfriends side. I am friendly with the other just at an arm's distance. I would never hook up, flirt or be with a girlfriends ex no matter how many years they were apart. Girlfriend code is sacred to me.

[chefhmboyrd]

as long as you are being forthright and truly have someone's best interest in mind, one should refrain from any overtly negative comments. When in doubt, bow out. Something like, " i don't know much about them" which is usually true, will suffice in any situation.

@

Hi Ya'll

[Kenna]

Interesting ...very interesting. I'm learning and absorbing a lot from everyone's responses and positive dialog. Can't thank you enough. It always helps to see multiple sides of a question or issue and be open to suggestions or new ways of thinking.