Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Rockinonahigh]

Dealing with and liveing threw this crazy often hurtfull life of mine,I at this point realise even tho it was in many was a liveing hell that I wouldnt wish on anyone....That I have servived it to be a better person,more understanding of others,that im still an open book waiting for new chapters to be whriten(sp?GRRRR).They may have bent the hell out of me but didnt break my soul or my mind.Somewhere I read what dosent break u will make u stronger,it took me a long time to understand that fully,now that I do get it,that statement is wort its weight in gold...tho I dont chose to repete the experence,wish I had come to this place by a better road..I did get hear with the help of good people,places like bfp who I share experences with.I hope I have helped u as much as u have me.Just remember this.....We are her,doing what we can to get threw every day the best we can.No matter what or how we live we are viable in this world.For me as with many who go threw all this bs we achived much and will contenue as life keeps going.
Rockin

[Apocalipstic]

It is great, I agree, to have people we can discuss all this with. Not knowing your background or where you come from is scary and something many people do not understand.

They think we should be thankful that someone adopted us, "took us in", as it were....like we will forever be tainted by our illegitimacy.

It boggles my mind that in this day and age, people still think lying to kids and feeling like its the right thing to do.


I would not wish adoption on anyone, and have spent most of my life wishing that abortion had been legal when I was conceived. I do not get how it seems to be a better idea to give a family member away to people you do not know. Anything can happen to a defenseless baby. And people say they give away their children out of love. Whatever.

I am a huge proponent of using birth control. It needs to be available everywhere. On every street corner.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I think some people need to be sterilized and castrated, birth control should be a law in this country.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I think some people need to be sterilized and castrated, birth control should be a law in this country.

Gotta agree!

[FeminineAllure]

I was adopted in a closed adoption at 3 days old. Life was always dysfunctional with my family and still is up to this very day. But I would not trade my life with them. I learned alot.
I know my birth mothers name and age and that my biological father was her boyfriend. She was divorced at the time and already had 3 children is as much as I know.
I have my original birth certificate and my name was Joy on it. I was named Lisa Marie.
I was told I was adopted as early as I could comprehend what that meant. I have two brothers one adopted one 9 years younger than me who is their biological son. I feel equally as close to both my brothers.
I am sorry for all of those that had bad experiences with being adopted. My life was not always the best either. I just don't want to go into depth with some of my personal experiences.
There was abuse, there was alcoholism.
But I believe I chose my parents. My experiences both bad and the good made me who I am today and I am happy how I turned out. If I was raised by my biological family there are no gaurantees it would have been any better.
I have no desire to meet my birth family. I feel I was put up for adoption not the other way around. So It is up to her to search for me. I would not be opposed to meeting them but it's not a need of mine if I never do.

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

It is great, I agree, to have people we can discuss all this with. Not knowing your background or where you come from is scary and something many people do not understand.

They think we should be thankful that someone adopted us, "took us in", as it were....like we will forever be tainted by our illegitimacy.

It boggles my mind that in this day and age, people still think lying to kids and feeling like its the right thing to do.


I would not wish adoption on anyone, and have spent most of my life wishing that abortion had been legal when I was conceived. I do not get how it seems to be a better idea to give a family member away to people you do not know. Anything can happen to a defenseless baby. And people say they give away their children out of love. Whatever.

I am a huge proponent of using birth control. It needs to be available everywhere. On every street corner.

I completely agree with this entire post Well said

[FeminineAllure]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

I completely agree with this entire post Well said

Although I only know most of you through photos and your posts I would like to tell you I am happy you were not aborted. And there is a good reason you were not.

You are all so handsome and beautiful! Inside and out. And your thoughts, opinions and experiences are all worth being here to share with others. Not to mention the people you have met and partner/s lives you have touched deeply or are meant to meet in the near future. Their lives will be changed for the better by yours.
There are no mistakes.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

Although I only know most of you through photos and your posts I would like to tell you I am happy you were not aborted. And there is a good reason you were not.

You are all so handsome and beautiful! Inside and out. And your thoughts, opinions and experiences are all worth being here to share with others. Not to mention the people you have met and partner/s lives you have touched deeply or are meant to meet in the near future. Their lives will be changed for the better by yours.
There are no mistakes.

My life is a mistake, trust me.

[iamkeri1]

I hope you will not feel it an intrusion for me to post here. I am an adoptive Mom. Hubby and I adopted four kids who had been our foster kids, a sib group, the youngest four out of seven children we know of.

Their mother was a drug addict, and while not exactly a prostitute, let's just say she usually had some guy or another around to provide money. While in her custody, the kids saw her get beaten multiple times, shot at, and stabbed. She used drugs in front of them and when they were hungry she sent them to the corner store where she had credit established, but when the credit ran out, she knew they would steal to survive.

I'm just giving you this background to say that even though she was a pretty awful mother, I thought for a long time that it would have been easier on the kids to stay with her. It costs the state a great deal of money to "protect" kids who are in foster care. There is the cost of the court, the judge, the attornies, the court building, the therapists, the social workers, the paperwork, etc. etc. Then they pay the foster parents to take care of the kids. I assure you this is not much. For what you call a "generic" kids in MI, you get 50 cents per hour. Generic, now isn't that a great name for a kid?

If some of this money had been used to get help for the mother, maybe she would have been able to keep them. If she had been de-toxed and sent to a program. If she had a parenting coach to work with her in the home, showing her good disciplinary methods, and how to handle her own anger. If she had had a babysitter a few hours a week, or someone to call for help when she was jonesing at 3 o'clock in the morning. If someone had arrested the guys who were beating her up. I don't know if it would have worked, but I feel trying to help the birth parents is usually a better solution than taking the kids away. She is supposedly clean right now, so maybe she could have gotten clean then with help. She is still very low functioning. She lives in a residential hotel and provideds janitorial services in exchange for rent. She shares her room with a man who is supposed to be her husband. She gets a lot of her food from her oldest child, my kids's sister. But she is clean, and that is worth a lot. Unfortunately, to my daughter that is like another wound. "Why couldn't she get clean when she had us?, she asks.

Their adoption has always been open in a sense, because they were all old enough at the time to remember being adopted. The older sister has always been in contact with the mother, and a strong proponent of the kids recognizing that she is their mother. Except for my daughter, none of them have wanted to meet her, but nonetheless she has always been a part of our lives. We have always talked openly about their family. (All the kids have different dads and knowledge of them is limited mostly to their names.)

We have always been in contact with their older sister, whom they adore. (She did not want to join our family. She is racially mixed, identified with her African American ancestry, and didn't want to grow up in a white home, though my two youngest boys are 1/2 A A too.) I have always praised, honored, and thanked her, because she largely raised the kids (She is four years older than my oldest son.), at great cost to herself. She did not go to school much and is barely literate. Needless to say, caring for her mother and six other kids, she did not have much of a childhood. She now is married and has four kids of her own. She seems to be a good loving mother.

There are many tales to tell about the suffering my kids have gone through both with, and as a result of having been taken away from their mother. When hubby died six years ago, that was a blow that I am not yet sure we as a family have survived. I hope we will make it. But more than that, I hope THEY will make it. I hope they will learn to love themselves enough to be happy adults, or at least functional adults.

I will continue to read this thread, looking for continued help with understanding my kids needs, and explanations for myself as to the reasons for some of the gaps there appear to be in their ability to function in a familial relationship, or even have close friends. If you allow me, I will post every once in a while. If I can help anyone, please let me know.

Lastly I just want to add that there is a reason I finally decided it was a good thing that the kids were removed from their mothers home. Four years ago, when my oldest son was 17 and in a drug treatment program, he called me, crying, to tell me that he had just revealed at a therapy session that his mother had used him in sex acts with men to earn money for drugs. He had never been able to tell this to us before, he said, because it was so awful to him that he could not even say the words. Four years later this beautiful, hardworking young man is in prison. At 18 he stole a car so he could go buy drugs, drove through four counties fleeing the police, and only stopped when they rammed into the car and drove him off the road. He has attempted suicide twice while in prison, and every time the caller ID shows a number from the area he is locked up, I am afraid they are calling me to tell me he is dead.

I have certainly not been a perfect mother, I have made many mistakes. They certainly have not been perfect either. I hope someday we will all be all be able to forgive each other. Our goal when we adopted to them was to keep them together. That I have done. And I have stood by them, no matter what. I hope their future tales of me will not be as filled with pain as some of the stories you tell.

Blessings to you all. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and heal all your pain.
Smooches,
Keri

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

I was adopted in a closed adoption at 3 days old. Life was always dysfunctional with my family and still is up to this very day. But I would not trade my life with them. I learned alot.
I know my birth mothers name and age and that my biological father was her boyfriend. She was divorced at the time and already had 3 children is as much as I know.
I have my original birth certificate and my name was Joy on it. I was named Lisa Marie.
I was told I was adopted as early as I could comprehend what that meant. I have two brothers one adopted one 9 years younger than me who is their biological son. I feel equally as close to both my brothers.
I am sorry for all of those that had bad experiences with being adopted. My life was not always the best either. I just don't want to go into depth with some of my personal experiences.
There was abuse, there was alcoholism.
But I believe I chose my parents. My experiences both bad and the good made me who I am today and I am happy how I turned out. If I was raised by my biological family there are no gaurantees it would have been any better.
I have no desire to meet my birth family. I feel I was put up for adoption not the other way around. So It is up to her to search for me. I would not be opposed to meeting them but it's not a need of mine if I never do.

Thank you so much for posting!

How cool you got to find out what your first name was, so many of us don't get to I wonder what my name would have been, and when I met my bio half brothers and sister, I called myself her name in my head for a while, wondering if her name was the one I would have had, had I been kept. Silly I know.

I did not search for my birthparents either, they searched for me. It was all very surreal.

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

I hope you will not feel it an intrusion for me to post here. I am an adoptive Mom. Hubby and I adopted four kids who had been our foster kids, a sib group, the youngest four out of seven children we know of.

Their mother was a drug addict, and while not exactly a prostitute, let's just say she usually had some guy or another around to provide money. While in her custody, the kids saw her get beaten multiple times, shot at, and stabbed. She used drugs in front of them and when they were hungry she sent them to the corner store where she had credit established, but when the credit ran out, she knew they would steal to survive.

I'm just giving you this background to say that even though she was a pretty awful mother, I thought for a long time that it would have been easier on the kids to stay with her. It costs the state a great deal of money to "protect" kids who are in foster care. There is the cost of the court, the judge, the attornies, the court building, the therapists, the social workers, the paperwork, etc. etc. Then they pay the foster parents to take care of the kids. I assure you this is not much. For what you call a "generic" kids in MI, you get 50 cents per hour. Generic, now isn't that a great name for a kid?

If some of this money had been used to get help for the mother, maybe she would have been able to keep them. If she had been de-toxed and sent to a program. If she had a parenting coach to work with her in the home, showing her good disciplinary methods, and how to handle her own anger. If she had had a babysitter a few hours a week, or someone to call for help when she was jonesing at 3 o'clock in the morning. If someone had arrested the guys who were beating her up. I don't know if it would have worked, but I feel trying to help the birth parents is usually a better solution than taking the kids away. She is supposedly clean right now, so maybe she could have gotten clean then with help. She is still very low functioning. She lives in a residential hotel and provideds janitorial services in exchange for rent. She shares her room with a man who is supposed to be her husband. She gets a lot of her food from her oldest child, my kids's sister. But she is clean, and that is worth a lot. Unfortunately, to my daughter that is like another wound. "Why couldn't she get clean when she had us?, she asks.

Their adoption has always been open in a sense, because they were all old enough at the time to remember being adopted. The older sister has always been in contact with the mother, and a strong proponent of the kids recognizing that she is their mother. Except for my daughter, none of them have wanted to meet her, but nonetheless she has always been a part of our lives. We have always talked openly about their family. (All the kids have different dads and knowledge of them is limited mostly to their names.)

We have always been in contact with their older sister, whom they adore. (She did not want to join our family. She is racially mixed, identified with her African American ancestry, and didn't want to grow up in a white home, though my two youngest boys are 1/2 A A too.) I have always praised, honored, and thanked her, because she largely raised the kids (She is four years older than my oldest son.), at great cost to herself. She did not go to school much and is barely literate. Needless to say, caring for her mother and six other kids, she did not have much of a childhood. She now is married and has four kids of her own. She seems to be a good loving mother.

There are many tales to tell about the suffering my kids have gone through both with, and as a result of having been taken away from their mother. When hubby died six years ago, that was a blow that I am not yet sure we as a family have survived. I hope we will make it. But more than that, I hope THEY will make it. I hope they will learn to love themselves enough to be happy adults, or at least functional adults.

I will continue to read this thread, looking for continued help with understanding my kids needs, and explanations for myself as to the reasons for some of the gaps there appear to be in their ability to function in a familial relationship, or even have close friends. If you allow me, I will post every once in a while. If I can help anyone, please let me know.

Lastly I just want to add that there is a reason I finally decided it was a good thing that the kids were removed from their mothers home. Four years ago, when my oldest son was 17 and in a drug treatment program, he called me, crying, to tell me that he had just revealed at a therapy session that his mother had used him in sex acts with men to earn money for drugs. He had never been able to tell this to us before, he said, because it was so awful to him that he could not even say the words. Four years later this beautiful, hardworking young man is in prison. At 18 he stole a car so he could go buy drugs, drove through four counties fleeing the police, and only stopped when they rammed into the car and drove him off the road. He has attempted suicide twice while in prison, and every time the caller ID shows a number from the area he is locked up, I am afraid they are calling me to tell me he is dead.

I have certainly not been a perfect mother, I have made many mistakes. They certainly have not been perfect either. I hope someday we will all be all be able to forgive each other. Our goal when we adopted to them was to keep them together. That I have done. And I have stood by them, no matter what. I hope their future tales of me will not be as filled with pain as some of the stories you tell.

Blessings to you all. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and heal all your pain.
Smooches,
Keri

I am glad you posted and so happy that you were able to take these kids and keep most of the bothers and sisters together, as well as encouraging contact with the older sibling! It says so much for you as a person that the kids background does not make you feel threatened!

Knowing where you come from and that you have a blood attachment to your family or origin is so important on a primal level I think.

Poor kids.

I wish the state could do more to help families in distress too, most agencies that could are incredibly overworked.

I just know you are a great Mom.!

[Apocalipstic]

I have been reading on how to heal, and I wonder if any of you have gone to an adption support group?

I wonder if speaking to some birth mothers who gave away their kids would make me heal or make me even more angry.

[bigbutchmistie]

When I was adopted they changed my middle name and my last name. They kept mine and my brother's first names. Our middle names have significant meaning. The foster parents that knew my adopted parents that introduced us. We took their names as middle names. I know what my born name is. When I met my real mom, and she and I developed a close relationship I wanted to change it back. After her death in 2001. I havent even thought about doing it again. Guess that would be something that I could do.

I am truly grateful for the fact that my brother and I were not separated. I dont know how I would have survived the years of abuse without him.

I went to therapy for years to get past my anger at them. Now, I dont feel badly regarding their choice of not having me in their lives.

I still have problems around this time of the year. Due to the fact I have flashbacks of being locked in my room for days and brought out only to clean up after their Christmas with my brother. And so many other abuse during this time of the year. Doctor's have said that is normal.

What a difference years make. I now have a relationship with the foster mom and dad who had to give up a chance of adopting us because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Recently, I finally came out to her. And even though she was religious she still is accepting. Its great to have that out on the table. And to know they accept.

I have often wondered if the reason I dont want kids or wanna be with someone with kids is because of my childhood.

We all have horror stories and while they are horrible and things are hurtful. Its made us the quality individuals we are today. And as someone stated earlier in a post any partner or person now or in the future proud to have us in their lives.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

When I was adopted they changed my middle name and my last name. They kept mine and my brother's first names. Our middle names have significant meaning. The foster parents that knew my adopted parents that introduced us. We took their names as middle names. I know what my born name is. When I met my real mom, and she and I developed a close relationship I wanted to change it back. After her death in 2001. I havent even thought about doing it again. Guess that would be something that I could do.

I am truly grateful for the fact that my brother and I were not separated. I dont know how I would have survived the years of abuse without him.

I went to therapy for years to get past my anger at them. Now, I dont feel badly regarding their choice of not having me in their lives.

I still have problems around this time of the year. Due to the fact I have flashbacks of being locked in my room for days and brought out only to clean up after their Christmas with my brother. And so many other abuse during this time of the year. Doctor's have said that is normal.

What a difference years make. I now have a relationship with the foster mom and dad who had to give up a chance of adopting us because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Recently, I finally came out to her. And even though she was religious she still is accepting. Its great to have that out on the table. And to know they accept.

I have often wondered if the reason I dont want kids or wanna be with someone with kids is because of my childhood.

We all have horror stories and while they are horrible and things are hurtful. Its made us the quality individuals we are today. And as someone stated earlier in a post any partner or person now or in the future proud to have us in their lives.

So glad you got to grow up with your brother and know your name

Chritmas makes me really anxious, lot's of bad memories for me too.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Have you always known you were adopted?

Yes. I was adopted when I was 6 by my step-father. My mom and my bio father were each 18 when I was born. For them they were probably too young to have kids.

Have you met your birth parents?

Yes. I kinda grew up with my mom. when I was 12 she divorced my step-father and left me with him (he was an emotional and psychological abuser). She basically had no interest in me and this was particularly evident when she had my half-sister (hrmm.. can we can abandonment issues?!)

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

I was 6 when it happened so I kinda knew. What I didn't was the truth about my father. My mom had told me he was abusive and my step-father did his darnest to keep him and me apart when I turned 15 and my bio-father sent a letter to my step-father stating he wanted to see me and get to know me.

I didn't know anything and believed what others told me. When I turned 18, curiousity got the better of me and I met him. I was shocked how nice he was and how much we were alike (simple things like pushing up our glasses were done the same manner).

I know I'm kinda lucky in that I knew both parents but in some ways I kinda wish they had given me up to people who really wanted me and wouldn't give up on me.

[christie]

I do know my "first" name... Aimee Marie...I find it funny that when I was a teen and venturing into writing, I used "Aimee" as a pseudonym.

My parents told me that they never knew I was named by my birth mother or they wouldn't have changed it. They were instructed by their attorney to "pick out a name." My dad chose Christie...and spelled it. I've seen the paperwork... and yet, to this day, he spells it Christy. LOL

In as far as a support group, I did attend one in Nashville many many moons ago. It was during the two years that I waited for Post Adoption Services to process my request for search.

Sigh... I wish I could say that I endorsed the whole support group thing. For me (and just for me) I think that its a way for me to avoid dealing with my own shit. I am a fixer by nature and find that I take on other's issues rather than focus on my own. I also have enormous issues with people I classify as "perpetual victims." I find that I have little patience with them. I found myself at this support group meeting, looking at people who had been dealing with their issues for what I consider to be far too long (decades and decades) and biting my lips off to keep from asking them just how long were they gonna be caught up in the woe is me mentality before they moved to the next step in the healing process.

Perhaps I shouldn't be quick to judge, but I know myself and I have a limited amount of energy to expend on others. I have to self monitor closely so that I don't get sucked into others' stuff and neglect my own.

This isn't a judgement on others nor do I want to derail by instigating/offending anyone. I recognize that we are all different, deal with things differently and on our own timeframes. This was merely a response to the support group question and my experience with it. Your mileage may vary.

On a happier note, this time next week, we will be back in Nashville for the holidays. Even as much as I relish the distance between my family and us, I do miss them and think that a three night/two day visit is just about the perfect length of time.

I hope that we all have a lovely holiday season, surrounded by people we love and who love us in return. Sometimes its not about the family you were born into, the family to whom you were adopted, but more about our chosen family. I'm grateful for each of you in my chosen virtual family.

Christie

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I never knew what my real name would have been except my last name would have been Jung, that's about it.

Therapy, been there done that, ugh I don't like therapy, probably because I was being forced into it before I was even ready to divulge any of my feelings.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

I do know my "first" name... Aimee Marie...I find it funny that when I was a teen and venturing into writing, I used "Aimee" as a pseudonym.

My parents told me that they never knew I was named by my birth mother or they wouldn't have changed it. They were instructed by their attorney to "pick out a name." My dad chose Christie...and spelled it. I've seen the paperwork... and yet, to this day, he spells it Christy. LOL

In as far as a support group, I did attend one in Nashville many many moons ago. It was during the two years that I waited for Post Adoption Services to process my request for search.

Sigh... I wish I could say that I endorsed the whole support group thing. For me (and just for me) I think that its a way for me to avoid dealing with my own shit. I am a fixer by nature and find that I take on other's issues rather than focus on my own. I also have enormous issues with people I classify as "perpetual victims." I find that I have little patience with them. I found myself at this support group meeting, looking at people who had been dealing with their issues for what I consider to be far too long (decades and decades) and biting my lips off to keep from asking them just how long were they gonna be caught up in the woe is me mentality before they moved to the next step in the healing process.

Perhaps I shouldn't be quick to judge, but I know myself and I have a limited amount of energy to expend on others. I have to self monitor closely so that I don't get sucked into others' stuff and neglect my own.

This isn't a judgement on others nor do I want to derail by instigating/offending anyone. I recognize that we are all different, deal with things differently and on our own timeframes. This was merely a response to the support group question and my experience with it. Your mileage may vary.

On a happier note, this time next week, we will be back in Nashville for the holidays. Even as much as I relish the distance between my family and us, I do miss them and think that a three night/two day visit is just about the perfect length of time.

I hope that we all have a lovely holiday season, surrounded by people we love and who love us in return. Sometimes its not about the family you were born into, the family to whom you were adopted, but more about our chosen family. I'm grateful for each of you in my chosen virtual family.

Christie

I get what you are saying about the support group. I went to one for PTSD back in the 80's and I remember sitting there wondering how some of the people let things get that bad...that sometimes you do have to pick up and walk into the fire and deal with your every day life, no matter what your fears are. I made some of the other members angry becasue I looked put together and had a job, no matter what was inside my head.

I do wonder if I talked to someone who gave her child away that I am not related to could make me understand how giving away a person seemed like the best plan. Cynthia tells me how things are in a small town, that I don't understand the pressure, that people lose business if their kid has an illegitimate child, that the child is marked for life and fo forth and all that makes me think is how much people SUCK.

I think I do undetstand in a way, growing up in the nest of the Southern Baptist with my parents as missionaries, always on stage....how much pressure there could be. But what makes the difference between a young mother who keeps her kid and one who gives her kid away?

What makes the difference between someone who goes ahead and uses birth control and one who doesn't. Yes, I get that it's easy for me to say that since I sleep with women.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I never knew what my real name would have been except my last name would have been Jung, that's about it.

Therapy, been there done that, ugh I don't like therapy, probably because I was being forced into it before I was even ready to divulge any of my feelings.

My paternal last name would have been Sullivan, and my maternal last name would have been Higgins. No clue about my first name.

For me therapy depends on whether I chose and like the therapist and how they listen to and hear me.

[bigbutchmistie]

Apocalipstic my adopted parents are Fundamental Independent Baptist Preachers LOL I spent summers as a teen with missionaries in Mexico

[christie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I get what you are saying about the support group. I went to one for PTSD back in the 80's and I remember sitting there wondering how some of the people let things get that bad...that sometimes you do have to pick up and walk into the fire and deal with your every day life, no matter what your fears are. I made some of the other members angry becasue I looked put together and had a job, no matter what was inside my head.

I do wonder if I talked to someone who gave her child away that I am not related to could make me understand how giving away a person seemed like the best plan. Cynthia tells me how things are in a small town, that I don't understand the pressure, that people lose business if their kid has an illegitimate child, that the child is marked for life and fo forth and all that makes me think is how much people SUCK.

I think I do undetstand in a way, growing up in the nest of the Southern Baptist with my parents as missionaries, always on stage....how much pressure there could be. But what makes the difference between a young mother who keeps her kid and one who gives her kid away?

What makes the difference between someone who goes ahead and uses birth control and one who doesn't. Yes, I get that it's easy for me to say that since I sleep with women.

Jen -

I totally hear what you are saying in regard to the objectivity of an uninvolved third party with a similar experience. If my birth mother was more open, I would have us all meet for lunch or something; alas, in the 16 years I have known her, we have had ONE conversation about her giving me up. One.

Most of my information has come from my sister. Apparently, it was a decision that was made FOR her as she was 17.

In my resolution process, I always remembered a couple of things that I think are relevant even to your situation.

1970 was a different time (the year I was born). Choices for women in regard to their bodies and decisions were very limited. Even more so in the 60's when you were born. Educational opportunities were very limited. Most women who attended college were majoring in BM degrees - Before Marriage. Abortion wasn't legal until 1973 so access to the backalley abortions was not just expensive, it required a great amount of strength in overcoming the fears.

Birth control options were even more limited. The modern birth control pill wasn't introduced until 1960 and even then, most physicians wouldn't prescribe it unless the woman's husband agreed. If a husband said no, she had no choice. My motherinlaw's physician wanted to perform a hysterectomy for her after my brotherinlaw was born in the late 60's for her health. Jess's father would not give his "permission" and she was left with no choice but to have her health compromised.

Women weren't nearly as empowered as we are today. We have endless opportunities for us, even if its still that we work harder for less money and hope we dont land in a place with a glass ceiling. We have proven that we are independent, intelligent, singularly sensational entities without being in the "protective mantle of males." We have choices.

My maternal grandfather was a deacon in a southern baptist church. He was also a prominent businessman in Memphis. The shame of his daughter being pregnant out of wedlock was just not acceptable. She was sent to live with my great-aunt in Florida. Aunt Mary could not have children and begged and pleaded with B to give me to her. B was so very distraught she called her father every day to please let her come home. He finally relented and brought her back to Memphis and placed her in the Baptist Unwed Mothers Home.

What she endured there must have been unimaginable. To this day, she will drive 30 mins out of the way to even avoid driving down the same street as the Home. She has never spoken of her experience there; but she doesn't have to - its apparent enough to me.

Being forced to give me up certainly qualifies her in my mind as a PTSD candidate. It was so traumatic for her, she literally could not remember my birthdate - she knew it was one of three days.

She hasn't ever really dealt with her own issues surrounding my adoption. She probably never will. My only wish is that she has peace about it and knows that I hold no ill will towards her.

Most of you know that I have a 16 yr old son. When I found myself an "unwed mother" at 22 (that in itself is another thread on "issues" unto itself! LOL) I was faced with my choices... I could abort... I could give the baby up for adoption or I could keep him and make it work. I had options - options I feel that a lot of birth mothers never have. I made the decision I could best live with and never looked back.

Today, Bratboy's favorite game is to see just how quickly he can annoy the hell out of me with, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom," all the while tapping me on the arm... I think he times it.

Would he have been better off with a two parent home of lovely heterosexual parents who didn't have to work 60hr weeks when he was an infant just to keep him in diapers and formula? Maybe. I would like to think that I have given him as good, if not a better life than that imaginary couple could have. I dunno... but I do know that I wouldn't nearly be the person I am today.

I like to think that my birth mother made the decision she could best live with - given that she really didnt have a decision in it, I like to give her that power in my head... and to think that if she had been of my generation, she would have had the empowerment to believe she could have made a life for me.

Just my take on what it might have been like to try and be in their shoes.

Christie

[Dean Thoreau]

My grandaughter and I are the only birth children in the family. My wife, and all of our children are adopted.
I met several of my children's biological parents prior to my adoption of my children. My children were not the secret love children of famous actors and actresses, nor are they the missing heirs of the Kings and Queens. My children's birth parents were like every other birth parent in the entire world. Birth parents that had to make some very difficult choices.
Whether you were placed for adoption at birth or the age of 15; whether you were placed for adoption due to.................... or ..................... Several things ocurred:

1. You the birth child did not do anything wrong.
2. Your birth mother chose to give you life.
3. Your birth parents loved you so much they gave you up with the hope and dream that you would have a loving forever family. Whether they did so by signing a piece of paper, by court removal or by walking away or all of the above they made that choice not out of hate, or selfishness, or because you were to troublesome or because they didnt love you. They made that choice (spoken or unspoken) because they did love you so much that deep down in side they knew they could not properly care for themselves much less a child or another child. This decision is the most difficult decision a person faces in their entire life and it is one that no matter what is done, is second guessed for a lifetime.

Birth parents that you meet in adulthood may or may not ever tell you of the reasons because when the words are spoken 20 years later they sound kind of lame. A birth mother looks at you and says I couldnt take care of myself,,how could i care for an infant? and an adoptive childs inner feelings are not understanding but rather.....wtf....you are here now....obviously you survived...
What is not looked at is.....had the birth mother not have made the choice she did,,,there is a high possibility that neither of you would have survived.

Every person that has been placed for adoption is there for the same reason, your birth parents at that time were not capable of caring for themselves much less for an infant, a child. And they loved you enough that either by their consent or their actions you were placed with the hopes of a better environment for you to be nurtured and loved.