Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[thedivahrrrself]

Thanks so much for this thread. As the GF of a Trans-ID'd, Stone Butch sweetheart, this helps me to understand him more.

He is 49 and medically unable to go on T. He'd like top surgery, but is not satisfied with the bottom surgery options, and feels like without a complete transition, it would be meaningless to him.

One thing I love about him is that he is not offended when people call us "lesbians" (we're queer, but whatever), he doesn't mind that my family and his own will probably call him "her" for the rest of their lives. We switch pronouns depending on who we're speaking to. He doesn't feel like he has to explain his gender to anyone. I am not a straight woman, and I don't ID as bisexual, and he doesn't pressure me to put those labels on myself.

One of the things some of you mentioned were the ladies, thanks for the shout-out. It is not always easy to be a femme, whether you date butches, transmen, or both. I've been called "anti-feminist", "not a real lesbian", and people have no clue what the word Queer really means. At a gay bar, I occasionally get mistaken for a drag queen! But this is nothing compared to his struggle.

Mostly the world sees him as male (until he speaks). He cares very little about what people think of him, so getting called "ma'am" doesn't phase him a bit. What he does struggle with is internal. Some days he doesn't "feel like much of a man". (I can't help but scoff at this - he is SUCH a man! LOL and not always in flattering ways!) At times, he despises his body. I wish there was more I could to to reinforce his internal masculinity and help him be at ease with exactly who he is standing in his own skin...

Until the world realizes that gender is a spectrum, not a dichotomy, there will always be a struggle. I think many are pressured to transition just because they feel male. That is not the answer for everyone, and I'm glad there is a safe space here in the interwebs for those wonderful guys like my beau.

Kisses to all you bravehearts!

[Mr Nice Guy]

I decided years ago to not go through the transition. I'm very scared of needles and knew I couldn't do it. I also met a gay man that changed to a female and he showed me photos of his before and after. I was shocked because I realized that he had to kill the man he was to become the woman she is now. That meant that I would kill the butch that I've been all those years to become the man I wanted to be. The only problem with that was I liked and grew to love being butch and love myself for being just that. Now I'm just a butch who likes to _ _ _ _. I find it very hard to meet a lesbian who accepts this or doesn't try to change me. I'm going to stay true to me and just hope to someday meet someone that sees my heart.

[PumaJ]

Not too long ago, my Boifriend, myself & one of my exes (who is quite the dapper Butch) had a discussion about top surgery. I mostly listened as they talked about wanting to get it done. Neither of them want to transition to male. They are each okay having a basically female bodies, but are uncomfortable having breasts. They do see themselves as 3rd gender, neither female or male, but a combination of both that creates a 3rd.

My Boifriend goes by hy, hys, & hym & does consider hymself as transgender/genderqueer. My ex doesn't use any alternate pronouns & sees herself as Butch, but not trans. My ex is in her late 50s & my Boifriend is in hys late 30s. The differences in their self views may be generational, IDK, we didn't talk about that aspect.

In my view as a Femme, they are equally MOC, the difference being the expression of that quality as Butch or Boi.

Over the years it has become so obvious to me that there are more than two genders, & perhaps more than three. That being said, those that I've known who have transitioned were those who truly felt born into the wrong gendered body. Whether born into female or male bodies, there wasn't any of the I'm part both, so am 3rd gendered. It has been, I'm in the wrong body.

I can only imagine how difficult it can be to feel like one is in the wrong body, but not be able to change it for health or perhaps financial reasons. Finding peace within that dissonance must surely be quite a challenge. I deeply appreciate the sharing many of you are doing as you negotiate your path on the journey.

[rande]

It takes a great deal of courage to live, let alone live as one believes in spite of society's interpretation of the person's physical nature.

I am a Stone Butch/FTM who most likely will never be able to transition. Some of it is due to finances, some of it due to health reasons. My bone condition would react badly to T.

If I can figure out how to get top surgery, I will. In a New York minute!

So I guess I'll always be "Third Gendered," although I see myself as male.
In my relationships, I am honest. I tell my potential partner my true nature, and leave it to them to stay or leave (sometimes after slapping my face).
I never "entrap" anyone....preferring the awkward moments take place conversationally rather than waiting until passion's fire has already been lit.

It's scary, not knowing if you're about to be rejected or accepted. But I guess that's so in all aspects of life.
It's just that when it comes to sexuality, there's a great deal more vulnerability than say, just discussing favorite flavors of ice cream.

Do I consider myself courageous? Dunno. Not my call to make.
But I will say that anybody who is living this Third Gender life has had to grow a pair, metaphorically speaking, in order to get through some of it.

It ain't easy being 'tween.
But it's me.

[Julien]

I thought I would bump this thread.

My situation is this, I consider myself GenderQueer in that I have a female body, will answer to female pronouns because policing the pronoun use is frustrating, but I see myself as male. Because of financial reasons I do not believe I can accomplish the transition. For me that would be top surgery and T. Am I content with this in between state? Not really, but at this moment in my life I see no other alternative other than to put myself out there as who I "see" myself to be, get "mistaken" for male by others and yet be female bodied. I am who I am and that is somewhere in between male and female as someone looking at me might think. When in reality my brain sees the male side far more than my eyes see the female body. I'd like to think that this state is a unique position to be in. Maybe wanting something so much and not being able to achieve that is not a good thing. So we have to make the best of our situation and accept the uniqueness in ourselves.

[Phyl]

[COLOR=
I have always lived as a man My mother and father seen as a small child I was different then my sisters so being open minded people they let me just be so I never felt the need to ever truly transition because they just let me to wear mens clothes and be a boy. my father would talk to me like I was a boy telling me and teaching me how to treat a woman right they were always very proud of how I acted and treated women so transition was never necessary...

[Nadeest]

I am so very glad for you, that you had such good parents, Phyl.

[froggy674u]

Jet I couldn't have said it better myself. I have never felt like a lesbian.I hate when my mother tells people I am one.I perfectly happy wearing my binder,and dont feel the need for top surgery.I do feel the need for T tho so the outside can match the inside,and for my own personal happiness.I have always dressed in mens clothing.I own nothing that resembles anything like a woman.I finally have my parents calling me Kel insted of my full name which is androgynous anyways.I just want to look like my dad.I already act like him which is a good thing.Hes taught me everything I know about life.My parents are happily married now for 50 yrs.Thats all I want from life as well.Is that to much to ask for?

[alexri]

I really appreciate this thread. I have always known I was different. As a child, I used to sneak downstairs after dark, light candles in the garage, make an altar, and pray to god that I be turned into a boy. I would fantasize about sex but the "man" always had no head. Later I realized it was me. Coming out as a lesbian was part of the process but it took me years later to understand I'm really a trans/thirdgender person. I didn't know about this stuff growing up (diehard catholic family) and even now the trans part of my life is still not revealed to all because so many just don't understand it.

My spirit is male. My personality, my attitude, my inner essence, it's all male. I was a tomboy that played with trucks and legos. I was always the dad when we played house. I've been buying and wearing men's clothes for 20 years. It's always been there. I just never had a word for it. And now that I embrace it more, it flows more freely from me. It's always been natural, comfortable, right.

But I am in a female body. I find comfort from the personal believe that transgenderism happens through reincarnation. It's my belief that our gender is part of that inner spirit that also contains our thoughts, personalities, talents, intelligence, etc., and as it travels from life to life, sometimes it changes and becomes more fluid, and sometimes it reinforces or strengthens the maleness/femaleness. And sometimes that dominantly male spirit drops into a female physical body. For some people it's such an uncomfortable experience that they have to change; for others it's bearable.

I don't want to physically transition because I don't want to altar the person I am physically. I don't want to risk what hormones can do to my personal health. I do not want to risk the loss of sexual function by changing or removing organs/breasts. I enjoy when a female partner pleasures my body, even though they are female organs, because I know it feels good. And the picture in my mind of what is happening may be very different from what is really happening (ex in my mind during oral, I may be fantasizing that I am getting a blow job). There are times where I am frustrated that I cannot be as muscular as I'd like to be, and that I have womanly curves, and I will forever be in sports bras, which compress the breasts pretty well. People will say that this makes me not really trans and instead just butch. But when I slap on those jeans and dockers, button down my shirt, run a comb through my short, wet hair, and hold a door open for a lady, I know who I am.

[Nadeest]

Everyone makes their own choices, based on what they feel is right for them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your choice, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

The theory of yours about transgenderism happening through reincarnation is very interesting, and rather plausible. There is no way of proving it right now, but it does seems to explain a lot of things, to my mind.

[Nadeest]

I realize that this column is about FTM's, but let us not forget about the MTF's that are in the same boat. I'm afraid that they generally have a lot less freedom to be their trueselves then FTM's that do not or cannot transition.

[DapperButch]

[QUOTE=Nadeest;616860]I realize that this column is about FTM's, but let us not forget about the MTF's that are in the same boat. I'm afraid that they generally have a lot less freedom to be their trueselves then FTM's that do not or cannot transition. [/QUOTE]

I absolutely agree with you and have thought about this time and time again. I know I am a lucky biological female in that I can pass and that female masculinity is more accepted than male femininity in our society.

[Nadeest]

I've had friends(mtfs) that were in that boat.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

It has taken me almost four months to type the word transgender into the BFP search and find my way here. My very first post in the listening to you thread stated I was hiding even in a community where I did not think I needed to. You know though I felt I do need to hide from the lesbian community. Whether they are butch, femme, dyke, FTM, or any other label on the spectrum of homosexuality. Hell sometimes I still hide from myself out of fear of so many things. Well I made some major decisions today that I have been thinking about for a long time now. So, here I am fulfilling the need and respecting the decision to be truly honest with the BFP community but more so to go back to being honest with myself. I am not a butch on any spectrum have not been for many years now however, I am not a FTM either I have known that for almost as long. I am a transgendered man or as I am discovering the new word is gender queer. I hid here for the same reason I have hid in real life it is real lonely being a trans not fitting into either the butch/femme community or the FTM/MTF community.
I never "came out" of the closet because I was never in one in my mind after all I was not a "lesbian". I was just in the wrong body in my mind so it was perfectly natural for me to be attracted to girls and women when I was a kid. I was always a "tomboy" growing up. I just recalled my 10th Christmas when I received this little wallet that was supposed to go into a play purse and how I just took it and instinctively put it into my back pocket...boy the crap I caught for that lol...but that is just how natural it was for me back then. I hated my birth name it was just wrong. Yet I could not get and still cannot get my bio-family to call me anything but that curse of a name. I am Alix I have always been Alix in my heart, mind, body and soul.
My journey from butch to transgendered was a rough and rocky one. Mainly due to lack of support and information available. Anyway part of that journey included exploring whether I was really a FTM and I finally came to the decision I was not but only because I do not want the surgery. I do not feel I have to change my body to be the man I am. I do not see breast when I look at myself and IF the woman touches me in that area I limit it to the nipple area because hey I know bio men that enjoy that stimulation so I do not find it strange that as a man I do. I have had relationships with women that failed because I refused to be true to myself. However the successful ones I have has happened when I did present as a man. However I have only had that success with bisexual women or women that id as straight but don’t want bio men. I have not had the honor of meeting a woman that id as a femme that wanted to be with me as a gender queer but it could happen. I think that is why I return to the hiding mode so easily. The butch/femme community for me locally is pretty nonexistent never mind the danger of being transgendered here. The sad thing is I do not live in a small rural community either.
Well I am getting close to my number count max and not sure I really said what I wanted to say. So I will end with I am glad I found this thread because sometimes it is hard to be a transgendered man that does not want the surgery. Hi everyone I am a 45 year old transgendered man and it feels good to finally say that on this site.

[Nadeest]

It could certainly happen, Alix. I, for one, would have no problem going out with someone that is transgendered, but has no wish to change their body. I'm more concerned with the quality and type of person that they are,rather then the body that they have.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Nadesst thank you for your encouragement. This world needs more people that think that way no matter what sexuality or gender they are in my opinion. Where it is the quality of the person that matters most. It is also my responsibility to do my best to get back to not caring what others think of me so that I am truer to myself. Don't get me wrong I have been lucky enough to meet a femme on this site that accepted my identity however it was one of those wrong place wrong time situations. Where we both agreed that we had met at the wrong time. Actually she is part of the reason I had the courage finally to come to this section of BFP. So I do know there are femmes out there whether they identify as lesbian or queer that love us and are open to being with us. I just need to move to a different location I think and I am actually taking steps to do that.

I also know that the women that love us go through their own struggles and pain. I thank every one of them for the courage that takes as well.

[Nadeest]

Alix, in some ways, I am in a similar position. I am a transgendered female that has basically transitioned, except for completing the remodeling of my body. I have not yet had SRS, and I may never be able to afford that, though I do plan on having it.

I fear that a lot of people are not willing to accept that about me, in a lover; men, as well as women. I am primarily concerned about the lesbian community, however, as I am primarily attracted to women.

For them, if I don't have a vagina, what use am I to them, sexually? For my part, if they cannot accept me, fully and completely, the way that I am now, why should I want them in my life after I have SRS?

[JustJo]

If I may tiptoe in...

I'm one of those late-blooming femmes that lived as straight until I was about 40. My time in this community is relatively short, and even in the last decade, my life has been more about getting an education, furthering my career and raising my son than it has been about relationships.

I have heard and seen ugliness towards transgendered people, both in and out of this community...and for me it is both disgusting and heartbreaking that anyone would feel so free to harshly judge someone simply because they are different. For me, transphobia is the absolute equivalent of racism...and just as fundamentally wrong.

When I first joined this site, I was confused (and questioned) why someone who identified and lived as male would want to be here. I believe it was Linus who posted something that resonated with me about this community being the equivalent of a home town that you love.....it may no longer be where you live exactly, but it's a part of your history and your heart that you treasure and cling to.

When I first started talking to Snack I was upfront with him that this was new to me...and that I had never been in a relationship with anyone who was trans. He understands this, thankfully, and has been both patient and generous with sharing his experiences, thoughts and feelings.

For me, he is a guy....my guy...and, in some ways, it's almost like a return to "straight" life as he is seen as male by most people. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Whether or not he medically transitions is immaterial to me. That is his very personal decision....and one I will suppport no matter which direction he chooses.

For me, physical anatomy is merely that....and whether someone has a vagina or not is about as important as how tall they are. It just doesn't matter. Who he is....his values, his character, his sense of humor, and how he lives his life....matters infinitely more.

If someone is shallow enough to judge based purely on the physical....I don't have time for them, no matter who they are or how they identify. I choose to live my life with those who have more depth than that.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I guess I have a question and did not know any better place to put but in this thread. Bear with Me please as I may not word it correctly or may ramble or stumble around it. For those that know Me yes even I can be a little gun shy or a loss for the right words sometimes. As I have stated earlier I am TG when I am most honest with Myself that is how I ID in this lovely society of labels. When I sit with Myself and think about what that means to Me it is almost like I am caught between two worlds, Butch and FTM, because I am neither yet closer to FTM due to My masculinity. I have no desire to transition or take T I feel every bit masculine and even a male at times. However I have no desire to date straight women been there done that no thank you my heart can not take it but that is Me. I have finally come to a point that I am ready to date and for the first time am I attempting to be more honest about My ID had no problem on the other site for some reason *shrug*.
I also do not have a lot of butch friends in real life because of being TG but that may be because of My location though I am close to Chicago and Madison so who knows.
I guess My question is since I am single and I do want a community did I make a mistake joining a butch-femme site? Feel free to respond here or send Me a pm if your uncomfortable doing so. Thank you in advance. ALix

[Corkey]

I have lots of Butch friends, right here. Do you really think you made a mistake, or are you just not comfortable on the site? Personally I have friends all over the spectrum, their gender is not why we're friends, who they are as people matter a heck of a lot more.

Color me confused.