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11-09-2009, 01:54 PM
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#21 |
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Boys and girls, this was a story your Auntie Diva wrote when she went to the NYC Dance in April of 2008.....I thought you cousins might enjoy a laugh at your Auntie Diva's expense.....
*********************** Yes, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva once again! Today's story is about Auntie Diva and the Maypole..... Well! Auntie Diva wants to tell You about the Maypole, children! Now one might think that dancing around the Maypole should ONLY happen in May!! Au contraire, boys and girls!! For Auntie Diva ~ being the hooligan that she IS ~ has danced around the Maypole in APRIL!!! Did You know that Auntie Diva danced around the APRILpole? Oh yes she DID! Auntie Diva was at a big, amazing dance this past weekend! Can You say "A fun time was had by ALL", boys and girls? SO! Your Auntie Diva looked and looked and looked....and there! She spotted the perfect pole around which to dance! So, she took off her shoes (a lovely, strappy little black open~toed/open~heeled alligator, 2" heel slide) and crossed the floor to the pole. There, Auntie Diva decided to dance with the pole in such a way that one may very well have thought her name could have been Helga, The Striptease Artist from the 1930's! Oh YES, boys and girls! Dance, dance, dance....see Auntie Diva dance!!! Now, here is the lesson for today, boys and girls ~ always dance around the Aprilpole in shoes which grip the floor ~ unless of course you're dancing on the NOVEMBERpole, in which case the pole resembles a turkey leg and is MUCH easier to hang onto. Plus, you get a snack! (Feel free to use this for future reference!) Your Auntie Diva clearly did not have on her grippy shoes!! The twirling began innocently enough, boys and girls ~ as you know your Auntie Diva IS innocent as the sky on a sunny day! ~ however, things took a downward spiral rather quickly......literally! And, centrifical force and gravity ~ is this redundant? ~ being what it IS ~ and your Auntie Diva being Rubenesque ~ well....shall we just say that she was as graceful as she could possibly have been in this situation when the gravity took over your Auntie Diva's ass! And she just decided to go with it and make it look like she MEANT to spin to the floor.....just like a warped hula hoop! Oh yes!!!! Splat, Auntie Diva, splat!!!! It became apparent that many of the attendees might think your Auntie Diva had been sipping on the Appletini bottle without a straw, but NOOOoooooo!!! Your Auntie Diva had only had 2 small glasses of pinot grigio and was in complete control of her faculties.....however she clearly was NOT in control of her hula hoops! And the 2nd lesson today, boys and girls? Perhaps the Maypole Dance SHOULD be reserved for May after all!!!! Signed, Your Auntie Diva Pole Dance Instructor To The Masses |
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11-09-2009, 02:18 PM
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#22 |
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Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it!
I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait...  What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.  |
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11-09-2009, 02:20 PM
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#23 | |
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I was clearly wearing Eau de Splat, cousin G...... Signed, Auntie Diva....who wishes The Invisifont worked here...... |
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11-09-2009, 08:22 PM
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#24 |
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History Lesson: The Typewriter
Good evening boys and girls.......
Gather 'round!! It's time for Auntie Diva's Story Time!!! Tonight, we're going to talk about the history of the TYPEWRITER, boys and girls! Isn't that EXCITING? First, let me tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva actually took a class CALLED: Typing! Yes!!! It's TRUE!!!! And while your Auntie Diva DID go to a school that had electricity, there were no such things as electric typewriters at Auntie Diva's school. And of course, as we all know, it is beCAUSE there were no electric typewriters, my classmates built up their finger muscles significantly and there were no incidents of the carpal tunnel syndrome in the old days!! It's true! Type, type, type...type Auntie Diva, type!!! But your Auntie Diva digresses..... Did you know, boys and girls, that the very first typewriter was invented by some Englishman by the name of Henry Mill in 1714. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so I'm still not quite sure why it was even listed, but the English felt left out, I believe, so they probably started a war or something so they would be listed first. (In like manner, and subsequently, Henry Ford wasn't really the first to invent the car. That honor went to a farmer in Cleeksburg, Iowa, of Indian heritage by the name of Bobby ToyotamaFeather. Yes. I know you all are surprised that your Auntie Diva knows so much trivial knowledge!) So, the first typewriter that actually WORKED was made by some Italian man by the name of Pellegrino Turri in 1808. That ran along all nicely, I guess, but then the Danish (famous for their pastries and dykes ) became slightly agitated and if they didn't go on and invent their own typewriter that looked like a pin cushion. A pastor invented it in 1870.....I was surprised by that because I have heard that the Danish are not necessarily a religious people. But there was at least ONE pastor, Malling Hansen, who was also responsible for large shopping centers and a distant ancestor of The Hansen Twins. They're not popular either. People started getting testy then and wanted their OWN typewriters. I believe it had something to do with typing with an accent or something and FINALLY, a couple of American men invented one for the United States in 1874. (We're always behind, aren't we?) Sholes and Glidden (most famous for their comfy padded shoe inserts and paint) were responsible for the way the keyboard is that we know today, boys and girls!! It's called the QWERTY (look at your keys, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva won't spoon feed you ALL the time!) Shortly thereafter, there were other typewriters that popped out of the typewriter ribbon womb, such as the Hammond (which evolved in an organ......don't go there cousin June!!!), the Verityper (now THAT'S original, isn't it boys and girls?), the Crandall (which is very pretty....not.), the Blickensderfer (which looks as though the bottom has dropped off of it) and the everpopular Underwood (which also later created little pots of meet. And it is the FAULT of Sholes and Glidden ~ and the MORAL (or IMmoral) of my story, boys and girls ~ that the above typo happened; for if you look closely on your little tiny keyboards at home, you shall see that the "T" key and the "F" key are 'neighbors'. And we've ALL seen Desparate Housewives!!! Nighty~night, boys and girls!! Signed, Your Auntie Diva.....who enjoys being T~Fuckered plum out. True story, boys and girls, true story. |
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11-09-2009, 10:53 PM
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#25 |
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Timed Out
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Good evening, boys and girls...it's time for another story from Auntie Diva!!
One day this past summer, boys and girls, the ICE CREAM TRUCK drove down your Auntie Diva's street!!! Oh it was a very exciting day! And your Auntie Diva is fairly convinced that the driver of the truck was lost, as the street is only one block long....and there are only 2 children who live on Auntie Diva's street. And....since they are both sissies, they don't venture out in this heat. Your Auntie Diva was very impressed that the Ice Cream Truck was playing the Calliope version of Beethoven's "Fur Elise"!!! Culinary delicacies AND culture, boys and girls! Why, it just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? Well....it DOES....but we've moved away from the nastiness..... But I digress...... Your Auntie Diva was so excited to hear the truck, she ran outside! Why, that truck was no truck at ALL! She remembered ~ back in the days of her youth (YES, cousin June, there WAS refrigeration back then!) ~ Auntie Diva's Daddy ~ this would be your Grandpa Daddy ~ would hear the ice cream man from blocks away. He would get his wallet and pull $2 out and walk to the curb. All the children would run, run, run to meet the ice cream man, but he knew on which side his bread was buttered and he drove straight to your Grandpa Daddy!! There....with his $2, Grandpa Daddy bought a whole big box of Fudgesickles and Dreamsickles!! And if I was lucky, I got a push-up....or an orange popsickle. Even as a child, your Auntie Diva got lucky! But today, just as in days past, your Auntie Diva went to the curb ~ similar to being kicked TO it, but no skinned knees ~ (not that bruised, chafed knees are a bad thing, necessarily...but that's another story....in a few years, boys and girls...in a few years!) ~ if only to listen to the Merry-go-round Beethoven....and was ever so disillusioned to see not an ice cream truck at all.....but some sorta hippy van with all kinds of stickers on it with pictures of the ice cream!! Where was my classy tan ice cream truck from days of yore? With a forlorn (read "pathetic") sad face, your Auntie Diva returned to her AC-infused house, Fudgesickle~less..... no push~ups....or orange popsickles.....<sigh> And it was a sad day on S. Pleasant Valley Road..... Signed, Your Auntie Diva, Push-up Goddess for the cousins |
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12-10-2009, 09:22 PM
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#26 | |
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Surprises Aunty Diva and personally hand delivers her a fudgesicle and an orange popsicle and has a big smile on my face
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12-10-2009, 09:25 PM
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#27 | |
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Timed Out
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Thank You, cousin ScorpSicle........ 
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12-11-2009, 07:27 AM
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#28 |
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whoohooo! Story time!! This happens to be my favorite thread!!
*plopping down with a big pillow and blanket* love, CousinShamrock |
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12-11-2009, 08:02 AM
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#29 |
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mawning Auntie Diva...
 i have to say this........ i might not post here much.... but i do enjoy coming here and reading your stories after a long day of driving , and unwinding , it always gives me a smile. thank u. 
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so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it. |
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12-11-2009, 11:47 AM
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#30 | |
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Thank you Auntie Diva...And yep, you're right, it's a whopping 22 degrees here...Scorpsicles for all!!!
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12-11-2009, 12:00 PM
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#31 |
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Aunti Diva,thank u so much for contenueing "story time" hear,it one of my fav places to read after a long day..u r a great story teller.
Rockin |
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12-11-2009, 12:25 PM
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#32 |
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Timed Out
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Well lookie here at all the cousins the cold weather drug in! Hello, cousin Shamrock, cousin Truckstop, cousin ScorpSicle & cousin Rock!
My, my....I shall have to go to the back & dig out my story~tellin' hat, now won't I?? Signed, Auntie Diva |
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12-11-2009, 12:39 PM
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#33 | |
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Hello Auntie Diva
Did you find your story~tellin' hat? |
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12-11-2009, 12:54 PM
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#34 |
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Why haven't I seen this thread here before? OMG I had better reserve reading this thread until I'm at home. Otherwise, people may wonder what I am giggling at.
*hugs* ~cara |
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12-11-2009, 01:32 PM
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#35 |
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Timed Out
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This is not exactly a STORY....but rather a COMMENTARY.... do You know the difference, boys and girls?
 I feel compelled to speak to you all about the total lack of imagination in the designing of our football boys' costumes..... Is there no imagination? Is there no differentiality? Is there no conCERN for individuality? Let's discuss......(what I MEAN by that is, let ME discuss....You sit there and listen.... ) In the NFL, there are ~ and Yes, boys and girls, Your Auntie Diva COUNTED! Your lesson here? Stay in Math! (this would make Your cousin Puplove SO very proud!) ~ 32 teams. Yes! 32!! I know, right? We should be in the Football Costume Design business..... Auntie Diva's House of Football Costumes and Hair Cosmetics.....seems like a good combination.... SO....I digress..... Of those 32 teams, there are 3 teams who share the red and white colors. 2 have Royal Blue & White, 1 has Blue and Red, 4 have Royal or Lt. Blue and Black, 1 team has Royal and Silver, 3 have Orange & Black (BOO!), 3 have Navy & Orange, and so on and so forth..... There is one combination of Aqua and Orange which is truly heinous fuckery if You ask me......(yes, I said 'fuckery'...Do as I SAY, don't do as I DO!) who came up with THAT??? 9 ways of wrong. If I lived in Miami, I would move. How embarrassing! Perhaps they don't really PLAY in Miami..... Then there is the Purple/Gold combination.....that is ALmost acceptable, boys and girls..... Red & gold.....Hunter Green and gold which makes sense as they ARE the GREEN Bay Packers....Packers???? Of WHAT? Let's not ask and say we did, boys and girls!! Maroon and Gold.... So as You can see, this disturbs me......and I would like to suggest to the Football Boys that there be some sorta protest...... I WAS happy to see that the last Super Bowl colors contained LIME GREEN!! Your Auntie Diva ~ that being her 2nd signature color (after purple, of course!) ~ is MOST pleased about that!!! Perfection, of course, would be a purple & lime green costume. Bliss. But why not MORE of the purples.....the limes......the mangos....the heliotropes......in our costuming, football boys? WHY!?!?! WHY!?!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Signed, Your Auntie Diva, Athletic Supporter of all time..... |
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12-11-2009, 04:20 PM
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#36 |
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It's uniforms not costumes! holy
 ...LOL!
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12-11-2009, 06:50 PM
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#37 |
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Aunti Diva,cousin Rock hear.Wow I didnt realise there were so many teams or diffrent colors there of for teams.Sadly I dont know much about football or many sports in general,the only sports I know much about is rodeo,bowling and pool...so I will sit in a quiet place to listen and learn.
Cousin Rock |
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12-11-2009, 08:13 PM
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#38 |
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 Cousin Fishstix in the house!
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~ GRATEFUL SOUL~ 
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12-11-2009, 09:20 PM
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#39 |
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Timed Out
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Cousin FISHSTIX?!?!?!?!!? What the.....????
 And lookie here, who's here to give HIS commentary.....it's Uncle Alpha!  Costumes. |
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12-11-2009, 09:37 PM
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#40 | |
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Anywho, they are going back to a lovely blue with lime green stripe on their jersey shirts but....or shall I say BUTT, they have decided to KEEP the pants from the previous uniformed costumes since the material...and this comes from their head coach, so you KNOW it's legit..."feels better on their legs". I love it! The Seattle Seahawks are definitely in touch with their feelings. 
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I'm misunderestimated. 
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