PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

So my therapist keeps coming up with projects to calm my mind.

While I was in NYC I was supposed to draw my feeeeelings, then write a haiku.



My feeeelings ended up being black sharpies markings and my haikus about death.

Glad to be home.

Embarrassed to have to go and report at therapy tomorrow.

[AtLast]

Big hug to all..... sometimes I read your posts and cry. Sometimes I read your posts and I am so happy for your good days and doing betterexperiences, I smile, a BIG smile! Sometimes, I just want to sprinkle all gone dust all around each and every person that posts here... (when WILL this be available OTC?)

Guess, I have to settle for a virtual group hug!

[Apocalipstic]

I love the All Gone Powder idea!

Grin!

[JustBeingMe]

This past week has been sleepless for me, my inner clock is outta whack again, high anxiety too, even though I am taking Trazadone and Ambien to help me sleep, I think my anxiety is running so high that they over take the meds to help me rest. UGH
This month is already going to be a horrible month for me for personal reasons. I don't know how much more I can bare with the stress of things and not go into a full blown episode of Bells Palsy (sp?). It often feels like the weight of the ENTIRE world is upon my shoulders baring down hard and fast like ton of bricks falling from a 50 story building. I wish I could take out a can of whip *ss and spray my stress and anxiety away. LOL Impossible, yeah, but atleast I can make myself laugh ONCE in a while. I think the laughter is the only sanity I feel I have left some days. I hope the rest of you are doing much better than I am.

Hey Tuff, how are you therapy sessions going? Are they helping you any?

[tuffboi29]

I'm having one of those moments tonight. My "safe place" seems to be broken at the present moment.

Therapy keeps getting better...Then worse...Then back to better again depending on the subject discussed.

I'm kind of struggling with my "safe place" as I can't seem to call upon it EVERY time *I* want it/need it, although it does help 3/4 of the time.

Since I'm about to get on a (gulps) plane, my therapist has decided to work exsorcises until I return so as not to open a before I go and am too far away.

I do have some great info (a bit expensive but worth the investment) though about a program sugested for me for the panic attacks. (Not trying to plug anything here it's just *my* opinion, because it soothes *me*.) www.stresscenter.com . The lady who started this Lucinda Bassett *sp (I believe her name is) started it and was once a sufferer of horrible panic attacks.
*shrugs* I like it anyways.

I keep going through moments of high and low. One moment REALLY good and up there and "OH BOY!" then dropping back down low. The lack of moral and emotional support is a big factor. I'm kind of cut off from my "support group" for a few days.

I don't know...I think my main problem right now is my ex is in town and stirring up messed up feelings that I don't want to go back to. She wants to get back together.
I'm obviously NOT interested. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt yanno?

Sorry to go on rambling. Thanks everyone. We all need to know that we're not the only ones here like this. And sorry about all the smilies...I needed a smile and theres that button over there.>>>

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Jet

You know, there is a lot of anger in me. Anger that things happened, anger over everything i lost, anger that my life took a caustic and unexpected turn. I've broken glasses, lamps, kick in doors, walls and everything else that I'm ashamed of.

But here's the good news. I no longer blame God. Instead, I'm finally getting a grasp that it was/is awful, that I'm his child and that he cares very much that this "thing" happened. I carried trauma as though it belonged to me, and for so long that it became a gauge for normalcy. Can you imagine that when life is so bad for so long you adjust to the point that you think it's normal? That's when life and well being is truly lost or at least in jeopardy. That's when you become unrecognizable to yourself. Never let this happen, whatever you do, grab a hold of your identity, dignity, talents, your life and your worth. I let mine go. Never make that mistake because you'll risk never making it back.

addendum


I'm still pissed. There is a lot of anger in me. Something happened this week that was costly to me. And i'm tired of this. Right when I thought I had things in check, it came rearing back.

[Jet]

The time has come to face to face, head on, with demons in my life. It had to come to this moment when I think all is lost, and I stand in a desolate place— God and me— right and wrong — good and evil— past and present and I know not the outcome other than the fact that no matter what, I have the greatest ally in all of creation. Trust me, I have fought Him on everything . But today is my hour to facing hell on the horizon and I can barley hold up knowing what awaits. I hope that whoever reads this—the struggling, the fearlful, the defeated—you must know that no matter how torturous, the outcome will be in God's hands. And even though the odds seem impossible, any thing is possible with the help of a higher power. This is about winning when everthing is against you....

This post is my song today and for all who an relate.

[Jet]

Thanks for your reps and comments everyone. I need to say this: I am Catholic and I have always believed overcoming difficulties and facing terrible odds could be done with God's help. But I am no saint or good guy by any stretch of the imagination. I scream at God because of the pain, and for things happening to me the way they did. I've told Him I hated Him. And you know what? He forgives it and we move on. But I'm mad, damn mad that I have to go through this again step by step, moment by moment. I fucking don't want to be here, its that simple. And there's nothing I can do about that because I am a Catholic.

Nowt we're reaching into the core of injuries where there is anger and bitterness and hatred for life because of the pain. At the core are the memories of what happened and a wound that needs to be cleansed. And none of this will be accomplished without facing the bitter details, the toxic shame, the villifying and subjugation that I endured one terrible night. It's all in my face now — memories that are thorough and, unfortunately, surfacing against my will.

This is a process.

I don't know if any of you will have to face or deal with your trauma in this manner. But the bottom line is getting to and dealing with severe injuries no matter how indignant or frightening or demoralizing. I have been afflicted physically, neurologically, mentally and I have lost my life as it once was. I'm pissed. And the entire purpose of this post is tell you that it's okay to be pissed and run the gamut of emotions because its part of being human and severely injured.

Do you honestly think God expects us to accept and move through our terrors and bagage with the pomp and peagantry of the guardsman at Buckingham Palace? Wow. Than I must be a child of a lesser god.

Life is getting worse as the core of this "thing" surfaces. I may not handle it,
but I am here wish you all the best in your journey.

[Apocalipstic]

I am having a difficult time facing things becasue I feel so dumb and weak. Stupid in fact for even having had these things happen, and not being over it.

When I was a kid, no matter what happened I was told to "buck up", or "chin up little soldier", even when my mother died....so I feel so incredibly stupid not being over stuff.

I have a therapist appt I need to leave for in 15 minutes and I feel sick at my stomach about it. Stupid stupid stupid even talking about this stuff.

[Apocalipstic]

panicccccc

[Apocalipstic]

I am finaly calmed down a bit. When I am really freaked out sounds come in waves and my ears burn. Weird huh?

Apparently therapist thinks I am way more sane than I do. She also thinks I need to do stand up comedy?

[tuffboi29]

Bout to board a plane...AGAIN...AND AWAKE...

O
M
GAY


....40 mins and counting...

gods help me...

[Apocalipstic]

I hope the flight and trip go great!

My therapy is really intense now and other problems I have like Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis which they say can be very related to childhood trauma are acting up.

I know I will feel better some day, but I am kind of shot this afternoon...wondering if soemhow the pain will go away when I sort this all out in my head.

Maybe we need a chronic pain thread? UGH.

[tuffboi29]

Flying? Well all I can come up with as I think back on it is this:


The trip was AWESOME btw...I got to go see My Jennie in Washington.

I'm going back to therapy again on Wensday (thank the Goddess) and I can't wait. I really dig my therapist.

Then again...I really dig most hippies.


I don't think I will be getting back on a plane again any time soon though.

[Apocalipstic]

What freaks me out about flying are the airports and how people act when they are upset. I have to really focus to not give into my PTSD when loud people are all around in a closed in area and get all belligerent.

I do better in the airports that have the illusion of space, where at least the celings are high the entire time. I feel so trapped in airports like O'Hare or immigration at Dulles etc. I need to stay sharp so I don't take antianxiety meds, but am always right on the edge of losing it. Eapecially if I have people in my personal space.

[JustBeingMe]

yep, I have finally come to terms and the realization that I have NEW trauma, and that I am going to have to go back to see a therapist to deal with this new crap.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by JustBeingMe

yep, I have finally come to terms and the realization that I have NEW trauma, and that I am going to have to go back to see a therapist to deal with this new crap.

I am so sorry you have new trauma, but happy you see it and are making plans to feel better!

I have been in therapy again since last Winter and it finally seems to be helping.

Best to you in your journey!

[JustBeingMe]

Anxiety is running amock. I can't sleep well. Seems like nothing I try works. Not even the medication for my anxiety and sleep issues. Feels like my body is full of it and about to explode. Feels weird.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by JustBeingMe

Anxiety is running amock. I can't sleep well. Seems like nothing I try works. Not even the medication for my anxiety and sleep issues. Feels like my body is full of it and about to explode. Feels weird.

So sorry. I know exactly how that feels.

I could not sleep either, am an pretty bleary eyed this morning.

I hope your day calms the anxiety!

[JustBeingMe]

Thank you for your support. I do appreciate it a great deal. And it means a lot to me. I am now dealing with new stress, my mom is not getting enough oxygen to her heart, she failed her stress test last week. Doctor called and wants to do an Angiogram on her heart and all that stuff, looking for another blood clot in her arteries. I take her for the procedure on Sept. 8th. I am just hoping there is nothing wrong with her that requires immediate surgery. I lost my stepdad just this Jan 13th. I don't want to lose my mom. It's scary for her and me. I am full of anxiety about it too. I have a personal matter that has to be dealt with Sept. at a later date, I just hope whatever has to be done for my mom is done Before then, so I am there for her. I can't change my date for my personal matter.