Prince Charming? Pfft!

[Apocalipstic]

Who I was and what I wanted at 25 and who I am and what I want/need now at 46 are two opposite things.

Kick back, let life happen and enjoy then ride.

My biggest advice is make really great friends along the way, and don't burn your bridges. Some of my very best friends now are exes.

[weatherboi]

"pedestal couple" this is a first i have ever heard of this term....i mean i guess i am asking...do we label relationships now too??? what is the criteria to become a "pedestal couple"?? just curious

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Hey there Fuzzy...

Well, it looks like you have already gotten some really great advice and words of wisdom from your community here.

Like you, in my mind, I lived the picture perfect vision of a relationship... for 7 years. Was it a fairytale romance... many would say yes. We were often referred to as a "pedestal couple". But guess what, life throws you curveballs when you least expect it. In any relationship, you either grow together or you grow apart. If I were to sit and dwell on the end of my marriage (as many people expected me to do), I would have never truly found myself. As humans, we have a tendancy to romanticize the past. So, if we stay stuck in the mindset from a past relationship, we will never be able to move on.

I also believe that you don't have just one soul mate... you have different soul mates for different times in your life. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I understand you having a "blueprint" in your mind about the character traits of any potential partner you might have. That's never a bad idea... but you must keep updating that "blueprint". As humans, we are all hopefully growing & evolving, so some things that you want at 25 might not seem as important at 37.

As for having children... that is a big decision to make and should never be taken lightly. Just remember, just because you have children with someone, doesn't mean that the relationship is gonna last forever. Just like marriage isn't the end all to be all... yeah, I've been there, done that and sold the ring.

Best of luck to you.

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

"pedestal couple" this is a first i have ever heard of this term....i mean i guess i am asking...do we label relationships now too??? what is the criteria to become a "pedestal couple"?? just curious

"Pedestal couple" was something that some of our local friends called us. I guess, in their minds, we were one of the couples that people just always assumed would always be together forever. We did the whole wedding thing, baby thing and never had a single fight in the entire 7 years. But like everyone else, they seemed to forget that we were also human.

NO, relationships are not meant to be labeled.

[weatherboi]

Thanks for the clarification!!! Ya know my mind wonders what extra kind of pressure that added to your relationship and if you were aware of it at the time or not till after? *totally get if you don't want to answer* For me it would add extra pressure!!!!!

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

"Pedestal couple" was something that some of our local friends called us. I guess, in their minds, we were one of the couples that people just always assumed would always be together forever. We did the whole wedding thing, baby thing and never had a single fight in the entire 7 years. But like everyone else, they seemed to forget that we were also human.

NO, relationships are not meant to be labeled.

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

Thanks for the clarification!!! Ya know my mind wonders what extra kind of pressure that added to your relationship and if you were aware of it at the time or not till after? *totally get if you don't want to answer* For me it would add extra pressure!!!!!

Not a problem my friend...

I think that many long term couples feel the added pressure. When hearing about a breakup, many of us are guilty of saying "OMG, we thought y'all would be together forever".

[cinderella]

I made my 67th birthday this past December. I've been gay & femme since I was 19. Have I had alot of relationships? Uh, yep. Have they all 'worked'? Nope. Some were very short-term, others a tad longer. My last ltr was about 8 years ago. We were together for 12 years, but should have thrown in the towel after the 3rd year - we stayed together for all the wrong reasons.

I have been single since then, with the rare date, or cyberspace 'romance' every once in a great while. I've only been truly in love once, when I was 28. It was a chaotic and stormy affair - we had little in common except we were both Latin, tempermental, stubborn, and had the 'my way or the highway' mentality. It was a lustful relationship, and I think sex was just about the only thing we had in common, or the only times we were not fighting. And yet, in spite of the fireworks, or because of them, she was the love of my life - and still is.

I have spent a lifetime trying to replicate those emotions - the passion, desire, and yes, the lust. Never happened again, and at this stage of my life, it's unlikely it will happen again.

What's the moral of the story?...stop looking for what's 'perfect for you' - it prob doesn't exist. That said, however, you are very young. And at the risk of sounding 'cliche-ish' and old-fashioned, you have your whole life ahead of you, and most likely that prince in shinning armor is still at large, but will find you. Work on you now. Become your highest potential, reach your goals and dreams. I'll bet anything that while you're concentrating on you, Mr. Right will be getting closer and closer. The rascal will pop his head into your life when you least expect it, and catch you completely by surprise.

The one important advise I do have, is don't become bitter and disallusioned like some people (me)...I wish you the very best in life - you will find what you are looking for - it may just take awhile, but don't settle just because you're lonely, whatever you do. It's such a waste of precious time. Trust me, I know this from experience.

Originally Posted by Casanova

Sometimes we all go thru this and sometimes we don't.
But however their is no such thing as a prince charming or fairy tales....
There is something known as a person that loves u unconditionally and that is a rare one...
It takes alot of time...
And it takes alot of tryn but u have to be willing to unconditionally love yourself also...
That is what most ppl can't do

[Bit]

Originally Posted by fuzzypinkego

I guess I'm a bit old fashioned but I really want to be married before I have a child. I want to be the semi-stay-at-home-mom. My mom raised me at home and I want to do the same for my children.

As far as the personalities go, I;m an ENFP, The Idealist Champion, rare and only found in 2-3% of the population.

I would say that if you find another ENFP--or an INFP--who also wants children and wants to be the breadwinner, then go for it.... but I will also say that if you get romantically interested in anyone right now, it will pay you to do the personality survey with them. If you are like most NFP people, you may be strongly drawn to NTJ people... and there lies heartbreak beyond measure unless you can both come to communicate easily. It is true that opposites attract. It is NOT true that opposites speak the same language.

Originally Posted by Allison W

Hrm. According to the dating-and-mating guides, I have a problem. I'm attracted to physical power/protectiveness and courage (characteristic of Artisans), decisive judgment (apparently Artisans are not Js), a lack of strong displays of emotion (characteristic of Rationals), reliable authoritarianism in the relationship (potentially characteristic of Guardians and conspicuously not of Artisans or Rationals), and an appreciation of defined, divided roles (Guardians again).

Perhaps I need a Guardian (masculine manifestation) with an Artisan (masculine manifestation) multiclass.

I confess, Allison, I don't pay attention to the names of the personality types. I can't remember them easily. *sheepish smile* For me, I have a simple rule--if you are an FP person, look for another FP person; if you are a TJ person, look for another TJ person. The differences between E/I and S/N are not as great as the differences betwen FP and TJ.

In a nutshell, TJs tend to be linear, logical, dayplanner, on-time-is-late type people and FPs tend to be flexible, spontaneous, change-my-mind-in-midstream, deadlines-were-made-to-broken type people. The two have to really work hard at understanding each other--and at not driving each other up the wall.

Btw, from what you described about your preferences, I would think you are looking for someone whose personality type is INTJ.

[Dude]

Which I would have listened way back in 1984.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3KrL7BQBpc"]YouTube- 80's Dance Music | Ride The White Horse | Laid Back[/ame]

[weatherboi]

I am generally speaking not specifically about one persons experince. Ohhhh and thinking of my own past experience. *i just realized i have been misspelling experience for a long time*

I have never had anybody say that to me after a breakup. I am not sure how that would make me feel. My first relationship was 7 years. My point to keep coming back is something in my mind tells me this form of thinking could be part of a social cycle that should be recognized and broken. Emotionally "keeping up with the joneses", so to speak, with prince charmings, rings, marriages, and babies. I am just thinking and typing.

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Not a problem my friend...

I think that many long term couples feel the added pressure. When hearing about a breakup, many of us are guilty of saying "OMG, we thought y'all would be together forever".

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

I am generally speaking not specifically about one persons experince. Ohhhh and thinking of my own past experience. *i just realized i have been misspelling experience for a long time*

I have never had anybody say that to me after a breakup. I am not sure how that would make me feel. My first relationship was 7 years. My point to keep coming back is something in my mind tells me this form of thinking could be part of a social cycle that should be recognized and broken. Emotionally "keeping up with the joneses", so to speak, with prince charmings, rings, marriages, and babies. I am just thinking and typing.

You are totally right... and that's why some people still play into the fantasy of the fairytale, and feel as though only prince charming or pretty princess will do. Truth be told, no one person is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect and the social pressure we put on relationships needs to be recognized.

No couple is invisible... I don't care who you are or how long you've been together. We are human, with faults & flaws. It's all about how well you work together without forgetting how strong you are in your own individualities.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

You are totally right... and that's why some people still play into the fantasy of the fairytale, and feel as though only prince charming or pretty princess will do. Truth be told, no one person is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect and the social pressure we put on relationships needs to be recognized.

No couple is invisible... I don't care who you are or how long you've been together. We are human, with faults & flaws. It's all about how well you work together without forgetting how strong you are in your own individualities.

You are so very, very right.

[Corkey]

Yep it's a nice fairy tale. Thing is life happens while one plans for the future. Butches aren't Princes, and they sure aren't frogs, and to associate Butches as such is just offensive to me. Not all Butches are going to be compatible with you, so you date....a lot, have fun stay safe, and go about living your life authentically. In time you will grow, mature and find that the fantasy is just that, a fantasy. I know most girls are taught that growing up the marriage, baby, white picket fence fairy tale, and you too can have this.....life doesn't work like that, not anymore. In the 40's and 50's perhaps, but not any more. Get your life the way you want it, experience the world, have fun, date and try to relax, the Butch is out there, but s/he won't show up till you have your ducks lined up and are just fine with being you, with or without a partner.
I wish you well and have fun.

[Lusciousblondefemme]

Prince Charming, Kissing a Frog, Knight on a White horse...

Those are all fictional characters that society has given to people to make them believe that anything is possible.

Love is like a river .. sometimes in flows slow and trickles over the rocks and its soothing at other times it runs fast and damages everything in its path..
but in the end the river is still the river and does not go anywhere but down the same path it always takes.. It has a direction in life that is determined for the rest of eternity.

Guess what life is not like that though .. Love yes can be that river have you have an idea of how you want that love to go .. and what path you want that love to take .. but unfortunately Everybody has their own love path ....
So it makes it hard to find that perfect person to share that love with...

My grandmother always told me never hunt for love ... let love hunt for you .. If you are worthy of being loved it will find you at your lowest point or highest point. Just do not be too selfish, let it into your heart and show you all the wonderful things that there are in store for you.

When i want to be with someone I do not look for a specific type of person .. I just have a few ground rules and those being honesty, integrity, unconditional love for me and my children and trust and respect.
Other than that you can like fishing and I may like 4wheeling .. its the differences between two people that allow us to grow into more well rounded people. If you only like people who are interested in the same things you are then how do you know if you might like fishing ..

Prince Charming and The knight on a white horse can stay in fairytale land for me ..I want someone who is real who has their own thoughts and ideals and who is willing to work as hard at the relationship as i am.

Love will find you when you least expect it, you might be walking down the street and someone bumps into you, or maybe you walk past that person everyday and your time to meet them just isnt right now.

Live life as if there will be no tomorrow
Love as if you have never loved before and
Dance as if no one is watching ...

I have had one true love in my life and I let her walk away from me. No questions asked no runnign after her.. I just watched as she walked away .. My theory was that if she didnt know how much she meant to me than Nothing I could say or do would ever change that .. If by chance we are meant to be together then life will direct us both back to each other .. But that does not stop me from living everyday to the fullest.

I feel blessed to have had a chance to love someone with not only my heart but my soul.

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by Allison W

Hrm. According to the dating-and-mating guides, I have a problem. I'm attracted to physical power/protectiveness and courage (characteristic of Artisans), decisive judgment (apparently Artisans are not Js), a lack of strong displays of emotion (characteristic of Rationals), reliable authoritarianism in the relationship (potentially characteristic of Guardians and conspicuously not of Artisans or Rationals), and an appreciation of defined, divided roles (Guardians again).

Perhaps I need a Guardian (masculine manifestation) with an Artisan (masculine manifestation) multiclass.

How about simply going on a date and seeing if things "click".

Just a suggestion ....

[Hack]

I just gotta say, I think this thread is a thing of beauty. A young woman put a thought out there that she is pondering and people responded in a thoughtful, positive, supportive, non-condescending way. How refreshing. Truly.


Jake...who loves it when people share their life experiences and wisdom in an open, honest way.

[FeminineAllure]

I would like to share a few quotes here to think on but first I must say...
If you have a mental list of what you can not live with out...They must be smart for example, very attractive, want to have children soon etc... etc... etc...Make sure you have the same things to offer a potential partner. Become what you are looking for in someone else.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins quotes

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with”
Gillian Anderson quotes

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

[Princess4u]

OK OK I know my screen name may indicate otherwise..and yes I want to find my prince....but not as in the fairytale...I want my own storybook ending....I think we all want similar things from life and from our partner....and I want to emphasize....PARTNER....because that is what it is all about...sharing, compromise...coming together and forming a life where you feel you are loved and safe from the big bad world....my prince should he ever find me...LOL...should respect me as much as I do him...we work together and not have expectations of what the other should do....do I think all femmes should cook and clean...hell no...do I think all butches or transppl should do the yardwork and take out the trashs....hell no...I think it should be done by both...and I dont mean merrily skipping down the driveway holding hands carrying the trashbag...I mean when it needs to be done...do it...sometimes we get so wrapped up in gender identity..that ppl can sometimes feel lost and not be the PERSON they are....I feel I would be blessed to find my "prince" as much as he would feel blessed to find his "princess in me"...because together we can overcome most anything...i dont know if this makes any sense...perhpas too many breathing treatments going to my head right now LOL>..I love this thread thank you for making it...

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Lusciousblondefemme

Prince Charming, Kissing a Frog, Knight on a White horse...

Those are all fictional characters that society has given to people to make them believe that anything is possible.

Love is like a river .. sometimes in flows slow and trickles over the rocks and its soothing at other times it runs fast and damages everything in its path..
but in the end the river is still the river and does not go anywhere but down the same path it always takes.. It has a direction in life that is determined for the rest of eternity.

Guess what life is not like that though .. Love yes can be that river have you have an idea of how you want that love to go .. and what path you want that love to take .. but unfortunately Everybody has their own love path ....
So it makes it hard to find that perfect person to share that love with...

My grandmother always told me never hunt for love ... let love hunt for you .. If you are worthy of being loved it will find you at your lowest point or highest point. Just do not be too selfish, let it into your heart and show you all the wonderful things that there are in store for you.

When i want to be with someone I do not look for a specific type of person .. I just have a few ground rules and those being honesty, integrity, unconditional love for me and my children and trust and respect.
Other than that you can like fishing and I may like 4wheeling .. its the differences between two people that allow us to grow into more well rounded people. If you only like people who are interested in the same things you are then how do you know if you might like fishing ..

Prince Charming and The knight on a white horse can stay in fairytale land for me ..I want someone who is real who has their own thoughts and ideals and who is willing to work as hard at the relationship as i am.

Love will find you when you least expect it, you might be walking down the street and someone bumps into you, or maybe you walk past that person everyday and your time to meet them just isnt right now.

Live life as if there will be no tomorrow
Love as if you have never loved before and
Dance as if no one is watching ...

I have had one true love in my life and I let her walk away from me. No questions asked no runnign after her.. I just watched as she walked away .. My theory was that if she didnt know how much she meant to me than Nothing I could say or do would ever change that .. If by chance we are meant to be together then life will direct us both back to each other .. But that does not stop me from living everyday to the fullest.

I feel blessed to have had a chance to love someone with not only my heart but my soul.

AMAZING POST

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

I would like to share a few quotes here to think on but first I must say...
If you have a mental list of what you can not live with out...They must be smart for example, very attractive, want to have children soon etc... etc... etc...Make sure you have the same things to offer a potential partner. Become what you are looking for in someone else.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Robbins quotes

“Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with”
Gillian Anderson quotes

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
Leo F. Buscaglia

how very true....its funny how some ppl femme and butch alike..expect a certain package deal...but they dont have what they expect from someone else...I like that BE what you are looking for.....friendship is important...they already love you for YOU...faults and all....

[Allison W]

Originally Posted by NJFemmie

How about simply going on a date and seeing if things "click".

Just a suggestion ....

Even though I consistently get typed as a feeler (which, I suppose, should say something about how much these personality metrics actually matter), I know enough to understand that my short-term impulses rarely have anything to do with what will make me happy in the long run, and I don't want to get into junk relationships just because I'm lonely and can't control my emotions.

Originally Posted by Bit

I would say that if you find another ENFP--or an INFP--who also wants children and wants to be the breadwinner, then go for it.... but I will also say that if you get romantically interested in anyone right now, it will pay you to do the personality survey with them. If you are like most NFP people, you may be strongly drawn to NTJ people... and there lies heartbreak beyond measure unless you can both come to communicate easily. It is true that opposites attract. It is NOT true that opposites speak the same language.

For all the things it does get right, the personality survey is also seriously flawed, and is based on notions of what action = what motive and "this trait, therefore that trait" associations that don't necessarily hold true. In my case, I've occasionally been placed as a J because I like orderliness and structure, but the problem is that I don't like them because I like to be decisive (which is the assumption); I like them because they free me from having to make decisions.

Originally Posted by Bit

I confess, Allison, I don't pay attention to the names of the personality types. I can't remember them easily. *sheepish smile* For me, I have a simple rule--if you are an FP person, look for another FP person; if you are a TJ person, look for another TJ person. The differences between E/I and S/N are not as great as the differences betwen FP and TJ.

In a nutshell, TJs tend to be linear, logical, dayplanner, on-time-is-late type people and FPs tend to be flexible, spontaneous, change-my-mind-in-midstream, deadlines-were-made-to-broken type people. The two have to really work hard at understanding each other--and at not driving each other up the wall.

Btw, from what you described about your preferences, I would think you are looking for someone whose personality type is INTJ.

Guardian = SJ, Artisan = SP, Idealist = NF (my type, though I go against the grain in many places), Rational = NT. While I'm an INFP, you're right that I like Js; both of the serious relationships I had I ended because my partner wouldn't make decisions and left them to me, resulting in my deciding to walk. I, however, would say I'd lean not towards NTJs but STJs (if with the physical focus of the SP), which would put them in the Guardian category (necessarily masculine manifestation, given the way Guardians allegedly vary the most in behaviour depending upon gender role compared to the other types), not the Rational category. I don't want someone who's no better at controlling their emotions or making decisions than I am. That is the subject of my worst nightmares.