Jokes and things that made you laugh. - Page 11

WolfyOne · 05-31-2012, 11:33 AM

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

Janstevie · 06-01-2012, 11:34 AM

"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'"

Janstevie · 06-18-2012, 05:22 AM

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.

Janstevie · 06-19-2012, 11:42 AM

Whenever i feel like exercise i lie down until the feeling passes

Janstevie · 06-21-2012, 01:20 AM

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Janstevie · 06-24-2012, 11:04 AM

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Janstevie · 07-02-2012, 03:09 PM

A REAL man is a woman's best friend, he will never let her down.
He will comfort her after a bad day at work. He will inspire her to
do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotion's. He will enable her to be confident,
sexy, seductive, invincible, err....no wait, Sorry, i am thinking of
WINE..it's wine that does all that stuff.
Sorry Never mind.....

Janstevie · 07-08-2012, 05:30 AM

ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

TimilDeeps · 07-08-2012, 11:31 AM

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

Janstevie · 07-09-2012, 06:09 AM

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"computer completely stuffed now."

Janstevie · 08-10-2012, 03:06 PM

A repair shop:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Tony · 08-10-2012, 04:09 PM

A wife treats hubby to a lap dance club for his birthday. At the club the doorman says "Hi Jim. How you doing?" The wife asks how he knows him. "Oh honey, we play softball together."
Bartender says "The usual, Jim?". Hubby says "Now before you say anything, he's on my dart league."
A lap dancer says "You crave the special again Jim?"
The wife storms out dragging Jim behind her and jumps into a taxi. Driver says "Hey Jimmy boy, you picked up an ugly one this time."

Jim's funeral is Sunday.

Tony · 08-10-2012, 04:13 PM

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

Janstevie · 08-17-2012, 06:20 AM

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and£200 for a female brain..."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Tony · 08-17-2012, 09:32 AM

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

snowbunny · 08-17-2012, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

Ohhh Yuck!!

Tony · 08-17-2012, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowbunny

Ohhh Yuck!!

Lol. Yea, not quite what I had in mind.

Tony · 08-19-2012, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

Hey Tony --

We discussed these in the moderator forum and we feel like a lot of your "Humor" is very negatively slanted towards women. Please be more careful and thoughtful about what you post.

Thanks,
June (Moderator)

Sorry, I just saw this. I can assure you there was no malice. But I will be more careful & sensitive. Although, I'll probably have to reach deep for the sensitive part. Lol. But reach I will.

TimilDeeps · 08-21-2012, 11:18 AM

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

TimilDeeps · 08-21-2012, 11:20 AM

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

05-31-2012, 11:33 AM	#201
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,408 Times in 4,139 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.' __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

06-24-2012, 11:04 AM	#206
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard Last edited by Janstevie; 06-24-2012 at 11:18 AM.

08-10-2012, 04:09 PM	#212
Tony Member How Do You Identify?: All Man (FTM if I must have a label) Preferred Pronoun?: Male ones Relationship Status: She's my Southern Comfort Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Midwest Posts: 412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 569 Thanked 1,241 Times in 326 Posts Rep Power: 18460389	A wife treats hubby to a lap dance club for his birthday. At the club the doorman says "Hi Jim. How you doing?" The wife asks how he knows him. "Oh honey, we play softball together." Bartender says "The usual, Jim?". Hubby says "Now before you say anything, he's on my dart league." A lap dancer says "You crave the special again Jim?" The wife storms out dragging Jim behind her and jumps into a taxi. Driver says "Hey Jimmy boy, you picked up an ugly one this time." Jim's funeral is Sunday. __________________ Words are what we hear; they allow the heart to believe what it wants to believe. But actions, actions show us the real truth of what we need to believe.

08-10-2012, 04:13 PM	#213
Tony Member How Do You Identify?: All Man (FTM if I must have a label) Preferred Pronoun?: Male ones Relationship Status: She's my Southern Comfort Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Midwest Posts: 412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 569 Thanked 1,241 Times in 326 Posts Rep Power: 18460389	An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband "Just think honey, we've been married 50 years." "Yes", he replies, "50 years ago we were sitting at this table having breakfast and we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well", she snickers, "should we get naked for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know", the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised", replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal." __________________ Words are what we hear; they allow the heart to believe what it wants to believe. But actions, actions show us the real truth of what we need to believe.

08-17-2012, 09:32 AM	#215
Tony Member How Do You Identify?: All Man (FTM if I must have a label) Preferred Pronoun?: Male ones Relationship Status: She's my Southern Comfort Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Midwest Posts: 412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 569 Thanked 1,241 Times in 326 Posts Rep Power: 18460389	I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' .......... __________________ Words are what we hear; they allow the heart to believe what it wants to believe. But actions, actions show us the real truth of what we need to believe.

06-01-2012, 11:34 AM	#202
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'"

06-18-2012, 05:22 AM	#203
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.

06-19-2012, 11:42 AM	#204
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Whenever i feel like exercise i lie down until the feeling passes

06-21-2012, 01:20 AM	#205
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

07-02-2012, 03:09 PM	#207
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	A REAL man is a woman's best friend, he will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day at work. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotion's. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, invincible, err....no wait, Sorry, i am thinking of WINE..it's wine that does all that stuff. Sorry Never mind.....

07-08-2012, 05:30 AM	#208
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

07-08-2012, 11:31 AM	#209
TimilDeeps Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer fucker Preferred Pronoun?: Mine Relationship Status: I'm dating myself. It's really working out. I think I'm the one!!! Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: To your right and a bit South. Posts: 1,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 108 Thanked 1,471 Times in 445 Posts Rep Power: 19646656	I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright

07-09-2012, 06:09 AM	#210
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back: "computer completely stuffed now."

08-10-2012, 03:06 PM	#211
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

08-17-2012, 06:20 AM	#214
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,334 Times in 415 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and£200 for a female brain..." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

08-21-2012, 11:18 AM	#219
TimilDeeps Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer fucker Preferred Pronoun?: Mine Relationship Status: I'm dating myself. It's really working out. I think I'm the one!!! Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: To your right and a bit South. Posts: 1,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 108 Thanked 1,471 Times in 445 Posts Rep Power: 19646656	I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

08-21-2012, 11:20 AM	#220
TimilDeeps Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer fucker Preferred Pronoun?: Mine Relationship Status: I'm dating myself. It's really working out. I think I'm the one!!! Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: To your right and a bit South. Posts: 1,522 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 108 Thanked 1,471 Times in 445 Posts Rep Power: 19646656	I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)