Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[always2late]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

This is a form of abuse. I know where the abuser to have power over their victim. It can ruin a persons reputation, their livelihood and cause a boat load of problems for them.

Its hard when ur the victim and the abuser keeps threatening to cause problems for you by reporting falsley to the police or to other ppl that you they are the victim when in fact they are the abuser.

They is also the fact where the abuser will set out to ruin the other person for leaving them, standing up for themselves.

I have had everything but my clothing stolen and I believe if they had the chance they would have done something to them also. I have lost to abusers my freedom also. What i have lost to them of worldly possessions doesnt equal what I have lost in me.

I can replace in time what worldly possessions I have lost if i choose to but what I have lost of ME I dont know if I will get back. IM working on it and in time I will see and until then I refuse to allow anyone to have that power over me

Im stepping off my soap box now

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

This resonates with me so deeply that it is a bit of a shock. Although I finally recognized the abusive aspects of my past relationship, seeing it in print is still startling. As I posted, the emotional component of abuse can often be overlooked or more readily forgiven. This was true in my case. When I finally got up the courage to break it off, I still didn't recognize the constant harassment, threats of self-harm, hacking into my email accounts, etc...as abuse. Call me naive. What I mostly felt was sadness, and no small measure of guilt (that guilt that abusers count on...the one that takes the form of "Oh no, look what I did to make them behave this way"). It took one action for me to finally see what was happening, and that was when my custody of my son was threatened (i.e. I'm going to go to your ex-husband and tell him A, B, and C about you so you lose your son). THAT was my wakeup call...and when I realized that I had nothing to reproach myself for in leaving the relationship. That was when I realized that the relationship was not, and had never been about, love.

[gotoseagrl]

Originally Posted by always2late

This resonates with me so deeply that it is a bit of a shock. Although I finally recognized the abusive aspects of my past relationship, seeing it in print is still startling. As I posted, the emotional component of abuse can often be overlooked or more readily forgiven. This was true in my case. When I finally got up the courage to break it off, I still didn't recognize the constant harassment, threats of self-harm, hacking into my email accounts, etc...as abuse. Call me naive. What I mostly felt was sadness, and no small measure of guilt (that guilt that abusers count on...the one that takes the form of "Oh no, look what I did to make them behave this way"). It took one action for me to finally see what was happening, and that was when my custody of my son was threatened (i.e. I'm going to go to your ex-husband and tell him A, B, and C about you so you lose your son). THAT was my wakeup call...and when I realized that I had nothing to reproach myself for in leaving the relationship. That was when I realized that the relationship was not, and had never been about, love.

Seems like it's when you literally come to the end of your rope ... when there are no more fantasies to cling to, when you've tried the last thing you can try, had given every possibility a chance. When you've seen nothing humanly possible works, even with time. When you've already been running on empty, have no idea how you made it so far, and still being drained for your last drop. When there's no other direction for you to go but out ... because you've finally realized that threat to your livelihood & survival. That's rock bottom. You might have a lot of recovering to do, but what a relief when you come up over that hill.

And thank you all for the wonderful comments, and for this important thread.

[CherylNYC]

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[TruTexan]

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I have to say another warning sign might be asking for money. Now, mind you, if you're in a committed relationship and you're together for a while, sharing finances and supporting each other is typical. However, if you're only just met someone or have only interacted with them online and they start talking about major hardships where they need money, something is amiss. Nobody (except perhaps those with social learning disabilities) would ask what would basically be a virtual stranger for financial help. It just crosses a line.

[TruTexan]

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

People who are kind, loving, and trusting are rare in this world. Honestly, we are not the problem. We need more of that in this world. It's the people who see our goodness and exploit it for their own gain who are the ones who really have the problem. I think that the key is to find a balance of maintaining your good heart and protecting yourself from those who would wish to take advantage of you. I'm learning that now. It's a process. You're not alone.

[TruTexan]

I wonder, are there any other forms of abuse that we haven't talked about?

[Words]

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by Words

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

Words, thank you for mentioning this in your post. This is a form of abuse I forgot about and that's not been mentioned here before. Sometimes this type person with those issues uses it as an excuse to blame the victim instead of owning up to their own issues and seeking help for themselves. It's just another form of abuse In my own opinion. I know of a couple people that it's happened to. I felt bad for them because it was a nightmare to endure, the emotional and mental anguish they went through was horrible and they finally ended their relationships. I'm glad they did.Thanks for your input, keep coming back.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I have to say that I really admire all the survivors here who are living, loving and functioning after leaving abusive long term, committed relationships. I know what it took for me to come back from my long term emotionally abusive relationship many years ago. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today if my next partner had not made it her business to heal and support me. Sharon was everything that my former partner could never be, and she was the single healthy romantic relationship I've had in my life. By the time she died four years later, I knew what it meant to be well loved.

Fast forward to my recent dating experience with an emotional abuser. It's flipping HARD to recover from this! It's been months since I told her to never contact me again, yet I'm still randomly furious, and I'm still replaying those damaging events in my head and thinking about what I could have/should have done/said differently. She managed to undermine me in some pretty fundamental ways in the short time we dated, and I'm still telling her to go f**k herself in my head. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for me if I had stayed longer.

Brava/bravo to all of you who have come back strong from this sort of thing. It's really, REALLY hard.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972"]Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You: Susan Forward, Donna Frazier: 9780060928971: Amazon.com: Books[/ame]

This book really helped me after my brief relationship with the narcissist. It was given to me my her ex. After we broke I had people very quietly come up to me and tell me "my ex saw her just before you..." And tell me stories as well as other femmes in my community come up and have a very quiet word.

I need to re read it from my last person. I was having an affair with her, something I thought I'd never ever do again after 10 years previously learning my lesson about being the other woman. But I was in such a place of emotional wreckage and frightened and she was my only good friend, I was completely alone in that city, trying to find a way out. Tbh I don't think I would have done anything differently because I was so unstable and alone.

She wasn't a monster. She had incredibly good qualities along with the abusive traits. That's why I don't like calling People abusers unless they are like that narcissist I was seeing. Rather they have abuseive behaviours. I don't like reducing people to roles. It makes me feel icky.

But some of her behaviours I feel the same as you... I am still fantasizing and getting angry about. It's finally starting to fade and I'm finally occasionally starting to hope that now that she's getting married and moving, to a place more stable and to a woman who is kind and doesn't drink, perhaps she'll get back on the wagon and her behaviour will change. And I wish her well.

But I do still get angry with how she treated *me* and I get so angry that I actually became so desirous of her praise that I did horrible things for her to try to show people she wasn't a bad person. That she was just misunderstood. That she was just hurting from being treated so poorly (she was but it wasn't one sided - and she always owned up to treated her ex wife poorly).

The girl she was seeing used to call me and cry and talk to me, as I was "just an ex" and I'd listen and you know I used to feel relief that it wasn't just me, that she treated other people just as insanely, and that I wasn't imagining things or nuts (because past partners made me feel that way about their abuseive behaviour)

I have a beauty and the beast problem. I know this.
It's why I don't trust myself.
And why I do not trust words. At all. I've been called names like ice queen cause I have no use for romantic words now.
Show me. Show me how you feel with how you behave and how you help me with my life, I have no use for romantic flower talk. None. If someone wants to express how much they care about me, then observe my life and see how you can offer to enriched it through your actions. Words are cheap ( and I'm a writer, I should know lol)

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Words

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

Thank you for bringing this up. I also believe that there's a flip side to this. If your partner is aware that you have a type of mental or developmental disability and they continue to use that against you, it's a type of abuse. I've waited until now to bring this up because I didn't want to derail the discussion but I have Asperger's syndrome.

I'm self-diagnosed but from years of research and talking with people who have it, I more than qualify. When I first told my partner this, I explained the literal way that I think and that I need a great deal of clarification in order to understand any social wrong-doing or misunderstanding. Without it, "the obvious" goes right over my head. With other people I had dated, I didn't know this about myself and relationships failed before they even began.

With my last ex, I understood what to explain and what I needed and thought this would be very helpful. After all, once you explain to someone that you absolutely cannot help not understanding something, they couldn't possibly continue to get angry with you for not getting it without speaking to them in a way they understand, right? I mean, it would be like getting angry with someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk.

Well, instead of this information being helpful, my ex used it to further confuse me. She would try to "educate" me on a appropriate social behavior and since I had no foundation for this in the context of a romantic partnership, she was able to use me as a puppet.

I said and did things and acted in ways I was instructed were appropriate and then realized later I was only being manipulated. I would act the way she said she wanted me to act and would make her feel loved in the relationship and then be treated like I was completely insane when I did what I was told was expected of me.

A lot of this also had to do with cultural expectations as she was from the South and I from the North. It was quite easy for the combination of my Asperger's and the fact I lived in a completely different environment to be an easy way to manipulate, control, confuse, and punish me.

For most neurotypical (non-autistic people) this is not a concern even in emotionally-abusive relationships. After all, NT people have a firm social foundation and can usually tell when they're being asked to behave in a way that doesn't make sense for them. Not so us Aspies. We are like like hollow social sponges. Mimicking and following the examples of others in our environment is the only way we can survive socially. It's the way we learn.

I think people with Asperger's and other forms of social developmental issues may be at a great deal of increased risk for being targeted by someone with abusive tendencies. We are always looking for direction even if we aren't aware of it.

Like honeybarbara, I don't trust myself. This is why I need and want those I truly know love and care about me to get to know potential partners from now on. Most of my friends and family behave in a healthy, normal ways and I need to compare and contrast and "run them by" NT people so I'm certain that what I'm feeling (I partner by emotional vibration alone) doesn't ever put me in danger again. I also have clear-cut set rules for romantic encounters now so I don't even up ever again following my heart off of a cliff.

When you don't know you have a blind spot and a massive one, I do believe it takes legions of angels to protect you (if you believe in such things) until you are able to clearly see and understand what some people are capable of.

[Kobi]

I have been going over the statistics Snow posted on the previous page on domestic violence in lesbian relationships. And I have been looking for supporting data trying to sort out the numbers.

If I take that fact sheet at face value, up to 90% of us could be considered abusers or having engaged in behavior that can be seen as abusive. Does that make sense? Seriously, that isn't even logical.

Hart (1986) defines lesbian domestic violence as “That pattern of violent and coercive behaviours whereby a lesbian seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of her intimate partner or to punish the intimate for resisting the perpetrator's control over her”.

It's a power thing. It's a pattern. It's a control issue. It is deliberate and malicious and pathological. When there is a power differential, there is the potential for abuse.

Being a staunch feminist, I am very aware of and attuned to womens issues. As a social worker, I have seen some nasty abuse stuff all across the spectrum of gender and behavior. I have also seen things that have turned out not to be what they initially appeared.

Some of it is my age and some my occupation, but with the exception of physical abuse, I am reluctant to use the words "abusive" to describe a relationship or behavior, and "abuser" to describe a person. Here's why:

1. People come into relationships with their respective baggage and issues. If your baggage and issues are complimentary, things might be smoother sailing. If your baggage and issues are not, things are likely to be conflictual and even volatile.

2. Relationships can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, functional or dysfunctional. What appears to be totally bizarre to me, works for some people. What works for me might look totally bizarre to someone else.

3. Some couples are just a bad fit for one another. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole makes for a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and accusations. Bad couples do not equate to bad people.

4. People change over time. If the relationship changes with them, it's a good thing. If it doesn't, problems are bound to arise.

5. People use certain words for a reason, with or without recognition that the words carry a certain impact. As TruTexan has experienced, once labeled an abuser, you are guilty until you prove yourself innocent. By then, the damage has already been done to your reputation, finances, livelihood, self esteem etc.

6. Relationships are very complex and not easy to sort out. They can be unhealthy, dysfunctional, problematic, but not necessarily abusive. People do weird shit to one another all the time because they are angry, jealous, hurt, cant get their way etc.

I take abuse and domestic violence very seriously. There are certain criteria that make for an abusive relationship. When we play with the definition, we tend to water down a very serious issue into something else.

That is just not cool.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Kobi, I believe that most of the female bodied people have experienced one form of abuse or another, be it from a family member, lover, friend, partner, husband, wife, uncles. There are some forms of abuse that a lot of us do not discuss or that are not reported.

When I discuss abuse I am not speaking of the everyday misbehaviors between people, and even then some of those ickie behaviours that continue and become repetative such as what you numbered then it is abuse and it becomes a vicious cycle over over and over and over.

[Medusa]

I think Kobi makes a salient point about being careful with definitions.

I'd also like to say that there is a wide gap between a person who is an "abuser" and a person who is displaying abusive behavior.

[Words]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Thank you for bringing this up. I also believe that there's a flip side to this. If your partner is aware that you have a type of mental or developmental disability and they continue to use that against you, it's a type of abuse.

Absolutely, and thank you for pointing it out. (I'm bi polar so I totally relate to what you're saying.)

Words

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I think Kobi makes a salient point about being careful with definitions.

I'd also like to say that there is a wide gap between a person who is an "abuser" and a person who is displaying abusive behavior.

That's why I think the I book that I posted is actually incredibly useful. If anyone wishes to read the introduction, it's quite helpful to see things described as behaviour, rather than an identity. And to also understand that much emotionally abusive behaviour, is done from a place of complete anxiety in a person.

I have been emotionally abusive without understanding what I was doing. I have hurt people. When I grasped on to how dysfunctional I was behaving, I felt fucking awful. But also unable to stop because of the dysfunctional dynamic between me and her. I went to therapy immediately. I tried to get her to go. She refused and said therapy was pointless.

And drank more.

Often two people display emotionally abusive behaviour in a relationship, not just one.

I am no angle. I am no victim. I don't feel like one with those that I have been with. When I was younger and very naive, ok. But not after all the stuff I know and experienced. That wasn't all someone else.

I am not talking about anyone else but me, let me be clear.

I have done shitty, SHITTY things because I wanted to please someone and get their praise. I went against my own ethics. And I can't say " Oh she manipulated me into them because I was in such a bad place" yeah, I was in a bad place. Yeah, she was manipulative. But I did them. I'm completely 100% responsible for what I did. I also knew better. I was working from a point of emotional weakness and fear. And my old needs to please and get praise. It's these flaws in myself that if I don't keep in check and monitor and rein in, just as much as someone else's alcoholism, it hurts others. But thing is I get to claim I was used. When knowing full well I was indulging in self destructive behaviour.

This is why i am saying I have been with quite a few people with abusive behaviour, but only three abusers - the people who were abusers were systematic, self-aware (ish. They were very good at subconsciously compartmentalizing their morals so could feel very wounded about being called a liar and feel genuine hurt and dismay while ignoring they were actually lying), and continual with little remorse.

That book shows how to deal with behaviours. And one can take stock of ones own responsibilities and also decide if it's abusive behaviour and thus is it something you want to salvage or not; or this an abuser.

The intro is free to read and very informative.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Kobi, I believe that most of the female bodied people have experienced one form of abuse or another, be it from a family member, lover, friend, partner, husband, wife, uncles. There are some forms of abuse that a lot of us do not discuss or that are not reported.

When I discuss abuse I am not speaking of the everyday misbehaviors between people, and even then some of those ickie behaviours that continue and become repetative such as what you numbered then it is abuse and it becomes a vicious cycle over over and over and over.

Snow, I agree that most females have experienced abuse by the traditional definition of the concept at the hands of other people at some point in their lives.

What I was referring to was this:


About 17-45% of lesbians report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner (1,5,6,13). Types of physical abuse named by more than 10% of participants in one study included:

Disrupting other’s eating or sleeping habits

Pushing or shoving, driving recklessly to punish, and slapping, kicking, hitting, or biting (11).

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).


These are stats for lesbian-lesbian relationships. Not for women in general. At least one incident of psychological abuse in a relationship by 24-90% of lesbians? Sexual abuse 50% of the time?

This is when I feel like I am living in a parallel universe.

[Martina]

Yeah, I haven't posted because I haven't been with anybody who was a serial abuser.

I have been very lucky in my closest relationships. I was in a D/s relationship -- non-sexual -- years ago with someone I barely knew. I was physically assaulted, deprived of sleep and worked seven days a week. It goes on. I stayed for a few weeks after the assault because I did not want to fail. Strangely that experience left few scars. I think because it wasn't intimate emotionally or sexually. The person's therapist called me after I left -- I don't even know how she got my number -- and told me she was going to contact me to tell me to get out, but that I left before she could. She validated my experience, and that helped me let it go.

I had a friend type situation that involved threats of violence. This scared me more and left me with more anger. I think that was because we had been friends, although looking back on it, I see she wasn't really capable of that. Her own needs -- of various types -- were driving her so hard that everyone was just an object to her. Everything was about whether someone or some interaction could make her feel better for a second or not. Even angry ones, and she had a lot of those. I don't know. But I don't think of her as an abuser although narcissistic fits -- at least at that point in her life. She was mentally ill. Probably in the process of falling apart. I don't know. But she did me some genuine damage. Scared me. It took me two years to get past that in one way or another.

I have also done some shitty things to people. People who deserved understanding but I gave them judgement. I wish I had done better.

[TruTexan]

I have to admit that I"m very guilty of lashing out from anger and hurt at the same time and it hasn't been pretty, it's been painful for those to hear me tell them things that I didn't mean.I just wanted them to hurt in return as much as I was hurting and feeling angry with them. I have felt terribly bad afterwards about doing it, but I'm working on it everyday to stop it. I'm getting better at not doing it because I've gone to some therapy will continue to go; and communicating how I feel instead of outbursts when I've had enough, and with more therapy I should be able to control it better and not say things out of anger and hurt. I think there are a lot of people that get so overwhelmed when they are tired of being lied to, tired of drama, tired of abuse, and everything that goes with all of that, that they say things they don't actually mean, and it comes from a place of flat out anger and deep hurt, and the other parties find it abusive when they react they way they have. Sometimes you just lose it but it still doesn't make it right when you say things out of hurt and anger that you don't mean to. I try not to hold things like that against anyone and try to figure out if that is what it is all about so I ask them. I learned that in therapy too. I'm trying hard to learn to deal with my mom because she does that and I've learned to step away from it and tell myself, that's not my mom, that's anger and hurt talking and there's nothing I can do to fix her when she's like that, and just get in my truck and go home to my own quiet little apt where my serenity is. Mom won't go for help so I have to learn to cope with dealing with her when she's like that. I'm my mom's caretaker, so it's something I have to do to still be able to help her when she needs me. It doesn't make it right and I don't put up with it anymore, but instead of losing it on her out of anger and deep hurt myself, I just tell her I have to go home now. It works best that way. And I do get that phone call with mom crying and telling me she's sorry and I know deep down inside she is and it's not fake, it's very real, she's just a torn woman inside that knows nothing but abuse in her life and she won't seek help. I love her and she's the only mom I have so I just try to keep the peace. She's getting better at communicating with me instead of yelling and screaming at me when she's feeling overwhelmed, stressed, angry and hurt, she's begun to talk to me more about how she feels since I've learned to not engage her when she's acting like that. I think my telling her I won't tolerate it anymore has really sunk in and she's taken it to heart because things have changed between us for the better.