Bad Bar Lines and "Bodice Rippers"

[msW8ing]

In my younger days before age so cruelly stole my hard body lol..while walking through a bar wearing black stockings with a seam..thigh high black leather boots..mini skirt and peasant blouse..." Hey baby, is that a seam in your stocking or the stairway to heaven" I'll remember that lame line til I die lol

[Guy]

Do you work at Subway cause you just turned my 6 inch into a foot long


You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche

Im pretty corny so i like corny stuff. I don't think I ever used a line to pick up a girl, although I have used them joking around.

[Dominique]

I was never really into the bar scene. I hated cigarette smoke that bad!

I did like the clubs (well, here it was one, after hours club for the dancing) and on Sunday afternoon they had Tea parties. The music was always so loud you had to scream into any one's ear to talk, and the side ways head tilt meant *Do you want to dance* And then the restroom......too much going on in there, I trained my bladder. I always left with who I came with.

Now a small part of me feels like I missed out on something. All that cheese!

[Dominique]

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

Can I pull/light the fuse on your tampon
!

The things people say!!! Apparently this disgusting statement appealed to my sense of humor as I burst out laughing......good thing the music was so loud maybe.

[*Anya*]

14.”He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love.”

13.”The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea.”

12.”Scarlet’s hair was as red as my persistent canker sore.”

11.”Nicole let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around James and deftly cut some cheese.”

10.”Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love.”

9.”Sam liked to hump.”

8.”Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist.”

7.”It was a dark and horny night…”

6.”Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne’s heaving, lily-white bosom. ‘Call 911, Scooby,’ she breathed.”

5.”His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion.”

4.”‘Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?’ Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat.”

3.”Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in sexual congress were heard.”

2.”He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact — and lots of it.”

1.”Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew.”

[SoNotHer]

A/G it's hard to know what my favorite line from those masterpieces is, but this may be the winner:

”Nicole let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around James and deftly cut some cheese.”"

Although the pork one is certainly a close second and "man dew" made me laugh out loud!

[SoNotHer]

"The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career."

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

A/G it's hard to know what my favorite line from those masterpieces is, but this may be the winner:

”Nicole let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around James and deftly cut some cheese.”"

Although the pork one is certainly a close second and "man dew" made me laugh out loud!

Cracks me up! Thank you, I was beginning to worry that I was the only one that thought these were hysterical!

I love the Dark and stormy night contest each year and there is also a bad Faulkner contest too! Guess it is my off-beat sense of humor combined with reading everything I can get my hands on!

Keep em' coming!

[SoNotHer]

Oh yes, bad Faulkner! You're not the only one, A/G. This stuff makes me laugh spontaneously ;-)


"Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as the seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven--fueled by a single accelerant--and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo."

[Ebon]

Originally Posted by claybaby

Way back in early...ahemmmm...70's..when I first came out...I read some book...thought it would educate me...so I would be so suave when I met a lady. So...anyway, I read the book (don't remember name) and geared up for my first foray into the world of lesbians and bars. Well I seated myself at the bar...got a beverage, and was perusing the ladies all around me. I spotted one that caught my eye...proceeded to do the "recommended gestures" and such..she just kept looking at me, smiling every so often..and I am like "what the heck" am I doing something wrong? I sat and contemplated what to do or not do...when she came over and sat down beside me. I introduced myself, ordered her a beverage. I smoked then, so when I took a cigarette out and went to light it, SHE picked up my lighter, and I held the said ciggie to my mouth..and waited..waited..and I looked at her..she stared at me..and said Hold your hand like this..I did..and she used her index finger to scratch inside my cupped hand..I am like..WTH? Finally after, I think ten eons or so..she said darling, I want to go home and fuck with you...don't you know when a lady scratches the inside of your palm like that, what she wants? I by now, was fifteen shades of crimson and am sure steam was coming out of my young and naive ears....I was so dumbstruck...and BTW...my "gesture" I read about and held as gospel? Tug your left earlobe and smile with a wink at the lady you want...I still laugh so hard at myself..to this day...talk about naivete'...lol PS I have never, ever used a "pickup" line for a lady. It is my Southern culture...and I just do not like them, and will NOT use them...it is just who I am...my killer blue eyes work just fine..and my dimpled smile...<wink>

THAT'S WHAT THAT HAND SCRATCH THING MEANS???!!!!!!! FUCK!!!

[*Anya*]

Winner: Purple Prose

The mongrel dog began to lick her cheek voraciously with his sopping wet tongue, so wide and flat and soft, a miniature pink fleshy cape soaked through and oozing with liquid salivary gratitude; after all, she had rescued him from the clutches of Bernard, the curmudgeonly one-eyed dogcatcher, whose own tongue -- she remembered vividly the tongues of all her lovers -- was coarse and lethargic, like a slug in a sandpaper trenchcoat.
Christopher Wey
Pittsburgh, PA

Runner-Up

"Hmm . . ." thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."

Runner-Up

The complementary crepuscularities of earth and sky shrank away from one another as the roseate effulgence of a new dawn burst forth, not unlike a reclining pneumatic beauty's black silk stocking splitting apart at the seam to reveal the glowing radiance of an angrily sun-burned leg.
Graham Thomas
St Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K.

Dishonorable Mention

The pancake batter looked almost perfect, like the morning sun shining on the cream-colored bare shoulder of a gorgeous young blonde driving 30 miles over the speed limit down a rural Nebraska highway with the rental car's sunroof open, except it had a few lumps.
Jim Thomas
Gilbert, AZ

Winner: Romance

Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.
Jeanne Villa
Novato, CA

Runner-Up

Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater - love touches you, and marks you forever.
Beth Fand Incollingo
Haddon Heights, N.J.

Dishonorable Mentions

He was a dark and stormy knight, and this excited Gwendolyn, but admittedly not as much as last night when he was Antonio Banderas in drag, or the night before that when he was a French Legionnaire who blindfolded her and fed her pommes frites from his kepi.
Leslie Muir, Atlanta, GA

Carmen's romance with Broderick had thus far been like a train ride, not the kind that slowly leaves the station, builds momentum, and then races across the countryside at breathtaking speed, but rather the one that spends all day moving freight cars around at the local steel mill.
Bruce Portzer, Seattle, WA

[SoNotHer]

Clearly where I stop laughing! Oh my, my, this are outrageously funny....

Originally Posted by Anya/Georgia

Winner: Purple Prose

The mongrel dog began to lick her cheek voraciously with his sopping wet tongue, so wide and flat and soft, a miniature pink fleshy cape soaked through and oozing with liquid salivary gratitude; after all, she had rescued him from the clutches of Bernard, the curmudgeonly one-eyed dogcatcher, whose own tongue -- she remembered vividly the tongues of all her lovers -- was coarse and lethargic, like a slug in a sandpaper trenchcoat.
Christopher Wey
Pittsburgh, PA

Runner-Up

"Hmm . . ." thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."

Runner-Up

The complementary crepuscularities of earth and sky shrank away from one another as the roseate effulgence of a new dawn burst forth, not unlike a reclining pneumatic beauty's black silk stocking splitting apart at the seam to reveal the glowing radiance of an angrily sun-burned leg.
Graham Thomas
St Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K.

Dishonorable Mention

The pancake batter looked almost perfect, like the morning sun shining on the cream-colored bare shoulder of a gorgeous young blonde driving 30 miles over the speed limit down a rural Nebraska highway with the rental car's sunroof open, except it had a few lumps.
Jim Thomas
Gilbert, AZ

Winner: Romance

Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.
Jeanne Villa
Novato, CA

Runner-Up

Like a mechanic who forgets to wipe his hands on a shop rag and then goes home, hugs his wife, and gets a grease stain on her favorite sweater - love touches you, and marks you forever.
Beth Fand Incollingo
Haddon Heights, N.J.

Dishonorable Mentions

He was a dark and stormy knight, and this excited Gwendolyn, but admittedly not as much as last night when he was Antonio Banderas in drag, or the night before that when he was a French Legionnaire who blindfolded her and fed her pommes frites from his kepi.
Leslie Muir, Atlanta, GA

Carmen's romance with Broderick had thus far been like a train ride, not the kind that slowly leaves the station, builds momentum, and then races across the countryside at breathtaking speed, but rather the one that spends all day moving freight cars around at the local steel mill.
Bruce Portzer, Seattle, WA

[SoNotHer]

"As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental soufflé, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, 'I don't know what to make of her.'"

[*Anya*]

Peter Applebome's "Bad Hemingway"

In the late summer of that year we lived in a condo in North Dallas that looked across the tollway to the discos and honky-tonks of the Rue St. Bubba. We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant.
"The Great Landry says the Cowboys will be back,'' said the girl.
"Then it must be so," I said, though I knew it was a lie.
"When football season comes, then it will be cold. Like Switzerland. But not now. The cold will come later.
"Pass the Doritos,'' I said, and her eyes shone like the stars
over Amarillo.
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. And the pain was washed away, but the image of the woman stayed with me like a blessing and like a curse. We went that summer to many clubs. We went to the Longhorn
Ballroom and the Palm and to a honky-tonk in Fort Worth that was what Harry's Bar would have been like if it had eighty-five cent Pearl Beer and a barmaid whose peroxide hair could damage your eyes as if you had seen an eclipse. That night we visited them all, but as we drove home I did
not think of the Pearl Beer and I did not think of the peroxide. I did not think of the girl who sat beside me. I thought of the woman of the tollway and I could feel my heart pounding in the heat of the summer night.
"Stop the car," the girl said. There was a terrible look of
sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.

[Jeep]

If you are what you eat you could be me by morning. o.O

[SoNotHer]

"She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike 'sand vein,' which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon."