Gender Wars - A Femme's Perspective

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by apretty

:i don't feel animosity--i do feel protective of female-identified butches because keeping the *she* in this world has become a subversive act, and i think that's super ballsy

YES! I swear not even 2 days ago I looked at Jackhammer in the middle of a conversation about identities and said that claiming the "she" that I am and that she is in our own separate ways is fucking subversive. (and that's hot)
I see some parallels about it having been a subversive act on the dash site to demand and claim female when things were particularly hostile toward "all things female" there.(my read)

Originally Posted by apretty

:and i'm suspect of the multitudes of young butches that see transitioning as the answer.
and i feel that male-identified/presenting peoples are privileged and i would love if that were acknowledged more often.
.

I'm crazy glad you brought this up. I feel like it's a touchy subject about the movement of more young butches toward a Trans identity because I do see layers of "the answer to my "I dont feel ok" problem within that youth community sometimes. And no, it's not really about ageism for me - It is about the youth of anyone's gender identity and how I relate it to what I see as an evolution process for all of us.
Sometimes I have wondered if it is about internal misogyny, about power dynamics, about wanting to gain privilege, about the subversive and intentional "othering" of the self that says "SEEE! SEEEEEE! I really AM a unique and special butterfly!!"
I also recognize that I don't have the right to question any individual's journey to themself, even if it doesn't make sense to me. I would like to understand it though and I hope I get to ask (respectful) questions to make that happen.

Originally Posted by apretty

:again, i don't see a war. i see that society positions women against each other and so unless you've done some work in this area and continue to work pretty hard at not being suspicious of your sisters, you're going to be a product of our society (which sucks, but it is what it is).
.

Word. I think this is what Heart has touched on all over the place (not said in a snarky way, but a way that says I recognize she has been advocating for this vehemently and with utter commendable conviction).
I see misogyny dictating that not only are women "less than" men, but that women also must be "less than" each other. Because that whole construct of "You must be this type of woman with x, y, and z characteristics to be considered valid, desireable, acceptable, and any other number of "unattainable" virtues" is at work *within* our own female communities. Hello? Look at the fractioning with the female/male identities in the Butch communities and the "Diamond-encrusted best-Femme-in-the-Universe EWWWWWWWwouldnevereatpussybecauseitsickybutpleaseo penmydoorbecauseImahelplesswiddlekitten" shit that tries to play out in the Femme community.
That shit is not just about people trying to "gender top" one another. It's the ingrained messages that the world feeds us from DAY ONE about who we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to get there.
I'm guilty as FUCK of buying into it in my lifetime - being the "mean girl" who had to automatically hate all amazing women because I wasn't as "insert whatever" as them. Those messages and my own inability to look inward at WHY and question if any of that shit was real ROBBED me of many possibly good friendships with other women because I was too busy being jealous, suspecting them of wanting to fuck my girlfriend, competing, and feeling insecure in the glow of their amazingness. I felt incredibly empowered the minute I said, "No More" to myself and it changed my world for the better.
I'm a better friend because of that, a better partner, and a happier person because I examined and questioned and evolved and am still willing to do more to shed that fucking nasty ass snakeskin of bullshit that the world throws on us the minute we are born if it means I get to have more Junes and Arwens and Divas and Michelleys and Snows and Adeles and Prettys and NJFemmes and Nats and Betes and Irishes in my life.

Originally Posted by apretty

erhaps i'm not getting the war-stuff, but in the end i believe we all know that there's power/strength and safety in numbers--and despite how dreadfully annoying i might find a person's communication style, it behooves us to get along.
.

You just nailed the crux of what has been on my mind for the last few days. I have become painfully irritated with some of the squealing "Me-ism" that I have seen in parts of this site but I do examine that as a personal communication style that bothers me no matter what the person might be talking about. That's a personal filter for me, doesn't mean that what the person is saying isn't valid...it just means I have to work a little harder to hear them through the noise that is bothering me.

[MsMerrick]

* As a Femme of whatever ID, do you feel animosity towards (entire groups) of Butch or Trans IDs?
No

* Do you see yourself or ID as being at "war" with another Femme ID or complicit in a "war" between Butch or Trans IDs?
No, I sidestep constantly
* Do you see any group of masculine ID's having an agenda to attack another group?No

* As a Femme, do you see a "war" between Femmes of different IDs? Why or why not?
The only "war" I see, seems to be on behalf of some Femme's Butch counterparts, and i find that sad...
* Do you think that Femmes contribute in any way to the gender or identity formation of Butches or Transmen? How about contributing to the gender formation of Butches of Transmen who Femmes date?
We all contribute to each others sense of who we are, how can we not ? That called influence and involvement, friendship.
* Do you, as a Femme, have a feminine or masculine identity?
My identity is Femme. I have many characteristics, which some divide up and attribute to masculine and/or feminine. I don't.
* Do you even feel like there is a "Gender War"? Is that an external manifestation of the internal? Do you feel that it is a construct of the larger sexist and misogynist society at work here?

I think that to deny the influence of a larger society , which I do see as misogynistic & sexist, would be naive. But, I think its influence is not as clear cut, as some seem to think

As a general statement, I feel that there is a ton of "blame the Femme's " going on, which both angers me, and amuses me, because I see that, as a manifestation of that oft referenced sexism and misogyny
Now I will read everyone else's answers..

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by MsMerrick

As a general statement, I feel that there is a ton of "blame the Femme's " going on, which both angers me, and amuses me, because I see that, as a manifestation of that oft referenced sexism and misogyny
Now I will read everyone else's answers..

YES! Women being the root of all evil in the world and all - Quick! Someone get an apple and offer it to the first Butch you see! Oooh, and then dress seductively and stand on the rocky shores and lure in the poor unsuspecting sailors! AND THEN, when you're done with that, take away the virtual pee-pee's of other people by merely talking about you're ability to change a tire, open your own damn door, build your own house, clean your own gutters, or (GASP) form an opinion without checking in with anyone else first!!

All personal amusement aside, I am also wondering if there aren't some swirlings of an enforced (expected?) nurturing from Femmes with other people's identities.

Good stuff.

[MsMerrick]

Originally Posted by Medusa

YES! Women being the root of all evil in the world and all - Quick! Someone get an apple and offer it to the first Butch you see! Oooh, and then dress seductively and stand on the rocky shores and lure in the poor unsuspecting sailors! AND THEN, when you're done with that, take away the virtual pee-pee's of other people by merely talking about you're ability to change a tire, open your own damn door, build your own house, clean your own gutters, or (GASP) form an opinion without checking in with anyone else first!!

All personal amusement aside, I am also wondering if there aren't some swirlings of an enforced (expected?) nurturing from Femmes with other people's identities.

Good stuff.

Yeppers, you got my reference perfectly thanks !

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

All personal amusement aside, I am also wondering if there aren't some swirlings of an enforced (expected?) nurturing from Femmes with other people's identities.

Good stuff.

I cringe every time I see someone crossing the fine line between having feeling about an identity and speaking *for* those identities. I don't want any one speaking about how I do Femme, particularly a Butch or Trans person. How would they know? Conversely, I don't want to speak FOR somebody's identity.

I hope that makes sense.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I cringe every time I see someone crossing the fine line between having feeling about an identity and speaking *for* those identities. I don't want any one speaking about how I do Femme, particularly a Butch or Trans person. How would they know? Conversely, I don't want to speak FOR somebody's identity.

I hope that makes sense.

Totally does. I have seen Femmes (talking about Femmes specifically not because I think we are the only guilty party but because this thread is for us to deconstruct ourselves) play "nurturer" and "Mother" in threads by explaining away bad behavior or trying to "pat pat soothe soothe" the entire conversation.
Another hand raised in "Guilty" for me too at times.
I think that from the time we are born we are told we are the "nurtures" of the world, the "fixers", that it is our job to make everything ok for everyone.
Some of us shed that because we're sick of it but I do see some people embracing it.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

Totally does. I have seen Femmes (talking about Femmes specifically not because I think we are the only guilty party but because this thread is for us to deconstruct ourselves) play "nurturer" and "Mother" in threads by explaining away bad behavior or trying to "pat pat soothe soothe" the entire conversation.
Another hand raised in "Guilty" for me too at times.
I think that from the time we are born we are told we are the "nurtures" of the world, the "fixers", that it is our job to make everything ok for everyone.
Some of us shed that because we're sick of it but I do see some people embracing it.

I think that there is a reward from our Butch counterparts for being the nurturer. Which makes it feel to me like a Femme in Shining Armor kind of thing. But at the end of they day, is it really helping? Because I think it succeeds only in further alienating Femmess from each other and taking away the voices of Butches.

I have been guilty of this too btw. Don't get me wrong, it is so easy to fall into. Especially when you are in love and tend to take on the weight of your beloveds world on your shoulders. I have to do a lot of work not to do that.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by MsMerrick

* As a Femme of whatever ID, do you feel animosity towards (entire groups) of Butch or Trans IDs?
No

* Do you see yourself or ID as being at "war" with another Femme ID or complicit in a "war" between Butch or Trans IDs?
No, I sidestep constantly
* Do you see any group of masculine ID's having an agenda to attack another group?No

* As a Femme, do you see a "war" between Femmes of different IDs? Why or why not?
The only "war" I see, seems to be on behalf of some Femme's Butch counterparts, and i find that sad...
* Do you think that Femmes contribute in any way to the gender or identity formation of Butches or Transmen? How about contributing to the gender formation of Butches of Transmen who Femmes date?
We all contribute to each others sense of who we are, how can we not ? That called influence and involvement, friendship.
* Do you, as a Femme, have a feminine or masculine identity?
My identity is Femme. I have many characteristics, which some divide up and attribute to masculine and/or feminine. I don't.
* Do you even feel like there is a "Gender War"? Is that an external manifestation of the internal? Do you feel that it is a construct of the larger sexist and misogynist society at work here?

I think that to deny the influence of a larger society , which I do see as misogynistic & sexist, would be naive. But, I think its influence is not as clear cut, as some seem to think

As a general statement, I feel that there is a ton of "blame the Femme's " going on, which both angers me, and amuses me, because I see that, as a manifestation of that oft referenced sexism and misogyny
Now I will read everyone else's answers..

Originally Posted by Medusa

YES! Women being the root of all evil in the world and all - Quick! Someone get an apple and offer it to the first Butch you see! Oooh, and then dress seductively and stand on the rocky shores and lure in the poor unsuspecting sailors! AND THEN, when you're done with that, take away the virtual pee-pee's of other people by merely talking about you're ability to change a tire, open your own damn door, build your own house, clean your own gutters, or (GASP) form an opinion without checking in with anyone else first!!

All personal amusement aside, I am also wondering if there aren't some swirlings of an enforced (expected?) nurturing from Femmes with other people's identities.

Good stuff.

I certainly get the expectations of society at large and all IDs in general put on me as a feminine woman, as a mother, as a bitch, as a boss....

I see the blame the femme thing of which Merrick speaks.

And not only do I see it - I see it as something that people have used as a unifier. I think that makes sense.

The specific example was in a thread - and honestly my head is about to explode and I can't remember where - but butches were having the "default to he" argument and the one thing that the female ID and the male ID seemed to agree on (well for a page anyway) was that it wasn't them - it was the femme's who were "guilty" of it....and as I was reading it I rememeber thinking "as if that is a femme thing really???" One femme agreed, but not in an analytical way - more of in a "yeah, we're bad" kinda way....yanno...Giggle. No one disputed this "fact." Yet I had SEEN lots and lots of people do it, regardless of ID.

That to me is misogyny - where femmes are expected to hold their own and everyone else's own. The weight put on them for all problems regardless of who's problems they happen to be. By having someone to blame they can use it to bring them closer, never sorting out the shit from the soap.....they really all could just get along if femmes would just not screw it up for them. It reads to me as them sighing, shaking their collective heads and saying "fucking women" to me.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

*
* Do you see any group of masculine ID's having an agenda to attack another group?
attack?
ummmm, no, I do feel the uneasinest that has started with all these discussions but I do also appreciate "almost all" of the adult conversations that have come from them. It has been very interesting to me, as a femme, to see/read the responses and then the responses to the responses. It certainly makes me stop and think about the wordage that I use and makes me determined to be more careful.

Words and labels. As much as we hate them we use them. I thought I had it figured out and I don't. The last thing I want to be is "careful" and feel like I'm walking on egg shells because my "words" hold a different meaning then yours or my needs are based on my current perception and not a political correct agenda.

Honestly... butch, boi, him, he, hym, FTM, trans, whatever. None of it really matters to me as far as who I would love. I love the contrast to my feminine physicality. I really don't want to try and describe what "kind" of femme I am because I've worked so hard on just being the person I am. This long hair and big ass boobed woman has a strong streak often viewed as masculine and because I'm as capable as a man I'm thought to be less feminine. Go figure! Fuck that!

I find myself feeling bad for the choice of words I use to define my feelings and how I overlooked or misunderstood someone else's feelings. It wasn't intentional. I find myself exiting and retreating out of discussion because I realize I might not know what the fuck I'm talking about or I'm just not into the confrontation I often see here. Some people are into that type of debate and others prefer lighthearted more compassionate dialog.

I'm a woman. For whatever reason I'm not attracted to men that are born as men. Now and then I'll see a hottie but I havent had a relationship with a man since my early early 20's and that was a weird circumstance. For some reason I became attracted to women that looked like boys. The more I explored that I became more and more attracted to masculinity. Hell 10 years ago I would have never considered dating an FTM and that is still a learning thing for me. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I'm queer and I'm here.

[apretty]

please don't take this as a slight, but because this is in the *femme* zone and you've made it clear in other thread/threads that you do not identify as *femme*--could you speak to the identity-place that you're posting from?

i think it matters. thank you.

Originally Posted by adorable

I certainly get the expectations of society at large and all IDs in general put on me as a feminine woman, as a mother, as a bitch, as a boss....

I see the blame the femme thing of which Merrick speaks.

[Isadora]

As a Femme of whatever ID, do you feel animosity towards (entire groups) of Butch or Trans IDs?
No.

* Do you see yourself or ID as being at "war" with another Femme ID or complicit in a "war" between Butch or Trans IDs?
No. My issues are more about cultural appropriation of terms and have some issues with shifting paradigms that redefine language or “borrow” language. This, I believe, is a privilege of aging, to have cultural and multi-generational perspective and to also “own” my point of view. (So we add sexism and ageism to the umbrella.)

* Do you see any group of masculine ID's having an agenda to attack another group?
I see individual agendas and opinions but to attack a whole group, no. I also get really tired of those who “speak for” others in general or in specific.

* As a Femme, do you see a "war" between Femmes of different IDs? Why or why not?
Again, I see differing styles, personalities, opinions and agendas but war, no.


* Do you think that Femmes contribute in any way to the gender or identity formation of Butches or Transmen? How about contributing to the gender formation of Butches of Transmen who Femmes date?
I believe we all contribute to each other’s identity in some form or another. We are social animals, we learn from our experiences with others no matter what gender. We do not develop in a vacuum.

* Do you, as a Femme, have a feminine or masculine identity?
I have a “me” identity. My sash husband once said to me, “You confuse me. You have a very femme part of you and a very butch part of you.” At first I was confused then we had a whole discussion about personality and how society deems personality traits “feminine or masculine”. Like being blunt is a masculine trait. Huh?

* Do you even feel like there is a "Gender War"? Is that an external manifestation of the internal? Do you feel that it is a construct of the larger sexist and misogynist society at work here?
I do not think in terms of military or war to look at the manifestation of internal locus. I think that sexism and misogyny is part of the umbrella of ism’s that play a part in our society and therefore affect (effect? I always get those confused) every aspect of our lives. Do I lose sleep over it? No. I have worked to fight isms for over 35+ years. As Margaret Mead said, “Instead of being presented with stereotypes by age, sex, color, class, or religion , people must have the opportunity to learn that within each range, some people are loathsome and some are delightful. “ Part of “isms” is to lump people together by relying on stereotypes. If I have issues with people, I deal with the people and do not transfer those issues to an entire gender or community.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by apretty

please don't take this as a slight, but because this is in the *femme* zone and you've made it clear in other thread/threads that you do not identify as *femme*--could you speak to the identity-place that you're posting from?

i think it matters. thank you.

Wow. I hope you got everything you hoped for out of that.

[Passionaria]

Medusa asked:
* As a Femme of whatever ID, do you feel animosity towards (entire groups) of Butch or Trans IDs?

Over the last 10 years (my gay lifetime), I have seen many changing definitions and expressions of gender in our community. I think we define and redefine ourselves more than many groups of people, partly because we are forging uncharted territory, socially, and culturally, as well.

Sitting back and watching the unfolding reminds me of looking into a kaleidoscope, and exploring each possible combination of butch-femme identity, and the interplay that emerges. I have at times wondered if certain B-F websites were someones PHD thesis, it is interesting enough of a process to be one. I love us, for being able to create and recreate ourselves. So, animosity, no. Occasionally, fondly amused at the drama of the process, yes.

* Do you see yourself or ID as being at "war" with another Femme ID or complicit in a "war" between Butch or Trans IDs?

No, the last thing I want is for us to turn on each other. OUCH. Honestly though, there are some gender concepts that have taken some time for me to understand. As my understanding grows, I have noticed my tastes and attractions seem to be evolving as well. Case in point: I came out as a lesbian ID'd femme, and it took me some serious contemplation and questioning to understand the needs of Stone Butches. Once I got it? I think they are right up there with chocolate ~YUMMY. As a community we are all growing, and our process at times reflects those growing pains.


* Do you see any group of masculine ID's having an agenda to attack another group?

I see certain individual people having strong personalities and opinions. Often, not stopping to think if their behavior hurts another. I don't see that as a gender issue, rather, a personality issue.

* As a Femme, do you see a "war" between Femmes of different IDs? Why or why not?

I see certain individual people having strong personalities and opinions and varying levels of tolerance. Often, not stopping to think if their behavior hurts another. I don't see that as a gender issue, rather, a personality issue.


* Do you think that Femmes contribute in any way to the gender or identity formation of Butches or Transmen? How about contributing to the gender formation of Butches of Transmen who Femmes date?

Yes, I think it is natural to want to please the ones we love. Hopefully within healthy, self identified, boundaries. I know I would stretch my boundaries some, for the one I loved, to give them what they desire. But I can't change the essence of who I am, without betraying self.


* Do you, as a Femme, have a feminine or masculine identity?

A feminine identity, inspired more by my connection to the Divine Feminine, than any cultural norm.

* Do you even feel like there is a "Gender War"? Is that an external manifestation of the internal? Do you feel that it is a construct of the larger sexist and misogynist society at work here?

No, I don't, and think it is unhealthy for our community to keep saying there is. I believe we can do better, and that we are worth more than that.I think the real issue is that there are individuals within our community, with varying levels of tolerance, kindness, and communication skills, participating in the process of us defining our gender identities. And It's not cool to be a bully.............

Thanks for asking

[apretty]

or, you could just answer the question, claire.

Originally Posted by adorable

Wow. I hope you got everything you hoped for out of that.

[Nat]

adorable - it confused me too that you said earlier that you are not a femme and now you are speaking from femme perspective. It sounds like you are feminine and queer and a woman but may not id as a femme. Would that be accurate? If so, I'm sure your experiences and insights overlap plenty of femme experiences/insights whether or not you have claimed the ID "femme" for yourself.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by Nat

adorable - it confused me too that you said earlier that you are not a femme and now you are speaking from femme perspective. It sounds like you are feminine and queer and a woman but may not id as a femme. Would that be accurate? If so, I'm sure your experiences and insights overlap plenty of femme experiences/insights whether or not you have claimed the ID "femme" for yourself.

I can't be for sure (I never am totally for sure on apretty but I think she comes from a good place ) but I think she was asking for you to speak from your own gender experience out of a need for clarity and consistency and was not attempting to put you down.

What on earth difference does it make? Femme's post in the butch zone. Everyone posts in the trans zone and so far almost every ID has been in the lesbian zone.

So unless someone finds my post insulting or there is something WRONG with my post - I don't see how the fact that I don't ID as a femme has any bearing on that. And I didn't post from a femme perspective. I agreed with two femme's perspectives. I posted from MY perspective as a woman who lives and breathes just like other women.

But unlike others on here I have been asked to show MY queer card for consistency? Right.

Well since what you are asking for is to me to justify how come *I* can post where I please let me list all the things I can think of that might get me past the gatekeepers.

My GENDER is woman.
MY ID QUEER
I am 5'6" tall.
I have two girls and am a single mother.
I own my own home and have a valid driver's license.
I work full time.
I wear lipstick.
I worked two full time jobs AS a single mother and earned a bachelor's degree in War Crimes.
I don't wear underwear.
I liked to be fucked by mean TGs while I call them daddy.
I also like to fuck mean women who call me daddi.
I drink unsweet Ice Tea
I wear mini skirts occasionally, heels too
I have knocked out a man with an unopened can of diet pepsi
I run a business
I drive an Impala with heated leather seats
I'm fat but sadly not in the right places anymore
I work with LGBT youth in my community
I am a published author
I was passed over for a promotion once because I was a woman



If there is anything else that you need to know for me to be able to post, by all means let me know....

[Nat]

Hmm, perhaps this is a good illustration of gender tensions that can rise up -defensiveness of and possible hostility/"gate-keeping" toward women who don't identify as butch or femme.

The term "femme" and I had to wrestle a lot before we were comfortable with each other, and I did feel more defensive or like the environment was more hostile in some ways back then. It's interesting to see the shoe on the other foot.

I like iced tea too

[MsMerrick]

Originally Posted by adorable

What on earth difference does it make? Femme's post in the butch zone. Everyone posts in the trans zone and so far almost every ID has been in the lesbian zone.

So unless someone finds my post insulting or there is something WRONG with my post - I don't see how the fact that I don't ID as a femme has any bearing on that. And I didn't post from a femme perspective. I agreed with two femme's perspectives. I posted from MY perspective as a woman who lives and breathes just like other women.

But unlike others on here I have been asked to show MY queer card for consistency? Right.

Well since what you are asking for is to me to justify how come *I* can post where I please let me list all the things I can think of that might get me past the gatekeepers.

My GENDER is woman.
MY ID QUEER
I am 5'6" tall.
I have two girls and am a single mother.
I own my own home and have a valid driver's license.
I work full time.
I wear lipstick.
I worked two full time jobs AS a single mother and earned a bachelor's degree in War Crimes.
I don't wear underwear.
I liked to be fucked by mean TGs while I call them daddy.
I also like to fuck mean women who call me daddi.
I drink unsweet Ice Tea
I wear mini skirts occasionally, heels too
I have knocked out a man with an unopened can of diet pepsi
I run a business
I drive an Impala with heated leather seats
I'm fat but sadly not in the right places anymore
I work with LGBT youth in my community
I am a published author
I was passed over for a promotion once because I was a woman



If there is anything else that you need to know for me to be able to post, by all means let me know....

I think you were simply asked to clarify.
Those of us, who do ID as Femme, often spent some time struggling with it.
I would have asked the same, if I had known that you did not. I note, no one asked you NOT to Post, simply asked from what perspective, were you indeed posting. I don't gate keep the word Queer, or the word Femme. Nonetheless, this is a Femme's Perspective Thread, and as such, if you are posting in it and don't identify as Femme, a certain amount of explanation/clarification, seems at the very least..polite, imho, of course
I am also a great fan of Iced Tea, minimally sweetened if at all ; )

[adorable]

Originally Posted by MsMerrick

I think you were simply asked to clarify.
Those of us, who do ID as Femme, often spent some time struggling with it.
I would have asked the same, if I had known that you did not. I note, no one asked you NOT to Post, simply asked from what perspective, were you indeed posting. I don't gate keep the word Queer, or the word Femme. Nonetheless, this is a Femme's Perspective Thread, and as such, if you are posting in it and don't identify as Femme, a certain amount of explanation/clarification, seems at the very least..polite, imho, of course
I am also a great fan of Iced Tea, minimally sweetened if at all ; )

And yet it's not asked of others who post in other threads to which they don't claim that particular ID?

And it's based on what? If my post had been dismissive, or disrespectful or out of line - ok - I could see that. In fact I HAVE seen that.
Since it wasn't...
Why is this zone, different then other zone's?
Why would you ask me to clarify *IF* you knew that I didn't ID as a femme?
Butch or Femme for me are not genders - I actually don't claim either for myself out of respect for those who do.. regardless - I find it odd that I am asked to clarify who I am in order to post.
Does someone's gender or personal ID change the truth or un-truth in what they say?
If people are going to start reading posts along these lines and people collectively are going to be questioned about who they are so that other people can determine if their post is worthy of consideration - it does take away from the discussion factor...
It also puts those of us in the other category left out of discussions that matter just as much to us as everyone else.

[SassyLeo]

Adorable-

Reading your posts about not ID'ing as Femme has triggered something really huge for me. And this is not specifically directed at you, it just happens that the context of the conversation made me realize...

I feel really fucking protective of "Femme". As in, when I finally figured out that Femme was the right word to use to describe how I feel about ME, it was like the OMG A-ha moment.

And FOR ME, I feel like FEMME is a Queer denominator.

To people in the world, outside my community, I appear as a straight woman. Even though I work with many Queer folk at my job, no one had any idea I was Queer. One woman who is partnered and I have been work-friends with, was shocked when one day I was talking about Erin and used "she". I out myself everyday. And luckily I work for a company which celebrates diversity.

So, for me, FEMME is how I get to differentiate myself, how I say to the world: "I am Queer. I can look however I want, I don't fit in your stereotypes. I may "appear" as what you call a straight woman, but I AM NOT."

I know that not everyone feels the same as I do. I know there are people out there in the world who are like none of us on the site who use this word to describe themselves. However Femme looks to me is different than you and everyone else in the community. And yet, I find it hard to not care if some random straight woman in Missouri calls herself a Femme. It should make no difference to me since she is not connected to my/your Queer world... but it does.