Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Maverick]

Happy Birthday Alix! I wish you every happiness you've ever dreamed of this year as you set forth on your quest to discover your true self. Congrats on your decision and you're right, it has to be all about you and what's right for you.
Maverick

[Nadeest]

Each of us has to find a balance in our life, that works for us. That can change, over time, I have found. To that end, we each make choices, which hopefully, make our lives better. For me, it was transition, even though I may never be able to afford any surgeries. That was my choice, and it has made my life better, even with all the difficulties that transition brings.

I will not say, however, that that is the right choice for everyone. We each have to decide that on our own. Whatever choices that we make, though, we will never fully be 'whole' and entirely comfortable with our bodies. This is part of who we are. Why we are this way, I do not know. I simply play the hand that I was dealt, the best way that I can. That is what all of us do. Hang in there!

[Greyson]

I just got home from more medical appointments. Recently I ran into an unexpected medical problem. In consultation with my doctors I decided I will no longer be taking Testosterone. This is most likely for the rest of my life. I can live with that. I am now legally a male and in my heart of hearts I know for me, I am not the same as a cisgender man.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have contemplated and researched vast amounts of information on Gender Reassignment, Gender Expression, Feminism, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, Internalize Fatphoia, Internalized Racism, Spirituality and what does that look like for me and in humanity.

What I have learned is that I am not all that different from any other human being. I am no longer living in constant fear, separation from "others" and self absorbed living, thinking I am there for others.

Why am I writing this in the Trans Zone? Well because I am Trans and am learning to come to peace with who I really am, a third gender. So many times during all of this medical stuff, I am being referred to as "she." Why does it rattle me so? Before going through gender reassignment I was called sir with regularity. i was also born a cisgender female. My gender expression has always been considered masculine. But here is the caveat to "mascilinity".... Masculinity does not only express in cisgender men, masculine identified cisgender females, Butches and Transmen.

After I had a two hour discussion today with an RN preparing me for surgery next week, she asked me if there is anything she can do to help make this upcoming surgery and hospitalization less stressful. I replied, "Yes."

I then proceeded to ask about the hospital's Diversity Training and if the training included education on LGBTQ concerns. She said she has been at this hospital for 18 years and has never had any diversity training that included LGBTQ concerns. (Keep in mind this is a hospital and Trauma Center in the SF Bay Area.) The nurse was very receptive to our discussion and promised me she is going to bring this to the attention of her superiors. I know there are consultants in our community that offer sensitivity training regarding our LGBTQ concerns.

I have kind of been all over the map in this post. Thank you for listening.

[DapperButch]

Hey, Greyson. I just wanted to say that I hear you, all that you said.

I appreciate you opening up and sharing with us. It takes just as much courage to take hormones, as it takes to not take hormones. It takes courage to live the "flavor" of whatever our gender identity is.

[Nadeest]

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Nadeest

I agree, you are not fully the same as a cis-gender male. Nor am I the same as a cis-gender female. We don't have the same experiences as cis-gendered people. You have more of the experiences as a cis-female, and I have more the experiences as a cis-male, but we never fully experience everything the way that cis-people do.

As one person that I knew put it: Cis-females are on one side of the mountain, Cis-males another, and transfolk are on the top of the mountain. We can see and experience some of the things that both groups do, but never as fully and deeply as the people on either side of the mountain. On the other hand, we get to view and experience things that each group does not normally get to.

Wow, what a fantastic, powerful statement. Perfect.

[SelfMadeMan]

Thank you for sharing that post Greyson. I am so sorry you're having to deal with medical issues and I know all too well how scary that can be.

Stopping T is not going to change who you are, not one bit. I think you're very brave and making very smart decisions for your health and for your future. Good luck today, and I send mucho positive energy your way!

[Maverick]

I'm bumping this thread because it is so good for those of us who are questioning, uncertain, can't or won't transition to find support.



Personally, I continue to wrestle with the hugeness of changing my outer gender to reflect my inner gender and take my stand for who I truly am in the world. The thought of losing so much that I love in order to be true to myself is overwhelming. Yet, for me it is coming down to a bigger issue of claiming myself and standing up for my true self in this world that has for so long told ME who I am.

I had a dream this morning that I woke up with a beard and I was THRILLED!! And no one even noticed it lol. I kept showing it to people and they were like...that's nice. Hmm.. I kept running my hand across it and looking in the mirror and was so excited that I had a beard yet to everyone else it just seemed normal. Interesting.

Anyway, that's my bump for today. Just wanted to share with you guys and gals.

Carry on.
Mav

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Thank you for bumping this thread. I know I have found a lot of support and advice in this thread before I actually did start my transition a week ago.

You know Mav if you decide to do transition it is all about the little steps and going at YOUR pace. You may decide to only take T or go further to top and bottom surgery. Whatever is right for YOU. I suggest research and more research but don't forget the support along the way. My journey was long and full of many unexpected twists but it was a journey I had to take again at My pace.

I was once like you and was afraid of what I would loose. Now at 46 I am like many guys and am surprised of how many of things I did actually loose. Plus how little the ones I did loose actually meant to me, in the big picture.
Remind yourself that it is 2013 and a lot has changed including the thinking of many people. You also have the option I took of moving somewhere that the environment and thinking is more positive to trans* people and to the Bravhearts of this world.

[Nadeest]

I agree with KnightsBlade on this. Take your time on this, and only go as far as you are comfortable with, at the time. I remember that my mentor, long ago, kept telling me to take baby steps, and not to jump into things. She also told me that, generally, if you start trying to live as a female, all at once, you are going to run into all kinds of roadblocks, that you didn't expect. It is better to do things gradually, and both accustom yourself, and the people around you to the changes that you are making, in your life.

This advice worked well for me, and I have had a relatively smooth transition, with a lot less trouble then many people have experienced. I especially took my time changing the way that I dressed, only going as far as I was comfortable with, at the time.

Trust me, the little steps add up, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Things seem to go very slowly, at the start of transition, but boy, does that change, after a while.

It was recommended to me, to keep a journal during my transition, and look back at it, about once a year or so. Trust me, you will notice the changes in your life, at that point, especially a couple of years down the road.

[Maverick]

Thanks Nadeest and KnightsBlade for your helpful advice to take it slow. I am definitely taking it slow and spend a lot of time researching my options and how others have journeyed through their transitions. Yes, it's a slow process and it sometimes feels like I'm not moving forward at all but I am reminded occasionally of how far I've actually come in just a couple of years. I do keep a journal and it's very interesting to look back once in a while. This year I've learned so much about myself and so many pieces of my puzzle have finally fallen into place. So far it's been an incredible journey and I'm really looking forward to continuing along my current path. It gets lonely sometimes though so it's really nice to reach out and touch base with people that really understand what we go through to get to our true selves.

I shared this quote in another thread but think it's fitting here as well. It very much sums up how I feel about my own transition:

"My transition has not only been from an inauthentic life as a man to an authentic life as a woman. It has also been from a gender covenant based upon physical sex and social convention to a new gender covenant in which gender doesn’t mean being male or female, but being true to others by becoming our truest selves." -Joy Ladin

[Ilphithra]

Hello to all,

As someone suffering from Gender Dysphoria and having opted for not having sex reassignment surgery, I've decided to share with you the reasons why I don't do it.

I have researched extensively and pondered all the pros and cons that might come with it and I have made a lot of introspection in order to take a decision. After a long time, I decided it was better to keep the body I have and take good care of it.

I'm also divided about packing and other such methods.

Don't get me wrong... I hate my body and I'm thoroughly ashamed of it to the point I refuse to have sex with my SO with the lights on.

As much as I would love to change my body, I'm someone who looks at things objectively instead of jumping the gun and doing some kind of madness such as trying to mutilate myself.

My reasons for not "changing" are several as I said. I'll try to explain this as good as I can.

Pros - Match my mental and soul image.

Cons - Where to start?

Testosterone treatment: so much can go so wrong with the body that it's not even funny. Even with naturally high T, my doctor told me it would be best not to do it due to the cyclic cysts I have. It could increase them or worse. I decided not to do it.

Sex reassignment surgery: I have done extensive research in this and the results of FtM surgery are simply not satisfying to me.

Between the massive scarring, the chance of tissue rejection, the chance of necrosis, lack of any feeling, loss of ability to feel pleasure, etc... the risks and cons in this are so many that I simply threw it out of the window.

Come back to me when it's possible to use my stem cells and DNA scaffolding to grow a penis in lab and attach it safely to me. Maybe not in my lifetime but perhaps in the future this will be possible.

Binding my chest: As much as I would love a flat chest, I'm not about to turn my boobs into smashed pancakes. Let them be there and as perky as they want. The only way they go is if I get cancer risk.

Packing: This one brings so many mixed feelings to me it's not even funny.

Packing would enable me to get a penis, scrotum and balls... especially if I save up and get one of the pack&play from Lola Jake's. I would look down and see something somewhat realistic hanging in there, especially if glued (no harness).

However, at the end of the day, it's not really "mine". It's something, glued to me that gives me some feeling by stimulating my clitoris and pleasure to my SO by penetration... but it still comes off my body as it is not mine.

This "it's not mine" thought is what drives me absolutely nuts...

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to go under the knife due to the procedure having more cons than pros. I take my hat off to those who, even with the odds being nasty, still go through the FtM surgery and risk all the ailments that can come from T injections.

Perhaps I will pack in the future but I won't be binding. As much as I hate my body, it's the only body I have and I have to take good care of it, not mutilate it or hurt it.

It's as much my body's fault that it is female as it is my fault that I was born this way. I don't want to be hurt for being who I am, why would I hurt my own body for being what it is?

Yes, my body fitting the mental image I have of it would be nice... but I simply see no reasonable or safe way to do so. As such, I will take good care of what I have and live my life to the best of my abilities.

And maybe.. who knows... maybe I poke Lola Jake in the future... I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

[MsTinkerbelly]

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

"madness as trying to mutilate myself"....wow.

There are many people here in varying degrees of transitition, and words hurt.

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

[Apocalipstic]

Well, we are definitely a mincing group. I like to think of it as being kind and polite.

Welcome, by the way!

[weatherboi]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

I'm not adverse to the hermaphrodite "look"...

Glad you are here!!!

Hermaphrodite is a really antiquated term. Intersex is not a look and although I appreciate someone trying to infuse humor in an obviously stressful situation, I am certain Intersex is not a look but a gender that is akin to many of the things a transgender person goes thru. So please lets not poke humor at the expense of another gender that is struggling.

I totally get where you can feel this way about all the cons that you listed. It can be overwhelming to live a life in a body that doesn't match the mind and sometimes we find ourselves thinking and doing things to our bodies that can be construed as unsafe and not helpful in the long battle. I have run across many transgender persons that go thru periods of physical self hurt/mutilation. Is this what you are meaning???

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Well, we are definitely a mincing group. I like to think of it as being kind and polite.

Welcome, by the way!

Thanks...

... and sorry... but I'm the blunt type. I prefer to go back to lurking than facing diatribe for being myself.

Best wishes to all.

[Apocalipstic]

You know, if you really do care about being here, it becomes important to care about how our words affect other people. Yes, its great to be blunt, but it seems silly to put that out there then imply you can't post any more because you got a couple of mildly disapproving answers.

Seems mixed messagy.

Like come on hard, then get feelings hurt easy.

If you do care about being here, hang in and be you. But you can't expect everyone to agree with you.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Ilphithra

Well... while I understand why some of us hate their bodies to the point of trying to literally chop off their genitals for example, it doesn't mean it's something sane or normal to do.
It's something that happens out of absolute depression, unhappiness, frustration and desperation.

I won't say the thought never crossed my mind but I never went through with it or even got as far as grabbing a knife...

I'm sorry if my bluntness offends you but it's how I see and talk about things. I shall go back to lurking the forum as I have done until now so that I don't offend people due to being frontal and blunt about things. I don't have a habit of mincing or fluffing words.

Thanks for the "warm welcoming".

Oh i was much kinder than i could have been...there is blunt, and there is offensive, and although i don't speak for anyone but myself, i found the way you frazed things to be purposely offensive to many people here...and as it was your first post EVER, i felt the need to stick my nose in it.

To "me" it felt as though you came in here to stir things up a bit, and oh look, you've suceeded.

Sorry admins I'll back out, was trying to be nice.

[Ilphithra]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

You know, if you really do care about being here, it becomes important to care about how our words affect other people. Yes, its great to be blunt, but it seems silly to put that out there then imply you can't post any more because you got a couple of mildly disapproving answers.

Seems mixed messagy.

Like come on hard, then get feelings hurt easy.

If you do care about being here, hang in and be you. But you can't expect everyone to agree with you.

I shall reply to you in a PM as not to derail the thread.