For those who self-injurer

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

i hope it's ok to post this here.

i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm.

i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway..

Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point..

The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to..
The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now?

i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way.
i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal

I just want to say that maybe you misunderstood a lack of shame for a need for attention when it came to those showing visible scars. It may have taken that stranger you saw a very long time and a lot of work to be able to NOT be overly self conscious and hide them. You may someday reach that point where you are ok and able to be open in a way that attention for something negative can bring positive by sharing facts andd info with whomever notices and asks about said scars. I know amazing young girls who speak to an entire auditorium about cutting... but personally I still can't be comfortable with scars that were over 20 years old. I still hid them because I feel like you do about someone noticing or speaking to me randomly about such personal issues. There's no bad or good here.... only growth love and acceptance.

Just some ideas for ya... because long sleeves can't always be an option for hot seasons/climates.... bracelets are not the most fashionable way but when added next to say a watch and/or a leather band... maybe even something like breast cancer awareness bracelets and pride bands so you are doing good while you are ALSO "minimizing the chances of someone noticing and giving you unwanted attention". Back in the day when hippy like jewelry was cool, leather making tools (with designs and letters) were really good for making 1 to 3 inch bands that resembled cuffs. You could make a "punk statement" back then like anarchy symbols or bands' designs... but these days there are many phrases and words that can do a lot of good. Don't know if you could brainstorm something from that and be your "style" to wear.

Also if you use a high sunblock on the whole area, to reduce the tanning around the scars, and then at night use a stretch mark cream you should be able to re-hide the white lines into your skin tone if they are very thin and shallow as you described.

[Nat]

I do that eyelash thing too - never thought anything of it though. I also skin pick and scratch til I bleed sometimes, though I've never talked about it or even thought about it as self-injury.

I have loved 4 cutters (not all romantically). The first time I saw still-red cuts under a sleeve that had crept up too high, it upset me very much and very immediately. But cutting makes sense to me logically even if it's not what I do. It seems in a way like a coping mechanism that must be effective enough to keep a person on this planet. Two of the cutters I've known were handling a lot of personal pain, and the other two had high anxiety. I can't claim to understand it, though like I said, it does make sense to me in my own head.

My other self-harm compulsions have been through the more common (perhaps) routes of overeating, comfort-deprivation, spending money I can't afford to spend, forcing myself into sex I didn't want or that harmed me, staying in or going back to emotionally abusive situations, smoking, drinking, occasionally drugging (not lately), other self-sabotaging behaviors. I went through a bout of intentional purging for maybe 3 months once. It became easily compulsive, just like eating or sex (or hitting refresh on an internet browser), and I found it weirdly satisfying. Looking for privacy, the ritual of it, perfecting my technique, creating a routine, eating with the knowledge that it wouldn't be staying down, keeping this secret, knowing that when somebody told me I looked thinner and told me I was doing a "good job" as though my body were their business, I had this secret evil knowledge that my body was only conforming to their standards because I was *not* taking care of myself - all those things were weirdly satisfying to the point of being kinda fetishy. I was able to stop that though. I didn't discover that stuff until my mid-twenties, and although I would easily get into the pattern again, it just wasn't my main deal.

I take different routes but they all bring some kind of relief. If I manage to cut off one route, another takes its place.

I've been looking lately at trying to really actually heal whatever it is on the inside of me that seems to be the motivating factor. I don't know if I can heal entirely, but I am trying. I am establishing a sense of safety and trust with myself slowly. Part of that is being in a relationship with a person who loves me, whom I love, who also is always safe and supportive for me. Just feeling safe with one person is huge - it helps me feel safer with myself. Then there is my spiritual practice/path. It seems to be making the biggest difference in my life in terms of just making that black hole in me a little less of a big deal, a little less real, a little less of a motivating factor in my life. I don't think it's a thing I can banish entirely, but its grip seems to be loosening and its presence fading as more fulfilling and meaningful things have begun to take up more space in my inner world. I don't know if the skin-picking, scratching or eyelash-pulling will ever fade out, whether I will ever have a healthy relationship with food or whatever, but I am trying to focus on healing the inside stuff more than controlling those compulsions right now. If I start focusing too much on the symptoms, then I don't think I'll be in the right place to heal. The deal for me with the symptoms is - I'm avoiding illegality or behaviors that would seriously destroy the functionality of my life or my relationship, and I'm good with that. If I pick my scalp until it bleeds, who cares? It's such a minor concern for me compared with the other things I could do with these feelings.

[Andrew, Jr.]

You are all of mine.

Thank you for sharing your stories here. I hope you are finding this to be a safe space that is open for you to share, bond, love, and support one another.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Jeep]

So, in a real relationship for the first time in five years. All this time I have tought "If I can just find someone I will be able to stop." Not so much.
I love her, have known her for 6 years and trust her completely. There is nothing about me she doesn't know.
She doesn't get angry when I SI unless I try to hide it, which is hard for me not to do since I've been hiding it for 10 years, but I'm getting better. Would be nice if I could quit, but I think I would miss it. A lot.

[swagger]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

When I am extremely stressed I pull my eyelashes out, and sometimes I hit myself in the head.

Yeay.

I hit.. It took me by surprise. I'd cut before, that started when I was 16 and the last time was in 2007 I think. My now ex called me a liar and I carved that word into my arm with a razor blade. The hitting, slapping, punching happened violently and unexpectedly when I was under extreme stress and extremely distressed. Talk about beating oneself up...... (Hell yeah I'm in therapy).

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by swagger

I hit.. It took me by surprise. I'd cut before, that started when I was 16 and the last time was in 2007 I think. My now ex called me a liar and I carved that word into my arm with a razor blade. The hitting, slapping, punching happened violently and unexpectedly when I was under extreme stress and extremely distressed. Talk about beating oneself up...... (Hell yeah I'm in therapy).

I am in therapy too and it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist said to hit myself in the shoulder, not the head if I must hit myself...which makes sense.

Ive been so stressed lately my hair is actually falling out, instead of me pulling it. Creepy. Maybe becasue I pull it so tight ina bun my head hurts.

I have been doing better about hitting myself, onlyonce recently, but I think about it and my eyelashes are grown back.

[swagger]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am in therapy too and it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist said to hit myself in the shoulder, not the head if I must hit myself...which makes sense.

Ive been so stressed lately my hair is actually falling out, instead of me pulling it. Creepy. Maybe becasue I pull it so tight ina bun my head hurts.

I have been doing better about hitting myself, onlyonce recently, but I think about it and my eyelashes are grown back.

my shrink [and by shrink i mean psychologist, in south africa, psychiatry is expensive and most of our qualified ones leave the country] said try to open your hands, think of comforting yourself, holding your head instead. i don't have time to think though, it's always out of the bloody blue. *pow* one time, i punched my throat repeatedly. not cool, so not cool. there might be a break of a few months between bouts [lool, bouts like boxing..] or it could be all too frequent.

well done for stopping the eyelashes thing, that's really great.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by swagger

my shrink [and by shrink i mean psychologist, in south africa, psychiatry is expensive and most of our qualified ones leave the country] said try to open your hands, think of comforting yourself, holding your head instead. i don't have time to think though, it's always out of the bloody blue. *pow* one time, i punched my throat repeatedly. not cool, so not cool. there might be a break of a few months between bouts [lool, bouts like boxing..] or it could be all too frequent.

well done for stopping the eyelashes thing, that's really great.

yup i get this.. spur of the moment knee-jerk reaction to an intense emotion.. bang its done, all better.

[swagger]

Thanks for saying that, I'm far more used to peoples' eyes widening in horror...

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by swagger

Thanks for saying that, I'm far more used to peoples' eyes widening in horror...

lol yup.. it's not something people are used to hearing and especially from people like me who look pretty normal... we all have our stuff to deal with.

[swagger]

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

lol yup.. it's not something people are used to hearing and especially from people like me who look pretty normal... we all have our stuff to deal with.

Normal how? A guy I know told me hit and that he thought it more "manly" than cutting. More of a male response. For me it is fast enraged violence without planning. When I cut, it was always because I *wanted* to cut. I have never, ever wanted to punch myself hard in the head and throat.

[girl_dee]

Normal = a girl who looks like she has got it together and pretty happy with herself..

Not someone who in a fit of self hate or an emotional snap will yank her hair out and take a hammer to her arm. I am WAY better now but there was a day.. a sad dark time when it was bad.. I don't remember a time when I didn't use a punch or cut to make me feel better. I can be sitting in a restaraunt with friends, suddenly a feeling comes over me, off to the bathroom I go.. punch, pinch, yank, hit... all better.. no one would ever guess.

Being an endorphin junkie I tend to do other things to bring that feeling but in a more controlled setting.. its the spur of the moment fits that are the hard ones.

[Tcountry]

Thanks! I have read the whole thread & found interesting the different actions & reasons...
I have been an emotional cutter (when things get all jumbled & u can't think or feel anything anymore & ur just numb to the world) cutting makes me focus on one emotion/pain...I have recently made a playlist of songs I know make me cry...thinking next time I can play those songs & that will bring the sad/tears & I won't want to cut.
Hopefully finding a different way to cure the numbness...
I think the hardest thing to hear is someone I am in a relationship with say she doesn't want me to cut "because of me"...like if we have a fight or something...the smartass response would be, well then don't continue to yell at me...lol ...cause if you stopped yelling & observed u would see the breaking point...

Advise for anyone in a relationship with a salf harmer...talk to them about what their triggers/reasons are...& listen, really listen to words & body language...& be willing to stand by them when it does happen...cause it is really hard to stop & they don't need yet another person telling them how wrong or unhealthy it is...

Thanks, T.

[DomnNC]

Hi Ya'll,

First off let me say how brave each and every one of you are for sharing your stories. I used to have a friend who was very much into self-harm, self-injury. I found a website where they actually have a chat room where you can talk to people who are indeed going thru the same thing ya'll do. Most often the chat room is manned with a counselor as well. I thought maybe some of you might find some solace, peace and strength discussing your lives with people who are living with the same issue(s) you are. Here's the link for the chat room portal.

http://www.buschat.info/dokuwiki/

Here's a few more websites that have a lot of good information as well.

http://selfharm.org/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://www.selfinjury.com/

Good luck to you all and again thank you for the vast courage you have shown by posting your story!

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I didn't even know this thread existed...

There are those who think that, I don't understand addiction because I've never had one. The truth is, cutting... can be just as addicting as any drug - especially when one is trying to quit, and the craving can be extremely intense.

I did a number on myself on my 22nd birthday, and I made a promise to myself I never would again... it was almost two years before I gave in again. But, now it's been three months (I think) and I'm going to make another commitment to myself, because quitting for ME is the most important thing.

Thank you for allowing me to share; everyone here is so warm, I feel confident I will not be judged - but rather, accepted.

[girl_dee]

Thank you for the info here. I am learning that no matter what, the *urge* never goes away. Dealing with it is what is different.

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

I have replaced it with crying... which, I actually got accused of trying to make people feel guilty.

I would rather cry to get it out, than crawl back into the sick comfort of a blade on my skin.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Replace it with music, running, screaming, exercising something that will get you out of that habit space, talk about it!

To Write Love on Her Arms

MISSION STATEMENT:
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.
We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.
We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.
Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.
The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.


http://www.twloha.com/vision/

[proximitywithoutintimacy]

Mhm, I'm very familiar with TWLOHA

[Tcountry]

What do you do when nothing else
seems to work? (fyi...not there now, just want ideas for future)

Hi...my name is T and I am a cutter......
I have done it since I was 18...
(i posted months ago as to why)
but I have the question above....could use answers.

The hardest thing for me is recognizing the causes at the moment & realizing I have to make the choices to Not do it.
I carry a knife everyday. some ppl would say that is like putting a bottle of a recovered alcoholic's fav in front of them & telling them not to drink...but I have Never cut with that knife...
Weird....
I think this has become a ramble so back to the topic.

how Do YOU stop yourself? what do u do when nothing seems to work?