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Old 09-21-2010, 08:24 AM   #1
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Default Dating and Race

I am a bit backwards socially, as many of you know well, and I am hoping for support and feedback here. When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone? Being shy and socially stunted tends to leave me seeming uncaring or uninterested because I don't bring up topics that I am unsure they are not appropriate. Like I'm the one the checkout clerks look up and see and think ok here's someone nice and they spill out their business to me right there. I am the type that will not even know how irritated the line becomes when I encourage said checker and practically have a therapy session right there. SO when someone else doesn't approach me with their feelings I am not very good at guess what they may view as the elephant in the room or I am ignoring the obvious... So I really need a group feedback on this... As the non poc in the situation when and who is best to begin the convo. Also just wanna add that to me its very important to know how she feels about it, if ever experienced it and be upfront about it being my first opportunity as no poc has yet liked me enough to pursue or date me.
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Old 09-21-2010, 10:00 AM   #2
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Um, Dragonfly, I'm a POC, and have to say that somewhere between the checkout line and how "she" feels about "it," I've gotten totally confused. What, exactly, are you asking?
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:55 PM   #3
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Dragonfly start at the beginning, your are confusing folks.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:15 PM   #4
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i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:18 PM   #5
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Default okay

Because everywhere I go (no exaggeration) people open up to me and talk so eaily to me THAT my personality is not a convo starter. I wait fror others to socially clue me to appropriate levels of sharing info. My problem here and now is that I do not want someone I like to think I SHOULD have Already mentioned it and that I either am ignoring it or not comfy about it. I am asking for input on others personal expp how these convos went for them ect. I should just have asked the person I like but I wanted a broader range of feedback because I am not socially adept.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM   #6
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Default thanks

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Originally Posted by dark_crystal View Post
i have never found that initiating a discussion is needed. The POCs i have been with have all shared their experiences voluntarily, and just listening in all that was needed. In my experience, the stories have been different with each person
That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM   #7
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Maybe approaching someone as a human first and a POC second would be a good idea. Everyone has had different life experiences so that makes every individual different. Yes most POC have had similar experiences as far as discrimination and stuff goes, but as individuals have dealt with them in their own way. I honestly don't know what you're asking but answered in the best way I could decipher the question.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:24 PM   #8
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When is the socially appropriate stage to discuss racial differences when dating someone?
Hi Dragonfly...

Is this the question that you are looking for input on?
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:27 PM   #9
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Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:28 PM   #10
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That was my natural feeling on it for sure... But I have read a lot of stuff here about how it shouldn't be her (a poc) job to come to me or to educate me and I was unduly confused that my priveledge perspective was clouding my judgement. I do care and want to know everything not just that.. thanks for sharing your experience!
I think I can understand why this person said this to you.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:54 PM   #11
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Conversations are one of the biggest keys to any relationship, whether it be friends or more. Sparking up a conversation is easier than you may think. If I can't think of anything to say, I normally ask an off the wall question to get that person thinking. Such as, If you had to choose to be an apple or an orange for a whole day, which one would you choose and why? Femmes normally choose apples because they normally have makeup that goes better with the color red. Think of a clever response, because once she answers, she will more than likely ask you the same. Eye contact goes along with conversations. Those who talk to you while not looking at you.... well, most likely they aren't into you or they may be shy depending on the rest of the body language. Now race should never play a part in the conversation at first. Just go with the flow and don't worry about all that. If you are dating someone of a different race, why would there be a conversation on racial differences? If you are dating them, then you obviously like them, right? So why even bring it up? Just saying.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:58 PM   #12
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Default yeah thanks

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about what type (I D) they are attracted to. Just great...
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:05 PM   #13
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I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about I'd they are attracted to. Just great...

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:06 PM   #14
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Red face

I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.


Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

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Old 09-21-2010, 02:07 PM   #15
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Are you are asking if you should bring up the differences in your skin colors or social backgrounds? I think some of it is pretty obvious. If the person you want to date is of a different race than you, then I think they are aware of it, and will open up to you when they feel comfortable enough with you to do so. As to social backgrounds it may take longer.
Who knows, ask the person you are interested in.
Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:12 PM   #16
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Just speaiking about someone I want to date and finding out if I am their type. That's it. Not about our differences but about dating me be new or already experienced it kind of wondering. That's it.

If you want to date them, date them you don't need our permission or advice. The person in question will let you know if you are their "type".
Try to relax, and just be yourself.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:25 PM   #17
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Default thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow View Post
I hate apples!

I do enjoy it when someone (be they
friend, lover, or mate) invests time
in getting to know my experiences, tragedies, and
triumphs as WOC.

I would hope whomever it is DOES
do their homework on their own and
doesn't rely on said POC's to educate
and make it more comfy for you.


Hope this helps.

P.S.~~~~. Tim Wise.org

Yes!! I may not have a clue but I thought that was what I was trying to do here.
Sorry everyone. A very unnecessary thread obviously... And she is encouraging me to ask more questions and I thot I was missing some hint like I was supposed to ask that one too but there were more important things for me to know and we only had a short time to visit. She won't ask me out anyway. I see that now.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:37 PM   #18
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Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.

If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:49 PM   #19
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If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol
hahahahaha oh honey, have no fear, we have all had those kind of freeze ups around people we are attracted to... it will get a lil' easier with time.

Just be yourself and let the dating fun begin!
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:51 PM   #20
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Red face

You sound like a really nice person, someone
worthy of that will come along soon enough
__________________
"If youíre going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. Itís all about turning back into an animal and thatís the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldnít do. If youíre going to be gross then go for it and donít wimp out."---Master Aiden
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