Making Amends...Question/Input request

pajama · 01-22-2015, 08:30 PM

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

SleepyButch · 01-22-2015, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pajama

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

How about not even addressing the apology and just saying something like I'm happy to see you take steps to make your life better. Isn't that what the apology is about? Part of the program? That way you acknowledge her progress but don't have to accept the apology.

Just a thought anyway.

JDeere · 01-22-2015, 08:35 PM

I am dealing with this issue myself, as of 3 days ago. I feel similar to you about not accepting the apology and holding grudges.

However, I have had someone not accept my apology, it hurt me to be honest, because that person was very special to me, at one time.

I hope you find what you are needing, just know you aren't alone.

Keep Smilin · 01-22-2015, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pajama

Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across.

Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other.

Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me.

Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet).

I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond.

Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this?

While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for.

Thanks to any that feel like replying.

A

I have had this happen in my 9th step work. I too respect the program and the growth it takes to attempt an amense. An amense does not have to be accepted to be considered a "success". We make them as a part of our healing process not necessarily as a way to "mend fences". Our healing is in the sincerity of offering the amense. What someone does with it, how they react or wheat her they accept it is out of our control. The outcome is just what it is and learning to accept that some of the pain we caused may not be "fixable" is part of our process. Not everything comes out roses sometimes the damage is done unfortunately. Usually someone making an amense is working with a sponsor and they have prepared them for the possibility it might not work. They will also help them with any fallout emotionally.

So I say.. Be as gentle as possible and respectful if you can but most of all be HONEST. Honesty heals both sides no matter how "bad" it may Feel at the time. Be true to yourself and don't say things you don't mean. Honor the program and the step work by taking part in the process with your friend or ex- friend.

Hope this is helpful to you! Hang in there!

*Anya* · 01-22-2015, 09:12 PM

I can only give feedback as someone that has heard my clients working their program and making their own amends.

Frequently, they will tell me that someone that they cared about heard or received their amends.

Many of my clients do not expect forgiveness-depending on how badly that they burned a particular bridge.

A simple, "Thank you for telling me", is all that they heard in return and for many; it was all that they needed to hear.

candy_coated_bitch · 01-22-2015, 09:33 PM

In my opinion, you shouldn't force yourself to forgive someone or accept their apology if you don't. I've had falling outs with certain people in my past that I don't think I'd ever really want to forgive, per se. So I get it. You have a right to your feelings. Forgiveness is kind of a tricky subject but I'm pretty sure it's not something you can FORCE yourself to do. It doesn't sound like you want that.

I would say if you feel you really must acknowledge the email do so in a short, genuine way that feels comfortable to you. You can acknowledge that they are doing important work for themselves without having to necessarily be accepting of what they are telling you. I would probably say something along the lines of being glad they are in the program and taking important steps to improve their life and wish them luck. Why even address the incident that happened at all?

princessbelle · 01-22-2015, 09:37 PM

I want to first say i have absolutely no knowledge of the "steps" of these programs but being in health care i do know they work and they are healing and are wonderful with the majority of good outcomes for most people. So, i mean no disrespect and am only speaking from my own perspective.

Having said that, i also know that i've seen, for myself personally, they can do harm. Case in point; someone i knew, long, long ago, proclaimed to be "coming clean" with their conscience in a "step" program and asked for forgiveness for something that was a total lie and never happened. I know this makes no sense. It didn't to me either. But, at the same time it caused hurt. I don't think that these steps to recovery of any type are ever intended to hurt another and if they do, you are doing it wrong. Maybe i'm totally wrong about it, but it just wouldn't make sense if you can cause hurt or harm to another while making yourself better.

So, my dear Pajama, *my* humble advice is this...don't give it much thought. Whoever this person is, it's their path to ask for forgiveness and move into recovery. That does not translate into your obligation to succumb to an acceptance of forgiveness or even acknowledgement of the intent. It's "their journey", apparently they are doing the right things for THEM, and i wish them well as i know you do. They have accomplished what they needed to do. It's not your cross to bear. Walk away from said email and ....Let it be.

QueenofSmirks · 01-22-2015, 09:54 PM

Would it feel more comfortable / truthful for you to say "I appreciate your apology" along with whatever else you want to say? I share others' sentiments about your own feelings being valid, and I applaud your honesty and trying to be true to yourself.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-22-2015, 10:15 PM

Forgiveness means you do not expect "payment" for something you are owed. You can forgive someone and want nothing to do with them. People seem to think forgiveness means kittens and butterflys. It doesn't. It just means you no longer want something from them in reparation for damages. Doesn't mean you want anything to do with them.
Personally, if you want to be supportive and don't want to hurt them? but you just don't trust them to interact with them? sounds like you already have forgiven them their debt. You just have no desire to be their friend.

Two different things.

I personally wouldn't acknowledge the email. The email is actually not for you. It for them to do the hard work of acknowledging what they have done and how it impacts others and to apologise sincerely. A sincere apology is not made with an agenda. It's not made to fix anything or repair relationships. A sincere apology is an acknowledgement of damage.

Recently someone apologised to me for some very unacceptable behaviour. I said "yes, I expect you are quite embarrassed and sorry. That was pretty shit. I'd be embarrassed and sorry too" I was under no obligation to make them feel better about acting like an idiot. I forgave them in the sense I did not want anything from them to make up for their behaviour. But I no longer wanted anything to do with them in a certain aspect of my life. I forgave, but I don't trust and have no want or use. I wish them well, but I have no desire to interact past a certain level.
Your friend's apology is their own business. You don't even have to acknowledge it if you don't want to. If you do, then just say what you mean. You are glad they are in recovery. You wish them well. That's it.

01-22-2015, 08:30 PM	#1
pajama Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Klingon Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Just South of Nashvegas Baby Posts: 3,115 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,546 Thanked 7,480 Times in 1,809 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Making Amends...Question/Input request Hi everyone. I am looking for some positive feedback on an issue I have come across. Briefly - I had two very close friends years ago that we had a major altercation and haven't spoken in years. What was done doesn't really matter, we all contributed in some way. I feel I was wronged and I hold a grudge. (Good, bad, mature, or not, it is how I am.) We do not speak, have not in over six years, do not communicate with each other. Today I received an e-mail from one of them saying she had stopped drinking and smoking (weed) and was working a program. She is making amends and apologized for her part in what happened. Basically apologizing for judging me. Here is my dilemma. I am all for someone working their program and recovery. So I want to acknowledge this step and apology. But did I mention I hold a grudge? I don't feel I can say "I accept your apology". I am not at a place yet to forgive (hell I'm still holding a grudge against someone else that's over 20 years old, so our 6-7 years isn't even a start yet). I don't want to ignore it, or be a bitch or throw it in her face. I may not respect or like her, but I respect the hell out of the program. And for that I feel I must respond. Would some of you please share with me if you ever had anyone not accept your apology. Or what would be a supportive way to respond to this? While some of you may feel just forgiving her is the solution, that's not an option. While you're free to express that opinion, it really won't help me in this situation and help is what I'm asking for. Thanks to any that feel like replying. A

01-22-2015, 08:35 PM	#3
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,871 Times in 9,718 Posts Rep Power: 21474863	I am dealing with this issue myself, as of 3 days ago. I feel similar to you about not accepting the apology and holding grudges. However, I have had someone not accept my apology, it hurt me to be honest, because that person was very special to me, at one time. I hope you find what you are needing, just know you aren't alone. __________________ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

01-22-2015, 09:12 PM	#5
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,791 Times in 7,290 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I can only give feedback as someone that has heard my clients working their program and making their own amends. Frequently, they will tell me that someone that they cared about heard or received their amends. Many of my clients do not expect forgiveness-depending on how badly that they burned a particular bridge. A simple, "Thank you for telling me", is all that they heard in return and for many; it was all that they needed to hear. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

01-22-2015, 09:33 PM	#6
candy_coated_bitch Pixie Stick How Do You Identify?: The arteest formerly known as musicfemme. Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Happily taken. Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Northampton, MA Posts: 11,293 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,723 Thanked 32,098 Times in 6,125 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	In my opinion, you shouldn't force yourself to forgive someone or accept their apology if you don't. I've had falling outs with certain people in my past that I don't think I'd ever really want to forgive, per se. So I get it. You have a right to your feelings. Forgiveness is kind of a tricky subject but I'm pretty sure it's not something you can FORCE yourself to do. It doesn't sound like you want that. I would say if you feel you really must acknowledge the email do so in a short, genuine way that feels comfortable to you. You can acknowledge that they are doing important work for themselves without having to necessarily be accepting of what they are telling you. I would probably say something along the lines of being glad they are in the program and taking important steps to improve their life and wish them luck. Why even address the incident that happened at all? __________________ My Etsy Shop My Patreon My Website

01-22-2015, 09:37 PM	#7
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,503 Times in 5,201 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I want to first say i have absolutely no knowledge of the "steps" of these programs but being in health care i do know they work and they are healing and are wonderful with the majority of good outcomes for most people. So, i mean no disrespect and am only speaking from my own perspective. Having said that, i also know that i've seen, for myself personally, they can do harm. Case in point; someone i knew, long, long ago, proclaimed to be "coming clean" with their conscience in a "step" program and asked for forgiveness for something that was a total lie and never happened. I know this makes no sense. It didn't to me either. But, at the same time it caused hurt. I don't think that these steps to recovery of any type are ever intended to hurt another and if they do, you are doing it wrong. Maybe i'm totally wrong about it, but it just wouldn't make sense if you can cause hurt or harm to another while making yourself better. So, my dear Pajama, my humble advice is this...don't give it much thought. Whoever this person is, it's their path to ask for forgiveness and move into recovery. That does not translate into your obligation to succumb to an acceptance of forgiveness or even acknowledgement of the intent. It's "their journey", apparently they are doing the right things for THEM, and i wish them well as i know you do. They have accomplished what they needed to do. It's not your cross to bear. Walk away from said email and ....Let it be. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

01-22-2015, 09:54 PM	#8
QueenofSmirks Member How Do You Identify?: Just Me Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Busy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Phoenix - Valley of the Sun Posts: 1,429 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,010 Thanked 2,920 Times in 879 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Would it feel more comfortable / truthful for you to say "I appreciate your apology" along with whatever else you want to say? I share others' sentiments about your own feelings being valid, and I applaud your honesty and trying to be true to yourself. __________________ Stephanie "There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way." Christopher Morley

01-22-2015, 10:15 PM	#9
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,727 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Forgiveness means you do not expect "payment" for something you are owed. You can forgive someone and want nothing to do with them. People seem to think forgiveness means kittens and butterflys. It doesn't. It just means you no longer want something from them in reparation for damages. Doesn't mean you want anything to do with them. Personally, if you want to be supportive and don't want to hurt them? but you just don't trust them to interact with them? sounds like you already have forgiven them their debt. You just have no desire to be their friend. Two different things. I personally wouldn't acknowledge the email. The email is actually not for you. It for them to do the hard work of acknowledging what they have done and how it impacts others and to apologise sincerely. A sincere apology is not made with an agenda. It's not made to fix anything or repair relationships. A sincere apology is an acknowledgement of damage. Recently someone apologised to me for some very unacceptable behaviour. I said "yes, I expect you are quite embarrassed and sorry. That was pretty shit. I'd be embarrassed and sorry too" I was under no obligation to make them feel better about acting like an idiot. I forgave them in the sense I did not want anything from them to make up for their behaviour. But I no longer wanted anything to do with them in a certain aspect of my life. I forgave, but I don't trust and have no want or use. I wish them well, but I have no desire to interact past a certain level. Your friend's apology is their own business. You don't even have to acknowledge it if you don't want to. If you do, then just say what you mean. You are glad they are in recovery. You wish them well. That's it.