Dating "non single" people

[WheelieStrong]

Ok so the guy i'm so very in love with is not single, but he sees his bf regularly, does not live with him..

My Head says run an don't stop running.
My Heart says i don't care, i love him, this is definitely love and the rest will work itself out.

i chat to his mum regularly too so he's not hiding me or anything.

But my reason for this post isn't him, it's me (mostly)..

i really am in love (yes i'm a fool!) we talk every night, text all day, (and not just about sex lol) and he's coming over to spend new year with me, so even with the few issues i have, i am not debating my current relationship.

However..

I "always" (like 90% of the time) want or fall for people i can't have, can't physically be with or are "non single"

i already worry a lot about quite litterally everything i can seem to find anything to worry about, so i keep trying not to worry about this.

i know this makes me a bad guy, but what's going on???

My first ever relationship was with a married woman but to be fair to myself, i do need to say, she let me beleive she was free and single, let me fall for her then told me she was married with two kiddies.. Talk about starting as you mean to go on.

[Peach]

A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

[Blade]

I heard that! Great observation and great advice!

Originally Posted by guest

A relationship that starts in cheating, ends in cheating, at least thats how *I* feel. If this guys other partner knows about you, and is ok with you seeing each other, fine. But if they DONT know then respect the relationship and stay out of it.

[DomnNC]

If all parties involved know of each other then so be it, but if they don't, shame for shame.

Put the shoes on your feet, would you want someone sneaking around behind your back with your boyfriend?

Lastly, it appears you are protecting yourself, ie, what are you so afraid of that you can't go out and cultivate your own relationship with someone who is single? What are you afraid of? Perhaps a little therapy would be in order to figure that out. That would be time more wisely spent than interfering in an established relationship. Just my thoughts.

[WheelieStrong]

hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

[Deborah]

You obviously realize this isnt acceptable or attractive behavior or you wouldnt have posted....if you are unable to afford therapy or want to try another route...look into Codependents Anonymous, free meetings and can go or do online just about anytime...there may be some self esteem issues or other things that cause you to choose these types of relationships....just a sugestion

[citybutch]

I think you just answered your own question.

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

hi, thank you for all your replies, i beleive every single one of you have made good points!

I guess my ex has a lot to do with this too.. We still live together (she is also my paid care staff) although we haven't been a couple for many years, some friends beleive she is the reason i seem to attract or be attracted to non single folk, one example i was given is, my friend beleived if i went for a non single person, they couldn't (apparently) expect me to change my living situation etc.

i know for sure my ex is the reason i posted here instead of talking to an in the flesh person.. i know for sure that even though she likes the chap i am seeing, she is so obviously jealous (which i don't understand).. i don't want to talk to her about this, which normally i would cause all my friends are online..

But that would be rubbing her nose in the situation, right?

And i worry about telling her anything less than flattering about my situation as she already has the power to make my life a living hell!!!

i don't want her to have anything to use against this chap!

i am trying to get therapy, just waiting to hear back from the relivent people

[princessbelle]

I sure am not an expert by any means. But, you post asking for advice/opinions so here is mine:

Follow your head. Sounds like real committment (an observation, not a judgement) is maybe an issue by wanting someone you can't have. That may be what YOU want and need. But, what about them and what you are doing to their lives/lovers?

Stay clear, don't pass go, don't keep stirring the pot......for everyone's sake.
It smells "trouble".


Perhaps, one day, a relationship will come along that is free and clear and open and honest for EVERYONE involved. You may be ready at that point. Then, in my humble opinion, call it "love".

Just my .2.

Good luck to you.

[atomiczombie]

It seems pretty dysfunctional to date/fall in love with people who are committed to someone else. Maybe it's you who aren't available, and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere. Doing what you are doing now is just asking for a shit load of drama. Drop him. That's my .02

[Soft*Silver]

I have been the woman at home, waiting for her man to leave his mistress.

it sucks. Its the worst imaginable pain. And I still bear emotional scars from it.

I am not emotionally available because of this so I am staying out of relationships. I would rather be alone on my own than lonely in a bad relationship, and I wont do to some other person what was done to me. I wont take someone else's partner.

take what you want from my post. Or take nothing. You are the only one who will determine if you will hear wisdom or act on your own design...

[Martina]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

and you just want something without any real chance of a relationship, have you thought of that? If so, then just date poly people who have primaries, or just date single people with the understanding that it won't go anywhere

i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

[theoddz]

Wheelie, I don't think I can really add anything much to what's already been offered here by so many others. I do want to say one thing to reinforce my idea on this situation.

There used to be a dyke bar in Jacksonville, FL, that was owned and run by a very wise older Butch named "Jo". She had owned that bar for many,many years and she packed a .38 Special in the back waistband of her jeans. Jo always knew as much about what was going on out in the parking lot as she did about what was going on inside the bar.

Over the cash register was a sign that said, "A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey". I've never forgotten that in all these years. Jo died so many years ago and that bar no longer stands, but that little sign of hers contained some of the best advice that anyone has ever given me. Good luck and think carefully before making a potentially disastrous decision. People have gotten shot over things like this.

Theo

[SouthernStud]

Been there, done that...am currently in same situation with my "gf" but she claims to only still be with her daughters father for their daughter...that im the ine shes in love with. HOWEVER...im her best kept secret short of the few trusted friends we share. Im hidden from her family, HER friends, her coworkers...and even the one that does know about us,she denies that we have been together the past 4months..soon to be 5months. She " is waiting for the appropriate time" to end the 11yr relationship with her daughters father. They are NOT married. In fact hes never even asked her to marry him in 11yrs. The question is...Will there ever be an appropriate time for her to leave? My thought is no cuz theres never a "good" time to break up,unless its an abusive relationship. I no longer consider it a relationship between us cuz of the fact she still sleeps with him on the occassion she cant avoid it any longer and he raises hell cuz she wont. Im her first..yes i flipped her real quick! Be careful with ur heart...like me,it may not end the way we want things to be. I can fully sympathize and empathize with u here. I know exactly what ur going through!!! Do what u feel is best...no matter how hard it may be...i will be making the same step very soon! Much love to ya

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Martina

i am poly, and i see people who have primaries, and these are real relationships that definitely go somewhere. Intimacy is as intense as it is in any relationship. Committment is just as real.

I think that people that are poly are perhaps more committed in a sense. Looking at boundaries and good communication is essential. It is in any relationship but I've noticed that poly people really "get it".

I would be poly for sure if I didn't need to be the center of the universe! lol I couldnt share because its all about ME! Try as I may that always takes over any analytical thinking. lol

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

Wowwow. Are you still taking your meds? I am a self-imposed, egoless, celibate, who could care less who is cheating on me and with whom, because there is nothing I need from anyone. I have primary and secondary co-dependents and am able to care for both without all this drama. In fact, I'd take on a few more if I knew they could handle me lol.

Was this meant to be rude by asking if Wheelie Strong was taking his meds? I'm asking because I found it rude, but perhaps there is underlying information that I don't have.Or are you the BF?

Confused.

[Arwen]

What he does with someone else, he will do with you. I don't share at all so I wouldn't be near this situation. I say respect yourself and walk away.

I've done some things where I co-opted my own sense of self-respect. Told myself it didn't matter. Well, years later, it still matters.

You are better than someone's second thought, Wheelie. You deserve more than being the one who waits. You deserve all of his attention or he deserves none of yours.

It's hard when you love someone, but you need to love you more. Hugs.

Bottom line for me? It's better to be alone than to be forgotten.

[Sachita]

Betrayal is an awful thing. The love of my life, or so I thought betrayed me cheating and it deeply wounded me. Today you gotta jump through major hoops to get and keep my attention. I don't care how hot or horny someone makes me if they are unable to give me complete devotion, only have eyes for me, treat me like I'm the only girl then I won't be interested. I have standards and these standards won't allow what he's doing to you. Someone else might be more open- after all you don't really have a commitment and it seems to some degree you're both encumbered but as with almost any relationship someone invests faster and deeper.

I had a situation not long ago where someone caught my interest. They were recently single after a long relationship. I decided to investigate but take it really slow. There was a part of me that wanted to leap and to be honest my lust motor was full throttle. lol But there was no way in hell I was going to get hung up in drama nor settle for less then what I deserve. Soon into the exchange I learn that although broken up there's still an ex lingering in the background AND I then hear a confession that the EX ended it because HY cheated. Hy completed admitted it and said it was a mistake.

BYE BYE BABY GOODBYE - deal breaker

I don't hang with liars and cheaters even friends. I damn sure wouldn't commit to them or fuck them.