Beyond Owning It...

[Elijah]

I have been thinking lately that we (as a species) are very quick to point out flaws in others, but make a lesser effort at shining that spotlight on own part of what is going on.

This thread is for those brave enough to step up and own their own "stuff", but I want to take it a step further. Now that we have identified what the issue is (or your part of it) now what will you do about it? How will you affect some change in your own life?

So if it's an "ism" you struggle with, or a character flaw, or ??, here is where you can put it out there, own it, and get focused on what your next step is in some self-growth or perhaps solicit some advice from your fellow community members. Please refrain from giving advice if it isn't asked for.

Also, please remember that putting yourself out there is a very brave and difficult thing to do, so please be kind to each other. Take time to read and hear each other, and ask questions if need be.

I didn't put this thread in the red-zone because I think it's important that we behave, so that everyone can feel safe and heard.

~Elijah

[lettertodaddy]

I freely admit my 'ism' is FtMs and how they fit into my ideas of lesbian community. How am I working on it? Listening to people. Keeping an open mind. Being honest when my preconceived notions are coming in to play. Shutting up. Watching. Learning. And hopefully through all of that, I'll find space within myself to broaden my horizons.

[paintedleofemme]

I have anger issues, while I control it almost all the time I know its not good and what the anger does to me and my loved ones when I loose control, not physically abusive, but verbal is just as bad.

[Gráinne]

This seems appropriate, as I usually have my New Year's in September rather than the dark and gloom of January. Everything just seems so...refreshed.

I'm sloppy. When my home is sloppy, my mind is sloppy, too. Then I find that whatever I'm doing is half-assed and sloppy, too. This feeds in to my disorganziation. I worked all weekend and well into today to get my home right. Long way to go, but I can see progress .

I dealt with financial sloppiness, too. I went on a cash-only basis for everything but automatic pays, and set up a tracker. I think I'm spending less already.

I even have sloppiness of body. It's time to rejoin the gym (a nice one, with a pool), and get out and walk now that it's cooler.

I think it's possible to be sloppy with friendships, as well. I want more than just emails; I want snail mail, too. But I have to give to receive. I need to call my family a lot more to catch up, and the same with my closest friends. I need to really listen to my kids instead of half-listening while doing or watching something else.

Everything that I don't like about myself or my life ties in in some way with my sloppiness or laziness, and accepting far less than excellence. This isn't the example I wanted to set.

[Cin]

I don’t like to give up. Degree of difficulty for me is not a deterrent, quite the contrary. I seem to enjoy a challenge and keep at it until I’m successful. Or until I am satisfied that I never will be successful and it is in my best interest to let it go.

In theory this doesn’t sound like a character defect. However, in practice (at least the way I practice it) it really is. It is exhausting, albeit for those closest to me more than for me.

And while it is up to me how hard and how long I want to keep working at stuff, this way I have of being relentless effects my interactions with others as well. It translates into a certain doggedness that people find off putting. I am nothing if not persistent in my dealings with others. I have, more times than I care to remember, been told things like, “You’re like a dog with a bone”, “I feel like I’m being interrogated, wanna back off”, “Beat a dead horse much” and a variety of other similar sentiments. Apparently my stick-to-it- ness likes to recruit. I seem to think everyone wants to keep at something until they get it all worked out, or until they puke, whichever comes first.

I do the same thing when it comes to working through disagreements or understanding clearly exactly what someone else is trying to say to me. Or, and I am sure this is infinitely more annoying, I want to be perfectly clear regarding what I am trying to say to someone else and I want to be absolutely sure they understand. I want to keep at it until everything becomes clear. In the moment I’m so certain that everyone is invested in this.

I don’t know why I think that, since there is considerable evidence to the contrary. And it’s not like a secret I have to discover or a puzzle I have to work out, plenty of people, including my wife, have told me quite clearly (clear enough even for a clarity freak like me) that they are not interested in pursuing things until the tops of their heads explode. Yet there I am trying to make a case for why it will be fun and interesting or at least satisfying to get to the bottom of something or other. I am trying to figure out what is in it for me to keep this behavior up. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head nobody wants to be harassed and that’s how what I am doing feels for them. I’m really trying to not do this.

I just read this to my wife and she said and I quote “Fabulous news”.

[Nat]

Even when I wake up late, I still come here before work. I may have to remove battery and cords from computer and hide them from myself.

[WickedFemme]

I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks

[Elijah]

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.

Originally Posted by WickedFemme

I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks

[WickedFemme]

Originally Posted by ElijahRene

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.

Good advice Elijah. I am going to do that.

[sweetfemme247]

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[Elijah]

I would ask 1. do you find this problematic and if so 2. what will you do to affect some change?

Originally Posted by sweetfemme247

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[Elijah]

I have a tendency to think whatever group I am a part of is somehow superior to whatever the "other" group is, i.e. kinky is better than vanilla, butches who date femmes are better than those who date other butches, etc., etc. and of course it's all utter nonsense. I know intellectually it simply isn't true, but sometimes My ego get's the best of Me and it's complete rubbish.

So first, My apologizes to vanilla and butch loving butches everywhere.

Second, I plan to do some self examination around these and other issues and continue to remind Myself what utter crap that is when My ego takes Me down that path.

~Elijah

[WickedFemme]

Thanks Elijah - that is such a tough one (the ego). I recall being all about being in the 'in crowd', etc. Even in the context of the bdsm community it used to be important to me. I don't know what changed for me - perhaps I just got burned out on it all or something or maybe I got more comfortable with myself. I know that now my self-esteem is much higher than it's been in years and I am very content with my life. It's just not that important to me anymore to be part of the crowd or a particular group. I found that those things didn't provide me what I really needed in my life nor did it make me feel any better about myself. Actually, it made me feel worse about myself being part of the crowd or around people who were so judgemental and mean, etc. I've simplified my life, stopped going to social events and stopped having expectations of others. Reality is a better place to live, my life is simpler with very good quality friends. I really am starting to understand that quality is better than quantify. I am also understanding that the most important things in life are not the things. Maybe it's that I am getting older and using my energy more wisely these days.

This is a great thread you started. thanks! I sure hope you were asking for a response to your last post