How to be a femme ally

[Nat]

Whether or not you are a femme, how do you think we best be femme allies?
If you are a femme, are you an ally to your fellow femmes and to yourself?
What about our transfemmes?

[atomiczombie]

I am not Femme (lol obviously) but I try to be an ally by:

1. Being a good listener. I listen to what they have to say and try to see things from their perspective.

2. Respect their points of view and accept that they know themselves better than I ever could.

3. Don't make assumptions about someone just because they self-identify as Femme.

4. Keep in mind that there are as many ways to be Femme as there are Femmes. Any one way isn't any better than another. It's just different.

5. Respect the rights of Femmes to have their own spaces and not try to invade theirs.

6. Speak up when someone says something bigoted or sexist or ignorant or rude about Femmes or to a Femme.



P.S. I hope it's okay that I posted here even though it is the Femme Zone. If not, I apologize.

[julieisafemme]

Drew you can post anywhere you want as far as I am concerned because you are always respectful even if I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me. You are a femme ally!

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I am not Femme (lol obviously) but I try to be an ally by:

1. Being a good listener. I listen to what they have to say and try to see things from their perspective.

2. Respect their points of view and accept that they know themselves better than I ever could.

3. Don't make assumptions about someone just because they self-identify as Femme.

4. Keep in mind that there are as many ways to be Femme as there are Femmes. Any one way isn't any better than another. It's just different.

5. Respect the rights of Femmes to have their own spaces and not try to invade theirs.

6. Speak up when someone says something bigoted or sexist or ignorant or rude about Femmes or to a Femme.



P.S. I hope it's okay that I posted here even though it is the Femme Zone. If not, I apologize.

[Nat]

Thread is open to all.

[Medusa]

Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic!

Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes".

At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other).

But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart.

These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink.

These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches.

See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers.

I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself.

My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work.

Those are the women who get my time and my heart.

Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking.

Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach.

Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits".

All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls.

[Medusa]

How about some practical stuff?!

A Femme Ally:

* is going to tell you when you've tucked your skirt into your panties or sat in ketchup while wearing a white dress!

* is going to revel in your way of being Femme while maintaining and cherishing her own!

* is going to celebrate your accomplishments!

* is going to pull you off to the side and say "What the fuck are you doing working 2 jobs to support that Butch?"

* is going to know the difference between the stuff you share with your Butch and the stuff you share with your Sisters!

[princessbelle]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh i love the lists!!!!!

I've gained some FABULOUS femme ally relationships this past year and i seriously don't know how i survived without them before that. They are not all necessarily femmes themselves either.

Some more "things".

A Femme Ally:

~ Will tell you "you f*cked up" and help you figure out a way to "unf*ck it".

~ Will hold your hand when you cry just cause you feel like crying.

~ Will keep reminding you how strong you are, even when you don't feel like it.

~ Will advise you when you ask but knows you will make your own decision and be happy for you when you do.

~ Will listen intently when the sound of your voice changes and she/hy/he just "knows" this is important to you even when it seems trivial.

~ Will always answer the phone when you call or at least call you back. It's something you can count on.

~ Will remind you they think you are beautiful. No matter how fat or ugly or bitchy you feel that day.

~ Will just always be there, when the rest of the world has let you down and you feel you don't have a soul who understands.....a femme ally does.

[persiphone]

Originally Posted by Medusa

Wow! How did I miss this thread?! GREAT thread topic!

Years ago, someone that I loved very much told me that there was a world where you had "Femme's Femmes" and "Butch's Femmes".

At first, I bucked that idea because it felt like reinforcing all of the negative shit that we are fed from day one about how women are supposed to hate each other (or at least mistrust each other).

But yanno? I look at the women who have access to my heart and can say without at doubt that these are women who would never put getting attention or validation from a random Butch (or mine) over our friendship or my heart.

These are women I would trust to sleep naked next to my partner and would never blink.

These are women who I know to exercise good boundaries when it comes to seeking validation from others, and specifically, Butches.

See, I think that we sometimes don't like to talk about the fact that there are Femmes among us who try to heal whatever cracks they have with the mortar of Butch attention. Because sometimes attention equals attraction. And sex equals love. And love fills the cracks within us that are formed by our Mommas and Daddies, Family, and Lovers.

I have to love those Femmes from a distance. That whole "letting go with love" thing because I have been that Femme and understand what kind of hard work it takes to work toward being enough for oneself.

My allies are going to look like Femme's Femmes - Women who are interested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with other Femmes even when it's a lot of work.

Those are the women who get my time and my heart.

Those are the women who I am going to call on when my partner dies and I am grieving so deeply that my marrow is cracking.

Those are the women that I will freely fuck up in front of and accept, with gratitude, the lessons they have to teach.

Some people call them "heart friends". Some call them "kindred spirits".

All I know is that I am a better Femme when surrounded by my girls.

here, here! i can't say enough about my femme friends and sisters. i crave them and they bring something to my life that i can't get anywhere else. i strive to bring as much to theirs. *cheers*

[persiphone]

my list is for the femme's femmes

~she knows not to get personal with your partner
~she's gracious when you fall apart
~she makes you laugh when you wanna scream
~she can tactfully guide you when you're being a little.....off
~she loves your ugly pants
~she has no hidden agendas
~she practices acceptance instead of envy
~she says nothing about the fact that you snort when you laugh
~she says just the right thing at just the right time
~she will stick up for a girl, even the ones she may not like

this describes my close femme friends whom i love dearly and would do anything for. they are not your average femme and i know this, so i cherish them with grace and i'd fight to the death for each of them. someone's got to.

[Soft*Silver]

I love these lists! So perfectly said and sums up exactly what I expect from a femme ally. I see a pattern about partners being off limits...thats a huge one for me! But what is more important is the incredible caring of each other that I hear in these lists. Being nurtured and Present and loved. But not just easily..sometimes when its hard and difficult too.

We have some quality people on this forum!

[Apocalipstic]

I really never thought about this until the reunion this year. Arwen started the Femme Brigade thread and it really made me think about my Femme friends and how we can support each other.

Then being around my Femme friends at the reunion filled me with such love and support, I came home and am trying to reach out to Femme friends and aquaintances and be an ally.

Love you Nat! Great thread!

[girl_dee]

Femme alliances go deep.

I don't have many close femme friendships but the ones i have, are deep.

[pinkgeek]

What persi said +

++she texts and calls on a crap day just to say hello and talk strategy
++she doesn't mind hanging out in pajamas
++she is a cheerleader
++she loans and borrows shoes, kitchen equipment, books
++she is fierce and inspiring!
++she introduces you to new and interesting things
++she isn't afraid to talk politics



My femme friends are amazing, diverse, kind and incredibly smart. In a zombie apocalypse they are who I'll team up with.

Originally Posted by persiphone

my list is for the femme's femmes

~she knows not to get personal with your partner
~she's gracious when you fall apart
~she makes you laugh when you wanna scream
~she can tactfully guide you when you're being a little.....off
~she loves your ugly pants
~she has no hidden agendas
~she practices acceptance instead of envy
~she says nothing about the fact that you snort when you laugh
~she says just the right thing at just the right time
~she will stick up for a girl, even the ones she may not like

this describes my close femme friends whom i love dearly and would do anything for. they are not your average femme and i know this, so i cherish them with grace and i'd fight to the death for each of them. someone's got to.

[persiphone]

life without femme swapping of books, kitchen equipment and shoes is an empty life indeed. and presents!!!! and coffee. in super gay mugs.

<---LOL

[persiphone]

i'm so excited i get to bake cookies with one of the most amazing femmes i know this holiday.

[Medusa]

I'd like to see this thread come alive again. So many wonderful things said here and so many great examples of what it looks like to be an ally!

[Talon]

I came across this thread just now...and I love *any* type of female empowering threads. I think being supportive of one another is so vital to our well-being as femmes, and as women...and especially for the bond that exists between us.
This is precious, and needs to be appreciated more. I want *all* of my femme and female sisters to feel important, uplifted, appreciated, and needed within my world...even if I don't always understand where they're coming from or agree w/ their pov. It honestly doesn't matter to me, it's far more important that we are a strong alliance, because the bottom line is...we need to be. The world is not always a kind place, so if we can't extend kindness to one another..well, that's just a damn shame...and we will never succeed in the many battles we must face as a community.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I expect the same level of comradery from anyone, regardless of gender, sexuality or ID. I used to have butch friends who I could count on for blah and femme mates I would ask for yaddah.
But it's become so mashed... straight girlie girls, tomboy straights, yoga-esque hippy lez, butch-to-me non-ID, straight male army, baby dyke with a guitar, femme, femme daddy, butch, old school butch, post modern butch, performance artist pro-domme....

I just expect all of them to show me a certain level of care... which is individual to the person. some people can show it by sitting up all night with me talking, some show they care by helping me with my garden and loaning me money for groceries. Some show they care by seeing a text I could use for school in a flea market and buying it for me. Some by letting me take care of them. Many by getting very protective (aw. thanks guys. I appreciate it, even though I know quite well I can look after myself, the fierceness of your desire to stop anyone from hurting me is very sweet).

push me hard, give me advice, listen, offer to help, laugh with me, laugh *at* me when I'm a dick, make me laugh when I'm scared or angry or sad, treat me valuable, pile on the compliments, sleep with me when I haven't been laid for a while (ahem, those special kind of friends), take me out for an ice cream, let me look after you when you need love and care.

[Quintease]

How to be a femme ally?

Don't assume we fuck men.

Don't look surprised if we get offended if you assume we fuck men.

Try to look past the hair/nails/shoes/dress/frills/whatever and realise from the outset that while she may not have the ''look'' you expect, you may still be looking at a woman who is just as (or more*) lesbian than you.


If you're a fellow femme, don't ask her to lend you her clothes if you don't intend to give them back


*'more' is a judgement to be sure, but when you've had absolute certainty about your lesbianism for 15+ years and you may even be a gold star (I'm not) it's really offensive for some 20-something lesbian (or man) to assume you're about to run off with the first bio-guy who clicks his finger at you.

[~ocean]

I love my femme sisters ... I am never jealous of their beauty inner or outer . I always compliament them ..and appreciate their exsistance i cam be friends w. all ages .. even tho i do like talking w. woman my own age. helps when u have to figure out some things ur going threw. ROCK ON Ladies )