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Old 05-09-2012, 03:32 PM   #41
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I am surprised with myself, that I never posted in here.
My mom passed in 2005 , three days after my younger sisters birthday.
It was me, who served her those last tiny morsels of food ( or should I say, begged her to eat and drink) at my sisters birthday party.
She hung on with all she had left ,for my sisters day.
I was unsure about taking my dog to the party (food-obsessed, golden retriever,couch potato) or to camp out there with me, during those last few days.
It turned out, that "Emma" ( my dog's name) was her last spoken word and seeing my dog was her last smile.
My dog and hers, barely left her side (but to pee) on her last days.
My dog was a bridge for us, in many ways. It's hard to fight with someone
who loves your dog as much as you. I had to go to the best "horse blinder place" I could muster and focus on staying there.
We were estranged for years, many times. Ten years, was the longest time.
Emma developed cancer herself a year after this and I had to put her down

I had to visualize mom and my dad both as kids who really did not GET what they needed either. Not nurtured and not given affection. My mom was an incest survivor from both her father and older brother.
People did not get help for shit like that, in her time.
Mom and I, made our peace and became very close in that last year.
I always wonder how different she would have been, without my father's control over her and her childhood history.
We all thought, Dad would be the first to go.
She saved my hide often from my fathers rage.
I learned to forgive her for all the times she just couldn't.
I was so close to being the boy he always wanted, and yet wasn't.

She used to insist on doing my laundry even as old as 35 , just to spend time with me.
Grieving her will always be a part of me, now it seems.
She deserves to be remembered like that and a big fancy embellished plaque on her drawer, up on the hill ,with the beautiful view.
I'm still trying to do this for her, seven years later.
This is gonna be THE year.
She spoiled me in many ways and I miss her something fucking awful.


spring time is the hardest for me
I try hard not to stuff it
With mothers day coming
and in June, her birthday (again)
it's been fucking impossible to stuff ,this year (THE year)

I went from black sheep my entire life to her favorite
with a phone call every day , quality time spent with her
and a razor (snort)
Morphine and a razor helped her (A LOT) not to worry (so fucking much) about what people thought about the hairy butch she gave birth to.
She couldnt see past my lip hair so I fixed it so she could and I would do it again. I grossed her out totally once when I yanked my first gray 1/4 inch long mustache hair and saved it for her. ( for humor purposes)
I'm sure she is ecstatic, that I'm shaving it daily.
I would love to hear her nag at me (like only a mother can) again about
pretty much anything.
Hairy lips on anyone ,were not her thing and I forgive her for that too.

All the good things that I am , I learned and got from her.
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:03 AM   #42
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My mom is really sick. It isn't going to get better and this is only the beginning. I am afraid and angry and not ready for this at all. We are not done yet, she and I, but I don't think any amount of time will be enough. I don't think I will ever be enough.

I lost my temper with her the other day and I am ashamed about it. I know she isn't quite herself. Those buttons when pushed just hurt so damn much. I don't know why I'm telling any of you this stuff. I'm not the kind to put my personal shit out there for attention. This isn't happening to me, but to her. I feel so small.
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:33 AM   #43
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Unhappy

My relationship has changed with mom..
I told her a while ago to stop hugging me..It felt uncomfortable..It hurt her feelings..I feel bad for that but i cant do it now..

She didnt stick up for me..
Things got distorted more than i can ever imagine in my life time..


snowballed..


s..
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:11 AM   #44
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my mom and i have a wierd but wonderful relationship...when i was a teenager she was VERY abusive...and i was her favorite target...

thousands of dollars of therapy later...i have gotten to the place where i have forgiven her...

right now...we have the best realtionship we've ever had...it's NO WHERE near perfect but it's good!...

i just have to say though...as far as unconditional love...that was my gramma...God i miss her!!
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:00 PM   #45
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Default Resurrecting this thread

I would describe my mom as a land mine. You never know when you stepped wrong and she would go off. But things have been good because I live 1500 miles away. Until recently, I would have said that we had a good relationship.
The key phrase "until recently".

So. I have been out for decades now. My wife and I had a commitment ceremony a long time ago. (I remember the event but not the year!) We got legally married in 2008 during the short window it was legal in California. I don't think about being gay or butch or any of that stuff anymore. Deborah and I hardly have any gay or lesbian friends, male or female, probably because our hobbies aren't that gay conducive. I hunt and fish in California where, in my experience, there is a prevalence of vegen and vegetarian lesbians. Deborah's hobby is competitive Dressage. In our daily lives, lesbian issues don't really come up.

Back to my mother. Deborah is an attorney. She does some legal work for a friend of ours mother who, in lieu of payment, offers us her condo on Catalina Island for a week. We decide to go on the week on my Birthday last February. My mom has been widowed a couple years now so we thought it would be fun for her to come to visit that part of California with us. Deborah has a gay nephew named Ramon in Southern California that we hardly see, so, he and his boyfriend, Shey, were invited as well.

I haven't spent much time with Ramon and Shey. I found them to be delightful, easy going young men. Shey has a big personality. He is very flamboyant and all the flaming queen adjectives. I just adore him.

So, back to my mother. After we leave the island and the first time my mother is alone with me, she starts putting down Shey. Saying that he is "just acting out" and "being a stereo type". She said he made her comfortable. Now, the first time she said these negative things, I just let it go. I probably said something like "if he is happy, who is he harming" so some such thing. Then a couple days later, after we had been back at my home, she brings it up again. This time she says that "if that is what Ramon wants in a partner then he should just get a woman".

I went off. I told her that her attitude is wrong. I don't know but suspect, that Deborah's relatives say the same about me. Why didn't Deborah just get a man! My mom flinched at that or maybe my anger. I don't know which. But I have taken this very personally. I have gone from talking to her everyday since my father's illness and subsequent death to calling maybe once a week.

Am I wrong to still be pissed? Am I wrong to think that she doesn't see Me? I am not the kind of person who holds a grudge but I am having a hard time forgiving my mom over this.
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:25 PM   #46
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Smile

I can't say my mom is the best mom in the world, she's made mistakes, and she doesn't always understand the trans thing. But every thing good in my life I got from her. I know she fought for me from minute one and I know without a doubt that although she may not always understand me she loves me and is proud of me and wants me to be happy.
~SAB
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:42 PM   #47
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My mom is my best friend!! Growing up all my friends called her "mom". My son's friends call her "grandma" now. She has been rock. I wish I was half the woman she is. She is truly amazing!
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Old 06-28-2012, 09:29 PM   #48
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I am really close with my mom. I've lived out of state from her for almost 10 years now and I know that has not been easy for her. When I first came out, well my sister outted me, my mom called and asked me about a guy that I had dated previously. I pretty much got angry and hung up. A few days later, she told me that she loved me no matter what. From that point on, she has been very supportive of me and of my relationships. I have been pretty lucky that way. I even kid around with her and tell her things like.. the reason I am gay is because you smoked when you were pregnant with me. lol

Anyway, her health is not very good these days so I have elected to move back to be around the family. I want to spend as much time with her as I can while I have her around. I don't want to think about that day when she won't be here. It's inevitable at some point, but until that time, I will cherish every moment that I have even if she does drive me crazy.

She said something funny to me after my recent breakup... because I have dated younger women, she said that I was no longer allowed to date any kids. lol. I had to laugh.. here is to my mom.
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Old 06-29-2012, 12:17 AM   #49
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Default mom

They had me late in life so she was 50 when I was 13. She passed away at 92 on a beautiful June day in the best part of afternoon and looked beautiful. My mother was a very beautiful femme submissive woman. My father died when I was nine and my brothers and sisters left home. On hearing of my father's death my immediate concern was my mother. I protected her . She protected me. She accepted my choices in boys clothing and shoes and never tried to talk me out of who I am. She was the different one in her family. I too went through a long period where I could not hug my mom. It felt wierd because I think I became the man of the family because my older brothers were out sewing oats. Anyway I had to do some therapy around it all as I felt her neediness and it scared me...like I couldnt do anything about it tho I felt pressured to do so. Deep stuff butches and their moms. Boys and their moms. And....I love how we were the last five years. All the past diminished and replaced with super affection and joy. Joy at making her old age precious and rich and tangible and complete. Sweet. Thank-you. I learned alot just now.
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Old 06-29-2012, 01:25 AM   #50
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I am very close to my mother. She had me when she was 19, and my father was away in the Navy. It was hard while he was away but she had a supportive family and thats a big reason why we are all so close knit I think. She has always been very supportive of me! I, like many others, gave her a heck of a time as a teenager/young adult. I went though the piercing phase, tattoos...crazy hair colors...running off without her knowing about it, but even through all of that she loved me.

I still remember when I came out to her, I was 14 and she already knew. In fact, she ASKED me if I was gay. Didn't change a thing...well ONE thing...I wasnt allowed to have girls over for sleepovers anymore lol!

I feel very blessed that even now she and I are as close as always. I moved out of state last year for awhile and it was really hard on us to be so far apart. I went about 7 months without seeing her, and there were times I would hear her voice and break down and cry because I missed her so much. The day I came home, I walked into her house and she was sitting on the sofa. She stayed up all night just to be sure that I made it safely...I will never forget the feeling of that hug. The feeling of love, and happiness, and appreciation, and support, but most of all that hug was the feeling of HOME.

My mother is just that for me, shes not just a parent, shes a friend, a life coach, a confidant, a role model..she's everything, she's HOME.
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Old 06-30-2012, 12:20 PM   #51
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My mother passed away just 8 months ago and I miss her dearly. For as much as I know in my mind that she is now resting without pain and no longer in fear: my heart misses her smile and her kind and gentle words and encouragement. We may not have always agreed on alot of issues, but she always was with me, beside me and my best supporter of being whom I am! Amazing that 4 of her best friends were lesbians: she understood and accepted in more ways than maybe some mothers would (she was 76 when she passed).

As each day, week, holiday and month go by: her loss in my earthly-world does get sunnier with each new day. For I know that no matter where I am or what I am doing or I am just having a horrible or a terrific day: she looks upon me with her pretty blue eyes and her awesome smile and says: *I love you and I am proud of you*!!!

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Old 06-30-2012, 01:14 PM   #52
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I'm lucky enough to live with my mom; she has supported me through everything and is always there for me ~ I'm lucky to have her
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:01 PM   #53
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My mother has an untreated mental illness. Unfortunately I think life circumstances growing up has made things horrible for her. Nothing is ever good enough. Like when I do a race, she only asks if I won, and if I didn't, she doesn't care. Everyone is either stupid or useless. She calls me, my sister, and my father stupid to our faces. She has no job (was fired for personality issues many years ago), no friends, no visitors. I have no idea how my dad stays with her; he's almost 70 and he's still working 60 hour work weeks. Dad says good Christians don't get divorces. She is just so full of anger at the world and it's sad.

As a child I can remember making her cry when I accidentally shaved part of my hair off playing with a razor in the shower (pretending I was shaving).

She'd always yell at me for wearing big boots, having messy hair, never wearing makeup, etc. growing up. Now she tells me my hair is too damn short and to never cut it that short again.

I've introduced her to past girlfriends and explained who they are; she still doesn't get it. She drops the slang "feminazi" and makes of queers.

She doesn't get it, she never will.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:04 PM   #54
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I have an abusive mother as well. It's never fun. It does make one grow up quickly though. You either learn how to get love, respect, honor and lessons from others or fail as a person.
I stopped going to my mother for important things when I was 5 years old. I didn't meet my father before her died but I spoke with him several times before he passed. There are many like me who have fractured relationships with parents. It hurts but in the long run, it's ok. We just learn how to push thru issues quickly and get to living the good life.
I wonder if we all strive to be as happy as possible. I know I am better when I do but that may be just part of life. People feel better striving for happiness. Point is...what is my point...oh yeah, you may have a different mother than me, yet we are siblings in a different family. Not a comfortable family but one that matters none the less. We are the few who were not mothered by our mothers. And yet we persevere
OH! And my mother seems to be a pathological liar. She lies about almost everything. Of the many things she told me about my father, only 6 were true and 3 were that he was a black, American male.

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Originally Posted by alexri View Post
My mother has an untreated mental illness. Unfortunately I think life circumstances growing up has made things horrible for her. Nothing is ever good enough. Like when I do a race, she only asks if I won, and if I didn't, she doesn't care. Everyone is either stupid or useless. She calls me, my sister, and my father stupid to our faces. She has no job (was fired for personality issues many years ago), no friends, no visitors. I have no idea how my dad stays with her; he's almost 70 and he's still working 60 hour work weeks. Dad says good Christians don't get divorces. She is just so full of anger at the world and it's sad.

As a child I can remember making her cry when I accidentally shaved part of my hair off playing with a razor in the shower (pretending I was shaving).

She'd always yell at me for wearing big boots, having messy hair, never wearing makeup, etc. growing up. Now she tells me my hair is too damn short and to never cut it that short again.

I've introduced her to past girlfriends and explained who they are; she still doesn't get it. She drops the slang "feminazi" and makes of queers.

She doesn't get it, she never will.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:00 AM   #55
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Life with my Mom was very difficult in my younger years...her only daughter i often felt no matter what i did it was never good enough...with each accomplishment (or failure) she raised the bar higher. She was hypercritical of everything about me. There was abuse - physical and verbal... therapy helped me but the triggers remain and i guess they always will. Our relationship was rocky and i wasn't the easiest kid to raise (neither were my brothers). But things eventually changed.

Mom was so frustrated with her life...she left college in the 50s to marry and had many jobs before she went back to school and at age 50 graduated from law school.

She was an amazingly smart and talented woman...her artwork is beautiful. She made sure we were exposed to as much "culture" as possible - at home, in school and on trips.

When i went to work for her, Dad gave us 2 weeks...lol Well it lasted over 10 years and during that time we got to know each other...developed mutual respect and became best friends. Now we still fought like dogs and fired each other at least once daily but we loved working together. She was an incredible attorney and highly respected in the local legal community. At the memorial service held by the local bar many of her peers and judges came to me and said such wonderful things about her. Imagine my surprise when they told me what she'd said about me...having judges tell me that Mom bragged to them about me saying things like if i ever quit she'd have to retire or how proud she was of me. Brought me to tears...

When i finally came out to my family it was ugly but eventually Mom (and Dad) came around. i was 47 when she told me for the very first time how proud she was of me & it was my work in the LGBT community that brought that comment.

She was becoming super interested in our rights when she got sick and i believe she would have joined our fight had she not passed away.

Oh how i miss her... we were each other's sounding board...she was my #1 fan. It took a long time to get to where we were and i doubt any other path would have resulted in the relationship we had. While i would have preferred the absence of abuse i am glad we came full circle.
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Old 07-26-2012, 07:27 AM   #56
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Default mom

When I came out to my mom at age 18 she told it was phase and that I would get over it. It took us ten years to work past that but in my mindseyes I see her accepting me inwardly and when she past we wer the best of friends sharing everything.I had to tell her it was alright to let go that I would be alright without her my best friend.
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:46 AM   #57
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... But I have taken this very personally. I have gone from talking to her everyday since my father's illness and subsequent death to calling maybe once a week.

Am I wrong to still be pissed? Am I wrong to think that she doesn't see Me? I am not the kind of person who holds a grudge but I am having a hard time forgiving my mom over this.

SWD -

I don't know your mom or the intricacies of your relationships over the years so I can't say for certain. What I can tell you is that my mom is somewhat the same here in action. I found out in the last month that most of my family knows that I am gay. This is a very freeing revelation for me.

It was always kind of the thing that everyone knew but nobody talked about because I never talked about it. I never talked about it because once a long time ago, my dad and I were talking in private and he said, "I've come to some understandings and acceptance of certain things in life and I don't need to talk about them." I've just kind of always known that was him telling me he knew and didn't want to talk about it.

Mom is completely different. Just when I think she's ok with things she says something that comes rolling in like a rouge wave crashing over the deck and I'm like "WTF just happened?" Most recently she pissed me off, over all things, Glee. Mom likes musicals so I thought this would be a cool show for her to catch. (It never occured to me that it might be "too gay" for her.) When I suggested she watch it she said, "I don't like that show." I was surprised at her adamance, particularly towards a show she had never seen before. I asked her why. She said, "That gay lady is on there." (meaning Jane Lynch) Surprised again, I said, "So? How do you know she's gay anyway?" (playing dumb) Mom replied; "She said so. I don't want to watch it, I don't like gay people."

It was like a knife through my heart for a second....one step forward and three back.....but I didn't say anything to her. I sort of had the feeling that she didn't mean me or even Andi. She meant that she didn't like other gay people. Somehow she has managed to cope with me by separating me from others. Listen, if we were younger and mom wasn't sick I'd probably have made something of it......but I know that time is not on our side. I can't let myself waste a single moment with her because she does not see things in the same way that I do. What is important right now is my relationship with her. I do understand her. It isn't enough for us for her to be the only one doing the accepting.....some of that needs to be on my part too.

Your mom sees you. I'm pretty sure of that.

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Old 07-31-2012, 11:02 AM   #58
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Default I see many of us are at the same juncture in life.

My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:47 PM   #59
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...mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!".
Hey Arc,

Long time. It's good to see you again. That had to be really hard for you to hear and I am sorry that happened to you. Sometimes I think my mom feels like a failure as a mother (my youngest brother's continued struggle with assholism guarantees him a spot, usually, second on her shit list just a short breath from my sister-in-law who magnificently maintains the top position....in this case I don't mind sharing 3rd with my other brother). I think maybe it's harder for her generation. I know it was harder for her.

There were specific expectations for women in those days (late 50s and early 60s) that were more difficult than I would have ever been able to live up to. I can't really imagine how difficult it was for her to see her only daughter change from a cute little girl in pigtails to........well.....me. People in the neighborhood, old fashioned, watching, judging not just me but her. Her success or failure as a woman and a mother. I remember her always correcting my boyish mannerisms, dressing me the way she thought I wanted me to dress, my hairstyle the way she thought I wanted it. Preparing me to be the woman she thought I'd want to be. There was the disconnect. It wasn't what I wanted, it was what she wanted me to want.

....and oh how I rebelled.

I wasn't that good a kid. I got into trouble in high school, grades slipped from A's wayyyyyy down to where I might have blown my ride to college (I never found out because I enlisted in the Army and went to college later)...just about the same time I realized that I wanted to kiss girls. Oh I didn't do drugs (I was too afraid of my father) or get into trouble with the law or anything like that. At 15 I had my first girlfriend. We went on the lam a couple of times because our parents didn't want us to hang around together. I snuck out at night, went places I wasn't supposed to go, lied to them about where I went and with who......stuff like that. A real Dopeo and Juliet story!

I want to be clear about that because I don't want anyone to think my mother this evil person who tried to make a girl out of her daughter. I earned some of what I get. I know mom loves me. She shows me that in a million different ways. Sometimes, it isn't the way I need her to. The dots don't connect for her when it comes to me. Alot of it has to do with the things that happened to her as a kid.

My own understanding is that I pay a price for living my life my own way. I also understand that my actions and decisions reflect on the people in my family in the same way it would if I won the Nobel Peace Prize or became a serial killer. I love and respect my family. I just wish sometimes it was a little easier to make everything nice and neat for all of us.
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:38 PM   #60
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My dad died in July of 2008 from a year long battle with brain cancer. When LL and I met with the Lutheran Minister who did my dads memorial service he said to us. " I am going to make your mother my lifes work to help her not to see your relationship as evil". LL and I both laughed and wished him well with that venture.

I'm convince that Dad was the glue that held our family together he knew how to get us all to table in harmony.

My mother has taken my dads death very hard and she has become increasely more difficult to speak with.

In 2010 my newphew found my mother frozen in a snow drift dressed in her nightgown. Her body temperature was 86 degrees. She was rushed to the hospital. After a week in the hospital she was discharged to a nursing home for rehabilitation. She was confused and down right nasty to everyone except for my nephew. After three weeks in the nursing home they were going to discharge her home. I didn't think that was a wise move because she could hardly walk, care for herself independantly plus she was downright nutty!

I set her up in a very nice Assisted Living establishment under respite care. They made sure she ate well, she was clean and well dressed. She was forced to be social. After 5 months she and my nephew decided that she was well enough to return to her home.

Today she still says some mean things about us but not to our faces. She says mean things about my brother and his wife, but not to their faces.

Those words cut to our very core. I think she has lost her filters but then again I wonder. I remember when I was 38 years old and mom said to me that I was "her biggest disappointment and her biggest failure!". I was so hopping mad I refused to call or speak with her. My dad called me to see what the hec was up so I told him what she had said to me. My dad was shocked, and got us back talking again. It took sometime to get over it, but I never forgot it.

Its okay, I am proud of my life, I am proud of my family, and I so very proud of LL and girls. In the end, its my thoughts about my life and my love, and my daughters are all that matter.

I still try very hard to speak with my mom once a week, and its a struggle.
She made you...Though she calls me "your Situation" and I am far older than that Jersey Shore guy...She is who she is. She came to this country and learned a new language, worked as a nurse (A REGISTERED NURSE!) and shaped who you are as a person in the world. She IS your mother, and to that end she is a HUGE part of you. She drives me NUTTY as hell most days, but she still managed to mark our wedding day with the largest flower arrangement I have ever seen.

And she loved your father, and was lost without him. We were both lost without him for a while...Not you nor she can help that she came at an early age from across a huge pond when the US and Europe were both so fragile in their relationship. I kinda got the same thing from my own immigrant father who was hoping I would be quiet about who I am...and of course now he adores you.

Time changes all, and in some sort of trite sentiment time also heals all wounds...Be patient. I will wait for Godot. I've got nothing but time and time moves quickly when I tick it away with you.
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