Everything you wanted to know about dating...

[*Anya*]

...but were afraid to ask/share/discuss.

A couple of folks have brought up that we really did not have a thread to talk about the art and science of dating.

Not a hook up thread but a place to ask questions, get tips from each other or trade dating positives as well as dating horror stories.

Hopefully, this can be a positive and encouraging thread.

What would you like to talk about?

We are interested.

[homoe]

Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

[*Anya*]

Since I have been doing a bit of dating the last 6-8 weeks, I am more than happy to share my success stories as well as my not-so-successful stories.

I always meet first for coffee. I like having my car in case it does not turn out well and I always pay for myself.

Even though I never say yes without reading profiles first, one never knows what one will find.

The most stable appearing people may not be so much in person. I never let anyone know where I live until I have that first meeting for coffee and never if I don't want to see them again.

I have downed a cup in 30 minutes (when I knew it was not going to work) and have taken 2-hours (when I thought there was potential).

It's kind of like a job interview....disguised as a date.

[homoe]

I have to admit I’ve never been fond of the coffee thingy. It is indeed like a job interview and we all know how nerve wracking one of those can be! I think another reason I avoid the coffee date is because I always get the feeling the clock is ticking and I’ve only got a limited amount of time to make a good impression or they are out the door!

[genghisfawn]

I generally like to chat for a little while first... when someone says, "I don't like to chat and e-mail endlessly - I just want to ask you out and see where it goes," I know we're not going to be a match. I'm introverted and meeting someone new burns my energy and attention up at an alarming rate, so unless there's something that catches my attention and I really *want* to meet within a few communications, then fine.

I think my worst date ever was with someone who was outright disgusted that I'd ever had a relationship with a man (he was my unicorn, and I genuinely loved him.) She berated me at the table, then excused herself to the "bathroom" (and by that, I mean "never to be seen again.) Cripes.

[macele]

sometimes i can trust my first impression sensor deal i have in my 455 rocket LOL, ... and sometimes i need to chill and come back around for a second "whatchoo got up under that hood!".

i miss things. i really do. i'm the nervous type, even though there's no telling what i might say, say just what i'm thinking, ... i'm still so nervous. i like to think she is too.

but i'm not one to give advice on dating lol. you all just give away! i like reading.

[Dude]

I love that you started this and I think it will help people
if nothing else than to see other perspectives.

Back in my twenties I had a therapist who told me to go on
practice dates to help me with my non datearound er stuff.
I even told these dates that they were practice dates and
they did not seem to mind. I only had three of them (different
people) and none made me want to pursue a second date.
Then I stopped the experiment ,my ex came back into the picture
and said I needed to date her more , so I did. :]
I still would date her more and again which is why I went
to therapy to begin with. If only we had met later in life , I think
things would have been very different and we would likely still be
together.

Then a few years later I dated two women at the same time. My ego
got big ,thinking I had to choose between them and poof
I ended up with no choice at all.

I used to roll my eyes seeing ads talking about "friends first"
but now I sooo fucking get it.
For me, you have to first be my friend and then stay my friend
or I gotta go.

So, I gotta wonder if that's a reasonable request and if I am
crazy for thinking that maybe a long (?) friendship is the way to
begin. Then , I have also been in situations where it
has been a friendship so long you cant even imagine being
with that person romantically. No sparks.
friendly sparks
is that asking too much?

Then comes the internet stuff , web-caming and what-nots (snort)
I've had woman cam me without even asking
being more than a bit suggestive to get my attention.
oy
and it worked
I was reeled in but I was younger and didnt know jack.
I dont want that for myself , these days.

I think if it is the "right"
someone it will just flow and there will be an equal infatuation
(a desire to learn ALL about each other)
and no rush to consummate things. (Owning "my stuff" as
well here.)
I see things happening at warp speed online and that is
not for me at all. (although I have done the warp speed lust,
I would never be able to say that I loved someone on the
second or third meet up)

sparky , lusty friendship with a heaping dose of kindness
and patience is what I genuinely want


I wont put myself in a position to compete for anyone
nor do I think the person who is "right" for me would
tolerate competing for me.

I've seen many sad endings by people thinking they
have won the prize but it was all just about the winning
and they really didnt even want the prize.

[*Anya*]

I do love reading about other experiences and perspectives.

I am an introvert too but find it relatively easy now (other than the first hello) meeting women on a 1:1 basis.

Before that coffee date, some emails and texts are exchanged-I don't go in cold.

This may sound terrible but I don't have a lot of time or energy these days. I want to meet sooner rather than later. Honestly, if I do not have any sexual attraction for the person-I don't get dragging it out.

If I have sexual attraction, then yes, I want to invest the time and attention to get to know them better.

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped.

That is a story for another day...

[Greco]

Anya,

Your thread has come just in time. I've tried this once before but now can see how it went the wrong way, you live and learn.

Yes, I have put down my walls and am going to date. For me its been several years, and no not looking for anything but having great talks, fun outdoors, sharing quality time.

Greco

[Dance-with-me]

Good thread.

re: Making it clear that it's a date - I think it's equally valid to clarify that it's NOT a date, but is a time to just get to know each other, to see if there is dating potential. I was SO relieved when the response to my asking someone out the other day (first non-online person I've gone out with for over 20 years) was "I can't say that I'm ready for a real date yet, but I would love to get to know you better." That was a great (to me) response and might even be something I might say when approaching someone.

The main dating advice I'd give ties into the u-haul thing: I think there is this u-haul stereotype within our community because too many women find some connection, compatibility and chemistry with someone and immediately start thinking "forever," then when they SHOULD be still just dating, when things start being problems they approach it as "we've made this commitment so this is something we need to figure out how to fix" instead of "wow, I guess we're not as compatible as we thought, and s/he's not quite the person that I thought s/he was." I'm a VERY strong proponent of waiting a couple of YEARS before promising forever and committing yourself to work through whatever issues might come up between you, because you really don't know how that other person is going to be "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" unless you've given it the chance to play out. If the relationship is going to be forever, it can survive waiting a couple of years before making that forever promise. I don't mean waiting two years before promising to be monogamous, maybe not even a couple of years before cohabitation. But an open acknowledgement that we really don't know each other enough yet to promise forever -- a *gasp* period of DATING before getting engaged or married.

[Amber2010]

I agree having a conversation and spending time together just getting to know each other is key. I think I can do that in almost any situation. I am a talker and love great conversations. Friends is key. If you can become friends and have things in common then you have taken the first step. I am never looking for a romance at first I really want the friendship and feel the romance can blossom from that first step of liking each other.

[*Anya*]

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

[Dude]

maybe "access denied" is the key?

to be on the safe side of premature
jumping or diving









half kidding/half not

[Greco]

Anya,

I also do not google anyone, it is an invasion of privacy. If they want me to know they'll tell me. Have heard of much more then go ogling in this cyber world...some quite invasive.

Greco

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

[laruss]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

Anya these are hilarious and kind of scary. Good for you for getting out there and dating and experiencing new people. You never know when you will find "the one". They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

I have to say I have Googled people, whether dating them or not. I also Google myself on occasion just to see what is out there. It surprises me the info you can find. I more do it out of curiosity. Unless I was worried for the other person I would never tell them what I found. I did tell a friend when I found her cell number and home address listed for anyone at all to find. But, other then that I have never found anything out about someone that was a concern. I would never contact someone based on info I found on line. I would go through the proper channels and only use it if they gave it to me (eg: address or phone number).

I am a huge flirt, or I used to be, I am a bit broken right now. So, I typically have no problem getting dates. I talk to people everywhere and just like to get to know people. I have made some really good friends that way, and found some great loves. I am currently not interested in dating, but because I recently moved to a new area, I have put myself out there to make some new friends. But, I have been very clear that it is only friendship that I am looking for right now. I really need to find a community here and get to know a few more people in my neighbourhood.

I think it would be tough if you were shy, this is not my problem. I think forums like this (or any interest you have) are a great place to get to know people in a less threatening way. You get to know a bit about them and then you can decide whether to become friends or date. I have gotten to know some great people here as well as some other forums (art and writing forums).

Anyway, good luck to everyone.

One piece of advice I can give from my online dating past is not to take anything personally, they don't know you. We go on online dating sites to get to know people and so we may chat a bit, even move to the level of talking on the phone, may even meet, but it is all the 'getting to know you' process. Don't take it personally if it ends or the person disappears or isn't' who you thought they were. You don't know them and they don't know you.

Oh, I just remembered a bad experience...

I remember one time I was chatting with someone and we were about to move to the phone call step and they mentioned they were a cop. I personally don't date cops (my choice, I know I generalize and miss out on a lot of great people. No offense intended.) I worked for the police department and it left a bad taste in my mouth, so it is a blanket across the board rule for me. They questioned my why and I said that I had worked for the Police department and knew a lot of cops, even had some cop friends, but I didn't date cops due to what I knew about the personality type. I apologized and said it was nothing personal but it was my choice. They tried to defend and when I wouldn't give them my number and thanked them (I was polite the whole time), they got angry and abusive (point proven). I had not given them my number and next thing I know I am getting phone calls from them... abusive phone calls. My number was unlisted.

It didn't stop me from online dating or giving my number to people. I didn't take it personally. Their bad behaviour was on them. And yes this could have been anyone, I am not saying all cops are bad people.

For the most part I have had really good experiences dating. Not a lot of crazies like Anya.

[*Anya*]

Great advice about not taking things personally laruss!

I am pretty sensitive about a lot of things but for some reason, not much in the wonderful world of dating.

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I think for me I have to pass on a coffee date. I am usually nervous enough without the added benefit of caffeine in my system. Though I do agree completely that the first date "interview" should be done some where public and at least semi-quiet. After all it should be about communicating with each other.

It has been quiet awhile for me since I have been on an actual date and I had better luck it seems before I found sites like this. That is because I really am a poor social communicator in written form. Now if you want an academic paper or resume I am your guy but social written communication, especially one-sided like in a post I am finding out that I often fail at it. So when I meet someone I am straight up front and tell them this and ask them to be patient enough to ask questions until we have reached the text stage which occurs before the phone call stage in my book. I find that taking the time to chat does help and especially if it is supplemented with emails.

I think I am one of the few people I know that does use Skype but has never had Skype sex. I use it as a way to get to know the persons body and facial language because they say so much more then words on a page or over the phone. Besides I do not have to type with Skype and I really do not like typing, to old school I guess. I have had women I do not even know well enough for them to know the city I live in try to be sexual with me on Skype though and it takes every thing I have not to say are you kidding me.

I have had people Google me and come back with questions that blew my mind. I wonder if they know there are more then one person out there with my first and last name. I have also had them say you lived here and here and my response is usually well yeah I told you that. Personally I try not to Google anyone unless they give me a reason to be suspicious and if that happens the relationship is usually over before it starts. I have however Google my own name just because I want to know what information is available to everybody and their mother that happens to have my name and the city I live in.

People wouldn't believe it but I am rather shy at first and a flirt even when I do not realize I am flirting with someone. I believe in friendship that builds to something but if I have been a friend to long I just can not go there. I can not switch gears so to speak. I have to agree with Anya though I would rather have the first meeting be sooner rather then later. You can find out a lot of things about someone online but nothing beats the face to face 'hey do we have chemistry' thing.

Besides I am much more me in person, I think everyone is to a degree. It is easy to hide things behind a computer screen and a lot harder to hide them in person. Always have a plan B or exit strategy though just in case. Like laruss says you do not know each other after all. No matter how much time you spend on here or the phone. The two of you know things about the person but you do not know each other. That takes time in my experience.

[*Anya*]

I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other!

I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town.

I always want to ask how they try to meet them?

We have to be more creative and take some risks!

I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches".

Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that!

There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40.

I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities.

Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

When I get an email or smile from a woman outside of Europe, I'll reply with "Thank you, but the distance is too great." I've resorted to putting "UK and Europe only" on my profile, and yet a few will ignore it.

I emailed a woman on a dating site and was ignored, a few months later we met in person at a local LBGT meet-up. After we chatted for a while, she admitted that she went on my looks even though she read my profile and decided to pass. We went on a few dates which were enjoyable, but there was no spark there for me.

I like to exchange a few emails and phone calls before meeting. The first "date" I like to be casual and take it from there. I don't have any expectations; I've learned not too. I went on a date at the weekend with a butch who was completely the opposite to my "usual tastes". We had a good time and met for lunch today.

Dating is both fun and frustrating and although I've been a quite a few dates that haven't followed on to anything more, I'm learning that my tastes are changing and I'm becoming more comfortable with certain things, such as a date being a couple of inches shorter than me (...only a couple, though, lol!).

[ScandalAndy]

I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation.

That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that.




And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat?