Everything you wanted to know about dating...

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

Once upon a time... way back in the day... I was attracted to one girl and another girl was attracted to me so I didn't really give her the chance.. at first. The one girl that I was attracted to told me that I can choose who I love.. and after that.. I started dating the person who liked me... eventually fell in love with her and we were together for several years. I was not attracted to her at first but that came with a little time.

I am not saying that this will happen for you. If it's not there.. if there are no sparks.... let go... if her resume is that good.. she will find someone else who will be attracted to her as will you.

[Miss Scarlett]

There's nothing wrong with being friends first. I know of several couples who were friends for years before they began their respective relationships. And there's nothing wrong with a dating relationship becoming just friends. It depends on the people involved. You have to do what you're comfortable with...what works for you.

Then again, stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance could lead to something very special.

[Ginger]

I agree with Sleepy about all this, and I understand Anya's dilemma. She wants to do the right thing, to be honest, but she is also sensitive to another person's feelings. Sometimes there is no way to do both, be honest and be protective of another person. Sleepy gave some strategies for doing both—don't give certain information unless asked.

All good.

Anya, maybe it's not about the other person, the seemingly "perfect" butch you're just not into that much. Maybe it's about you, that you're not ready, to put it in a tired cliche. That you're still processing your last breakup.

Or maybe, there's something you want, something you haven't articulated to yourself and therefore can't apply to your puzzling non-attraction to the person you're describing.

And in my opinion, you don't have to articulate it. You'll know it when you see it. (Though it's a comment on your own integrity, that you want to analyze it.)

In the meantime, this person is apparently going along with your less-than-smitten response to her, for whatever reason. Maybe she doesn't see it (which says something about how well she sees You). Maybe she doesn't want to see it (which says something about her powers of denial). Maybe she isn't is taken with you as she wants you to think she is.

Lots of maybes, and maybe they don't matter.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Enough said.

When you do feel it, you'll know it. And it'll be great! You seem so level headed, so insightful, so honorable, so cute. The world is big.

[Gráinne]

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop? And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper? And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

[macele]

sometimes two people want the same thing, or agree to the same thing, ... companionship. surely helps with loneliness. we all want to be in love, ... to have that i can't live without you feeling, madly deeply. but a companion can make a world of difference when living life. who knows, being in a healthy relationship with someone that is no more than companionship, ... may lead me to madly deeply with another person (or the same). being healthy in mind and spirit will lead to healthy in mind and spirit people.

this letter to george putnam from emelia earhart is about companionship, to me. it's sad, in a way. but i love the honesty. being mature adults, honesty, ... can lead to happiness.


p.s. a little rambling. who the hell says you've got to get "married" or live together. it's not required to be in love, or whatever each individual calls it.



http://earchives.lib.purdue.edu/cdm4...=0&x=154&y=528

[SleepyButch]

So I am back to give some dating advice... take it for what it's worth.

I think one of the biggest things you can do when dating is to pay attention. Listen to the other person and hear what they are saying. Watch their body language.

I think if you pay attention to the little things that she says it can get you some brownie points. So what I mean by this is if you are on a date and she is talking about her likes, dislikes, childhood, etc... if you are truly interested in her, remember some of those things. Later, if you want to get her a gift or do something special for her, use that information that she gave you... like her favorite color... her favorite food... maybe a memory froma her childhood that she cherishes.

Give her flowers (provided you have already found out she likes flowers) in her favorite color, cook her favorite meal, or give her a box of chocolates on a date because one time she mentioned she likes godiva.

Another thing that I find important is to ask about some things before doing. Not everyone wants you to order for them after they have decided what they want to eat. Not everyone wants to be kissed on the first date.

I've been online dating for the last decade or so. It's hard to go on dates with someone who is far away. Sure you can meet on Skype and have a date that way or have a phone date, but it's not the same. When you finally do get together, I think it's important to go on an actual date. I forget this part of it. We meet for a weekend or several days and I don't ask you on date. I just realized this because of this thread. Sure I take her out to eat or dancing but I never say hey.. let's make this a date. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to change that.


That's it for now...

[ruthie14]

Love this thread! It's great hearing different viewpoints and stories... love the stories!

Want to just put out there, that dykeumentary is an awesome butch! A very good friend and would make anyone a wonderful partner! (love you my friend... had to put a plug in for ya!)

I have say, I have been dating for a while. I don't date right away..most of the time. I try not to jump to the gf thing too quickly. I have been burnt too many times going to quickly and taking that leap because I thought I knew them from phone/email etc. I like to do the coffee thing, get to know a person as a friend first. Even a group event is good for the second or third meeting... I can see how someone acts with other people. Sometimes that can be a good indicator of how they are. I do tend to email a lot first when I meet someone online. I can usually pick out the people who are a little, well, not safe for me in one way or another. People tend to show their true colors after a few conversations. Certainly not all, but too many red flags and I know I need to stay away to stay safe or that they just plain aren't for me. If I am on the fence, yes I will google someone. I don't pry into their taxes or whatever, just to see if they are who they say they are. I have also made many nice friends...more friends than anything... through the dating sites. I have no regrets about that! You can always use a friend!!

Ruthie's do's and don'ts

I don't sleep with someone until I am in a relationship with them. (No judgement on anyone else, not a moral thing, just a way to keep myself from mixing up lust and love...which I have done and regretted. )

I don't date until I know we have "something" to work with. Sparks, a pull, something.

I don't date someone who lives too far away.

I don't date someone who is always unemployed with no prospects. ( I don't care where you work, as long as you work or you are going to school to prepare for work. Maybe that sounds cruel in this economy.. but I don't mean those who are out of work for good reasons, just those who don't want to work.)

I don't date anyone who wants me to support and/take care of them. If we are a couple and something bad happens, I will be with you... but I have had the experience more than once, of someone just looking for someone to take care of them or rescue them from their situation. That is not love to me.

I do treat people with respect.

I am open about myself, ask anything.

I do treat my date like I would want to be treated.

I do listen... closely.

I do want the same in return.

I do like to have my door opened for me, a hand at the small of my back, help with my coat... Love being the femme.. love being on the arm of a butch!

I AM totally honest about what I think is important! Always upfront about the sex thing. Always up front that my mother and I share a home. (Isn't that what you are SUPPOSE to do when your mother gets to a certain age?)

If all this doesn't appeal to someone else... that's fine, I don't take it personally.. everyone is different. Everyone has had time to figure out what they do and don't want in dating and in a relationship. I respect other's desires for their lives and if we don't match, so be it. NOT a problem and I won't hold it against you if we don't. I only ask that someone be honest with me when we don't match up instead of keeping me "on the hook" in case I change my mind or someone better doesn't come along.

Enough for now.... boy this got long! lol I will share some good and bad dates on some other day.

Ruthie

[dykeumentary]

*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...

[WolfyOne]

I haven't dated in such a long time, it scares the hell out of me.

If anyone wonders why I never ask someone out, it's because the words won't always roll off my tongue like they do for me on paper.

Besides with my hearing, I don't want someone to keep repeating themselves for me if they can't understand when I ask them to speak slow and annunciate because of it. It could make for a horrid date.

[ruthie14]

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...

It is true.. this is a hard place for b/f dating. I have tried to get something going in our area together a few time, doesn't seem to be many around who are interested in gathering as b/f. I have been told by more than 1 person that I need to give up on that "whole butch femme thing" or I won't get a date. Really? Not gonna happen.

Yes my friend, we are probably cousins, We are both Irish and grew up a few miles from each other. Chances are higher than normal. lolololol

[Gemme]

Anya, how about this:

Butch, I'm so glad that we've had this time to get to know one another. I've really enjoyed your company! I have a friend that I think would be PERFECT for you!



No?

Well, it would require you to actually have a friend that the butch might get along with.

Hmmm...

[*Anya*]

Honesty is the best policy!

We had a long chat over dinner.

I explained that I was not feeling it and did not know if it ever would happen for me.

She said that my honesty was refreshing (!) and asked me why didn't we just have some fun together as friends.

We did a pinkie swear (laughing like fools and yes, it was my idea) that if either of us decided it really wasn't fun, we would just move on.

I can live with that.

It was majorly helpful to read all the feedback and perspectives today.

Thank you.

[Greco]

Anya,

I must say this again and publicly...Your Integrity is priceless. My respect for you has deepened, and I hold you in the highest esteem. Too much you say...not at all, in today's world of superficiality in relating, someone with integrity, self-respect, and respect for another should be honored...and so I do.

You could have found some other way to not face her, but you showed up, faced her and shared your feelings...now you may indeed have a true friend in her, as you certainly do in me. In my culture, "showing your face", sounds better in Spanish, shows the person's integrity, dignity, and courage...you, my friend have shown all three.

I am honored to call you my Femme Friend, Greco

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Honesty is the best policy!

We had a long chat over dinner.

I explained that I was not feeling it and did not know if it ever would happen for me.

She said that my honesty was refreshing (!) and asked me why didn't we just have some fun together as friends.

We did a pinkie swear (laughing like fools and yes, it was my idea) that if either of us decided it really wasn't fun, we would just move on.

I can live with that.

It was majorly helpful to read all the feedback and perspectives today.

Thank you.

[ScandalAndy]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.

THIS. This right here is my biggest stumbling block. I feel almost guilty for not having feelings for a person who is stable and interested in me. I really WANT to like them, but it's just. not. there.

On the opposite end of this, I've had people tell me they're just not interested in anything other than friendship with me. A couple times it has come as a HUGE blow, but I was grateful for the honesty. I mean, how much time in my past have I spent pining over someone who had no interest but also wasn't brave enough to tell me? Too much. I get that it takes courage to face someone and tell them you aren't into them like that, but there's no reason it has to be a prolonged suffering on both parties' parts.

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

*im blushing*
Like ScandalAndy said (I think) - the Philly/South Jersey area is a little difficult for b/f dating.
And ATTENTION All Butches: Ruthie14 is a CATCH. I'd date her myself, but she might be my cousin.... South Jersey is a small town...

YESSSSSSS, it's like b/f is super passe here so you have to seek out folks you get "the vibe" from. I was at a friendsgiving last night and I think I saw two! But they're in a relationship with each other. Either way, I made some super awesome new friends.

[~ocean]

I am no expert on an inlone hook up , i just think if u get to know the person and chat socially, then w/ time u get to know eachother personaly, and take your time to meeting oneanother , the desire becomes overwhelming ~ Like the ole song goes "Take Time To Know Her" it's not an overnight thing ~

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by guihong

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop?

If I feel no chemistry, I'm honest about that, and make it clear that if that person and I keep seeing each other, it won't be romantically. The few times this has happened, the other person was cool with it but didn't want to hang around as a friend. Most of us have plenty of friends or don't have time for the few that we have—so, we use our limited free time and energy carefully. I understand that. That said, I know that I've been surprised to realize I'd developed romantic feelings for a friend, once we'd spent a lot of time together, even over a period of years. Sorry, I'm contradicting myself but both realities exist.

And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper?

IMO, because the paper version is just the little sliver of a person he or she wants us to see. In person you see the person's spontaneous reactions to the world, you see how they move, how they sound—all the things they can't control or heighten or whatever, in their presentation to you.

And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

Again, just in IMO—you do all the things that maintain a healthy relationship, focus on communication, etc.—but you know this too, I think.

What I'm hearing between the lines of your questions is exasperation. Quite understandable exasperation. If only the words on a screen were reliable in telling us who a person is and how it will feel to be in their physical presence and how their responses to us will feel to us.

(My responses in purple)

[Rope]

Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. So if you'd like to hear it's not a happening thing sooner rather than later, then chances are so would they.

If you wind up going out a little longer than you should have (not always obvious right away), then cut your loses and say goodbye. The longer you linger, or do not tell them it's not happening for you, the longer you're not out there finding the one that is for you.

Chemistry--I don't think chemistry is necessarily there or not right away. I think attraction is or is not there. That is not to say we should act on attraction UNLESS both parties get, that's what they're doing.

Lesbians are horrid at dating---they don't know that the word means 'trying each other on for size'. That said, you may be dating others, and that does not mean you have to choose unless one of those you're dating doesn't understand that dating is not a monogamous venture. I may be making choices in my head but I don't necessarily share them out with those that I am dating.

I say this and not just because I am a person pursuing those interested in polyamorous relationships but rather because it's a part of the U-Haul mentality--SOME can feel you don't really care unless it's exclusive dating, next thing you know, blam you're moving in and you didn't mean to be. Phrases like, 'I couldn't stand it if someone else shared your bed', or 'you'll need to make a choice before this relationship can move forward' are manipulative and people may not even know that's what they're doing---but innocent manipulation is nonetheless, that.

If one of you doesn't make the move--i.e., let's kiss, hold hands, have sex, go our separate ways--then you might as well be best high school girlfriends making cookies on a Friday night. If you're not the aggressor, but you're wishing someone would make a move, then tag, it's probably you that should be 'it'.

Rope--

[~ocean]

Although i do agree w. certain parts of ur post Rope.. I deff do not agree w. holding back ur opinions on who u r dating. I always belive in open communication , being said, I would accept all decisions made by the person I would be dating ~~ Yes gay woman do have a tendency to move to fast ~ usualy in their younger years. Fortunetly at my age I know what I feel and I do expect that from someone else my agedoes as well. This part is geared to internet dating ( the new world of dating) people should take time to wacth someone of interest, get to know them , leading w. ur mind & soul and not your LOINS. Some ppl have long history of jumping from one person to another and keeping a few in the backround to fall back on ~~ RED FLAG ~~ the honest communication , and attraction with an abundant of desire for this person you have taken the time to know is healthy. When u hold back what you are thinking about this person u have intensions with is a ~~ RED FLAG ~~ Bottom line; enjoy dating ~~ be patient , honest , voucher w. integrity and listen. Let the art of seduction continue ~~

[Sachita]

First of all I don't Google anyone. I may do a background check if they get to the point of moving in.

I need lots of time to know someone. I don't ever just hop in bed with anyone no matter how turned on I am. I'm not saying I never have, I have a few times but most of the time I take a long time getting to know someone. I must like you and enjoy spending time around you.

I like to date. I enjoy cooking us dinner, having you serve me (lol) going to walks, a bit of flirting and maybe some slow dancing. I like to let things simmer for a long long time.

I want to fall in love with my best friend.

[macele]

Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. --Rope

the golden rule! works every time.


lesbians are no worse at dating than anyone else lol. i've never done the uhaul thing, and i think i make a rather good date, being lesbian and all. just thought i'd put that out there.