Why can't I.....

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

When Jackhammer and I were dating long distance I would fly to LA for a week or more and for at least the first 10 trips I would send her to the store.

Generally for Diet Dr. Pepper.

As soon as she pulled out of the driveway, it was a mad dash for the bathroom! Fling open the door, turn on the fan, pre-spray the area with Glade, open the window, crap as quickly as possible while flushing the whole time, and then when done you have to stand there fanning the door back and forth to force the smell out the open window.

Lmao... it sounds so stressful.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

I blame my mother or everything. And TP issues... oh gosh. I remember going to a friends house, I had to have been around 6, maybe 7, and her mother handed me ONE square of TP when I went to use the bathroom.

I wasted more money on the tons of soap and water I used to wash my hands then it would have to cost hand over one or two more.

My mother, bless her heart, was only trying to make sure I learned 'the rules' the right way - her mother, gramma, was not far behind her either!

LOL!

Matter of fact, I have to have practically a years worth of toilet paper in the bathroom cabinets (it's got a cabinet of its own) or I will feel like I don't have enough toilet paper - not to mention pads, tampons, shampoo, air freshener (I use scentsy's now), and music - got to have a radio or something in there.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Tantalizing, I would suggest for the first few calls, make yourself more comfortable by not letting Dapper know that this is a "poop call." If Dapper questions any grunting sounds or general exertion in your voice, just tell DB that you happen to be in the midst of preparing a gourmet cheese plate for yourself and that you are having some difficulty with opening a jar of olives.

omg... that is hysterical.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Tantalizing, I would suggest for the first few calls, make yourself more comfortable by not letting Dapper know that this is a "poop call." If Dapper questions any grunting sounds or general exertion in your voice, just tell DB that you happen to be in the midst of preparing a gourmet cheese plate for yourself and that you are having some difficulty with opening a jar of olives.

OMG.

THIS.

YES!

I can't breathe...

[Kätzchen]

* three pages in less than five minutes*


LOL!


26 members present seconds ago
(several several 'guests')

[Parker]

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

[ruby_woo]

This thread is amazing. I can poop at work, at the mall, etc., and not a single fuck will be given, but there's a friend I have kind of a crush on and I CANNOT poop at his house. Or, if we're traveling and staying in a hotel together, I can't poop in the hotel either.

Unfortunately, he has no filter and will say things like "Wow, you sure did let out a big fart in your sleep last night." Thanks buddy.

We're going down to Bumbershoot in Seattle for the upcoming long weekend, and I am not looking forward to 3 days of not pooping. I'm hoping I can sneak away to Nordstrom for a few minutes, they usually have nice bathrooms.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Parker

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!!

OH...OH....hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[princessbelle]

Maybe we could form a support group and get each other's phone numbers and call for back up.

Like...say i call Novelafemme

"Hey this is belle i gotta do the dirty and Bully is in the living room watching TV and i'm stressing out"

Novelafemme could say something like...

"It's ok, just wait until a good part of the ballgame comes on as a distraction and sneak off to the bathroom".

Then i say...

"I CAN'T WAIT. I'M CROWNING. I NEED HELP."

or something along those lines.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

Lmao... it sounds so stressful.

It was!!

What finally got me to just take my dump and be unapologetic about it was that we started having this giggling conversation about how we had been friends for 5 years and had talked about shit in almost every conversation. Jackhammer was like, "What is wrong that we talked about it for 5 years and nobody wants to do it?"

I was like, "You first, honey!"

Needless to say, I was visiting her when the urge hit and I was like "It's now or never in my head". So I boldly stood up and announced, "I'M going to POOP!"

Jackhammer laughed at me and I was all proud of myself.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and boldly crapped with her sitting just down the hall in the living room.

I was so proud of myself!

Until I tried to flush the toilet.

I flushed and nothing went down.

I flushed again and some of it went down and stopped.

The toilet gurgled.

Water started coming up toward the top.



I watched in HORROR as the toilet came within centimeters of overflowing and my "work" made stripes around the bowl.

I considered crawling out the window.

I ran water in the sink to try to make it sound normal.

I waited for the water to recede in the toilet enough that I felt safe flushing again.

I flushed.

Gurgle.

Nothing happened.

More water rose back up.

I realized at this point that I had plugged the toilet up.

Perhaps in my toilet paper zeal.

Perhaps because I had been holding it for 3 days.



I must have been in the bathroom for a long time because, next thing I know Jackhammer is in the hallway, mere feet from the door, asking if I'm ok.

"Uhhhhh.....", I said.

"Babe?", she said.

"Um. DON'T COME DOWN HERE!", I said.

"WHY?", she said.



"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, BABE!", I shriek.

"BABE! Tell me you are OK!", she said.

"I'm OK but I.......I need........"

"WHAT do you need?" she asks

"I NEED A FREAKING PLUNGER AND DON'T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD!", I bark at her.

Needless to say, she bursts out laughing.

I burst out laughing.

And I am laughing so hard that when she says, "Come out of there and let me plunge it", that I literally fall back over the tub and almost rip the shower curtain down.

She wiggles the door handle at this point.

I am laughing and trying to yell at her to "GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. FUCKING. DOOR!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I ended up sticking my hand through the door where she thrusts a plunger to me and I take care of the ordeal myself.

Yes, we laughed.

Yes, I was mortified.

Yes, it opened the floodgates for shitting because after that? I didn't give a fuck anymore. I mean, you can't really go back to being a secret shitter when you stop up the fucking toilet in your honeyboo's house.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Parker

Oh god, this thread - I am laughing so hard, I am crying over here!

You know, when you have IBS, you have to be ok with pooping anywhere you need to poop, no matter where it is or who is around to hear or smell - I actually carry around a small spray bottle in my pocket so I can continually spray (Febreeze, Glade, whatever) while I'm doing my thang.

At home, I burn incense lol - and the only thing I do differently when I have company or when I am dating is I shut the door.

My mother always complained that my father always pooped right before the guests would arrive at the house for a dinner party. She would grab the lysol and spray the entire upstairs. And because we were little and not invited, we were stuck in our rooms upstairs with the stink. (AND, she would leave the bathroom door wide open and not shut it to contain the smell)

To this day, whenever I small lysol spray, I always think it smells pooey.

[Novelafemme]

O

M

G

!

I am going to bed before I explode.

Amen.

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

"I CAN'T WAIT. I'M CROWNING. I NEED HELP."

This is the best. It's the turtle...

Maybe I can do practice calls with you guys...

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

It was!!

What finally got me to just take my dump and be unapologetic about it was that we started having this giggling conversation about how we had been friends for 5 years and had talked about shit in almost every conversation. Jackhammer was like, "What is wrong that we talked about it for 5 years and nobody wants to do it?"

I was like, "You first, honey!"

Needless to say, I was visiting her when the urge hit and I was like "It's now or never in my head". So I boldly stood up and announced, "I'M going to POOP!"

Jackhammer laughed at me and I was all proud of myself.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and boldly crapped with her sitting just down the hall in the living room.

I was so proud of myself!

Until I tried to flush the toilet.

I flushed and nothing went down.

I flushed again and some of it went down and stopped.

The toilet gurgled.

Water started coming up toward the top.



I watched in HORROR as the toilet came within centimeters of overflowing and my "work" made stripes around the bowl.

I considered crawling out the window.

I ran water in the sink to try to make it sound normal.

I waited for the water to recede in the toilet enough that I felt safe flushing again.

I flushed.

Gurgle.

Nothing happened.

More water rose back up.

I realized at this point that I had plugged the toilet up.

Perhaps in my toilet paper zeal.

Perhaps because I had been holding it for 3 days.



I must have been in the bathroom for a long time because, next thing I know Jackhammer is in the hallway, mere feet from the door, asking if I'm ok.

"Uhhhhh.....", I said.

"Babe?", she said.

"Um. DON'T COME DOWN HERE!", I said.

"WHY?", she said.



"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, BABE!", I shriek.

"BABE! Tell me you are OK!", she said.

"I'm OK but I.......I need........"

"WHAT do you need?" she asks

"I NEED A FREAKING PLUNGER AND DON'T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD!", I bark at her.

Needless to say, she bursts out laughing.

I burst out laughing.

And I am laughing so hard that when she says, "Come out of there and let me plunge it", that I literally fall back over the tub and almost rip the shower curtain down.

She wiggles the door handle at this point.

I am laughing and trying to yell at her to "GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. FUCKING. DOOR!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I ended up sticking my hand through the door where she thrusts a plunger to me and I take care of the ordeal myself.

Yes, we laughed.

Yes, I was mortified.

Yes, it opened the floodgates for shitting because after that? I didn't give a fuck anymore. I mean, you can't really go back to being a secret shitter when you stop up the fucking toilet in your honeyboo's house.

My stomach hurts I'm laughing to hard.

I can just imagine the horror when you saw the water started rising... and the silent pleading for the water to stay in the bowl.....

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

This is the best. It's the turtle...

Maybe I can do practice calls with you guys...

Anytime!!!! We can call it code green. Brown sounds too icky. Code green in the hospital is a hostage emergency.

I believe this qualifies.

G'night all.

[Medusa]

I farted in June and Kat's bedroom at 3am while Sassyleo snored on an air mattress and Cara was getting ready for bed.

And then both June and I got in trouble because we couldn't stop giggling about it.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Anytime!!!! We can call it code green. Brown sounds too icky. Code green in the hospital is a hostage emergency.

I believe this qualifies.

G'night all.

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I'm colorblind !!!!!!!!

[tantalizingfemme]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

I'm colorblind !!!!!!!!

We could call it code "fire in the hole"?

[Medusa]

Back in the old days on the Dash site, there was a Bash in New Orleans in 2003 (I think?).

Well, I went downstairs to the room where they were having the Meet and Greet and saw like 20 people filing out of the room. I thought for a split second that I had missed it but quickly realized when I entered the ballroom that someone had farted and done that "crop-dusting" thing where they had spread it all around the room.

[Sun]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I farted in June and Kat's bedroom at 3am while Sassyleo snored on an air mattress and Cara was getting ready for bed.

And then both June and I got in trouble because we couldn't stop giggling about it.

You need your own TV show.

Priceless.