Questions for Transguys from other Transguys

[DapperButch]

Hey, guys!

I thought I would write a thread for transguys (FTM, or anyone who identifies as male or male leaning) to ask other transguys questions, for when they don't want to make a whole thread.

For me, transguys/FTMs who are a part of the B/F/T community fits best for my identity, so regular FTM forums don't meet all of my needs.

[BestButchBoy]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Hey, guys!

I thought I would write a thread for transguys (FTM, or anyone who identifies as male or male leaning) to ask other transguys questions, for when they don't want to make a whole thread.

For me, transguys/FTMs who are a part of the B/F/T community fits best for my identity, so regular FTM forums don't meet all of my needs.

Bump. Bumping. Bumped.

[JDeere]

Okay how do you go about doing the "I am transgendered talk", with someone you are dating?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Okay how do you go about doing the "I am transgendered talk", with someone you are dating?

I've always told them how I identify before we started dating. 'Cause, why would I date someone prior to knowing if they would be attracted to the person I am?

I would tell her/him/them as soon as possible. Especially if you still plan to take hormones and therefore live as male. It is only fair to them to know up front.

[Hominid]

I hope to read some responses here - I have been in a few long-term relationships, and dated here and there between. Everyone has already known - for the most part. With a few women I have worked around, long after transition, as soon as I sense an interest might be present, a friendship or more developing, I usually pull them aside and with my usual wit and humor say, "there's something most people here don't know, I've had a sex change" - it's just the easiest verbiage for me to get out quickly, to make the point as fast as possible and get OUT of the conversation. If she's still interested, it shows and we follow up. Another reason I use the "sex change" phrase, as passe as it is for us, is that I have on a few occasions told someone using "trans" in some form and I could see h/im struggle for a moment and them some version of "are you going from male to female or vice versa?" comes out. It always cracks me up - I've at times pointed out that if I wanted to be a female, I would not be dressing as a male. Then again, it occurs to me now that s/he has no idea where I am in the process, and which way I'm going.

All that said, the vast majority of women I've gone out with have known up front - either from web sites (a couple OK Cupids, this site, Fetlife), or rarely, someone from the community in which I have lived for many years and raised my kids - so they have either heard of it or knew me at the beginning of the process.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Hominid

I hope to read some responses here - I have been in a few long-term relationships, and dated here and there between. Everyone has already known - for the most part. With a few women I have worked around, long after transition, as soon as I sense an interest might be present, a friendship or more developing, I usually pull them aside and with my usual wit and humor say, "there's something most people here don't know, I've had a sex change" - it's just the easiest verbiage for me to get out quickly, to make the point as fast as possible and get OUT of the conversation. If she's still interested, it shows and we follow up. Another reason I use the "sex change" phrase, as passe as it is for us, is that I have on a few occasions told someone using "trans" in some form and I could see h/im struggle for a moment and them some version of "are you going from male to female or vice versa?" comes out. It always cracks me up - I've at times pointed out that if I wanted to be a female, I would not be dressing as a male. Then again, it occurs to me now that s/he has no idea where I am in the process, and which way I'm going.

All that said, the vast majority of women I've gone out with have known up front - either from web sites (a couple OK Cupids, this site, Fetlife), or rarely, someone from the community in which I have lived for many years and raised my kids - so they have either heard of it or knew me at the beginning of the process.

Hey, Hominid, I am glad you came into the thread. I was thinking about how my response to a non-T guy/Pre-T guy (JDeere), may be different from what I would say to someone (like yourself), who is on hormones and is living as male.

Although I believe it is up to the individual in all cases, for some reason I tend to think that if you KNOW you are going to take testosterone and live as a male, that you should tell that person sooner rather than later. I mean, they think they are going out with a female. Shouldn't they know they are dating a male (assuming the person plans to transition with hormones)?

For the guy who is already on testosterone/living as male, the person can see that they are dating a guy from the get go. So for me, that is more foggy. There is no longer a "fairness" issue there, in the same sort of way. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with that statement, though. But, maybe that is only for those people who don't see FTMs as "real men"? Anyway...

Now, that I am on testosterone, and living as male (name change in 6 days!), I don't know how quickly I would tell someone (if I were looking). I think I would tell them as soon as things seemed to be moving in that direction (like you do), but I no longer see it as a "fairness" issue, in the same way I do a guy who hasn't started the medical process of transition yet. The person can already see I am male. Does this make sense?

I think that both pre-T and actively transitioning men have the right to make their own decision about when to tell and what to tell, but the above is how I reason it all out for myself.

I like the way you go about it, Hominid.

[JDeere]

Thanks Dapper and Hominid!

I am going to start the conversation soon with her, possibly tonight when she gets home from work and settled in.