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Old 09-01-2011, 05:06 AM   #41
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(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

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Old 09-01-2011, 05:26 PM   #42
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Today has been such a terribly emotional kinda day again..
i always think i'm strong enough to handle seeing people eat things i'm abstinent from - i put the brave face on...

and then when i'm home - i break down & am SO hard on myself..
it's so f*cking hard some days -
i'm calling for counselling tomorrow
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:56 AM   #43
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(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

mmmhmm, it's been a shock to her system since i've been letting go, lately.. She isn't liking that it's all on her, she was much happy to have me take care of him so she didn't have to.. i always felt a sense of duty since i've been doing it since the age of 8 years old pretty much, maybe a lil earlier.. but just lately, a lot of anger surfaced within me about his alcoholism and how much it runs my life.. i'm a single mother of two teenagers and it's been difficult to keep them, myself AND my father afloat.. Not the last time but the time before he was hospitalized, the doctor took me aside and told me flat out that what i had been doing all these years was enabling him.. i didn't see it as such, but since then and over the course of of this year, i've been seeing it more & more..

The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only....

he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe..

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now..
Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be..

i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it?

So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me..

Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me..

So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity..

thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on..
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:57 AM   #44
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Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..
this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:34 PM   #45
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this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"
thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:35 PM   #46
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PS - to those who have PM'd me & emailed me, i will be responding sooooon.. i don't have time to tonight and tomorrow i'm taking a daytrip to get some things done for my trip to Oregon, but i will sit and respond soon as i can, just didn't want you all to think i forgot about you's.. And sooo appreciate the advice, the encouragement and YOU!

(((biggest hugggs)))
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:18 AM   #47
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thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))
i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:29 AM   #48
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i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!
that's what i am so scared of too, finding someone through my insurance and then us not clicking.. prior to even starting counselling, i had my mind set that i didn't want it and it wouldn't work for me, due to trying counselling in the past and it being a bad experience for me.. finally, i went to counselling through my EAP and honestly, within weeks that woman helped me work through so much of my stuff, i owe her a lot.. And after my 4 weeks, she referred me to Mental Health where i would get further counselling, or so she thought...

Sadly, they've nothing to offer counsellingwise where eating disorders are concerned, but, i am working with a dietician, going to my OA meetings and will do the different courses they're offering me.. One is called Crisis & Skills, which deals with everything from stress to being mindful to relaxation breathing, etc.. It's every Monday afternoon.. And then i will be starting another course called Craving Change, which is helpful in changing eating habits and wanting to lose weight etc.. So, even if they aren't eating disorder oriented, they have tools i can use for sure.. There are other courses available too , like self esteem and things like that which i will work on as well in time, don't want to do everything at once and overwhelm myself.. One course at a time..

i have a doctor's appt on Sept 21st, to get my test results and will ask her to refer me someplace for counselling in hopes she knows someplace else that can help, and if not, i'll break down and go through my insurance, they'll cover 80%, so that won't be too bad.. At least something!

In the meantime, i will be purchasing books that have been suggested to me, i love reading and could get a lot from that most likely too.. So making good use of my tools that 'are' available anyway!

i soooo agree with you dc, putting treatment together is one heck of a challenge.. it took so much to admit i needed the help, now that i have there isn't much out there to help.. it's one helluva scary journey to walk alone, thank goodness for the support and encouragement i get through Mtn & friends, or i'd be one lost girl...

((((((hugggggz)))))))
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:42 AM   #49
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Yesterday, i had to go on a daytrip, all by myself in a strange city..
i brought healthy snacks with me for throughout the day but when it came to lunchtime i realized i needed to make a decision where to eat - most places offer salads, but just being in the environment is hard when everything else is available and can smell the smells of grease etc..

i'm not a fastfood eater, never have been really but - since seeking help, i swear i crave everything from a fat juicy burger (and i dont even eat beef!) to pies and sweets and cake which i've never been a sweet eater either..

So, right now i just don't trust myself in any environment incase...
i walked until i found a Subway, which i know is a safe place for me, the no no smells are very minimal there, (dang their cookies always look SO good, lol) but, i did good, and drank water all day too..

Small things to celebrate but sooooo worth celebrating!

PS - just between the last post and this one, i got a call from a place i left a message for and seems they DO offer counselling for eating disorders, and i can get free sessions through work (4) and if it's something they determine i need for a longer period of time, they can apply for an extension!

How fabulous is that!? so i'm waiting for a call back! *crossing fingers*
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Old 09-11-2011, 09:17 PM   #50
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i'm a little frustrated in finding a counsellor..
i think my only route will be to pay for counselling on my own, and not through the various places we have here, because they do not offer long term counselling.. Nor will my work EAP support long term counselling, 4 sessions only - and if they think your issue is a long term one, they turn you away..

So, i have an appointment with my family doctor on the 21st, and have my fingers crossed that she can help as a last resort, and if the last resort means paying for counselling, i feel it's a must for me and i'll find a way - it is rather expensive but we have such a lack of resources, sadly..

i am taking the courses suggested, and attending meetings, as well as surrounding myself with as many tools as possible - i can do this & am trying with everything i have in me.. Because this is extremely important to me..

Heard this tonight, & liked it.. " we're not guilty for having it, but we're responsible for treating it.."

& PS - a super big thank you to all of you who have been messaging me privately, leaving reps and of course, posting in here, publicly.. i realize posting here publicly is also opening up your situation for all to see, and it takes a lot of strength and i recognize this & really appreciate it.. Because it also lends advice & help to those who read silently.. and i know they appreciate it too, so much...

((((huggggz))))
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:05 AM   #51
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Thumbs up Recovering compulsive overeater....

Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme
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Old 10-14-2011, 08:20 AM   #52
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I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:33 PM   #53
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Thank you both for posting ♥
and for bumping this thread, i need to get posting in here myself..
It's a useful tool for me, and i'm doing well on my journey..
But with many struggles just the same - so i will be back!
i've attempted twice to respond, as well as update on my own situation..
it's with difficulty, i get emotional about this stuff - but i will!

i love that people take the time to post in this thread, i know it's not easy to put it out there, and so i completely appreciate that you do.. Because it not only helps me, but those who do read and can't post, and it's so terribly important that they've resources for help too ♥

i will be back, with thoughts soon!
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Old 11-11-2011, 07:29 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post
I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.

i can relate Anya, my past is where my eating disorder began.. i didn't know this , but not too long ago, i had an intake appointment at Mental Health and looking back in my files, i was bulemic.. It's very puzzling to me, that i was bulemic even as a young child, because no one ever said anything about it to me through life.. When i brought this up with my mother, she claims she had no idea - *shrugs* But, in knowing that, everything makes complete sense to me.. i do remember my purging through teenage years, however & right through early adulthood..And on to my situation today, the binging & purging...Looking back over time, i can see the progression.

i am bulemic - that's very hard for me to say.. i usually say i'm a binger & a purger, that's easier for me.. Everyday i am dealing more & more with accepting that word, bulemia.. i still have a hard time believing it.. i find the word very overwhelming - like i have something bigger to gain control on, and it's like i'll never get there.. Same with my weight loss, i tend to lose by setting goals of 10 lbs, rather than setting a big goal of losing a whole lotta lbs.. That makes me fall off track, because i get overwhelmed like i'll never get there..

my father is an alcoholic, & my mother was caught up in her own drinking & partying along with him & friends.. As a child, i remember as early as 5 & 6 years old, having to fend for myself.. i made my own meals, i got myself ready for school days, and i learned the importance of responsibility very early in life.. At the age of 8, i had my own key to the house and stayed home alone, tending to house the best way i knew how at that age.. my meals were of course pretty basic, and early in life learned my love of quick unhealthy meals, sugary treats and junkfood.. i don't remember purging as a child, though they have it filed that i did.. But i do remember the poor eating habits developping, overeating portions, that food hangover afterwards and sadly, through life as time went on, it got worse until recently...

my parents were never supportive, i started with mild weight issues as a teenager, but fell into that negative headspace i have fought most of my life from early childhood - and when i look back to then, my teenager years, my pregnancies, past relationships, etc i realize now why i have/had so much inner stuff to get a handle on before even taking on this journey i am walking today.. Though my weight never went up & down like you, i have continued to gain through life, and am now a food & sugar addict on top of everything... i have just learned recently my food addiction is separate from my eating disorder, and so i am developping tools to work through it all appropriately.. But, digging through the past is such a must in getting myself to the right headspace to take all of this on.. Until i was ready mentally, weight loss was not an option for me.. i tried endlessly to commit to helping myself (weighloss-wise) and there was just no way.. i would lose some and gain more back..

So i definitely understand the struggle of getting oneself there mentally.. thank you so much for sharing , the more each of you share, it opens me up to sharing.. i only just recently recognized i had to do something to help myself, and only just VERY recently have admitted i need help further than helping myself, by reaching out, whether by meetings, counselling (which i STILL cant get no matter how hard i try, sighs at the lack of resources here), and will be reaching out for a sponsor soon.. But also this thread, and reaching out to friends and being vocal about this, it's very hard yet very helpful to me overall..

Thank you for sharing Anya!♥ (((hugggz)))
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Old 11-11-2011, 07:50 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by DressyFemme View Post
Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme
i need to say a huge thank you to you, first of all.. i really appreciate the share, and the information as well.. This journey is very new to me still, i am learning everyday new tools and i still have so many struggles to work through .. Some days are better than others - but i'm gaining knowledge and learning to accept this as it is and be as open as i can about it, because in turn being accountable is helping me to seek more help i need.. Though i've known for years and years that i ate too much, that would purge when i knew i overate, that i craved sugars and certain foods and had no control on them but i was very ignorant to the fact that i had a really BIG problem and needed help.. So, admitting my own truths, putting it out there & seeking help has been .. well..some days it's been like a breath of fresh air and other days it's overwhelming, chaotic & uncontrollable.. i feel the most fragile i have ever felt in my entire life.

my strength *then*, stemmed from my silence & hiding from everyone. (But today i realize my strength is in helping myself and being as honest as i possibly can).. i currently attend OA meetings, almost daily.. Some face to face and some online - i have not sought out a sponsor, i had a very hard time admitting i couldnt do this on my own, until a few weeks ago.. Even still, i procrastinate it.. Last night, i was in an OA meeting and one lady used her time to speak to stress on her experience of being a sponsor and how needed that part of recovery is ..Her words clicked with me - and so this will be my next goal. my struggle right now is that i know i need counselling for the eating disorder, but we have a serious lack of resources here, it's sad. The only way i can do it is by paying for each session which is costly, and as a mother of 2 teenagers who struggles , it's just not do-able.. my work benefits do not cover for this, unless my doctor could of course push for it, and she doesn't seem interested enough.. i need a new doctor, she's more about cramming as many people into her day than she is about quality time and working with her patients.. We have very few meetings for OA, i have managed to find a dietician to work with - but otherwise there is just nothing around to take advantage of.. i feel roadblocked and so i set off on a researching adventure online to find something, anything!

Your post & your journey are so motivating for me. The steps you took for yourself, wow.. i have many similarities in the things you have had to work through, and you give me so much hope, thank you for that.. Sincerely!
And thank you for posting that link, i will be visiting it today along with the ones i have for OA and researching lots more. Much, much appreciated!
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Old 11-11-2011, 10:54 AM   #56
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Default Eating Disorders & Insurance

[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:50 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl View Post
[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]
Thank you so much for posting this..
Although i am in Canada, and i know everything works a bit differently here..
i certainly am not giving up the fight & your post encourages me to keep trying, i know there has to be something, ANYthing somewhere for me.. i have an appt with my doctor coming soon, and i know i can get some help if she would just refer me, and i will push her on this.. She is very difficult to get to sit and listen, she's so anxious to push people out the door and bring someone else in.. i dislike that, very much. As for my health benefits through work, they only cover 4 sessions, which is SOMEthing, but just not enough.. i used my 4 sessions this year already, and when i was going it helped me so very much.. But, once my sessions ended, she referred me to Mental Health for further counselling, figuring that they had some sort of counselling program to offer..

Mental health is of no cost here, that's where i first tried but surprisingly, they have nothing at all to offer (counselling included) with eating disorders.. They do in other cities etc, just no one here where i live.. The resources here are very, very little.. Another place that does offer counselling, charges 75 dollars a session, once a week..

If i were to pay on my own, then i know i simply just could not afford it.. So right now, i'm working on a referral from my doctor, then hopefully i can either find something that will be fully covered, or maybe even if my work benefits would cover half at least.. Anything helps..

i'm not giving up, because after the week i had last week, it proved to me just how fragile i can be, and how easy i could go back to old habits.. Though i fought my way through it, it was a highly emotional week for me and i know counselling would be such a blessing right now...i have all my other tools in place and use them all daily - but i need this..

*crossing fingers*

Hope you all have an easy week this week.. ((((BIG huggggz))))
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Old 11-21-2011, 09:07 AM   #58
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i am really excited..
my Doctor isn't in this week, she's being covered by another doctor who works in the same clinic.. Which means, i get the chance to talk with another doctor, and it's one that i've seen before when my doctor was out and she's really wonderful..

This is a great thing!
my appointment is tomorrow at Noon.. =)
After the week i had last week, i feel really positive about tomorrow!
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:50 PM   #59
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i have noticed lately that the whole episode of my illness seems really unreal to me now, and that scares me because i am afraid if i forget how miserable it was, i run the risk of relapse

but when i think about all of the desparate things i did it's like my mind shies away from it

i thought coming to this thread and describing it would help me remember

i don't want to trigger anyone do i will type in white


this time two years ago i would have made a list of every holiday party and gathering, along with an estimate of the calories i might eat at each one

then i would add up the party calories

Then i would count the days between today and New year's and multiple the number of days by the maximum allowable amount of calories per day

then i would take the total maximum allowable calories, and subtract the party calories

then i would take what was left over and divide that by the number of non-party days. This would give me the amount of calories i could eat on non-party days

usually this number was under 500

but, if i kept under 500 on non-party days, i could eat normally at parties and no one would think i might be anorexic AND the calories would average out with the non-party days and i wouldn't gain any weight

i would print a calendar from the computer and write each day's allowed calories on it and carry the calendar with me in my purse.

at the end of each day i would write down everything i had eaten down to the last Altoid (3.33 calories each, rounded to 5 to be safe) and check it against my calendar


it was miserable!

thanks for being here {{{{eating disorders thread}}}}
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Old 11-25-2011, 10:28 AM   #60
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((((((dc))))))
i'll put my response in white as well, because while i know my own triggers, i don't know what could be considered triggers for others, and i really, really appreciate you doing that so i could be mindful of this and do it myself (and will use in the future too when talking of my own triggers..i'm learning everyday, and thankful for this thread for that reason.. This is all so new to me still and i hardly understand my own triggers and journey.. i do gain a new understanding everyday though and it's due to things like this thread, and people who share with me.. Thank you!♥

It *is* miserable... It's very hard not to get caught up in it that way, for me i obsess the calorie intake as well as my weigh ins... As for my weigh ins, i just simply cannot have a weight scale.. if i did, i would weigh myself not just daily but every moment through the day it crossed my mind.. (before i put food in my mouth and after i put food in my mouth.. thinking of putting food in my mouth, etc..) i weigh in once a week at work, the one who has the scale won't let me near her office until the following week...

Right now, while being on a weight loss journey as well, i need to keep a calorie intake to be sure i am making my calories, because i tend to want to eat less and less, because in my mind the less calories i take in, the easier it is to lose weight.. But, separating the healthy calorie intake from the obsessive, is difficult...i definitely rely on my tools each day to do this..In reality, i am setting myself up to binge later on in the day if i'm not eating appropriate well balanced meals & taking in at least 1200 calories a day.. Knowing that 1200 is the lowest i should go, some days i don't quite make 1200, but others, i am very obsessive about keeping it as low as possible, and goodness if i touch a lil over 1300 calories, sigh. i get easily frustrated with the amount of calories i have to eat, so i have this inner argument with myself everyday.. i keep using my tools each day which help me struggle through this.. i even get angry over food at times when i am putting food into me and don't want to.. Other days, i want to so much and get angry because i know it'll put me over in my calories..

Realistically, i could eat even 1500-1600 calories, and when i was binging i was taking in well over 3000+ calories a day... i could cry looking at that number, but instead i'm obsessively counting the calories each day.. so i share in what you said, and do understand.. i found myself nodding while reading your post...& if i didn't have a circle of support right now the way i do, i know i would be doing something similar and purging even, probably.. These last few weeks i've had some incidents, and went to the doctor .. i know i could easily go back to what i was doing, even after all the work i've done.. i hate that everyday is a struggle to keep myself on track and that binging & purging comes so easily to me.. i know this isn't right - but i'm still also very protective of it all and hate letting it go... small steps i gather..


Thank you for sharing, once again i know the difficulties in sharing..and am so appreciative that we have this thread & that you all do it, whether here in the thread or privately ..i am so very grateful, because the support and knowledge are so important to me, as i'm sure with all of you.. So i really, sincerely thank you..Everyday, i'm learning..

(((((((((((eating disorders thread)))))))))))
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