Poly-friendly mingling/flirting thread

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I have thought about this more, so I have a bit more thought on this...

Your thoughts about a communal household the way you have put them in words, does not fit my definition of polyamory.

It's just communal living, once my sexual, social, personal space is having to have the acceptance, ok, or green flag from 7 other people it becomes way to oppressive for *me*..

It would be like moving in my parents, or sibling, or any other kind of person who is going to have the expectation I show up for supper.

That would make me *cry*, *scream*, *run away* etc etc..

Some people don't like onions and mushrooms, I would be all shades of upset if my palate is not satisfied let alone all my other compartments...

There's a movement in Europe called co-housing. It provides a bit more personal autonomy than straight-up communal living. SweetBliss's ideal living situation sounds more like co-housing to me.

Either way, you're right that it doesn't have much to do with polyamory since it doesn't involve matters of the heart or the gonads.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

But what would happen once a resident of Grandma's House For Responsible Adults found a partner? Would they have to move out? What about sleep-overs?

And then there would be the inevitable secret pairing-up of GHFRA residents. I have visions of Responsible Adult residents sneaking furtively through the halls in their shearling slippers and flannel nightgowns, looking both ways as they hope the hinges don't squeak while letting themselves into their illicit lover's bedroom. And then getting busted trying to sneak back to their own room at dawn. It reminds me of walking smack into my father in his bathrobe as I snuck back into my upstairs bedroom window a little later than usual when I was a teenager.

Funny, but he never said a word to me about that time.

Sounds like the complaint of nursing homes after Viagra came out on the market (true)!

[PearlsNLace]

Ive discovered that I dont actually like communal living. I want my own kitchen and bathroom. I want to go to bed with no one still up playing stupid music when Im trying to sleep. I dont want to harrass anyone that its their time to buy the toilet paper, the soap, or to vacuum anymore.

Its great to have a household of lovers or friends until it is not.

Currently, while my partner is pregnant and dealing with hormones, and then probably for a while after the baby is born my life looks very strangely monogamous. And I am finding that I'm ok with that for the interim.
However, its awesome that all that crazy communal living Ive done in the past.. actually seemed to build community that lasted.
Im lucky. Im not alone.
But Im also glad to have a place like the planet- to reach out to others. Because community matters a lot to me- I think it may be my lithium, my prozac, and my valium.

[JustLovelyJenn]

My bio family sometimes jokes that we need to buy one piece of property and all build a house on it. I know that having everyone I consider family on a single piece of property is impractical, however, this is the type of feeling and enviornment I hope to someday create for my home. One where people feel comfortable and welcome, and involved, no matter if they are staying for dinner, or moving in.

I think its important to have both time together and time apart. Whether the people are intimately involved or not, I want a group that is comfortable in each others spaces, that can work together in a communial living environment, but still have the ability and right to spend time apart. I know that likely, it will not be an easy thing to accomplish, but its something to work towards.

Somehow, I feel like this thought is not complete... but, its where I am leaving it for now.

[nycfem]

Just wanted to let people know that we also have a butch femme compound thread, ya know, like forming a butch femme compound to go live on. Might be a better fit for some than the poly thread.

[Sweet Bliss]

Well, depending on who would be interested it might evolve into a more fluid arrangement or more structured depending on needs of the group.

Ya I would say it's more like co housing... being greedy and selfish and not playing well with others prevents me from going poly..... for example I would never want to share my Honey with ANYONE.

Am thinking it would be more folks who don't want to live alone, or might need minimal assistance or would improve standard of living.

My fantasy would be being "den mother" for an established poly group. I enjoy lots of physical contact, so would be nice to cuddle on couch with group members, share back rubs, foot massage etc. Like I said, fantasy ..... with that right?

My fantasy group would be Wolfyone, Katniss, Scotsontherocks, Huge-smile, Daktari and me. All funny, neat/orderly , artistic, worldly, great cooks etc. And never a dull moment.

Well, anyway..... that's all. Thanks for reading.

[Sweet Bliss]

Originally Posted by nycfem

Just wanted to let people know that we also have a butch femme compound thread, ya know, like forming a butch femme compound to go live on. Might be a better fit for some than the poly thread.

thanks, will go look for it.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

My bio family sometimes jokes that we need to buy one piece of property and all build a house on it. I know that having everyone I consider family on a single piece of property is impractical, however, this is the type of feeling and enviornment I hope to someday create for my home. One where people feel comfortable and welcome, and involved, no matter if they are staying for dinner, or moving in.

I think its important to have both time together and time apart. Whether the people are intimately involved or not, I want a group that is comfortable in each others spaces, that can work together in a communial living environment, but still have the ability and right to spend time apart. I know that likely, it will not be an easy thing to accomplish, but its something to work towards.

Somehow, I feel like this thought is not complete... but, its where I am leaving it for now.

Ok so I have a question for you and other femmes even other Alpha's no matter how they id. Whenever I have had a Poly House and many that I have heard of been around there has usually been one Alpha for the poly house. However, more and more I am meeting people that let's say wants me as a primary but also wants to see another Alpha. Since we are talking communal living and poly relationships then add to the fact that I prefer to have everyone I am seeing under one roof (in an idea setting of course).. My question is is it even possible to have more then one Alpha in a House or will our egos kill each other? Has anyone ever experienced it or seen it happen successfully?

I have once in a gay males poly house but there was still a hierarchy with a Master and a Sir and the submissives. I am just curious what others thoughts on the matter is,,,,

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by ~KnightsBlade~

Ok so I have a question for you and other femmes even other Alpha's no matter how they id. Whenever I have had a Poly House and many that I have heard of been around there has usually been one Alpha for the poly house. However, more and more I am meeting people that let's say wants me as a primary but also wants to see another Alpha. Since we are talking communal living and poly relationships then add to the fact that I prefer to have everyone I am seeing under one roof (in an idea setting of course).. My question is is it even possible to have more then one Alpha in a House or will our egos kill each other? Has anyone ever experienced it or seen it happen successfully?

I have once in a gay males poly house but there was still a hierarchy with a Master and a Sir and the submissives. I am just curious what others thoughts on the matter is,,,,

Are you talking a poly household or Leather Communal living?

I am confused, cause the polyamory thread is now mixed in with communal living


Thank you in advance for clarifying

[JustLovelyJenn]

I don't think I have ever considered having more then one "alpha" in a house. I am trying to think back over past situations, and even considerations, and I can't see that for me as a possibility. I do like the idea of having everyone together, that is deffinently in my "dream come true" file, however, the higherarchy needs to exist... I don't like the potential for my partners to be competing with one another, that doesnt sound like a peaceful family life to me.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Are you talking a poly household or Leather Communal living?

I am confused, cause the polyamory thread is now mixed in with communal living


Thank you in advance for clarifying

I was trying to get back to the poly thoughts so a poly household but most of my experience with actual poly households are Leather Poly household.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by ~KnightsBlade~

I was trying to get back to the poly thoughts so a poly household but most of my experience with actual poly households are Leather Poly household.

So I am gonna explain how it would go for *me*, this does not reflect how others would run their particular space.


If I coupled up with/ decided to mentor/ fall in like with/ decided to combine families with/ and they happened to be a peer(another Alpha.Master.Dom.Top), I would most likely do so with someone I have hand a long time, and I mean LONG LONG time Leather relationship with, it would have to be a REAL TIME exchange where both our houses were mingling, socializing, getting to know one another period of consideration and planning for a future blend of Households.


My peer and I (An Alpha.Master.Top.Dominant) would be to busy getting things in order, (having already spent a great deal of time together with all our peoples) to even have to worry about some weird *Alphas killing eachother* kind of bullshit up in my sacred space, that kind of weird chest bumping I am *Alpha* so therefore I have to be in charge of it all is NOT going to function well in a House that is being constructed under the guidance of 2 Dominants.

Dominants with common sense are going to talk about how to handle and check their egos at the door before exposing any of their property to that kind of unnecessary drama and stress.


If you (GENERAL) have an issue with other Alphas, then you're (GENERAL) best bet is to be the ONLY Alpha in your household, it will save a lot of grief.


As for having all the people you are *seeing*, *fucking*, *dating*, *courting* etc under one roof, *I* couldn't do it.. *I* need breathing room, I need private one on one time, individual time in an individual space, where I am not having to worry about (insert slave's name here) having to see, watch, and be around private intimate moments between me and (insert whatever here)

That for *ME* is to messy, I like to keep my compartments nice and tidy and in seperate drawers.


Leather Women/Men run successful poly families with just one Master, Master and Mistress at times, Master with alpha submissive exploring Top side and bringing in a boy.girl it goes on and on.


It's the work that people have issues with sometimes, not the poly or idea, it takes work, consideration, empathy, and responsibility to make it work.

Thanks for the interaction

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

So I am gonna explain how it would go for *me*, this does not reflect how others would run their particular space.


If I coupled up with/ decided to mentor/ fall in like with/ decided to combine families with/ and they happened to be a peer(another Alpha.Master.Dom.Top), I would most likely do so with someone I have hand a long time, and I mean LONG LONG time Leather relationship with, it would have to be a REAL TIME exchange where both our houses were mingling, socializing, getting to know one another period of consideration and planning for a future blend of Households.


My peer and I (An Alpha.Master.Top.Dominant) would be to busy getting things in order, (having already spent a great deal of time together with all our peoples) to even have to worry about some weird *Alphas killing eachother* kind of bullshit up in my sacred space, that kind of weird chest bumping I am *Alpha* so therefore I have to be in charge of it all is NOT going to function well in a House that is being constructed under the guidance of 2 Dominants.

Dominants with common sense are going to talk about how to handle and check their egos at the door before exposing any of their property to that kind of unnecessary drama and stress.


If you (GENERAL) have an issue with other Alphas, then you're (GENERAL) best bet is to be the ONLY Alpha in your household, it will save a lot of grief.


As for having all the people you are *seeing*, *fucking*, *dating*, *courting* etc under one roof, *I* couldn't do it.. *I* need breathing room, I need private one on one time, individual time in an individual space, where I am not having to worry about (insert slave's name here) having to see, watch, and be around private intimate moments between me and (insert whatever here)

That for *ME* is to messy, I like to keep my compartments nice and tidy and in seperate drawers.


Leather Women/Men run successful poly families with just one Master, Master and Mistress at times, Master with alpha submissive exploring Top side and bringing in a boy.girl it goes on and on.


It's the work that people have issues with sometimes, not the poly or idea, it takes work, consideration, empathy, and responsibility to make it work.

Thanks for the interaction

Thank you I can actually see that working and like you I would have to know my peer a long time before even considering such a mingling. I also agree that there are many forms of poly families ran by Leather Women/Men that are very successful because they are willing to do the work involved. I haven't seen/ran into much chest thumping in the Leather community at least not among those that have been at it awhile. I was just asking because I was actually talking to someone about the possibility of having a poly family with more then one Alpha but I think they were referring to non Leather situations and I wanted others opinion on if it was even possible or something they would want. Since I realize there is about a 1000 and 1 ways to do poly or non mongomy....Thank you again for answering

[Ms. Meander]

All of this communal living talk is giving me heart palpitations! Even though my current living situation is not so far off from "communal" -- it's challenging to me sometimes. The only reason it works for me is that I have absolute autonomy, my personal space is large and well removed from the others, the others respect my need for space (mostly), and it has nothing to do with my love/sex life.

This gal loves her "me time". For those of you who feel you require a good amount of time to yourselves and greatly value your autonomy --- how do you balance that with multiple lovers and/or play partners?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Good boundaries. Very good ones.

after working in the sex industry I have NO issue anymore in telling people no. cause punters will hound the living shit out of you for free time if you don't have good boundaries. Everyone wants a freebie. even if it's just talking to you for long enough to jerk off secretly while they make a fake booking.

So I'm very, very good at not responding to texts if I am not up for it. I just ignore it. I pretend its a phone and I'm not home to answer it. It's a message, not a giant loudspeaker demanding my attention.

If I'm busy with me I don't answer texts or phone calls or emails. If they throw a tantrum about it, we aren't going to work.

the people it does work with, if they don't get an answer, they bugger off and go do something else.

I am not seeing or screwing anyone right now, but that is how I have done it. I am an extrovert but I do need my independence and autonomy and my me time. And so I don't guilt myself into accomidating other people in that time. End of.

If I don't do that? I have a mental health melt down.

[imperfect_cupcake]

(And this is also why I can't do 24/7 stuff. I piss top/dom leather people off who are into 24/7 or old Gaurd because I come first, then my school work then they do. Dominant who don't need me to be attendant to them 24/7 don't find this an issue. Also getting told "you're bossy" really? Oh dear. "And sarcastic" gosh. I'm glad you told me this. I'll get right on that.
I tend to not really get along with. Those who just laugh at those answers instead of cracking a whip I'm going to ignore, I'll get along with incredibly well. And those will be the ones I wind up giving myself over to, down the road)

[Ms. Meander]

I am much more of an introvert (except when I'm not!) and I'm new with this "effectively asserting my boundaries" thing. I've turned over a new leaf lately and am feeling much more confident in my ability to meet my own needs and make sure I am involved only with people who respect my boundaries, particularly my need for space when I'm taking it.

Admittedly, I have yet to be challenged in this very much since I've made some internal changes (although some), so I'm just bolstering myself and listening to other people's experiences. I'm not really a "Fuck off" kind of person. I like to communicate gently, but some people can't hear what I'm saying unless I hit them over the head with a 2x4. They get one big bonk over the head and a discussion of how this needs to be different in the future - then if it happens again, that relationship is likely going to end or transform to platonic friendship. I've recently had an opportunity to practice this effectively. Sadly. But it feels pretty great to assert myself and come out feeling good about myself rather than like I've compromised my own needs too much.

[Ms. Meander]

I'll also add that part of what took me so long to "get it" has been that my boundaries were all mixed up in power dynamics, and being submissive. What I am experiencing *now* is that I can more fully submit and enjoy my experiences when I start on equal footing and make all of my own boundaries absolutely clear, and know I am heard and respected. THAT's hot!

Plus, I might be starting to explore some more dominant tendencies within me.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I'll also add that part of what took me so long to "get it" has been that my boundaries were all mixed up in power dynamics, and being submissive. What I am experiencing *now* is that I can more fully submit and enjoy my experiences when I start on equal footing and make all of my own boundaries absolutely clear, and know I am heard and respected. THAT's hot!

Plus, I might be starting to explore some more dominant tendencies within me.

I love how you just put this out on the table to examine, I think that happens a lot in poly relationships, people have a misconception and people who have submissive tendencies, character, habits will fall prey to someone who can manipulate them to think that *messy* poly is *acceptable* poly.


Submissive.bottom.slave does not mean you get to be treated like shit, manipulated, lied to etc.

Thanks for bringing that up!!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Nor does it mean you are on beck and call all the time.

Many people don't understand boundaries unless stated very clearly. I know some people are conflict avoidant and thus hate stating them bluntly and obviously. One of my best mates and my flat mate is like this. She an introvert, quiet, submissive and very avoidant. She does what she's told in order to please but gets very pissed off when someone doesn't meet her needs. She often talks to me about how upset she gets with her gf who is very dominant and says things and does things that upsets her but she thinks the whole world will turn upside down if she says anything or says "no" - her no usually looks like her being slightly uncomfortable and then trying to smile and saying well... Just let me check on that. And hoping you'll forget to ask her. She hints at no, rather than saying it outright.

Then gets upset her gf pushes. Or doesn't notice that she needs to talk because she's hinting at it.

I've told her over and over she needs to point blank say it. But she can't. It terrifying for her. And since her gf doesn't know her like I do (25 years) and her gf is a plain speaker, dominant and blunt, she thinks Emily means what she is saying.

I'm not saying this is you. I'm talking about this because three of my closest friends are all submissive introverts that often lose themselves in relationships because of this and have avoided relationships for years because of that fear. Em finally got into one but has fallen right back into it. It makes me sad to see them do this. My one friend has three Doms but refuses to be in a relationship with any of them. Sex only. They call when they want her, which is about every six weeks. She actually comes and talks to me first if she needs to say no because she gets highly anxious about it and freaked out. Sometimes I have the urge to just grab the phone out of her hand and type "no thanks, I'm busy tonight." If I put a softener at the end of that like "too bad though cause it sounds hot" to try and not 'hurt their feelings' they will see that as an opportunity to say "well if it is, then say yes anyway."
I keep telling her it's still polite to just say no without having to explain yourself. She doesn't like not trying to give reassurance when she says no. But it often gets her harassed for it. I now don't give reassurances unless someone asks me for them. That was another lesson. And I now find them actually kind of irritating if someone attempts to reassure me when I haven't asked/don't need because it feels like I'm being "softened" or "pandered".

Believe it or not I was really similar in a relationship. Until I did escorting dom work. Then I was exposed to extremely needy submissive men with a lot of privilege. And it cleared up my boundary problem in a tick lol. Sex work did wonders for my boundaries issues, more than 9 years of therapy did, anyway lol.