Butches & Their Ex's Children

[Wolfsong]

So I was sitting here playing Bubble Shooter. It is an addictive & mindless game to be sure, but it helps me shake off the work day. I just kind of sit here for a bit and play this game while listening to Pandora.

Today I heard this song for the first time and my mind wandered, not back to Shewhosnamemustneverbespoken but to her daughter. Her daughter that I loved as my own kid. In the disaster that was my relationship, this one little flower with freckles and a big smile won my heart. I hung on to that relationship for far too long for that kid....and I let the go for that kid.

I want to be clear in that I was not there to raise Natalie. My ex and I were actually together for a very short time in the grand scheme of things. So I do not have the same perspective as a couple that had a baby together or raised children together for a long period of time. I loved her mother and I loved her though, as I thought that I was loved in return.

I went up there a bunch of times after we broke up you know? Mostly to see her daughter, Natalie (not her real name). When my ex realized that she pretty much had my arm up around my back when it came to Natalie, she started using it to her advantage. She started threatening me with not being able to continue my relationship with her and so forth if I didn't do what she said. She wanted me to end friendships with the women in my life that I thought of as sisters, she wanted me to give away my dog, dye my hair jet black, use a specific deodorant, all kinds of crazy shit that made no sense whatsoever.

So I took most of it (I didn't get rid of my sisters or my dog). I took it until I realized that I was not doing what I thought I was for Natalie, which was being there and not giving up on her. Too many fights, stuff that isn't good for kids, most of you can imagine the routine. In the end I realized that the very best thing that I could do if I really did love her like my own was to kick rocks and not come back. There cannot be a middle if there is not two sides.

Natalie is in her 20s now and in college. I kind of know how she's doing from a far distance. I'm proud that she carried on and is making what appears to be a happy and successful life for herself. I'm going to leave it as it is. I know that if I make contact there is a chance that my ex will resurface and our lives have been far too peaceful for far too long to let that happen.

I know that many of you have gone through similiar experiances, some of them a hell of a lot more painful, others a hell of a lot more successful. I don't really know where I wanted to go with this now that I've typed it all out. I guess I just heard this song, felt a tug at an old heartstring, remembered that 2 hour trek north,and was hoping that she is really happy in her life.

[always2late]

I am very sorry you had this experience, not that you had a child in your life, but that you lost her due to her mother's selfish attitude. I have heard this story over and over from friends, partners, lovers, etc.. and I still find it so disheartening. A child is not leverage, or a bargaining tool. I'm a mother, it is my job to love my son and do what is best for him. If what is best for him is to maintain a relationship with someone who is important in his life but no longer in mine, then I need to love my child MORE than I dislike my ex. I've only had one ex who was important to my son...and our relationship did not end well. I never denied her access to my son and encouraged her to maintain a relationship with him. She chose not to, she said it was because it made her new girlfriend "uncomfortable", and that is fine...that was her choice. But the door here was always open for her to be part of my son's life (just not part of mine).

[skeeter_01]

First of all, thanks for this thread! I was with my ex for 14 years, after we had been together about a year her ex husband agreed to let us take custody of their 2 boys. The oldest was 10 and the youngest 6

We lived as a family for 13 years. I raised those 2 from pups! When our relationship ended, I lost touch with the boys. And then out of the blue, the youngest one (now 19) contacted me.

I really like the young man that he's turning out to be!! I'm so very, very happy that we've re-connected! He's proof of what everyone used to say when they were kids, "Boy, you two are good parents! Your boys are so polite and well behaved!"

I would change saying "No" so often. We didn't have much choice, through out our 14 year relationship, there were only 3 years when both of us were working at the same time and at times neither of us were working...we said "No" alot.

Are there things that I'd do differently as their parent? Absolutely!! But facts are facts, we did the best we could with what we had. We made sure from the begining that we got into family therapy to talk about our new family and how to handle it outside of home. We went to every IEP (for the oldest) as a couple and were treated very respectfully by all the teachers and administrators in our area!

There were things that I wish we could have changed but, not the fact that I have a son and we love each other! I have another son too but, I haven't heard from him yet...time will tell...

[Wolfsong]

Originally Posted by skeeter_01

There were things that I wish we could have changed but, not the fact that I have a son and we love each other! I have another son too but, I haven't heard from him yet...time will tell...

That's the most important thing you know? I'm really happy for you that it worked out this way.

I think my most significant epiphany in the whole experiance is a different understanding fathers who "abandon" their kids. I used to think that they were among the lowest of the low. True, some of them are. I just think now it's just too easy to say that they as a group are douchbags without looking at things from another perspective and on an individual basis.

I remember the last argument that we (my ex and I) had (because she was angry with me for intervening a disciplinary action in which she was so angry I thought for certain that she was literally going to hurt Natalie physically) where she said, "You have a uterus, go have your own kid." I suppose she had a point to a certain extent. I had no legal rights. We weren't even together at the time. I didn't even have "partner privilege" to really have an opinion. At the time that really hurt. She had encouraged and fostered this relationship while we were together (and when she was in a good mood) from the very beginning. Now that it was there, I didn't know where to go with it.

Tricky thing these relationships that we have. Marriage for us in most places is not yet legal and we cannot create life that consists of both partner's DNA. I've met many a butch along the way (and a few femmes too) that had a family and when it fell apart there was nothing anyone could do about it. Things worked out the best for me and for them. I could not see myself for the rest of my life having to live with the rock around my neck that is my ex. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been to co-parent with her. I'm willing to bet she could say the exact same thing. We have a very different value system. The same differences that made us impossible partners would have made parenting a horrible nightmare, particularly for Natalie.