Friends of Bill W.

[tomboystud]

May 24
Risking vulnerability
“As we grow, we learn to overcome the tendency to run and hide from ourselves and our feelings.”
Basic Text, p. 85
––––=––––
Rather than risk vulnerability, many of us have developed habits that keep others at a safe distance. These patterns of emotional isolation can give us the feeling we are hopelessly locked behind our masks. We used to take risks with our lives; now we can take risks with our feelings. Through sharing with other addicts, we learn that we are not unique; we do not make ourselves unduly vulnerable simply by letting others know who we are, for we are in good company. And by working the Twelve Steps of the NA program, we grow and change. We no longer want or need to hide our emerging selves. We are offered the opportunity to shed the emotional camouflage we developed to survive our active addiction.
By opening ourselves to others, we risk becoming vulnerable, but that risk is well worth the rewards. With the help of our sponsor and other recovering addicts, we learn how to express our feelings honestly and openly. In turn, we become nourished and encouraged by the unconditional love of our companions. As we practice spiritual principles, we find strength and freedom, both in ourselves and in those around us. We are set free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of our fellow addicts.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will openly and honestly share with another recovering addict. I will risk becoming vulnerable and celebrate my self and my friendship with other NA members. I will grow.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

there's a woman living deep inside you dying to come out now don't you be so hard on her she hasn't been alive as long as you.
~Susan Cavin

The old and the new coexist within us. Some days, the voice of the new is strong. We can hear the part of us that wants recovery from addiction or abuse, that has a vision of change in our work and relationships, that wants to be expressed more completely, or that is quietly growing in dignity and self-affirmation. On other days, the new is all but silenced by the loud voice of our old ideas, We can create more hospitable conditions for our new selves by remembering to be gentle with ourselves and patient about our rate of progress. We can seek out people, places, and things that support what is new and positive in our lives. Once new visions have taken root within us, we need not fear that they will disappear. Continuing growth and change are inevitable, as long as we keep listening to the new voice within.

Today, I am willing to let go of an old negative idea and encourage my new self to speak.

[KCBUTCH]

9 years today
Super grateful as I asked my professor if I class early today, he asked why and I told him "I am 9 years clean and sober today and I want to go take a cake at my AA mtg" he thought it was the best reason to leave he had heard in a while....

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 25


Princess No More



Decent is less obvious than accent and so it is with dethroning; those who put you upon the gilt alter with much aplomb feel no qualm in taking you down with not as much as a word or a grunt. The wind has changed and your reign is over, the poor startled girl is suddenly in the street. For a scepter is not a club and why fight for a throne, which is proven to be nothing more than a straight backed chair once separated from its right relationships. The horror of unexpected common status is for the young bride an issue of safety and trust not of ego or presumption. Who is she without the Prince, the Knight, she is Princess No More.



Take time to wipe unshed tears


*

NO GOLD STARS

I look at my chart
Then my chest
There are no gold stars

I long for the affirmation
Of my Great
And seemingly endless struggle

I watch the movements of those shiny shoes
And hope to be awarded
With the gummed insignia

When I hang by a thread I desire corroboration
Of foil cutouts to assure me I have done the right
I have stayed alive

Punishment I fear less than lack of consolation
But no one truly knows my bravery
And if I want these paper emblems
I can just go and buy my own.

[tomboystud]

May 25
“Good” and “bad” feelings
“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.”
IP No. 8, Just for Today
––––=––––
Most of us seem to unconsciously judge what happens in our lives each day as good or bad, success or failure. We tend to feel happy about the “good” and angry, frustrated, or guilty about the “bad.” Good and bad feelings, though, often have little to do with what’s truly good or bad for us. We may learn more from our failures than our successes, especially if failure has come from taking a risk.
Attaching value judgments to our emotional reactions ties us to our old ways of thinking. We can change the way we think about the incidents of everyday life, viewing them as opportunities for growth, not as good or bad. We can search for lessons rather than assigning value. When we do this, we learn something from each day. Our daily Tenth Step is an excellent tool for evaluating the day’s events and learning from both success and failure.
––––=––––
Just for today: I am offered an opportunity to apply the principles of recovery so that I will learn and grow. When I learn from life’s events, I succeed.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[tomboystud]

We were considered magical people by some people. We were considered mysterious.
~Jim Everhard

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people have not always been feared or hated in the best. There has been a range of responses to our orientations and behavior, including the belief, in some cultures, that we had magical or shamanic gifts. For example, there are Native American words, such as the Dakota wingkta and the Navajo na'adleeh for those believed to posses both male and female spirits. Most Native American groups treated us with respect, and in some, we were revered as healers. In our own time, there are places where we are recognized and respected as especially innovative and sensitive. We are not despised everywhere by all people-far from it.
When we, too, refuse to fear or reject any part of ourselves or one another, a very real kind of magic occurs. We help change the balance of acceptance and understanding in the world. We add to the world's capacity for love. Our numbers are great and widespread, and our potential to influence the world for good in infinite.

Today, I recognize the power of my own attitude; I am willing to increase unconditional love and acceptance in the world by offering it to myself.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 26


If Garfunkel Was Here

Speak of the dead and paint the living. Paint them in a good light when you can and into a corner when you have to. Read the books of future generations rather than acting as the arrogant, who attempt to write these volumes. Expunge nothing leave it all on view, but move past it after taking in the implications. Water flows under the bridge until it collapses then it carries the bridge away. So, speak of the dead don’t drown them, paint the living don’t stain them, look to the future don’t dictate to it and let the water run.


Rinse off your first impressions


*
FREQUENTLY

When my daydream gets so threadbare
I no longer use it
I must turn to other sources.

When I cannot conjure on my own
And elucidation makes me cross-eyed
I must turn to HP.

I have puttered and prolonged
The way to naming this legendary
And fabulous enigma.

I drew out even longer
Any desire for close association
With the same.

I have milled with the millstone
And surfed in the whirlpool
Drug my feet and thrown a fit.

This only stalled the inevitable result,
Naming and interaction is the need
And now is the time

I have a Higher Power
And I chose to call it
Frequently.

[tomboystud]

May 26
The Power in the group
“Our understanding of a Higher Power is up to us.... We can call it the group, the program, or we can call it God.”
Basic Text, p. 24
––––=––––
Many of us have a hard time with the idea of a Higher Power until we fully accept the depth of our own powerlessness over addiction. Once we do, most of us are at least willing to consider seeking the help of some Power greater than our disease. The first practical exposure many of us have to that kind of Power is in the NA group. Perhaps that’s where we should start in developing our own understanding of God.
One evidence of the Power in the group is the unconditional love shown when NA members help one another without expectation of reward. The group’s collective experience in recovery is itself a Power greater than our own, for the group has practical knowledge of what works and what doesn’t. And the fact that addicts keep coming to NA meetings, day after day, is a demonstration of the presence of a Higher Power, some attractive, caring force at work that helps addicts stay clean and grow.
All these things are evidence of a Power that can be found in NA groups. When we look around with an open mind, each of us will be able to identify other signs of that Power. It doesn’t matter if we call it God, a Higher Power, or anything else—just as long as we find a way to incorporate that Power into our daily lives.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will open my eyes and my mind to signs of a Power that exists in my NA group. I will call upon that Power to help me stay clean.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.
Gilda Radner

We may associate the word creativity with a gift for bringing a poem, film. new business, or web site into being. But whether or not we work in a field we think of as creative, each of us has an enormous capacity for creativity and the need to express it in some aspect of our lives.
We all have the gift of imagination and daily opportunities to use it. We can pay attention to details as we create surroundings at home and work that speak to us. We can fill a page beautifully as we write a letter or list. We can appreciate color and texture as we plan a meal or choose what we'll wear. We can seek ways to bring freshness into our relationships, attitudes, and responses. One of the most powerful uses of our creativity is to visualize ourselves and our environments in new ways. In doing this, we collaborate with our Higher Power in increasing the world's supply of peace, hope , and love.

Today, I find an opportunity to use my creative imagination.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 27



ROUSs



Time passes, I clock it and count it and use its passage to construct a defense or accusation depending on my need. I use the calendar to condemn you because my feelings do not have sufficient leverage for my mental calculations. To prize disappointment from this scene I watch the water-clock waiting for adequate drops to lift the flood gate and free me from your unfulfilled promise and my unrealized hope. How long is too long to stand in a quagmire? Why do I feel the need for permission to leave the quicksand?



Match persistence with cheer


*
DOLL

Why is your face all red, asked my sponsor?
I didn’t get my way, I responded
And this crimson appearance is the result?

You see that it is
I was very careful about what I wanted
And worked hard to be reasonable.

And Baby , you were, you did nothing wrong
Your ego was in check
And you kept your expectations in proportion
Said my sponsor

Then why didn’t it work out my way?
I only have a sad and simple answer for you
The results had nothing to do with you.

Your wants, expectations or desires,
The whole experience boils down to only one thing
It wasn’t that type of party, Doll.

Oh.

[tomboystud]

May 27
Meeting the day’s challenge
“...the decision to ask for God’s help is our greatest source of strength and courage.”
Basic Text, p. 26
––––=––––
A challenge is anything that dares us to succeed. Things new and unfamiliar serve as challenges, whether those things appear good or bad to us. We are challenged by obstacles and opposition from within ourselves and from without. New and difficult things, obstacles and opposition, all are a part of “life on life’s terms.” Living clean means learning to meet challenges.
Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, took drugs to avoid meeting challenges. Many of us were equally afraid of failure and success. Each time we declined the day’s challenge, we suffered a loss of self-esteem. Some of us used drugs to mask the shame we felt. Each time we did that, we became even less able to meet our challenges and more likely to use.
By working the NA program, we’ve found the tools we need to successfully meet any challenge. We’ve come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, a Power that cares for our will and our lives. We’ve asked that Power to remove our character defects, those things that made our lives unmanageable. We’ve taken action to improve our conscious contact with that Higher Power. Through the steps, we’ve been given the ability to stop using drugs and start living.
Each day, we are faced with new challenges. And each day, through working our program of recovery, we are given the grace to meet those challenges.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will ask my Higher Power to help me squarely meet today’s challenge.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

Find someone like yourself. Find others.
Adrienne Rich

Whether as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender people or as those recovering form addictions, we are supported by our friendships and associations with others who identify themselves as we do. While we aren't limited to our kinship communities, we're strengthened by coming together with others whose experiences, commitments, and aspirations reflect our own.
Perhaps a dependency or an obsession has made our world narrow, or perhaps we feel the loneliness of an identity that has often been despised. The beginning of the end of isolation comes when we first reach out to another human being, willing to know him or her and to let ourselves be known. We can do so in safety within groups of people who accept and even celebrate who we are. As our chosen communities embrace us, we, too, can extend a welcome to newcomers and others like ourselves.

Today, I am strengthened by being part of a supportive community.

[KCBUTCH]

spent the wknd volunteering at the AA/Alanon conference for my 9 yr anniversary.. It was tiring but made me very grateful

[tomboystud]

I realized I was going to survive this loss. I learned that no matter how great my pain, or how alone and frightened I feel, I have only to remember.
Raymond Berger

When we're suffering, we may think that we're never going to feel relief. We may forget that we have already survived our past, and that joy has followed pain over and over again. We may neglect to use the resources within us and surrounding us that can help through times of pain. Prayer, creative expression, visiting nature, sharing feelings with people we trust, giving help and service to others, even performing simple meditative talks like washing dishes or sweeping a floor-all these have helped put broken hearts back together.
To be alive is to feel. We don't have to numb or deny our feelings of pain or loss. We can respect and acknowledge whatever we're feeling without fear. In time, we are healed.

Today, I remember that I have always lived through pain. I remember the many resources that help me to heal.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 28

Estranged


After long years I have made my own acquaintance, friendship is on a far distant shore. I know who I am and can recognize myself on the street or in a crowded room. I have a legitimate sense of wariness of the afore mentioned persona, nothing too nasty, just a discomfort. She is not someone I would bring home, maybe not even share a meal with but I can stand her, minus intimacy, minus any deep empathy. I feel an awkwardness in acknowledging her, strange as this might sound, she is no one to be ashamed of, not a truly bad actor and yet the reports say she doesn’t live up to her potential and I have it on personal authority that she actually surpasses it on most days and keeps this a closely held confidence. And there it is, I know her secrets but I don’t keep her. This is what makes me strange and her stranger.



Catch your reflection in the eyes of a friend

*

THE ONE I BOUGHT

There are fairy tales I never gave credence to
Multiple bear stories don’t move me
Cats with footwear have not warranted a second thought.

True love-----------
Now that one I still buy
Hook line and sinker.

Work hard---------
And true love will fix the rest
That is what I have always believed.
The evil spell I have walked under

During my sad little life will be broken
Only by the durable and fulfilling love of my betrothed.
Each time this plan fell through

The blame was left to the wrongness of the match
But not the wrongness of the plot

Anytime I work to be restored to sanity by one person
I have displaced a rightful power
And thrown myself to the sea.

[tomboystud]

May 28
As we understand
“We examined our lives and discovered who we really are. To be truly humble is to accept and honestly try to be ourselves.”
Basic Text, p. 36
––––=––––
As using addicts, the demands of our disease determined our personality. We could be whoever or whatever we needed to be in order to get our “fix.” We were survival machines, adapting easily to every circumstance of the using life.
Once we began our recovery, we entered a new and different life. Many of us had no idea what behavior was appropriate for us in any given situation. Some of us didn’t know how to talk to people, how to dress, or how to behave in public. We couldn’t be ourselves because we didn’t know who we were anymore.
The Twelve Steps give us a simple method for finding out who we really are. We uncover our assets and our defects, the things we like about ourselves and the things we’re not so thrilled about. Through the healing power of the Twelve Steps, we begin to understand that we are individuals, created to be who we are by the Higher Power of our understanding. The real healing begins when we understand that if our Higher Power created us this way, it must be okay to be who we really are.
––––=––––
Just for today: By working the steps I can experience the freedom to be myself, the person my Higher Power intended me to be.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 29


Queens: More than a Borough


My drama is bigger than yours. My drama can kick your drama’s ass. Well maybe not, but it sure is kicking mine. Like a rain soaked grave, I stand in this muddy hole, sides slick, unassailable and count the piles of tragedy, all the while knowing it will bury me not facilitate a climb out. I attempt to display the face of comedy and yet the mask can not fool me, my true audience. I think if I can keep it all up on stage I will be alright, but then the point of theater is that everything is carried away in the minds of all who come and watch. Silence doesn’t help either for there is little worse than a bad mime and doing it well just makes me Lillian Gish. So, back to Bohemia for isn’t it all a rhapsody, though it would all be so much better if Freddy Mercury weren’t dead.


String your dreams together and let them fly


*
HOSTAGE DOLL

A doll stands wedged between two mailboxes
Naked and exposed,
The edge of the road passing her by.

She is there to pay for my self-loathing
I throw my treasures in the air
As skeet to be shot and shattered.

Hate is the obnoxious microbe
Which sours my digestion
And rids me of nutrition and affection.

I purge love and tenderness
I rip the covers from my playthings
And leave them to bleed.

I hide in my self-destruction
I put garish displays streetside
And cry my tears alone.

I cannot ransom to pay the price of fear
I must bring in the broken babies
And put hate out on the curb.

[tomboystud]

May 29
Carry me
“We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.”
Basic Text, p. 58
––––=––––
We all have times when it seems as though our lives are falling apart. There are days, or even weeks, when it seems that everything that can go wrong is going wrong. Whether it’s the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, we doubt that we’ll survive the changes taking place in our lives.
It’s during the times when the world is crashing down around our ears that we find our greatest faith in a loving Higher Power. No human being could relieve our suffering; we know that only God’s care can provide the comfort we seek. We feel broken but we go on, knowing that our lives will be repaired.
As we progress in our recovery and our faith in our Higher Power grows, we are sure to greet the difficult times with a sense of hope, despite the pain we may be in. We need not despair, for we know that our Higher Power’s care will carry us through when we can’t walk on our own.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will rely on God’s care through the painful times, knowing that my Higher Power will always be there.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

The Eskimos got thirty different names for snow, I say, I read it in a book.
I've got a cousin, Rachel says, She got three different names.
Sandra Cisneros

There is such diversity within our community that at times we may be confused by the differences among us. What does an African American lesbian poet have in common with a gay white male college professor? What does the experience of a female-to-male transgender twenty-year-old have to do with that of a bisexual woman going through menopause? Instead of quickly categorizing and dismissing one another, let's take in the richness of our diversity. Let's respect what others have to share with us. We can learn from Twelve Step fellowships, where the pain of addictions and the joy of recovery are not merely personal but are shred in common, where emotional identification with others is a powerful tool of healing and growth. Let's go beyond tolerance, beyond merely paying lip service to the idea of community at once-a-year Pride events, and reach out to read, listen, and understand one another's experiences and dreams. Then, we will truly celebrate ourselves and each other.

Today, I reach out to understand and appreciate lives that are different from my own.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 30

RAID !!!

So, you stepped into a hornets nest and now how am I to respond? Blame you? No, I don’t think so, I mean you are the exterminator and some stings are to be expected, but this is far beyond even your honed ability to anticipate wasps. Cry, running from this ambush? Again, I decline I still want you after the war is over, even if I can not fight by your side. Protest, I try to refrain, I never want to make your job harder but I don’t want to leave the impression I have no concern, so I walk the fine line. Standing on the sidelines is harder than you think, I am helpless and lonely, not as exciting as your work and no comfort from this distance. I must hold my breath while you provoke the bees.



Stack your honest intentions as a hedge against a cold winter
*

TROJAN PERSON

I feel confused by the difference between love and war
The intensity and rush are too much
For my frazzled and betrayed emotions to sort out.

I feel like a Trojan person
I have all these children holdup inside
And they are waiting for peace and safety
So they can come out and sleep

For a time I allowed them to leave
For bathroom breaks one at a time
This was not a workable solution.

When these tykes would have a look around
They started to set fires and break hearts
Each child makes life a battleground
Fights and claws her way across the living landscape.

I must heal my insides from the center of my thoughts
Not send fragments of me to blend
With the unfamiliar and hostile world

Only when I can stand together
With my mind and heart safe within my being
Will I see a way to make love on my own terms
And leave war alone.