How Do You 'Let Go' of Your Kids?

[Words]

My 17-year-old son decided today that he wants to return to Israel, which was home up until 2 1/2 years ago when we moved to the UK. His father and much of his extended family are there, so I can understand his wanting to go back, even knowing that his life there will be far from easy (his father is Palestinian). I also know that this hasn't been an easy decision for him to make so in spite of being absolutely heartbroken - and I am - I'm trying to put on a brave face and not do or say anything that will make him feel worse than he clearly already does.

Thing is, it would be one thing if my son were returning to a country where he had even the smallest chance of making something of his life. But he's not. He's returning to a country where he will always be, and be treated as, a second class citizen, and where his chances of ending up in some kind of 'political' detention center, or worse still, dead or injured, are fairly high. And that is where I am struggling. I always knew he would grow up and leave. I just hoped and prayed that he would be leaving for something good.

So, my question, again...how do you let go of your kids? Because honestly? I just don't know how to do it.

Words

[SuperFemme]

I wish I had some words (no pun intended) of wisdom for you.

I cannot imagine the predicament you are in. I can only offer you my love and prayers.

[Words]

Thank you Adele.

I asked him today to at least wait until after Christmas but he said no, it would only make it worse for all of us (he's very close to B.). He was right, of course, but I'm telling you, right now there's a part of me that just wants to grab him and beg him to stay.

I really thought I was ready for this. But I'm not.

Words

[IrishGrrl]

OMG I dont know what I'd do. My son wanted to join the military, and selfishly I told him that if he did, I'd never speak to him again..(which wasnt true)..but it did stop him from going.

Talk to your son and tell him your conerns..that's all you can do.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Words,

I have a very good friend of mine who travels to Israel 3 and 4 times a year. He is a Rabbi, and stays for weeks at a time, and stays with friends. He never has had any trouble at all. But again, I am not sure of where he is going and staying. Plus being in the religious field, I am sure that gives him some safety.

As for your son, speak to him from your heart and soul. Tell him what is in it. That is all anyone can do. You raised a wonderful child into a man. I congratulate you on that. Be proud of that.

I wish you peace, and love.

Namaste,
Andrew

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Words

Thank you Adele.

I asked him today to at least wait until after Christmas but he said no, it would only make it worse for all of us (he's very close to B.). He was right, of course, but I'm telling you, right now there's a part of me that just wants to grab him and beg him to stay.

I really thought I was ready for this. But I'm not.

Words

I think I'd be frightened for him for all of the reasons you mentioned before.
I just watched a documentary on LOGO about being Palestinian in Israel. It focused on some gay men, but all the same I learned things I had no idea were going on.

I totally get you wanting to beg him to stay, I do. I also know the reasons you haven't. You are a good Momma and a selfless one at that!

I will pray for his safety and your peace.

[Diva]

Words, I just cannot even imagine how You are struggling to cope with this!! We all want our children to be safe, of course....and I would be so torn. Mini~Diva's going to Spain next year. But that's not Palestine.

I'm holding You in my heart....and praying for Your peace of mind.

[Words]

Thank you, all of you, for the support.

Right now, I'm alternating between weeping and frantically moving furniture around (don't ask) so just knowing that you're here means the world to me.

Words

[Bit]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Words}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh my dear heavens, darlin, what a painful spot for you! Seventeen seems so young anyway--most kids don't leave home until eighteen over here--but I guess since he's actually not leaving home so much as choosing to spend time with his dad, it isn't the same.

He has an advantage; he knows where he's going. He's not just a tourist. He already has some experience dealing with everyday strife.

I know that must seem pitifully small up against the potential danger. I'm so sorry for the inadequacy of it.

I will keep him in my thoughts and ask for protection for him. Do you mind telling me if he has a preferred spirituality? I don't wish to offend...

[Jet]

Sorry you're having to go through this, Words. Take care and be good to yourself.

[Duchess]

OMG, my heart feels so heavy for you right now. I wonder if your son really wants to move back or is he feeling some pressure from the father?

Duchess

[Julie]

Words...

I wish I could say to you this will get easier, but your situation is not the same as my situation, when my boys left home to pursue college. I certainly went through my mourning process of letting them go, and cried and cried.

But... What you are experiencing is on a level which is so deep. I spent a year in the middle east, primarily Israel and lived in the Arab section of the old city as a Jew. The majority of my friends were Palestinian and so, I am so sensitive to the injustices of our Palestinian community. There was a time when one of my son's wanted to go to Israel as a Zionist, and being anti-zionist myself, this crushed me. It was his birth right as a Jew (in his eyes), in my eyes, it was wrong and I did not support it, nor would I have supported his choice. Not after living among this community. He did not go, and I am grateful every waking moment. I gave him my WORDS, perhaps a bit strong within my views.

Again... As a human being I have no answers or words which can give you solace. I understand your fears, but cannot related to them on this level you are experiencing. Sometimes our children make choices for their lives which go against the grain of ourselves. We raised them this way, to be independent of us, to make choices and follow their dreams. In some ways, this has given me comfort, when they make choices which terrify me as their parent.

I will say this, you are still the Momma, and perhaps speaking with him about your needs as his Mom, what you will need to make this transition. Starting off with daily phone calls, sending him with a lap top which has a camera, so you two can see one another daily. That he as a young adult has a new responsibility and that is to behave like one. Let him know your fears and your reasoning for wanting to keep this very close communication with him. If he is ready to move to Israel and live among his people, then he is mature enough to take care of his Mom and provide this bit of comfort.

So, no more putting on a brave face, he is old enough to see you, as you feel.

Sending you so much love and support.

Julie

[Words]

I just bought the ticket and can barely see the screen through my tears, so excuse me if I don't make much sense.

Anyway, I do think that he's going, in part, because of pressure, not only from his father but also from the rest of 'that' side of the family. I also think though that in light of the ongoing attempts to force as many Palestinians as possible out of Jerusalem, he feels some kind of obligation to simply be there. I understand that. I also however feel guilty because I'm actually hoping that because he's been outside the country for over two years now, his Jerusalem ID will be revoked (in the past, Palestinian Jerusalemites could live outside for three years and still return, but that time limit has now been reduced to 18 months) and, with the decision made for him, he'll have no option but to return here (because he has a British passport, he would still be able to visit Israel for up to three months at a time). And yes, I know that sounds terribly selfish...it is selfish...but, well, he's my boy.

You know what really breaks my heart? Although I believe he needs to go, I honestly don't believe he wants to go. I helped him go through all his clothing earlier this evening -one pile to go, one pile for when he visits, and one pile for the charity shop (and yes, it was awful) - when I noticed he'd gone all quiet. So I went over and hugged him and told him that just as I know that this is something he has to do, he should know that if he wants to come home, all he has to do is pick up a phone. And then he cried. And I cried. And, don't ask me how, but I just knew that deep down, he really doesn't want to go.

Thank you, again, for the support. This is the one place where I can express what I'm actually feeling and I am so very grateful to you all.

Words

[Bit]

Whoa....... he doesn't want to go but he feels he has to...... Okay that is very valuable input and I will slant my energy to keeping him protected AND to easing his guilt. Forgive me, Words, if I don't have much to spare for your pain but right now I think his safety is paramount, yes? And what I have, I think must go to him.

[Words]

Thank you Bit.

[Bit]

Any time, hon. This is a truly serious issue and I cannot guarantee that we'll get the results we want, yanno? It's like having a child who decides to become a police officer... it's damned dangerous and there's no guarantee that our positive energy will grant perfect safety.

On the other hand, I am certainly willing to try! And I think if you take Julie's words to heart and tell him that if he is mature enough to go live in Israel he is also mature enough to stay in touch with you, it might ease enough of your pain to allow you to keep going.

[Words]

B. is on Hys way back from the airport as I write. As much as I wanted to go with them, I just couldn't (mainly for fear that the stress of saying goodbye, and in such a public place to boot, would bring on an asthma attack...last thing I wanted was my boy to go with the memory of his mom gasping for breath).

Anyway, it's been a rough - understatement of the year - few days. B. though is of the same opinion that I am - that it won't be long before my boy decides to come home. (I have this dream right now of him turning up unexpectedly just before Christmas...not likely to happen, but it can't hurt to hope.) He obviously didn't want to go and it really did seem at times that he wouldn't go, right up until just before he left. Plus, he actually told B. at the airport - B. just phoned to tell me - that he didn't want to go but ''needed'' to go for a few weeks. I have no idea what's going on, but I do know my boy loves me, and B., and his sister, and that he knows, beyond any doubt, that we love him in return. And that, in itself, gives me comfort.

I do want to thank you again though for the support. I've been telling myself over and over again the past few days, just think yourself lucky that he's not one of those 18-year-olds in Afghanistan, just think how their mothers must be feeling. Or the mothers on here (and elsewhere) who will never see their children again. Or, for that matter, any mother, anywhere in the world, whose child is sick, or dying, or dead. Still though, it hurts. And still, I am, in a kind of way, grieving. This thread though - parts of which I actually read to my son - has helped me immensely and I am so very grateful, not only to those who have posted, but to Medusa and Jack for giving me somewhere I can feel safe enough to ask for help at a time when I've never needed it more.

Thank you.


Words

[Julie]

Words...

Sending you love and support... Your baby will be home soon, for whatever his reasons are, he needs this journey -- but he will be home soon, he really has not even left. Apparent by what B has said.

With Love,
Julie

[Bit]

Couldn't go to bed without checking back here... {{{{{{{{{{{{Words}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you for the update. I was just wondering this morning (Sunday for me) how things were going, so I'm glad you had posted today.

We are both sending love and positive energy, and I am continuing to pray for his safety to his God as well as my own.

I'm sure this has GOT to be one of the hardest things any parent could go through; no, he isn't a soldier in a war zone, exactly... but he IS walking into danger all the same. May All-That-Is grant him safety, and grant you peace.

[jelli]

We have experienced this several times over and I don't believe it ever gets easy to "let go".

On the flip side, if/when they ever need to move back home again... that can bring about a whole different set of feelings and changes.

Good luck to all parents out there!