Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

Gemme · 11-15-2009, 11:03 AM

While I don't think this is going to be a popular thread, per se, I think it's an important one to have available to those who may need it. This is a safe space to discuss sexual abuse in all its forms as well as the coping skills we've adapted to survive it and the recovery process in general.

I'll begin, although many know my story.

I was molested by my 14 year old male cousin just before Christmas when I was 5. It was a one time event but changed my relationship with my mother significantly.

At 5, I realized that she would not be able to handle it and so I made the decision to keep the information from her. In that moment, I became the parent. For those who do not know, my mother was paranoid schizophrenic. There were many times in my life that I would actively take on the role of parent....the responsible one....the one who got the things that needed to be done, done, and this is the catalyst that began it all.

Without going into my whole family history, I was in the system for about a year and a half, getting out when I was almost 9. The reason my mother was able to get custody of me again was because she was taking her meds and was married to a 'stable' man.

Yeah.

During the next 10 years, this individual manipulated both my mother and I in the most horrible ways. He managed to talk his way into making a pact with me, that I would replace my mother in the wifely duties department in exchange for him not sending her back to the looney bin. His words. Nice guy, huh?

Of course this eventually developed into a deep resentment of and towards my mother, but that's pretty moot at this point.

During my 'training' in the art of pleasing men, many things happened. One, I developed a permanent medical issue that affects the way I physically respond to my partner. Two, I have several emotional issues that I deal with off and on, such as disassociation, raging, triggering, and shutting down.

I've never had professional help, such as therapy, but it's not because I haven't seen or desired the benefits of it. I just have not been able to afford that type of care. What I have done is research, in books, videos, and online. I've talked with close friends and my partners when I felt it was safe to do so. Talking....sharing....helps. When I am left to my own devices, I shrink into myself and sometimes that is a very small, dark place.

I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, though I dealt with guilt in various forms for a very long time before I was pretty much able to put it to rest. I still hate the man who abused me. He's deceased but that doesn't lessen the urge to rip him to shreds and make him hurt like he made me hurt. So, that's something that I'm still working on.

I'm still very much a work in progress, as we all are, but I know the things I need to work on and I have people in my life who support me and share the weight when the burden is too much for me.

I'd like this place to be a safe zone where everyone can share with and support another.

Peace.

Gemme · 11-21-2009, 03:36 PM

There is a case (many, many within this "one" actually) of several members of the Mohler family in Missouri abusing a number of children for several years. These men.....all related....forced children into mock marriages, child pornography as well as forcing some of them to assist in murders. These men disgust me. This case disgusts me. But I can't get away from it. There are some similarites to what I and some of my friends have been through that make it impossible to forget.

This may be triggering for some.

For informational purposes if anyone has not heard of this story:

Here

and

here

and

here

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-21-2009, 04:41 PM

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Andrew, Jr. · 11-21-2009, 08:19 PM

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

Gemme · 11-21-2009, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

*nods*

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-21-2009, 11:06 PM

Good to know this!!!

always2late · 11-22-2009, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means.

Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

NotAnAverageGuy · 11-22-2009, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by always2late

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

From the talks I have had with my friends, thats the first thing they tell me is that they were told to keep it secret or else they would be killed, etc.

So from now on I will keep an open ear on every word and just let them talk

Andrew, Jr. · 11-23-2009, 08:13 AM

Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.

11-15-2009, 11:03 AM	#1
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,587 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,179 Thanked 108,771 Times in 25,659 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival While I don't think this is going to be a popular thread, per se, I think it's an important one to have available to those who may need it. This is a safe space to discuss sexual abuse in all its forms as well as the coping skills we've adapted to survive it and the recovery process in general. I'll begin, although many know my story. I was molested by my 14 year old male cousin just before Christmas when I was 5. It was a one time event but changed my relationship with my mother significantly. At 5, I realized that she would not be able to handle it and so I made the decision to keep the information from her. In that moment, I became the parent. For those who do not know, my mother was paranoid schizophrenic. There were many times in my life that I would actively take on the role of parent....the responsible one....the one who got the things that needed to be done, done, and this is the catalyst that began it all. Without going into my whole family history, I was in the system for about a year and a half, getting out when I was almost 9. The reason my mother was able to get custody of me again was because she was taking her meds and was married to a 'stable' man. Yeah. During the next 10 years, this individual manipulated both my mother and I in the most horrible ways. He managed to talk his way into making a pact with me, that I would replace my mother in the wifely duties department in exchange for him not sending her back to the looney bin. His words. Nice guy, huh? Of course this eventually developed into a deep resentment of and towards my mother, but that's pretty moot at this point. During my 'training' in the art of pleasing men, many things happened. One, I developed a permanent medical issue that affects the way I physically respond to my partner. Two, I have several emotional issues that I deal with off and on, such as disassociation, raging, triggering, and shutting down. I've never had professional help, such as therapy, but it's not because I haven't seen or desired the benefits of it. I just have not been able to afford that type of care. What I have done is research, in books, videos, and online. I've talked with close friends and my partners when I felt it was safe to do so. Talking....sharing....helps. When I am left to my own devices, I shrink into myself and sometimes that is a very small, dark place. I know that the abuse wasn't my fault, though I dealt with guilt in various forms for a very long time before I was pretty much able to put it to rest. I still hate the man who abused me. He's deceased but that doesn't lessen the urge to rip him to shreds and make him hurt like he made me hurt. So, that's something that I'm still working on. I'm still very much a work in progress, as we all are, but I know the things I need to work on and I have people in my life who support me and share the weight when the burden is too much for me. I'd like this place to be a safe zone where everyone can share with and support another. Peace. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-21-2009, 03:36 PM	#2
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,587 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,179 Thanked 108,771 Times in 25,659 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	There is a case (many, many within this "one" actually) of several members of the Mohler family in Missouri abusing a number of children for several years. These men.....all related....forced children into mock marriages, child pornography as well as forcing some of them to assist in murders. These men disgust me. This case disgusts me. But I can't get away from it. There are some similarites to what I and some of my friends have been through that make it impossible to forget. This may be triggering for some. For informational purposes if anyone has not heard of this story: Here and here and here __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-21-2009, 04:41 PM	#3
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means. Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

11-21-2009, 08:19 PM	#4
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	NotAnAverageGuy, Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation. Namaste, Andrew

11-21-2009, 11:06 PM	#6
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good to know this!!!

11-23-2009, 08:13 AM	#9
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Every individual can be such an impact. One never knows what others have endured.