Medical Power of Attorney and Other Informational Help

[lyric]

Hi, everyone. I'm searching for any sort of advice from another person who has gone through a medical crisis involving their partner in a state that does not legally recognize domestic partnerships. A few months ago, Toxic's health took a turn for the worse and she has been diagnosed with two brain tumors. We have had power of attorney paperwork completed to enable me to communicate and make some decisions on her behalf when she is unable. (Some days she is great and functions completely normally and others not so much.)

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might be useful to someone navigating a situation like ours? Should we be armed with anything else in addition to power of attorney paperwork? I'm certain there are things I'm not aware of that would be useful, and I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I'd very much appreciate anything anyone is willing to offer either publicly or in private message.

Thanks so very much.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by lyric

Hi, everyone. I'm searching for any sort of advice from another person who has gone through a medical crisis involving their partner in a state that does not legally recognize domestic partnerships. A few months ago, Toxic's health took a turn for the worse and she has been diagnosed with two brain tumors. We have had power of attorney paperwork completed to enable me to communicate and make some decisions on her behalf when she is unable. (Some days she is great and functions completely normally and others not so much.)

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might be useful to someone navigating a situation like ours? Should we be armed with anything else in addition to power of attorney paperwork? I'm certain there are things I'm not aware of that would be useful, and I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I'd very much appreciate anything anyone is willing to offer either publicly or in private message.

Thanks so very much.

Lyric.... I'm sorry to hear about Toxic's health. I wish you both well.

I wish I could help you out. I don't know the answers. I think is a good topic and could help a few people out in their time of need as well.

Good luck to you!

[lyric]

Thank you for the kind words, Strappie. xo

[princessbelle]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and my heart goes out to you both.

There is a very legal side to this...as well as, a practical side. I am certainly not a legal representative, but in my years as a nurse i would be happy to tell you my experience and this may in some way help.

First of all, what a great thread. We ALL need our "ducks in a row" so to speak for our relationships and these things need to be determined way before they are needed.

There is a difference between a POA (power of attorney) and a MPOA (medical power of attorney), generally....meaning unless your POA SPECIFICALLY states you can make life deciding medical decisions, you will need an additional paper which is the MPOA. But, the POA paper can include the MPOA.

Also, it gets tricky if there may be family (meaning blood, legal) relatives who may want to fight, question or try and take away your power. If that may be the case...get the POA paperwork notorized. It doesn't have to be, but it is wayyyyy more convincing in an icky situation and usually cannot be overturned.

I want to add this......as far as nurses and doctors, IMO and personal experience, we NEED someone to make decisions and take that lead. You will for the most part be welcomed.

I used to work with AIDs patients and this was when it was new and families turned their backs for the most part, whether the patient was gay or not, families ran a lot. If there was a partner with this "patient" and one that stood by them, i would, and many would, decide this person was next of kin, basically by default. Generally, we would assign them the ID of sister, brother, whatever on paper but it's not like we were trying to defy the relationship and cause more heartache than the person was going through to begin with.

It got sticky when families were around and they didn't approve of relationships and most of them would even say they did not want the "partner" even near the patient, even denying visitation.

Needless to say, I would always find a reason for the family to have to leave the room for an hour or two and sneak the partner in. Point being.....most nurses and doctors won't fight you, it's not like on TV, for the MOST part, and will be happy you are there and will take your opinion and decisions to heart and abide by that.

But, be careful....get a POA that SPECIFICALLY states ....has the right to make LIFE DECISIONS..it has to be spelled out specifically. If not, get a MPOA and spell it out then....both of you sign it...and get it NOTORIZED. File it with your doctors and keep the original to yourself. Then, IMO and in my experience, you should be fine.

Blessing, light and love....

[wolfbittenpoet]

Medically surrogacy paperwork too. Notarized and witnessed. Listing you and one alternate who will also abide by Toxic's wishes.

[lyric]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

But, be careful....get a POA that SPECIFICALLY states ....has the right to make LIFE DECISIONS..it has to be spelled out specifically. If not, get a MPOA and spell it out then....both of you sign it...and get it NOTORIZED. File it with your doctors and keep the original to yourself. Then, IMO and in my experience, you should be fine.

princessbelle, thank you very, very much for this, because I wasn't aware there were two different types. (See? I AM clueless when it comes to this!) I just did a quick check in the folder and our papers do, indeed, read as you say and are labeled "medical power of attorney" and we did have them notarized just in case. She has not had much contact with immediate family in years because they are not exactly on board with the fact that she is gay, but this does not mean they won't pop up sometime in the future.

With the exception of the neurologist, everyone has been fantastic. When she was hospitalized initially, it was on an emergency basis and during that experience and the subsequent inpatient hospitalization, the hospital staff was wonderful to both of us... and we did not even have that paperwork at that point. During our follow-ups, the neurologist gave me a blank stare everytime I tried to speak up and sort of ignored me (even though Toxic really isn't able to relate what happens during her seizures due to memory loss) so that has left me a little frustrated. I'm not sure how to "make" them listen to me, if that makes sense. Luckily, we're seeing someone else for a second opinion on Thursday and I hope this guy is better.

Your reply was awesome and I really appreciate that you took the time to respond. Thank you!!!

[princessbelle]

You are so very welcome. You are getting a lot of great advice here and that totally makes me smile.

There is something else i wanted to add...as June mentioned. State by state things are different. This is not a "Federally governed legalatity" or so i have exerpienced. Find out what you need from your specific state.

I am glad that you have the MPOA and that it is notorized.

You are on the right track. You are doing great. Kudos to you for taking care of things NOW.

*hugs.

[lyric]

Originally Posted by June

Get everything notarized!

• Power of Attorney
• Medical Power of Attorney
• Right of Remains
• Make a will if one of you has property/belongings you want to go to the other, because I don't care how much your family loves you or appears to love them, money/property/possessions make people get real weird.

Also, there is something else, and I can't remember what it's called, but it gives someone the right to pull the plug on you. Someone else will know what that is, it's different than Medical POA. At least here in Oregon.

Adding all of this to the list, June... thank you!
I do know the document you're talking about, but the name is escaping me at the moment. If I weren't trying to think of it, I could probably name it. Go figure.

Thanks again!! xo

[lyric]

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

Medically surrogacy paperwork too. Notarized and witnessed. Listing you and one alternate who will also abide by Toxic's wishes.

Hello... and thank you! We did have the attorney who created our documents list both a secondary and tertiary individual, just in case. I wonder if this counts, or if medical surrogacy paperwork is something additional? Thanks again for the help!

[wolfbittenpoet]

My suggestion is google medical surrogacy for your state. It will tell you or your attourney should know. I always ere on the edge of caution and have both a medical surrogate and medical poa. But I live in a place where wishes aren't always upheld so I'm a bit paranoid.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by lyric

Hello... and thank you! We did have the attorney who created our documents list both a secondary and tertiary individual, just in case. I wonder if this counts, or if medical surrogacy paperwork is something additional? Thanks again for the help!

Lyric, I am so sorry to hear this news.
The attorney I work for does HCPOA and POA work.
A previous employer did them for the LGBT community.

While I know the answers to some of your questions, I am not a licensed attorney
and by law cannot give you any legal advice beyond saying
you need to speak with an attorney ASAP.

If you are not comfortable with the attorney who prepared your original documents
then by all means consult with another.

Lambda Legal maintains a list of attorneys who are sensitive to LGBT issues.

I wish you both well.

[suebee]

Hi Lyric. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such terrible circumstances.

I was going to say that one of the easiest ways to ensure that things go smoothly is to get the family on board. But it doesn't look like you're going to have that option - unless they've had a change of heart that you don't yet know about.

I had major surgery a couple of years ago for a tumour, and although I wasn't with a partner at the time, one thing I made sure of was that all the appropriate paperwork, ESPECIALLY the medical power of attorney was in the right hands. That meant that the two designated people each had a copy, the hospital had a copy for my file and the ICU had a copy right in the unit. You CANNOT over do it in regards to being absolutely sure that the right people have the documentation. You don't want any fussing over the paper work if you need to use your medical POA.

And don't hesitate to change neurologists or neuro surgeons if you're not comfortable with who you're sent to!

I wish you and Toxic the very best in dealing with all this. My heart goes out to both of you.

Sue

[lyric]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Lyric, I am so sorry to hear this news.
The attorney I work for does HCPOA and POA work.
A previous employer did them for the LGBT community.

While I know the answers to some of your questions, I am not a licensed attorney
and by law cannot give you any legal advice beyond saying
you need to speak with an attorney ASAP.

If you are not comfortable with the attorney who prepared your original documents
then by all means consult with another.

Lambda Legal maintains a list of attorneys who are sensitive to LGBT issues.

I wish you both well.

The attorney who prepared our paperwork was great, but she lives out of state. We probably do need to consult with someone in-person, here in Virginia. Thank you for the words of wisdom!

[lyric]

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

My suggestion is google medical surrogacy for your state. It will tell you or your attourney should know. I always ere on the edge of caution and have both a medical surrogate and medical poa. But I live in a place where wishes aren't always upheld so I'm a bit paranoid.

Great thinking... I'm on it! Thanks, wolfbittenpoet! xo

[lyric]

Originally Posted by suebee

Hi Lyric. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such terrible circumstances.

I was going to say that one of the easiest ways to ensure that things go smoothly is to get the family on board. But it doesn't look like you're going to have that option - unless they've had a change of heart that you don't yet know about.

I had major surgery a couple of years ago for a tumour, and although I wasn't with a partner at the time, one thing I made sure of was that all the appropriate paperwork, ESPECIALLY the medical power of attorney was in the right hands. That meant that the two designated people each had a copy, the hospital had a copy for my file and the ICU had a copy right in the unit. You CANNOT over do it in regards to being absolutely sure that the right people have the documentation. You don't want any fussing over the paper work if you need to use your medical POA.

And don't hesitate to change neurologists or neuro surgeons if you're not comfortable with who you're sent to!

I wish you and Toxic the very best in dealing with all this. My heart goes out to both of you.

Sue

Thanks so much, Sue. I actually despise her neurologist, but I think Toxic is a bit more resigned because she is just overwhelmed and tired of it all. I have been actively (ok... rabidly) campaigning for a switch (we have an HMO style insurance plan), and I'm slowly getting there... we actually have a consult with someone new on Thursday and I hope this one is more proactive and less medication-happy. One thing we have been told is that this is not cancer. However, it would be nice for her to live a normal life with her vision in tact, no crazy wild seizures, and with an absence of pain. I just want someone who is committed to being part of a team with us achieve that... and I want to be armed with as much legal protection and knowledge as possible, just in case.

We did make several copies, had them all notarized, and in addition to holding onto several copies, ourselves, we mailed copies to the primary care physician as well as my sister and an aunt (the other individuals listed in our documentation).

Thanks again!!

[Strappie]

I have to say it's so sad that it has to come to this in some peoples lives. I understand it needs to be done.

It truly saddens me that families will not listen to a child or a siblings wants and needs in times of sickness.

I feel for all that has to go through something like this.

[julieisafemme]

Lyric I am so sorry about your partner's illness. It is awful that you are worrying about her health and this stuff at the same time.

I just wanted to point out that these issues are difficult for heterosexual couples too. Parents and spouses are often at odds as to how care for someone.

June made a great point about how scary things can get where there is money involved. I work in financial services and I cannot tell you how horrible people can be to one another where there is money involved.

I suggest that any couple or single queer person make sure that they have all their financial planning, estate planning, medical powers and funeral arrangements made in advance. It is the most loving and caring thing you can do for your partner, children and family. When someone passes away without all of this in place it can be so hard for those left behind. That on top of the grief is so difficult.

I hate to talk about unpleasant subjects but I have seen too many times how hard it is when people don't deal with this stuff before a death or illness.

Much peace, healing and blessings to you lyric.

[DomnNC]

Hi Lyric,

Sorry to hear about your partner. You've already been given wonderful advice concerning medical power of attorney and power of attorney. Toxic also needs to fill out a living will as well and have it notorized.

One other thing that will save yer rear end financially, if you have a joint checking or savings account then you need to go to the bank and fill out (crap, can't remember the legal term for it) a paper that stipulates that in the event of death of either of you then the remaining partner is entitled to all funds in said accounts and if something does happen (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone) then you need to get your lil rear end to the bank asap and switch all the accounts over to your name only. If you don't have ALL that done when the bank finds out one is deceased they freeze your account until the estate is settled. It basically states all funds accumulated by the two of you in that joint account becomes yours.

When my wife passed away I went down to the bank within the week and had her name taken off everything and put in just mine so her relatives or some off the wall person claiming she owed them something couldn't come knocking wanting a hand out.

[DomnNC]

Socialjustice just told me the document was called a Benefit on Death, I think that's it!

Also, if you have any autos that are co-owned or is just in Toxic's name and he wants you to have it, you might want to consider switching the title and tags to your name. You can always name Toxic as the primary driver but that's up to ya'll.
When my wife passed away we had 9 payments left on her car. I had to pay it off, get the title, go to estate court and place a lien on the vehicle so I was the highest creditor she had so the car went to me when the estate was settled.

Again, I hope nothing like that happens to Toxic, I hope you find a neurologist that will work with you! Good luck to you both!

[socialjustice_fsu]

So sorry to hear what your partner and you have been through. Godspeed.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I work for a large hospice as a specialist in end-of life conflict resolution...meaning I work with the pt., family, friends, significant others to come to some sort of problem solving in the event there is some unresolved issue (s) going on prior to the pt.'s death. I could tell you some deathbed confessions that would stop you in your tracks.

However, I urge you to look into The Five Wishes. It is a document that covers a multitude of things that many of us would never, ever think about when coping with serious diseases. IT STANDS UP IN COURT. This document was developed by the Robert Johnson Foundation and is one of the most comprehensive legal documents I have come across. Here are the 5 Wishes:

The person I want to make care decisions for me when I can't

The kind of medical treatment I want or don't want

How comfortable I want to be

How I want people to treat me

What I want my loved ones to know.

It must be notarized to be valid. This can also be 'recorded' at the local courthouse in the event you have people that may want to come out of the darkness to make your life hell.

For Everyone:

I cannot encourage everyone ENOUGH to get this kind of thing done. Have the talk. AND, don't let it 'slide' in the event you and your partner split. Do you really want to have an 'ex' making medical decisions for you when you can't?

I have many copies of this document. It must be an ORIGINAL form - meaning no copies made for someone else to fill in. It is easy. But, it makes you think, too.
If you are interested in wanting this please PM me and my hospice will cover the cost to get it to you but it will come from my home address to protect you.

Now, more than ever, time is of the essence. For all of us.