Outing our children...

[MsTinkerbelly]

School on defensive after telling parents their son is gayBy Sylvia Wood, msnbc.com

A school district in Utah is defending its decision to “out” a middle-school student as gay to his parents in light of safety and bullying concerns.

“The administrator did exactly the right thing,” said Rhonda Bromley, a spokeswoman for the Alpine School District in Lehi, Utah. “We are not going to back down. We take bullying very, very seriously.”

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network urged caution in these situations.

“Schools should not out LGBT students without their consent,” said GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard. “Outing a student not only violates their right to privacy, but also could compromise their safety. Parents can be notified of their child being bullied at school, but without disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity.”

The situation started last week when the 14-year-old’s class at Willowcreek Middle School was assigned to create an advertisement about themselves to hang on the classroom wall. The boy wrote about being gay, Bromley said.

When the teacher approached him about whether he wanted to share that information publicly, the boy said he did. The teacher decided to involve the assistant school principal, who spoke with the boy and counseled him on talking with his parents.

The student was hesitant to approach his parents, but agreed “reluctantly” to let the administrator to speak with them, Bromley said. At the boy’s request, he was not present when his parents were told.

“The student chose himself to make his sexuality known in a variety of ways,” Bromley said. “And there had already started to be some negative feedback.”

“If there is the potential for a bullying or a harassment situation, it’s the responsibility of the school to step in and to make sure the student is safe,” she said.

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School districts across the country are struggling with anti-gay bullying in light of highly publicized cases involving teen suicides. In October 2010, the suicide death of two teen boys prompted U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to issue a call for action.

Their deaths followed at least three other suicides that year linked to “the trauma of being bullied and harassed for their actual or perceived sexual orientation was too much to bear,” Duncan said at the time.

“This is a moment where every one of us -- parents, teachers, students, elected officials, and all people of conscience -- needs to stand up and speak out against intolerance in all its forms,” he said.

Byard said it’s important for schools to deal with bullying and notify parents of any instances, without disclosing a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

"Taking away the choice for a LGBT student to come out on their own terms opens the door to significant risks, including harassment at school and family rejection," she said.

Andy Thayer, co-founder of the Gay Liberation Network, said family rejection is a real risk, and some young gay teens have found themselves homeless as a result.

The school "could very well have worsened that situation considerably," he said.

Bromley said the case at Alpine School District has drawn national attention, in part, because the student’s friends created a Facebook page, which has since turned into a an invitation-only group. The original page, which received more than 400 “likes,” asked students and supporters to write the assistant principal in defense of the student.

Bromley said some of the information on the original page was inaccurate, including the claim that the district suspended the boy. She said his parents chose to keep him home this week.

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“We’ve received many phone calls and emails from many people based on inaccurate information,” she said. She said the boy was never in trouble and the goal of the district was to keep him safe.

“The last thing we want is for students to think there would be some sort of consequence for this,” she said.

[MsTinkerbelly]

So, what do you think about the article? Do you think the School District did the right thing?

[MsTinkerbelly]

I have to get to work, but I'll be back later.

My gut reaction was "OMG, are they going to feed and house that child if his parents throw him out?"

[betenoire]

That was some serious overstepping on the school's part. Uncool.

I would have been angry had it been me OR my kid.

(And plus, it almost feels like "tattling".)

[Greyson]

I believe the school district's intention was the child's safety. IMO, part of the problem with many of our social ills is that "parents" do not take a committed and active part in the parenting, raising of their child. The system alone cannot give the young ones love, support, guidance, safety.

Adults were telling my mother I was gay when I was about 11 or 12 years old. I said nothing. I was just being a typical tween filled with angst. Again at the age of 18 I was outed but this time, I did step up to the plate and told my mom the truth, Yes I am gay. I like girls.

I suspect the school district is in a position of "Damned if you do; Damned if you don't." The young person's safety is the priority. How can one stay silent about the very reason the child is being bullied? The parents could spend years trying to provide safety for their gay son while believing the bullying is promted by something completely unrelated.

[always2late]

One question...did the school also notify the parents' of the bullies to tell them that their children are hateful and ignorant? Did they speak to those parents about what they can do to make their children better human beings? It would seem to me that if you want to prevent harassment, you should go to the source not the victim.

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

So, what do you think about the article? Do you think the School District did the right thing?

I keep reading the story over and over. It sounds to me like the young man outed himself in a number of ways within the school environment and was experiencing some negative repercussions as a result.

Having done so, he put the school in an unenviable position of being between a rock and a hard place.

Schools are expected to deal with bullying behavior and protect the safety and wellbeing of the student. The school did discuss this with the boy and I presume they explored the reasons for his reluctance to come out to his parents himself. The child did give permission even if it was reluctantly. The child is still a child, a minor.

I played this out in my head a bit.

Suppose the school just told the parents the child was being subjected to harrassment type behavior. My reaction as a parent would be to ask why. Why is my child being subjected to this? What is going on that my child has to deal with this negative behavior. The school is again caught between a rock and a hardplace. They have to continue to sidestep the elephant in the room thereby creating more drama and diversion and confusion. Hard to maintain this and does little to help anyone.

Suppose the school did nothing and this child was so harrassed that he harmed himself. Then I can see the parents and a general outrage that the parents had a right to know the truth so they could take steps to protect their child.

Plus, I dont believe it is fair to automatically presume the parents will throw the kid on the street or have any negative reaction. That is one many possibilities. It is also possible the parents knew their kid was gay but were waiting for him to bring it up. It is possible getting this out in the open is a good thing rather than a bad thing.

As a parent, in a perfect world, I would love my child to have the freedom to come to me when he felt safe to do so. If he was unable to do it directly, I would prefer learning about it in a way other than rumor, innuendo, facebook, and the other hideous ways people try to hurt one another.

I dont know what the best course of action would have been. But I do know there are consequences to the decisions we make. If you are a minor who outed yourself at school and are experiencing problems as a result, the school is put in a position of having to respond in some way.

Plus, once you out yourself in a very public way, how is the school supposed to protect your privacy?

[The_Lady_Snow]

As a parent if any of my kids outed themselves at school before they had to me I would hope the school would make me aware of it so I know what to do for them. Same thing with anything that my child is doing at school that I SHOULD and DO have the right to know. I'm one of those pesty, nosy, up in your business kinda parents, I like to have open communication at all times via me, kid and school.

Then again I am also one of those parents who isn't gonna kick their kid out for hearing news of their kids sexual activities. I'm unsure on how one expects a school to handle something like this, if parents are unaware of the goings on of their children, and the Institution you are trusting each day as your kid enters its doors knows of something that could cause one's child harm I feel as the parent, provider, etc etc I do have the RIGHT to know. I get not all kids parents are like this and some may over react if that is the case then we are talking about a whole other subject on how CPS does not do enough in some cases (not all) when it comes down to how our children are treated, abused, and neglected in this country..

I don't feel the school did it out of any other intent than giving the parents the heads up on what may, has, can, will, could, happen considering how many kids are being harassed for being queer, gay, lesbian, transgender.

[dark_crystal]

i think if the child was comfortable enough at school(!) to put a sign on the classroom wall saying he was gay, but had not told his parents, that is a really good clue that the parents might not take it very well.

(although i personally would have loved it if anyone else in the world could have told my parents besides me. that was an ugly scene.)

Possibly the smarter thing would have been to bring the parents in and provide a safe space, with counselor present, in which the child could tell them himself

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

School on defensive after telling parents their son is gayBy Sylvia Wood, msnbc.com

A school district in Utah is defending its decision to “out” a middle-school student as gay to his parents in light of safety and bullying concerns.

“The administrator did exactly the right thing,” said Rhonda Bromley, a spokeswoman for the Alpine School District in Lehi, Utah. “We are not going to back down. We take bullying very, very seriously.”

The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network urged caution in these situations.

“Schools should not out LGBT students without their consent,” said GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard. “Outing a student not only violates their right to privacy, but also could compromise their safety. Parents can be notified of their child being bullied at school, but without disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity.”

The situation started last week when the 14-year-old’s class at Willowcreek Middle School was assigned to create an advertisement about themselves to hang on the classroom wall. The boy wrote about being gay, Bromley said.

When the teacher approached him about whether he wanted to share that information publicly, the boy said he did. The teacher decided to involve the assistant school principal, who spoke with the boy and counseled him on talking with his parents.

The student was hesitant to approach his parents, but agreed “reluctantly” to let the administrator to speak with them, Bromley said. At the boy’s request, he was not present when his parents were told.

“The student chose himself to make his sexuality known in a variety of ways,” Bromley said. “And there had already started to be some negative feedback.”


“If there is the potential for a bullying or a harassment situation, it’s the responsibility of the school to step in and to make sure the student is safe,” she said.

advertisementadvertisement
School districts across the country are struggling with anti-gay bullying in light of highly publicized cases involving teen suicides. In October 2010, the suicide death of two teen boys prompted U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan to issue a call for action.

Their deaths followed at least three other suicides that year linked to “the trauma of being bullied and harassed for their actual or perceived sexual orientation was too much to bear,” Duncan said at the time.

“This is a moment where every one of us -- parents, teachers, students, elected officials, and all people of conscience -- needs to stand up and speak out against intolerance in all its forms,” he said.

Byard said it’s important for schools to deal with bullying and notify parents of any instances, without disclosing a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity.

"Taking away the choice for a LGBT student to come out on their own terms opens the door to significant risks, including harassment at school and family rejection," she said.

Andy Thayer, co-founder of the Gay Liberation Network, said family rejection is a real risk, and some young gay teens have found themselves homeless as a result.

The school "could very well have worsened that situation considerably," he said.

Bromley said the case at Alpine School District has drawn national attention, in part, because the student’s friends created a Facebook page, which has since turned into a an invitation-only group. The original page, which received more than 400 “likes,” asked students and supporters to write the assistant principal in defense of the student.

Bromley said some of the information on the original page was inaccurate, including the claim that the district suspended the boy. She said his parents chose to keep him home this week.

advertisementadvertisement
“We’ve received many phone calls and emails from many people based on inaccurate information,” she said. She said the boy was never in trouble and the goal of the district was to keep him safe.

“The last thing we want is for students to think there would be some sort of consequence for this,” she said.

From the above I am guessing that one or two negative comments from students were made and the school is worried that bullying WILL occur. If you notice no where does the article say that the child has been bullied.

Unless someone was going to call the parents of every child who gets "negative feedback" and who they assume will continue to get negative feedback, then no, I don't think this child's parents should have been contacted. The boy's thoughts and feelings are his own to share with who he wants, when he wants (including who he sexually desires). It was not the school's information to share.

I think it was the school's anxiety that this kid would end up being bullied/hurt and that the parents would be angry with the school for "letting this happen". I think they pulled the trigger early so the parents wouldn't hold them accountable. The problem is that taking this easy way out means that they took away a child's CHOICE to not share something with his parents until he was ready.

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

From the above I am guessing that one or two negative comments from students were made and the school is worried that bullying WILL occur. If you notice no where does the article say that the child has been bullied.

Unless someone was going to call the parents of every child who gets "negative feedback" and who they assume will continue to get negative feedback, then no, I don't think this child's parents should have been contacted. The boy's thoughts and feelings are his own to share with who he wants, when he wants (including who he sexually desires). It was not the school's information to share.

I think it was the school's anxiety that this kid would end up being bullied/hurt and that the parents would be angry with the school for "letting this happen". I think they pulled the trigger early so the parents wouldn't hold them accountable. The problem is that taking this easy way out means that they took away a child's CHOICE to not share something with his parents until he was ready.

^^what hy said. i agree... and i want to reiterate that even if there was bullying based on his orientation, it could've been done without outing him. the focus should stay on the unacceptable (bullying) behavior, not on the orientation/whatever of the target.

[DapperButch]

Kid wasn't even bullied yet. Maybe the teachers should have a little more trust in their students. The kid may not have even been bullied!


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/1...6pLid%3D120447

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Kid wasn't even bullied yet. Maybe the teachers should have a little more trust in their students. The kid may not have even been bullied!

ugh.... it sounds like if this was preemptive and (really even if it wasn't) anti-bias education would have been a much better solution. my preschool kids kids are capable of understanding it... i think middle schoolers can too (thought it may take more repetition with them because they've had a longer time to solidify biases).

the idea is to challenge forming or formed biases with examples that show another way of thinking about it. in effect it's teaching critical thinking. i think that it's more time consuming and takes more work, (not much as it is interwoven into teaching/teaching style) but the pay off (children and citizens who accept others differences and can see commonalities) is well worth it.

i had to really fight for this at my daughter's school. even with free training... it just makes so much more sense than to me than zero tolerance where there are punishments and consequences but no real teaching and therefore no real change.

[blush]

First we're mad because schools do nothing, then we're mad when schools do too much.

I agree children should make the decision on their own to whom they come out to, but schools have an obligation to keep students safe. Not saying anything to a parent because of the volitale nature of coming out continues to make it seem there is something to be ashamed of. Helping a student tell his parents and giving support to the whole family might lessen the stigma attached to coming out.

My gut reaction to the schools response is that their hearts were in the right place. The environment for LGBT children is changing very quickly. It is unchartered territory for schools.

[persiphone]

as a parent, i would want to know. bottom line. and if the kid outed himself, then it's not really much of a secret. also, it's not like this was a kid that was pregnant. being gay doesn't require any action taking decision making that could affect that person's entire rest of their lives. i really doubt that a 14 year old is going to out himself if there was a fear of being thrown out of his house, let alone make posters about it as school projects.

also as a parent, any school my son attends gets a forewarning from me that should my son get hit, not only will he not get into trouble at home for hitting back, but i will also be filing assault charges. i don't tolerate bullying even on the minor levels. for me, as a single parent, bullying is one of those traps that could get my son killed so it's not negotiable for me. and should a problem arise, i'm down at that school raising holy hell. if my son is being bullied i force the school to document every incident and every time i have to go down there raising above mentioned holy hell.

lastly, we have straight chicks in junior high giving blowjobs to the football team. 'gay' should not really be a shocker at school in light of the often absurd sexual experiences our kids are exposed to there. i've made it my mission to enlighten my son on levels of sex that might make some adults blush. he may be the only male in the entire building that knows what a clitoris is and what it does. if you take the veils away there will be no surprises. i'm of the school of thought that thinks....who cares what your orientation is? who cares if you know what a condom is? why are these still being discussed under the guise of morality? who gives a shit. pisses me off. but, *sigh*, i know this is just in my bubble and that the rest of the world still wants to debate over the morality of sexual bits and all that that entails.

still. as a parent....i'd want to know. (as if i wouldn't already know. meh)

[GretaGable]

As part of a high school English class I wrote a semi-romantic poem about a female movie star; without my knowledge or consent my teacher called my mom. Mom wasn't angry but was more worried, devastated and upset than I'd ever seen her; I denied everything, went to my room and pondered what would be the least painful way to kill myself. Thankfully little Greta was too chicken to try anything, which is why grown Greta is here, writing this post.

If those educators were concerned about bullying they should have been monitoring the way that other students treated the kid and intervening when needed. Contacting the parent was not needed.