Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[*Anya*]

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Rockin' I am so glad that neither you or your mom were seriously hurt, or with permanent physical injuries. I can't imagine the emotional cost of the experience for either of you.

There is the peculiar phenomenon of some parents/family not believing the abused woman, or even worse, continuing to have a relationship with the abuser; after we, the abused, finally get out from the physical, verbal or emotional abuse.

My parents just refused to believe that the polite, handsome young man who was my husband, would ever hit me. On one hand, there was the refusal to support me emotionally, in any way and on the other, they would even invite him over for dinner or parties but not me.

That was one of the hardest things to take.

My father would say to me: "You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

The final, painful, but very clear message message was:

He didn't think my ex was an abuser but... if he did: I probably deserved it.

What surprises me is that mom just wouldn't press charges at first,she had always been one of the most possitive women I knew,for he to just say "let it be" was so off the wall I was taken by surprise.One of my aunts said in it was common for men to rule over women in her generation that it was a common for this to happen in families for this to happen,I never could understand it.
My X should have known better to have started on me with his crap knowing I would not just take it then walk away,come to find out his father did the same thing to his wife and kids.What I just don't get was they thought the guy hung the moon no matter what he did.I told my X very early on if he ever laid a hand on me in anger he was a dead man cause I would fight him till my last breath,I don't start fights but if people insist in this I sure will finish it defending myself.Another thing I know is it has only been somewhat recent that a woman could defend her self against abuse or end up killing someone in self defence with out ending up in jail,i'm glad things are difrent now.

[Soft*Silver]

boy, did I feel a gut reaction reading Anya's father's words..."You are pretty mouthy and probably talked back to him, we had the same problem with you".

I cant tell you how many times I have heard those words. Yes, I am a fiesty wild mouth bitch if you get my dander up...but nothing deserves a slap in the face, a shove, a fist, a hair pulling, a pummeling. You dont like what I say? FUCKING WALK AWAY OR LEAVE.

Saying it, is far more easier than doing it. The relationship is based on dysfunction so doing something smart or self preserving, well, probably wont happen alot..not until you really do walk away.

[Soft*Silver]

you asked for signs...

a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here.

There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.*

In simple-ese?
... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others....


(*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72)

[Words]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well),

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

[The_Lady_Snow]

AABL: Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians: An excellent resource for battered lesbians.


Equality Colorado: Advocacy services available 24 hours a day for GLBT victims of crime: hate
crimes, domestic violence, sexual assault,and random violence


Rainbow Coalition Against DomesticViolence: Describes the dynamics of domestic violence, and includes the power and control wheel for same-sex couples.


Community United Against Violence Same Sex DV Bibliography: A list of recommended reading regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Annual Report on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Domestic Violence: A report from the Department of Justice regarding same-sex domestic violence.


Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships: A page devoted to lesbian victims of domestic violence.


Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: Providing community education and direct services to gay,
bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence.


LAMBDA Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project: : Lambda's pages about same-sex domestic violence.


What Recovering Batterers Want You To Know About Abuse and Violence: Good information about their behavior from recovering batterers.


Wolf-Island: A Magical and Protected Place: Support for gay male victims of domestic violence. Includes poetry, music, bibliography, personal stories and links.


DOVES: Gay and Lesbian Battering: Services for same sex victims of domestic violence. Shelter, counseling, support and legal assistance. Spanish speaking staff available.

[girl_dee]

Warning signs, Red flags etc....

Take note on how the person has behaved with past relationships. Even more, watch how they handled the break up.

Abuse can happen even after the break up. Don't think for a second that they won't do the same to you.

[Ginger]

I was in a big hurry to leave my parents' house and married as a teenager to a young man with a huge collection of exotic reptiles, including venomous snakes. He put a cobra on the couch next to me once, and it reared up while I sat absolutely still, and then he free-handed it and put it back in its cage, to give one example. I left suddenly and with only the clothes on my back and made my way, having done well in school no matter what was going on or how many minimum wage jobs I was holding down. I was having my period when I left, and he wouldn't let me take my purse or any pads, and I walked down the highway bleeding through my pants, and felt totally energized and unafraid. He also hit me a lot, but I always fought back. I do that, fight back, until I suddenly leave and don't look back.

I've had some very kind, very generous and good-hearted partners since then, but I've also had a couple bad eggs in the bunch, like everyone else. My downfall is that I wait too long to leave a bad relationship. I don't stay in a bad relationship and let the person grind me down; I stay in the bad relationship and try to use my unrelenting logic and reason to fix us, and then I suddenly leave, having sustained and caused more damage than was necessary. It's such a relief to be alone now.

[Katniss]

I've been fortunate to have never been involved in an abusive or violent relationship (manipulative/mean/batsh*tcrazy mothers are a different matter.) I did volunteer for many years at an emergency shelter for battered women and children and much of the advice above is spot on. Two things I do want to stress;

1. If you are coming to harm in any way reach out to someone. Many towns have shelters that are not advertised and you would never know they existed. A phone call to a hot line and they can arrange a safe place for you and any minor children. I can't speak for all shelters but many may also have resources you are unaware of including being able to fill prescription drugs. Some abusers hold on to the victim's medication/inhaler/insulin as a form of control. No one is there to judge and help is available but you have to make that call. Which brings me to...

2. The most powerful weapon you can give your abuser is silence. They are banking on your fear/shame/guilt/whatever to keep you quiet. Don't give them that weapon. There was one client I remember who had a warrant out for her arrest, something small and I think it was "theft by taking." She was so afraid of being turned in that she stayed with an extremely abusive partner for three years. She finally showed up at the shelter and explained after a particularly bad scenario she confided to a friend who told her "I had rather go to trial with a fair judge, do my time and have a release date than serve a life sentence with an abuser." If people don't know, they can't help you, so use your voice.


I realize the OP wanted warning signs so I will re-iterate the litmus test for me....when someone swoops in and wants to "rescue" you...from poverty/a previous bad relationship/ill health/depression/etc. and they are almost more invested in the trials of your life than you are and they take charge of your finances/healthcare/therapy/whatever, and they push you to commit to them sooner than you want...they will indeed rescue you, from everyone but themselves.

Katniss~~

[Bard]

when I was young and in my fist lesbian relationship it was abusive not at first but when she drank well it got bad started when she thought I was cheating on her she punched me in the nose breaking it then slammed me on the ground stomping on my hand saying she would be sure I never touched another woman. eventually I caught her her cheating and a fight ensued with me and the other girl to separate us Trish kicked me in the temple as we wrestled on the ground I have been told my eyes rolled back in my head. but we got back together a few months later we were back together for 2 weeks when she came to pick me up after work and she had been drinking I tried to take the keys but all the while I was thinking she is going to brake my nose again long story short I did not get in the car with her that night and she ended up getting into a accident and dieing I swore no one would ever hit me again I had enough of that as a child it took me a long time to not feel guilty that perhaps I caused her anger I had to see that I was worth being loved for me and that not everyone was going to leave me when I made ME whole I found my love and was able to say .. it was NOT my fault .. yes I have a temper yes I am a mouthy ass but I deserve to be treated well and to be loved loved like I am with desd