Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

[Linus]

It's hard in this world to transition but can be even harder when you're not allowed to or choose not to transition. And want to be seen as the gender you truly are and heard as such. Since I know a few FTMs who have been stopped from medically transitioning (and one that has chosen not to medically transition), a support thread for those here on the BFP would be a good thing.

And I called it Bravehearts. I'm not a huge fan of Mel Gibson but to me, it takes a lot of heart and bravery to continue to move forward to present as male when the world has a narrow definition of gender.

[weatherboi]

Here, here!! Cheers to the brave and big hearted!!

[Bit]

I think this is a wonderful thread! So glad you started it!

There are so many ramifications for not medically transitioning. It might be less complicated legally--not having to change paperwork, etc--but oh my, it seems to be so hard on guys who present male and have female ID!! I've known a couple who had a hell of a time with things like medical care and job interviews. Less complicated doesn't mean easy, at all.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thanks for the thread Linus. I am a guy who has done everything possible, but go on T. I can't because of neurological health problems I have. No doctor will ever give me that rx. The biggest fear they have is that it will raise my bp and cause more problems for me. Those who have met me know I am slow. And writing I am slow you think one thing, but when you meet me, you finally realize what it really truely means. My reality is very different than most.

It brings tears to my eyes knowing that my life will never be complete. Never. To have the mind, body, soul connection is truely a blessing.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Words]

One of the reasons why Blue is my hero is that Hy has chosen to not transition in spite of the obvious advantages of doing so. Yes, Hy is on T, yes, Hy hopes to eventually have top surgery, in both cases, because Hy wants to 'masculinize'. BUT, Hy has no intention of ever IDing as male because Hy isn't male and is happy to live forever in TG (third gendered) land, even if doing that means constantly having to 'explain' Hymself.

That, to me, takes a lot of courage and I am extremely proud of Hym.

Words

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Linus

It's hard in this world to transition but can be even harder when you're not allowed to or choose not to transition. And want to be seen as the gender you truly are and heard as such. Since I know a few FTMs who have been stopped from medically transitioning (and one that has chosen not to medically transition), a support thread for those here on the BFP would be a good thing.

And I called it Bravehearts. I'm not a huge fan of Mel Gibson but to me, it takes a lot of heart and bravery to continue to move forward to present as male when the world has a narrow definition of gender.

Linus, I doubt you initiated this thread to suggest that non-medically transitioned FTMs have a harder road than any other marginalized group. I'm simply responding with the thoughts that popped into my head as a result of your post, hope you don't mind.

It takes a lot of heart and bravery to do/be many things, including, but not exclusively, "to move forward to present as male."

It takes a lot of fortitude to simply be an out homosexual/queer of any stripe.

It takes a lot of spine to be a masculine presenting female - butch - in a world with narrowly defined parameters of what it means to be female.

It takes a lot of energy to be a male identified butch, or non-medically transitioned FTM and have to endure the tossing under the bus (of male privilege) by other butches.

It takes a lot of strength to be femme in a community that is constantly talking about butch, FTM and other masculine identities, which repeatedly places femme in merely a supporting role, and which questions their inclusion in this community when they choose male id'ed or FTM as partners.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Words

One of the reasons why Blue is my hero is that Hy has chosen to not transition in spite of the obvious advantages of doing so. Yes, Hy is on T, yes, Hy hopes to eventually have top surgery, in both cases, because Hy wants to 'masculinize'. BUT, Hy has no intention of ever IDing as male because Hy isn't male and is happy to live forever in TG (third gendered) land, even if doing that means constantly having to 'explain' Hymself.

That, to me, takes a lot of courage and I am extremely proud of Hym.

Words

I appreciate this post as it gets to areas that I feel just get side-lined in terms of female masculinity. I also feel that the 3rd Gendered get lumped into transgendered identities. Third-genered individuals are not transgendered and going to transition out of a specific gender composite that is just fine as it is and not on (or desiring to be) on T, not interested in any gendered surgical procedures (although, as Words points out, many desire top surgery). Third- gendered people embrace the female gender identification (may or may not use hy, hym, etc. and are comfortable with themselves as is). Their sexuality may be or not be lesbian. And they are not inter-gendered.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that transgendered theory and studies have advanced acceptance of the full spectrum of gender identities. However, the 3rd-gendered really don't belong within the classification of transgendered and remain proudly female. Yet, are constantly shoved into trans status.

Diversity within diversity can be a lonely and misunderstood place to be.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by Linus

It's hard in this world to transition but can be even harder when you're not allowed to or choose not to transition. And want to be seen as the gender you truly are and heard as such. Since I know a few FTMs who have been stopped from medically transitioning (and one that has chosen not to medically transition), a support thread for those here on the BFP would be a good thing.

And I called it Bravehearts. I'm not a huge fan of Mel Gibson but to me, it takes a lot of heart and bravery to continue to move forward to present as male when the world has a narrow definition of gender.

isn't that the truth

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thanks for the admiration. However, it is still heartbreaking to me. I don't have that mind, body, soul connection. And to be denied the gender change is stupid imho. Name changes are a breeze. But the gender change. I just hate the anti-glbt laws.

[Logicaly]

Thank you for starting this thread. I am one of those who at this time is some where in the middle. While I see myself as a man, and live as a man, I have not started hormones, or had any surgeries. At some point I would like to have top surgery, but hormones for me is still up in the air, and I never intend to have bottom surgery.

Anyways, having this thread here helps people like me, and anyone else, feel not so alone, thank you.

[chai~]

*bookmarking to read more thoroughly later*

[Maverick]

This is my first post here. Been reading all of your insights into the intricacies of being transgendered as well as butch, femme and every combination thereof. This thread speaks to me as I am in the process of deciding whether to transition or not. I've been in a lesbian relationship for the past 15 years and my partner is not at all happy with the idea of me transitioning and, while she says she is supportive of me being tg, she has also made it clear that she is not willing to stay with me if I decide to transition. I just turned 50, we have a beautiful life together and I have much to lose if I transition. I struggle every day with what to do. I did go on a low dose of androgel about 6 months ago to see if I felt any better..since I'm menopausal and it actually does help with energy and muscle retension among other things in menopausal women. So far, I think the benefits of taking the T have been helpful. I've lived in this skin for 50 years and, while I would really like to make changes to my body to align it more with who I feel I am inside, I just don't know if I really want to go about redefining who I am at this point and potentially lose a lot of what I've worked for most of my life. I'd appreciate hearing other people's stories on how they came to the decision to transition or not to transition.

[Corkey]

Hey Maverick, welcome to the site. Transition, or not is a question only you can answer. You and your S/O need to talk. If she cannot stay with you as you transition, then you have to decide if you can live as you are, or if you must transition. Perhaps if you both go to therapy you can work through your issues. None of us can tell you what the answer is, we can only support your decisions, what ever they are.
Good luck.

[Nadeest]

Maverick, I do understand, at least a bit, the struggle that you are going thru. I chose to transition, but I also have friends that chose not to transition for reasons similar to yours. Maybe part of the reason that I chose to transition is that I had little left, in my life, to hold me into living in the male role, I don't know for sure.
We each have to find the balance of what works for us, and sometimes, the balance changes later on down the road. Nor is there anything wrong with that.
For me, things came to the point where it was either transition or cease living. I couldn't deal with things any longer, it seemed like. Since I started transition, I'm a lot happier overall, but it doesn't always work out that way. I've been lucky, in a lot of ways.
One thing that might help you sort things out is to talk to a therapist that is experienced in dealing with transgendered people and transitioning. They can help you find the insights that you need to be able to make decisions that are right for you.
There are no absolutely right or wrong answers in this, only the answer that works for you. Sometime those answers change, over time.

[Maverick]

Thanks Nadeest and Corkey for you insights. I agree with both of you about counseling. I was seeing a gender therapist for a while on my own but it wasn't a good fit for me so I will be finding a new one soon. I think my partner would benefit from visiting with them also, though she is extremely reluctant to even talk about the subject with me let alone a stranger. There's a lot of anger there for her. I won't bore you with the details of all that. Let's just say that 15 years creates a lot of water under the bridge. Anyway, I'm in the process of trying to figure out what partial transition would look like for me. I feel predominantly male inside yet I don't feel like either a "man" or a "woman" and can't really see myself transitioning to the point of living as a man. This could all change at some point but that's where I am sitting right now. I'm intrigued by butch/femme relationships as my partner and I somewhat have that now, though it's unspoken and unplanned...meaning, I'm not sure either of us have thought a great deal about how we would categorize ourselves or our relationship. As I've gotten older and care less about societal pressures to conform I have evolved into more of a butch person. At this point I really want to change my first name to a gender neutral first and middle name that I can live with and I'm contemplating some form of chest surgery. These two changes would definitely put me more into a gender neutral place (i.e. confusing to other people lol) in the world and it will be interesting to see how that will feel to me.

[Nadeest]

Honestly, Maverick, I can see where your partner might have a great deal of anger about this matter. She chose to be with you, perceiving you to be one person, and now, you are showing her another part of yourself that she, and possibly even you, may not have been aware of, until now.
Often, in our transition, and enjoying our newfound freedom to express ourselves more fully and honestly, then we have before, we forget about the other people in our lives, and how this affects them. They often have had certain expectations of us, that are now completely destroyed. They may not have been aware of this part of ourselves, as well.
Feelings of betrayal can come into play, as well. 'How dare we have concealed this part of ourselves from them?' That can come into play, whether or not we have known of this part of ourselves consciously, or had concealed it deep within ourself, to the point where we didn't consciously know about it.
Do remember too, that she has a right to process this information at her own pace, and decide how to handle it. We get to do that, why shouldn't the other people in our lives?

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Originally Posted by Linus

It's hard in this world to transition but can be even harder when you're not allowed to or choose not to transition. And want to be seen as the gender you truly are and heard as such. Since I know a few FTMs who have been stopped from medically transitioning (and one that has chosen not to medically transition), a support thread for those here on the BFP would be a good thing.

And I called it Bravehearts. I'm not a huge fan of Mel Gibson but to me, it takes a lot of heart and bravery to continue to move forward to present as male when the world has a narrow definition of gender.

Two years is far to long for this thread to be idle...IMHO
I am bumping it and quoting the first post from Linus to remind us the original purpose of the thread.
A little about my journey. Most of my life I lived in a section of the country that I still refer to as it being stuck in a time warp of the 1930s and to quote one of my best friends..."IL the hot bed of liberals NOT" To be fair to my hometown and state there have been improvements for our community at least legally, according to my 16 year old self proclaimed pansexual niece. Yet, once you leave her generation it is still dangerous to be anything but a white cis-male I kid you not. I say all this only because even though I knew at a very young age that I am male I am also a product of the hate and fear that was (is) a prevalent part of this area. So it took me a long time to tell anyone that I am a FtM well actually I now say I am a male born with birth defects. Doing that helps me with my body (gender) dysphoria and it has helped others in my life understand my transition as they also transtion.
Anyways, a few years back I had the opportunity to leave the Midwest and move to the PNW where it is much easier to transtion medically.
The last time I bumped this thread I had only been on T for a year and was still hoping to have top surgery. I have now been on T for around 5 years and for the first time my dose is being tweaked due to my increasing age. My hope of having top surgery was ripped from me two years ago after a very bad and negative reaction to having my spine operated on. I am now not medically able to complete my medical transtion. It has been almost two years since this occurred and it is still a bitter pill to swallow. It is hard to move backwards after such a long hard fight of moving forward.

[Lyte]

"Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition "

What a kizmit subject line! Bravehearts ... it does seem so from what I've read recently ... elsewhere... on another site..

The question was asked to the FTM members of the other group whether or not they ever felt pressured to medically transition. Many said "yes." And... the pressure was coming from FTM who has transitioned and/or from lesbians. I was both surprised and disappointed! I was surprised because I didn't know such pressure existed and disappointment that this pressure was coming from those within our own LGBTQ community! WTH?!

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Sadly that is nothing new depending on your location and age. There is the other side as well FtMs that want to transtion but are pressured not to. Again by members of the community, the medical professionals that refuse to help, and let's not forget the bio-family.
For me personally I don't feel like a member of any group all because the decision to medically transtion was taken from me. Part of the community will always keep me at arms length, my experience,.Which can be a lonely life as well as a single one at least in my experience.
There is a difference between someone not being able to financially be able to transtion, has a medical condition that prevents the surgery from being done safely, and anyone feeling pressured to or not to transtion. The former should never have IMHO it equates to someone who you should love but instead it is gender and not sexuality

[DapperButch]

Loyalwolfsblade,

I read your two posts and I am trying to understand. You are saying that you are not able to get top surgery due to medical reasons? You said something about figuring it out during spine surgery. Is it an anesthesia thing?

I can't think of a medical reason that you couldn't get two pieces of fatty tissue and glandular tissue removed, so I am thinking they suggest you avoid "unnecessary surgeries" or something?


<---- not in the medical professional