The Femme Continuum: The "Highs" and "Lows" of Visibility

[femmeInterrupted]

Some interesting thoughts on this whole "femme invisibility" topic.
I'll speak from my own individual place, as a femme, and also, as I relate to this subject as a feminist.

So first of all, I'm about as invisible as a full blown super nova. I take up space. I have opinions, presence, and don't move through any space, queer or not, like some invisible wraith in a push up bra and a pair of heels.

It sits somewhere unpleasantly on the shelf next to 'reverse racism' for me. Issues of passing locate themselves importantly in the axis of power and privilege, of oppression and violence. Just like there is no such thing as 'reverse racism' against a dominant white body, the idea of a 'passing' as straight through the world is privilege, that is being spun now as the 'oppression' of not being seen. It's not an accusation to be read as 'straight' by a heteronormative world. It's simply an anatomical fiat: I have a gender, that gender is femme. I express that gender in ways that FIT me. Those expressions give me an undeserved, unwarranted privilege in passing.


Femme Invisibility: not so much.





I prefer this:

[femmeInterrupted]

Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.

[femmeInterrupted]

...which thread to share this on, but this is AWESOME!

Femmes, Pulling the Pieces Together: A Keynote Address by Pratibha Parmar


http://thefeministwire.com/2013/02/f...zm-l9Y.twitter

[stepfordfemme]

Originally Posted by femmeInterrupted

Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.

So I feel conflicted as a QWF that's being called out here.

I don't say "femme invisibility" in these threads to claim being wronged by society as a whole. It's a loss of community I have felt. It's a feeling and experience that is solely mine, that makes me feel less isolated when it's echoed back from a femme sister. It's an experience that not everyone shares for sure.

And as a QWF, I would never try to own someone else's experience as a person of color, a transgendered person, or anything else that isn't my experience to own.

I know that I have privilege and safety, there is an alternate thread in the Femme Zone called unpacking the purse--discussing femme privilege. I guess as this a venue for me to connect with my femme sisters in way that I normally don't get to do regularly. I think we should all have the chance to speak in our voices.

But sometimes I feel like when we don't share experiences with each other for the sake of saying "x, y or z has it so much worse" it shuts down a venue for people to discuss. I want everyone to share whatever experiences they've had in their lives. Because the only person that can speak your story is you.

This isn't meant as a retort, so much as its a desire to open up discussion.

[femmeInterrupted]

Originally Posted by stepfordfemme

I guess as this a venue for me to connect with my femme sisters in way that I normally don't get to do regularly. I think we should all have the chance to speak in our voices.

This isn't meant as a retort, so much as its a desire to open up discussion.

I love that we have this venue/space to connect. You are so right in that many of us don't get to do so regularly.

As a QWF myself, that image, and the words spoke to me. I received them as an ally to my femme sisters who are WOC. I acknowledge the reality of how their experience(s) differ from my own.

I don't feel personally, that femme invisibility, is an issue for me OUTSIDE of our own communities. I also truly believe that there is no hierarchy of oppression, and that all of our experiences are real, valid and worthy of sharing.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by femmeInterrupted

Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.

I'm going to use this photo as a jumping off point, and my (possible) rant is NOT aimed at you, femmeInterrupted. Just to make that clear. Some of my ideas are probably going to be admittedly reactionary.

I've been out of the loop in the Butch/Femme online community for a long time now. I dropped out of the scene after some big online drama on some big other web site. I'm sure a lot of you know what I am talking about. In the spirit of full disclosure, I used to go by the name of musicfemme in old online circles. The name just doesn't fit me as well anymore, so here I am.

I have been desperately wanting to get back into the online community for a while now but haven't known how. I've been wanting to post something on this site about being Femme and what I've been going through in the past few years of my life. The very REAL, and genuine pain I feel around issues of Femme invisibility. I haven't known where to post, or how to do it, and I know most of this conversation took place years ago, but that photo really stuck in my craw and motivated me to finally speak.

When I say I have DESPERATELY been wanting to get back into the B/F online community, I am not overstating my point. I feel literally desperate for Femmes and Butches. I feel desperate and lonely and alone and ripped apart and fucking INVISIBLE. I have been searching for the right thread to reach out because I feel fucking INVISIBLE in my life. That INVISIBILITY is so real and so painful to me, that I read this entire thread fucking crying. That when I tried getting on this web site again, after six months of when I signed up--I cried. It's very emotional for me. You know what? I think it's great that some Femmes don't feel an issue with invisibility--but I do. And it's not because I'm stupid or care too much what other people think--it's because community is genuinely important, and when you literally have none, well talk to me then about what it's like to try and move through the world interacting with hardly anyone who can wrap their mind around who you fucking are.

You want to know why that picture pisses me off? Well, it's because it smacks of blowing off femininity and rendering the feelings of feminine folks, FEMMES, as lesser and less important than other issues. Look, I fully understand that because I am white and feminine and seemingly straight that I get to move in the world in ways that are easier because of those things. HOWEVER, it does not change the reality and validity of anything I feel as a Femme in regards to my femininity and the pain of invisibility. BOTH can exist at the same time. The matrix of power and privilege and opression are complicated things.

Anyway. Yeah, so invisibility can fucking suck. I got to a point in my life where finding real time kinky community was more important to me than anything else. And while, I learned a LOT, and experienced a lot, it really did divorce me from any sort of B/F community. I made the decision to take some time off from being online and really got immersed in BDSM. In a mostly straight community. In a community that wouldn't understand Femme if it bit them in the ass. In a community where "FemDom" is shorthand for "Female Dominant". I'm like, no I am a F-E-M-M-EEEEE, totally different thing. Have you ever tried explaining Femme to completely ignorant folks WITHOUT referencing Butch, Lesbian, Trans, your girlfriend at home, etc.? It's actually very difficult.

Then, THEN, I committed the Femme Cardinal Sin of All Femme Sins. I fell in love with a cis man. Yes, you heard that correctly. And while I love him very much--it has complicated my life and fucked with my head and really served to divorce me from the Femme/Butch community further. I have never felt more invisible in my entire life than I have since I've been with him. It shoves me back in the closet fucking constantly. And as much as he tries to understand Femme, it is NOT the same as the intrinsic understanding that comes from other Femmes, Femme-loving Butches, and Femme-loving Transmen.

Most of the folks in my local kinky community think I am straight and I have given up trying to explain. I feel unwelcome at Queer events because of who my partner is, and it is heartbreaking because HE DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM. Because, you see, I am still a Butch and Transman loving Femme. My identity has not changed because I happened to fall in love with a cis man. I am NOT straight, as some folks like to tell me. I am NOT bisexual (though there is nothing wrong with that), and I am NOT pansexual. Everyone seems to like to tell me what the fuck I am now. I have even more strongly realized that my identity is not dependant on anyone else, and that my sexual orientation towards Transmen (mainly) and also Butches HAS NOT CHANGED. I would most likely never seek out a relationship with a cis man ever again. Which is also not to say I don't fucking love my partner.

But my level of visibility? That has absolutely changed. I am seen as suspect. I am traitor. My feminity less valid, much more easily dismissed. The ironic thing being I am VERY political, out, proud, radical in my femininity and brand of Femme. Yes, I do those things that others have mentioned are not always deemed "acceptable" for Femmes--swearing, kink, fucking, Topping, strapping, and many others. So, I feel fucked six ways to Sunday and not in a good way.

Even though I know exactly who I am, it does get pretty lonely without anyone who can really SEE me. Without community. It's kind of like the tree falling in the forrest thing. I do care to have people in my life who can truly SEE me. Who "get" my gender and my performance and that I don't have to constantly explain myself to. I am desperately lonely and feel torn in two directions and it fucking sucks. My pain in this invisibility I am experiencing is REAL and does not go away just because I am white and I can "pass," whatever that really means. I ABHOR being told I shouldn't be vocal about Femme invisibility because of passing. It hurts. Plain and simple.

Ok, I feel like this post is getting way too long and rambling. I just really feel the need to speak and put my story out there, maybe have some people read it and get some support.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by femmeInterrupted

Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.

The thing that came to mind, for me, back when I saw this post in February, was the semiotic value of using the mascara wand; and then, as if by provenance, I came across a quote last night, posted by 'Soon' (I loved seeing that quote, Soon):

“Sometimes I think the difference between what we want and what we're afraid of is about the width of an eyelash.” ― Jay McInerney

candy_coated_bitch's post last night struck to the heart of the complication of matters - most of which I feel deal with the struggle many of, if not most all: The idea proposed by candy_coated_bitch that "the matrix of power and privilege and oppression are complicated things" (See, paragraph 5, of ccb's 11 stanza post above).

Back to expressing my own, although brief, complicated arrangement of thoughts: I liked the mascara wand in that often times, no matter how expensive the brand of mascara I buy, I often deal with clumping issues. And, the irony of the statement contained within the photo found on Pinterest, and contained within the quote as well, was the idea that if we took gender, sexual orientation and proclivities, race (I use this particular term loosely to include all forms of racial identification and ethnicity, not just one) and all other biological and social markers out of the equation and all we had left was an 'eye-lash' of distinction, how is it that we still face 'clumping issues' ??? (a rhetorical implication)

In my own opinion, I face 'clumping issues' every single day in life and it's not only within this particular community, but in everyday life at work or even in ongoing relationships with people (in general). It pisses me off. It taxes every single last nerve I have, even in the subterranean existence I feel I often lead on a daily basis. And, simultaneously, I also find that, for me, I find myself appalled that I would relish being invisible because when I come to the point where I equally (for lack of a better way to explain it) experience invisibility here in this particular community or in any community abroad, I loathe how even now in life I have less than a better way to reveal who I am. And I say that because in my own life experience, even when I am quite vocal about who I am, I get tired of perceptual foci of others who would say or think that I am, in their words, a "Femme Dom" or "Bisexual" or any other sexual orientation or gender other than what I am. And what I am is simply this: I am Femme (full stop). And, even with having taken the time to explain who I am in a single post, two years ago, in Betenoir's forum thread of who I am as a Femme, I still face the unintended (or intended) consequence of perception held by others of who they think I am, when clearly their perception of who I am is not who I am.

I want to say thank you, wholeheartedly, to candy_coated_bitch for your timely post and the eloquence with which you express your views. I'm glad you are here once again in our online community.

[Chancie]

Originally Posted by Chancie

Interestingly enough, here in Western Mass, behind the tofu curtain, I am seen as extra feminine, whatever that means.

I don't think of myself as a high femme, since I generally associate that with a choice of gender markers, but others have said that I am in fact a hippy-flavored high femme.

It's almost three years later, and

I have come to feel a strong distaste for adjectives preceding the word 'femme'.

1. high
2. completely
3. ultra
4. real
5. true
6. natural
7. pure

I'm sure there are a few others that trouble me.

I understand that some members use those words as shorthand, but they raise my hackles.

What meaning are those adjectives intended to convey?

[Happyfemme]

Most people assume that I am straight because of what I look like but I don't really care what anyone else thinks. I only care what the person (butch or ftm) I am with thinks. That is of course when I am in a relationship.

[ScandalAndy]

Originally Posted by femmeInterrupted

Just came across this image on Pinterest. Thought of this thread.

ok...so I know this is an older post, and we're all commenting on it now and talking about it, which is really super awesome.

I, however, have LOTS OF FEELINGS about it.

First: confusion. I do not understand why an afro-latina femme dyke is freaking out about privilege for queer white femmes in relation to invisibility. Is there not privilege in passing for a straight afro-latina woman also? I understand race politics are messy and I am loathe to open that can of worms here, it just looks like the person who made the photo was trying to make a comment about those racial politics but missed her mark. Is she implying that femmes of color are recognizable as dykes?

Second: Calling people out on privilege. This is something that has becoming REALLY popular lately. Instead of having teachable moments where we can learn and be educated and educate others, we have somehow gotten to this place where everything is instantly viewed as a personal insult, and every vestige of privilege needs to be called out, scorned, and turned into a competition of "I have less privilege than you". I can't stand it. I had a friend who would spend all of their time berating people for what they believed was privilege and cultural appropriation. Most of the time, they were just searching for reasons to blame everyone else for things that were beyond their control. They are no longer my friend because they cannot tell the difference between malicious insult and being uninformed.

Third: I believe invisibility is a problem for folks looking to find people to date. How can a person find a partner if they don't know who to look for/consider as a possible match? I would love to go out on dates, but the only people who approach me are cis-gendered men. I indicate interest to masculine-presenting folks, but that is often considered "too forward". For me, there is no appearance-based characteristic to indicate my sexual/relationship preferences and that causes a problem because it immediately discounts the prospect of being seen as a member of the community at first glance. For me, I will have to invest the time to talk to someone and choose to disclose the information that I am queer to make my identity known. I will have to trust that people interested in potentially making a match with me for whatever reason will be able to put in the time to find out that information. Sometimes people just want to be able to look and know.


Sorry for the novel. Thank you for letting me speak my mind. I hope some of you lovely folks might be able to help me understand what's going on with that photo and the subsequent discussion. I promise I am not trying to be insulting, just curious (and slightly ranty about invisibility).

[candy_coated_bitch]

I'm so glad that folks are posting in this thread again. I want to write, and hate doing the whole multi-quote thing but will try and make it clear when I am responing to someone else.

One of the best things I've ever read on the myth of "Femme Privilege"

I swear I could kiss that woman on the mouth for that if I ever meet her. It touches more eloquently on some of the things I was trying to say in my post than I could. Food for thought.

Katzchen (if I knew how to make the little two dots above the "a" I would LOL)--Oh yes, I really like your analogy with the mascara wand and issues of "clumping". All of this stuff tends to bump up against each other in often messy, not so pretty ways. Including invisibility!

Yes, why would anyone RELISH being invisible? Gee, that's so enjoyable, right? But it goes beyond that. I loved what the author of the blog pointed out about the reconstruction of the closet as oppressive. Fucking AMEN. The notion of straight unil proven otherwise I think is oppressive for ANYONE queer, and that the burden of having to constantly come out and explain ourselves as Femmes is absolutely a type of erasure, silencing, and yes, oppression. Also, even in our own communities--Femmes are often viewed as suspect. An almost "guilty until proven innocent" kind of thing when it comes to femininity.

And once proven legitimate--how is that legitimacy so quickly removed? So often based on whom we choose to partner with? It's ludicrous! I really wish there were better ways of explaining and understanding Femme beyond "Oh I like Butches". That's all well and good and often a part of Femme sexuality--but it is NOT what Femme is about. I feel like we (general we) are able to recognize that Femme is a gender but not really able to explain it. The easiest way for me to come out has always been an explanation regarding who my partner/potential partners are. Which is fucked! And now that the option of doing that, for me, is removed, or more complicated, or whatever--I dearly wish I had better words to explain "Femme" other than something vis avis who I am fucking.

ScandalAndy: I really liked your post and had actually been thinking about coming back and writing something here raising some of the questions you did. Like I said earlier--I think issues of power and privilege are complicated, but yeah WTF with the Oppression Olympics. I would ABSOLUTELY think an Afro-Latina Femme Dyke (or other Femme of color) would experience issues of invisibility in similar ways. I'm not really sure what she was getting at either, except an odd way of saying she thinks racism is a more important issue for her? Which it may very well be for many Femmes of color, I couldn't speak on that. My feelings on my own experience are not somehow invalid because I am white. It doesn't make issues of Femme (in)visibility less real. A Femme of color may have other issues going on that make things more complicated, that may make issues of (in)visibility more or less salient. Sure, I get that. And I'm pretty sure a lot of white Femmes wanting to talk about this stuff get it. I'm not going to fucking shut up just because racism exists. I want to try my best as a white person to be an ally (I may not always be successful) and listen to important conversation when I have the opportunity. But I will NOT stop having feelings because I am white, or stop speaking about the ways I experience other forms of oppression just because I am white.

That picture SO left a bad tatse in mouth partially because I felt it insinuated that white Femmes couldn't be aware of their own invisibility AND acknowledge issues around racism at the same time. But, I am perfectly able to acknowledge both, thank you. I am not an air head and my mind can handle it without exploding.

I think it WOULD be inappropriate to continually bring up issues of invisibility during a conversation Femmes of color were trying to have about race. Like, saying "oh yeah but I'm so invisible" and hijacking the conversation. THAT is Oppression Olympics and inappropriate. I would never do that. That space for discussions about racism needs to exist and I respect that. I even wanna learn from that. HOWEVER, a Queer White Femme making comments and speaking on her own outside of that--um, no. Just don't even dismiss that shit just because I am white. That in and of itself feels like an other type of silencing that just does not sit well with me.

I fully believe this issue of (in)visibility goes well and beyond some "hurt feelings". I think the blog entry, again, touches on some of that stuff really wonderfully. The question about how much privilege a feminine woman really accesses is an important one, I think. Enough with the red herrings already.

And finally--Chancie. I liked your post. I also agree that I find descriptors such as: "high," "true," "pure," etc. disconcerting. I suspect that their usage in and of itself is a result of feelings around Femme (in)visibility, even unconsciously. I mean--what is a "pure" Femme? What qualities or traits or behaviors can make a Femme IMpure (i.e. less Femme)? How does that even make sense, really? But I think we feel those things! I think those pressures and stereotypes exist. I think using such adjectives show a real need for a Femme to assert her Femmeness and femininity, to stand out, to legitimize herself. When really, ANY embodiment of Femme is true, pure, natural, uber, and the highest form of Femme possible.

[julieisafemme]

I guess I am not understanding what is so bad about what the femme wrote. She acknowledges that femme invisibility sucks and feels bad and should be something to discuss but that the "passing" of a white femme is a very different experience than of a femme of color. I am not saying this be the good white person. I guess it reminds of the arguments people get into with transmen versus butches. Everyone has valid concerns and issues but no one ever hears anything because they are so busy being offended, othered and dismissed. Why can't people have their feelings that don't always acknowledge or make room for other's feelings?

This femme is entitled to her feelings and lived experience. Her experience does not negate or invalidate mine. I hope this makes sense. I am not trying to disagree with any of the posts here and I actually really appreciate all of the opinions.

[Nat]

That image above - that really gets under my skin. hmm.

You know, I really don't go around complaining about the invisibility and frankly if anybody paid attention I think my gayness is a bit visible except to the clueless.

However, I'm wondering if the word "invisibility" trivializes the lived experience. Other words I have found apply: on the outskirts, trivialized, not believed, invalidated, not a "real" lesbian, suspect.

Growing up, I knew some lesbians. In fact, my next-door neighbors were a lesbian couple. They weren't butch-femme. If anything, they were more butch-butch looking to my 10 year-old eyes. They used to have other lesbians over and drink beer and talk on their back driveway, the sound of their laughter and comradery were sounds that carried me to the window in the Texas dusk. The seemed to have what it seemed like so many men had - a sort of comradery that I didn't see among straight women. My mom is one of four sisters and they love each other and are very kind to each other. But the way these women related to each other - it was something I wanted very badly with other women and that I didn't see other women having. But that laughter, that kinship always seemed to be in some farther room - inaccessible. At first because I was in the closet, and later because I still wasn't that - type of lesbian who could have that sort of interaction with other lesbians. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to just be a butch among butches. It looks like heaven from the outside. But, I have found something - if not the same type of comradery as my neighbors' 80s get-togethers - amongst other femmes - and even in company of butches and femmes together. I guess what I'm saying is that it's nice to be in the company of people who know what the heck a femme is in the first place. There are few really who do know what a femme is - even in the queer world and even if the word "femme" is in the vocabulary.

[girl_dee]

just started a new job a few weeks ago. Of course i am invisible.

i am not sure why but by the 2nd or 3rd day homophobic comments had been released into the air and it cut my heart to hear. One is a young mom who has 3 children, saying
*What THOSE people do is between them and their God*
*I don't care what THOSE people do, but leave me out of it, and don't bring it around me*
*I don't care what THOSE people do but it's disgusting*

My supervisor made several comments about going into a gay section of town, and not very nice ones.

i assured both of them in a very respectful manner that i was sure the gays aren't interested in converting them, and left it at that

i really want and need this job so i remained quiet, knowing one day i would out myself whether it cost me the job or not.
It's a family owned business and very, very casual atmosphere. Of course they would not say they got rid of me because i am gay, but would find a way to work me out. After a month there i am pretty sure they have realized how fucking valuable i am and what a lottery they hit with me.

Then suddenly it all stopped. They seemed different to me in a nice way. Warming up to me even. Something is different.

Maybe they noticed the rainbow sticker on my car.

i chose not to go to combat in the beginning but to use my invisibility to show them what shallow minded idiots they are.

Maybe they will get rid of me, but i'm too old and tired for closets

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I guess I don't care if I'm invisible as a femme. I don't care what people I don't know, don't know about me.

And if people make assumptions about who I want to sleep with, I don't care about that, either. If they matter to me, I'll give them more information so they know me better. If they don't matter to me, I don't care if their assessment of me is inaccurate.

I can't relate to the pain of invisible femme-ness. And the way I feel about this, doesn't make me less of a femme, or a lesser femme. I'm just a femme who doesn't care if I'm the only one who knows it.

i read this and i hear you. A while back i would have agreed 100%.

i don't agree. i want to be visible but more as a whole. We are a huge part of the gay population and the gay rights movement, i don't see myself as much of an individual as i do as a community among sisters in a big gay world. Our presence shows people that gays aren't so bad and we live and breathe among the rest of the world. The shock effect, i love the shock effect.

i feel the more visible we are, the more knowledge we bring to people, like at my current job which i just spoke of. My job as a gay woman is not to convert people but i feel when we educate people about assumptions and hatred, and how we are not all deviants trying to convert their children, the easier it will become for those coming up behind us to live in this world. i know it's getting better but i am reminded daily that we have a long way to go.

i used to feel like *fuck em*.. it's not my job to educate the world. Now i feel like it is, i wish someone had gotten thru to my father, maybe my life would be a lot different. Being gay was not an option. i feel like if by using my invisibility helps change the mind of a couple people, like the ones i work with, maybe life will be better for their children.


i guarantee you if i had walked in for my interview being visible, i would not have gotten this job. Privilege at its finest. A month later and we have all had a great time and bonded a bit, being gay isn't such a big deal.

[The_Lady_Snow]

The descriptors you used in the post to *me* are assigned markers of hierarchy... Femme has no High ----- Low, we- just are. For me it's my gender so..... I can't and won't fall into the trap of assigning "value" to Femme. I'd like to address the stuff about Femmes of Color and our experiences but I'll take the chance and be transparent and say I'm not comfortable cause there was some hostility in the posts regarding a WOC's perception about race/identify/gender/Femme...


Candy, I'm going to come back after work and share my experience as a Femme who chose to live with a cis gender man and the trials of holding on to Femme

Hang in there sister!

Originally Posted by Chancie

It's almost three years later, and

I have come to feel a strong distaste for adjectives preceding the word 'femme'.

1. high
2. completely
3. ultra
4. real
5. true
6. natural
7. pure

I'm sure there are a few others that trouble me.

I understand that some members use those words as shorthand, but they raise my hackles.

What meaning are those adjectives intended to convey?

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i read this and i hear you. A while back i would have agreed 100%.

i don't agree. i want to be visible but more as a whole. We are a huge part of the gay population and the gay rights movement, i don't see myself as much of an individual as i do as a community among sisters in a big gay world. Our presence shows people that gays aren't so bad and we live and breathe among the rest of the world. The shock effect, i love the shock effect.

i feel the more visible we are, the more knowledge we bring to people, like at my current job which i just spoke of. My job as a gay woman is not to convert people but i feel when we educate people about assumptions and hatred, and how we are not all deviants trying to convert their children, the easier it will become for those coming up behind us to live in this world. i know it's getting better but i am reminded daily that we have a long way to go.

i used to feel like *fuck em*.. it's not my job to educate the world. Now i feel like it is, i wish someone had gotten thru to my father, maybe my life would be a lot different. Being gay was not an option. i feel like if by using my invisibility helps change the mind of a couple people, like the ones i work with, maybe life will be better for their children.


i guarantee you if i had walked in for my interview being visible, i would not have gotten this job. Privilege at its finest. A month later and we have all had a great time and bonded a bit, being gay isn't such a big deal.

I really hear you on the employment issues, Dee. I never judge people who are not out at work. We all pretend at our jobs in one way or another, or most do anyway.

I'm out at work, but I wasn't for the first few months.

Being out at work usually doesn't have an impact on how it feels to be there but this past week I had a meeting with the chair of a department at my college, and it came up.

He was commenting about a guy in my department who is regarded as a kind of "womanizer." I said I "don't get" the appeal of the guy, but I'm gay, and since the only way he relates to women is by flirting, I don't even notice he's there most of the time.

The department chair looked kind of startled. Then he told me his daughter is gay and she's about to marry her partner of ten years. He said it was hard for him at first; he kept asking her, "Are you sure?" but now, he's happy for her. He looked at me differently when I left. He walked me all the way to the exit, past all the other offices.

I don't think I'm out at work to change the world. I just don't have the energy to constantly reinvent myself to make others comfortable.

It's also personal for me and not about being gay. I recently left my partner and felt invisible in her house for a lot of reasons that were amplified once I withdrew from the twice-weekly family dinners where her mother glared hatefully at me and jumped in to invalidate everything I said. I went everywhere by myself and never felt so alone in my own home and life when I was in that relationship. That kind of invisibility damaged me in ways that are going to take a while to heal.

Maybe that's why I also, lately, stepped out as a gay person at work (I'm already out at work and it doesn't usually come up but there is a certain subtext in place when I make a comment about gay stuff as opposed to a straight person making it), and laughed at my boss when he said he didn't want to write an article about a queer lit professor because "it's not his thing." He seemed really uncomfortable that we even have a queer lit class at the college.

And I laughed out loud at him, which he didn't like. I said, "I've just never heard a manager be so open with his homophobia." Then I said, "Just don't make comments like that at Cabinet!" and laughed more.

The guy was embarrassed and back-pedaled strenuously to justify his comments. I said look, what if I say I don't want to cover a Jewish history class because "it's not my thing." (I'm not Jewish, but my boss is, and anti-Semitism is the only "ism" that gets to him, IMO.) I was playing devil's advocate, of course. To his credit he didn't play the "boss" card, and we just moved on.

I work in a very politically correct environment with a lot of institutional protections in place for gays and people of color but it doesn't sound like you do. I can say those things because I have protections in place.

But did I "change the world" as you describe that act of being out in the world?

I don't know. I enjoyed the exchange. And guess what, he has changed. He's much cooler now about this gay guy that works in another department that he used to make unkind remarks about, for one thing. I wonder if it's related.

[Chancie]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

ok...so I know this is an older post, and we're all commenting on it now and talking about it, which is really super awesome.

I, however, have LOTS OF FEELINGS about it.

First: confusion. I do not understand why an afro-latina femme dyke is freaking out about privilege for queer white femmes in relation to invisibility. Is there not privilege in passing for a straight afro-latina woman also? I understand race politics are messy and I am loathe to open that can of worms here, it just looks like the person who made the photo was trying to make a comment about those racial politics but missed her mark. Is she implying that femmes of color are recognizable as dykes?

<snip>

It's really bothering me that you used the expression 'freaking out'.

It may be that it's personal narrative style on your part, but

It's very dismissive.

It seems like an awkward choice when communicating your feelings and ideas about femme invisibility.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I really hear you on the employment issues, Dee. I never judge people who are not out at work. We all pretend at our jobs in one way or another, or most do anyway.

I'm out at work, but I wasn't for the first few months.

Being out at work usually doesn't have an impact on how it feels to be there but this past week I had a meeting with the chair of a department at my college, and it came up.

He was commenting about a guy in my department who is regarded as a kind of "womanizer." I said I "don't get" the appeal of the guy, but I'm gay, and since the only way he relates to women is by flirting, I don't even notice he's there most of the time.

The department chair looked kind of startled. Then he told me his daughter is gay and she's about to marry her partner of ten years. He said it was hard for him at first; he kept asking her, "Are you sure?" but now, he's happy for her. He looked at me differently when I left. He walked me all the way to the exit, past all the other offices.

I don't think I'm out at work to change the world. I just don't have the energy to constantly reinvent myself to make others comfortable.

It's also personal for me and not about being gay. I recently left my partner and felt invisible in her house for a lot of reasons that were amplified once I withdrew from the twice-weekly family dinners where her mother glared hatefully at me and jumped in to invalidate everything I said. I went everywhere by myself and never felt so alone in my own home and life when I was in that relationship. That kind of invisibility damaged me in ways that are going to take a while to heal.

Maybe that's why I also, lately, stepped out as a gay person at work (I'm already out at work and it doesn't usually come up but there is a certain subtext in place when I make a comment about gay stuff as opposed to a straight person making it), and laughed at my boss when he said he didn't want to write an article about a queer lit professor because "it's not his thing." He seemed really uncomfortable that we even have a queer lit class at the college.

And I laughed out loud at him, which he didn't like. I said, "I've just never heard a manager be so open with his homophobia." Then I said, "Just don't make comments like that at Cabinet!" and laughed more.

The guy was embarrassed and back-pedaled strenuously to justify his comments. I said look, what if I say I don't want to cover a Jewish history class because "it's not my thing." (I'm not Jewish, but my boss is, and anti-Semitism is the only "ism" that gets to him, IMO.) I was playing devil's advocate, of course. To his credit he didn't play the "boss" card, and we just moved on.

I work in a very politically correct environment with a lot of institutional protections in place for gays and people of color but it doesn't sound like you do. I can say those things because I have protections in place.

But did I "change the world" as you describe that act of being out in the world?

I don't know. I enjoyed the exchange. And guess what, he has changed. He's much cooler now about this gay guy that works in another department that he used to make unkind remarks about, for one thing. I wonder if it's related.

i <3 you fellow sister.

that last line is what i am relating to right now in my life.

Part of my standpoint is my own selfishness, i want this job. If i make waves and start bucking the powers that be, its over for me there. As i got to know my co-worker (who is leaving the company this summer) i was saddened by her, for her children. i am not out to change the world i don't think, (exploring my own thoughts here) i am out to change my corner of it, and hopefully as you have done, make someone who probably has not had exposure to anyone gay because of their own walls, that we are not monster and have been operating in society since the beginning of time. In being part of my fellow femme sister community, i do think we as a whole have an important presence in the gay community. We show people gay is not always visible.

Now, that being said, i will not work in a hostile or toxic environment. So far it is not like that, but my knee jerk, cajun hot head reaction to the first few comments were to say take this job and shove it.

i think i made the right choice.

[imperfect_cupcake]

When I was in college, a local elder of the river community came to talk to us about the anthropology field study we had just completed. He talked to us about privilege. He said that we were privileged to have had that education and experience. That we had the time and means (student loan) to do so and many of us have the privilege of being white or being a respected member or a group who can speak with authority. Or both. Use that privilege to influence change for balance, so others can have that privilege.

One thing I have really learned from living in many different places in this world is that the privileges I have in Vancouver are not the same when I live somewhere else. I lose some and gain others when I move.
In some places I just lose some.
People forget that there is a giant subtext to talking about privilege and hierarchies. Its experiences are local.
I did not have any of the problems that I had as a femme in the community in London that I have here. And there were even more when I lived/stayed in seattle and NY.
The atmosphere of fear of the gay is what drives femme invisibility. When that lessens, I find there are fewer problems for people within the community itself.
Before I left I would have agreed there was a hierarchy. Now I just think there are fuckwits I don't want to know or bother with.
Invisibility is real but when I exchange my visibility for lesbianism with perceived heterosexuality and availability to men I get all kinds of fucked up shit in return that I DONT have when I'm visible. Yes there are privileges to passing. I can go into the B&B and book a room when my partner gets told there's no rooms left. I get a job when someone else does not (I may have to be in the closet, but I got hired). But this is not about how I shouldn't have those rights - and these are rights, and everyone should have them, not have them taken away as a privilege I don't deserve.
But I would like the privilege that I won't be considered to be stupid, shallow, submissive, superfluous, silly, an item that can't understand complex conversations like a pretty plant, no capable, helpless, greedy, insecure, need a cock in my mouth to shut me up, a gossip, weak, meddling... I can go on... Because I am feminine. Even in the feminist circles of the just me hippy types my age, when I asked one of them, as we were in a group and having a drink and I could feel that old tension between being found attractive and being hated - and it felt like being around men - why didn't she put that she wanted to date femmes in her profile online her answer was: because she thought she's get responses from girls who were fluffy and shallow.

That sort of says it all right there really. My local lezzo community wants to fuck femininity but they don't want to talk to it.

Its deeply sexist. And it comes from feminists.

As a feminist I find this disgusting.

As a human it feels fucking debasing.

And it is really hard to get back into the zen mindset of "wanker bell end I don't want to talk to, and so are your friends" and not colour every single non-queer IDing lesbian in Vancouver with the same brush of "ignorant sexist wank rag" and despair.

My invisibility allows me access to RIGHTS we should ALL have. And its my job to use any privileges to ensure others have access to rights too.

However, if I want to bitch and moan about the rampant sexist fucking ass cheese about the basis of invisibility I goddamn well will. If you don't want to hear it, piss off then, I'm not making you stay and listen.

If you have issues of invisibility that are different than mine, open your big gob and tell me what they are. You have a brain and a mouth and I have ears and a brain.