Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by Words

The worst part of the whole experience from my point of view. Receiving a copy of the letter sent by the gender clinic psychologist to O/our family doctor and realizing that the most intimate details of my relationship with Blue in general and O/our sex life in particular were now no longer private. I was angry with the psychologist, I was angry with the system that made sharing the information a necessity

My husband and I have been looking into fertility treatment. I didn't realise the moment I told my gynaecologist that my husband was transsexual, we lost our right to privacy. It was awful and I felt violated, receiving copies of the letters she had written regarding our treatment and my husbands transsexuality. It's an endless journey my friend

[DapperButch]

Just an FYI. I didn't realize this thread existed until it just came up to the front page:

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...read.php?t=976

I haven't read this thread but I hope it is a place that is safe for partners to about their difficulties with their partner transitioning.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I am glad you found a group to attend in real life and with a therapist--you are lucky.

I think it is safe to assume that most of us live in areas where we, unfortunately, don't have access to such groups and the only resources/forums are online.

I'm envious that you live in a area that is progressive and has multiple options for those who are trans and their partners, but, of course, also happy for you in that you have such resources that work for you.

I live in an area with lots of resources for transpeople. That does not seem to translate to partners! The way I found about this group was by meeting the therapist in Seattle when we went to Gender Odyssey. She is married to a Transman who is not out. So I think even here there are not multiple options for partners. That seems crazy to me and that is why I am focused on partners speaking up and creating what we need. The group I was in was small too. It seems like there must be more partners who would want to be in it.

Anyone who is interested in the therapists name and e-mail. She might be able to suggest someone or some place in other areas.

I am really upset to hear that so many groups allow transpeople in them. That makes it impossible to have an honest conversation. Partners need a space with other partners. Period. There is nothing transphobic about that.

[Quintease]

I've just had a thought.

There are FTM groups all over Facebook, my husband is on about 3 of them. Are there equivalent ones for partners on Facebook? Should there be? If not, why not?

Should we start one?

[iamkeri1]

Originally Posted by Quintease

My husband and I have been looking into fertility treatment. I didn't realise the moment I told my gynaecologist that my husband was transsexual, we lost our right to privacy. It was awful and I felt violated, receiving copies of the letters she had written regarding our treatment and my husbands transsexuality. It's an endless journey my friend

The worst part of this is that the therapist often exaggerates (on paper)problems in a transpersons life since the more f'd up they are, the more likely they are to get insurance coverage for their transition. This exaggeration is then passed on, possibly endlessly, sending the impression of "malfunction" in the T person's life and relationship ahead of them to any treatment situation. My husband was the most loving, generous, stable, "normal" person you could hope to meet, yet his psych chart made him read like a paycho, LOL.

A piece of advice for those of you seeking fertility assistance. Unless you already have children, INSIST on having tests done to assure your own fertility before you submit to artificial insemination.

The women in my family have had many fertility issues. Two of my Aunts wre unable to conceive at all, My Mother had seven miscarriages and two live births, and the one fertile Aunt had eight live births, but also eight miscarriages. I brought this up with every doctor I saw, and also said I had never become pregnant in my earlier straight life, (short though it was!) NOOOOO! they wouldn't do any fertility tests, even though my periods were irregular and there was not much of a temperature change throughout my cycle. I endured many months of insemination and disappointment and EXPENSE.

Finally the third doctor I worked with agreed to do testing. Turned out both fallopian tubes were fully blocked and there was no possible way I could conceive without surgery. The surgery would produce only a 15% chance of conceiving, with a 50% chance of ectopic pregnancy. The low possible success rate, I could face, but not the ectopc pregnancy. To spend years trying to conceive (there is no way I could describe to you how stressful and emotionally painful this was), only to have to terminate the pregnancy in order to save my own life? No I could not face that. So we took some time to recover emotionally, and then we adopted (out of the foster care system.)

Blessings to all of you, and your partners as well.

Smooches,
Keri

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Quintease

I've just had a thought.

There are FTM groups all over Facebook, my husband is on about 3 of them. Are there equivalent ones for partners on Facebook? Should there be? If not, why not?

Should we start one?

There are some "SOFFA" groups out there (here's one I found, not sure how good: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=190034887698 ).

It may be worthwhile to create one that's for partners/family of transmen, specifically those within the BF community.

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

A piece of advice for those of you seeking fertility assistance. Unless you already have children, INSIST on having tests done to assure your own fertility before you submit to artificial insemination.

In the UK fertility tests for both partners are mandatory if you have any kind of fertility issue. My hubby doesn't even have a sperm count but they STILL sent him off for a health check. If the paperwork isn't done then you do not get your treatment. That fact annoyed me, right up until I read your post. Now I am grateful.

[iamkeri1]

Originally Posted by Quintease

In the UK fertility tests for both partners are mandatory if you have any kind of fertility issue. My hubby doesn't even have a sperm count but they STILL sent him off for a health check. If the paperwork isn't done then you do not get your treatment. That fact annoyed me, right up until I read your post. Now I am grateful.

QT
I hadn't read your post till now. I'm glad my words helped ease your annoyance. It's so wonderful that you have health care available for your treatments. Good luck sweetie. Hope you are soon bouncing your sweet baby (gently, LOL) on your lap.
Smooches from the USA
Keri

[Soon]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Good for her. She's allowed to be upset and she's allowed to mourn. And she's allowed to express it however the hell she wants to express it.

I've been there. I wish 10 years ago that I had the kind of backbone of honesty that she has now.

---I agree---

[Vivacious1]

I respect the writer's honesty in her feelings! I understand what she is saying totally. I think it may be easy to get caught up on terminology that to some may be offensive, but to others it is not. I think that being with someone that is transitioning is quite difficult because what is so often not seen is that the couple is transitioning, not just the trans-person. It is a difficult lifestyle for many reasons, one which I believe can be worked out with the right communication etc, but for some it is impossible because the lack of understanding on either side.
This is something that I believe is discussed (probably at length) prior to the person transitioning but it is really reallllllly hard to know what you are really in for until the transition actually takes place. Beyond surgeries,testosterone, social issues etc, there are so many issues and adjustments that are required.

[Soon]

I have considered posting in this thread for awhile.

I just want to speak up for the femmes who loved their butches the way they were born.

I can't go further, emotionally, it is too hard.

Is there a space for women like me?

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by Soon

I have considered posting in this thread for awhile.

I just want to speak up for the femmes who loved their butches the way they were born.

I can't go further, emotionally, it is too hard.

Is there a space for women like me?

I can only speak for myself - but I think your space is here.

I just want to add, that my wife had a very hard time with my having top surgery 7 years ago. She loved and accepted me 100% the way I was. I had already transitioned when we met, and she only knew me as male, but she loved and appreciated my body the way it was, and was afraid she wouldn't be attracted to me after surgery. She also felt guilty she said, for not wanting me to change my body just because she liked it - when she knew it caused me so much pain. We went through a very emotional time. I am happy to report though, that she was 100% fine with it afterwards and loves my chest now. I know this isn't exactly the same as a woman falling in love with a Butch woman who decides later to transition - I can't imagine how hard that would be - I did ID as a Butch prior to transition, but was single when I transitioned. It would've been very difficult had I done it while with a partner, I'm sure.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by SelfMadeMan

I had already transitioned when we met, and she only knew me as male,

Yeah, totally not what I was trying to get at.

[BrutalDaddy]

Originally Posted by Soon

Yeah, totally not what I was trying to get at.

Maybe he misunderstood cause this is a thread about loving transmen?

There's tons of other threads about enjoying being with female/women ided butches from what I understand. Maybe try those out? Unless you're speaking of FTMs/transguys who do not ignore the fact they were female in the past? I know a few on here who have stated that and might be some threads on it.

I'm not exactly sure which you're speaking of so tried to cover both bases.


Just A Suggestion,
Brute.

[Soon]

BrutalDyke,

Have you read the thread? It's about femmes/women who have some difficulty with their partner's transition.

[DMW]

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I respect the writer's honesty in her feelings! I understand what she is saying totally. I think it may be easy to get caught up on terminology that to some may be offensive, but to others it is not. I think that being with someone that is transitioning is quite difficult because what is so often not seen is that the couple is transitioning, not just the trans-person. It is a difficult lifestyle for many reasons, one which I believe can be worked out with the right communication etc, but for some it is impossible because the lack of understanding on either side.
This is something that I believe is discussed (probably at length) prior to the person transitioning but it is really reallllllly hard to know what you are really in for until the transition actually takes place. Beyond surgeries,testosterone, social issues etc, there are so many issues and adjustments that are required.

I can totally concur with what this woman has said. I have seen it and lived it. I was successful with my relationship. But, she told me..before i came out to her that she didn't want to be with another transman. And i told her anyway. We met when i was a butch...this is just a quick note. But, i get it. She had been with a transman prior to me and it was really hard on her. She didn't want to go through the same experience.
We parted for reasons other than my being trans. It isn't easy for the women in these relationships. It really isn't. And unless the transman can be open and observe that she is also
going through it....and include her and reach out to her and not be so...self absorbed...she hasn't a chance in hell and neither does the relationship. I mean fortunately, for the two of us...
i was open to her and i shared a shit load. And she was patient and kind and understanding that...sometimes i needed space to read and learn and analyze myself.
But, i have seen some transmen get so self absorbed in their growth and change and the woman
just gets left out. It is sad. So, i feel for you. And, i feel for the other (significant others) that
have to struggle through that ...somewhat alone. I will leave this thread now. Cause i think this
is a special space for some of you. Feel free to send me a note.
Take care and good luck,
DMW

[Soon]

Also, Brutal Dyke...this is the Femme Zone...so, um, how about staying in the trans threads and letting me vent about my shit about my ex transitioning?

[femmsational]

Originally Posted by Soon

BrutalDyke,

Have you read the thread? It's about femmes/women who have some difficulty with their partner's transition.


WTF with you telling me about threads where I can find women/female ID butches?

Wow, really?


Not sure why you are hostile. But it's not a good look.

I didn't understand your earlier post either. Would you be able to explain it again in another way. Are you saying that you are mourning the loss of the body of someone you had been with when they transitioned?? Or are you saying that you are not happy about the transition idea at all?? Or what are you saying.

I don't understand what you're wanting to say??? It could easily be read as not liking the thought transitioning. But i'll hold off on anything else cause I really don't know what we are trying to talk about.



j

[femmsational]

Originally Posted by Soon

Also, Brutal Dyke...this is the Femme Zone...so, um, how about staying in the trans threads and letting me vent about my shit about ex transitioning?

Vent your shit but it would be nice if it didn't tranlate to taking your shit out on someone else.

Are we now only allowed to post in our little box here?

Holy cow....I need to step outta this cause I don't get it, and don't want it.


j

[BrutalDaddy]

Alrighty.

Soon, you said that wasn't what you were getting at. So I made a suggestion. If you want to get all bent out of shape over it, that's on you. Not me.

If I misread your statements in your original post then hey, that one is on me and I apologize for that. However, the attitude coming at me, from you, isn't on me. Good luck to you in your future.

Hope you have a great day/night.

Sorry For Derail Folks,
Brute.