Mental Illness

[Darth Denkay]

I've tried writing but it's not really helpful for me. What works best in my world is talking to one of my 6 therapists - my one "real" therapist, my 4 cats and 1 dog. Sometimes all it takes for me is to sit and pet one of them, say what needs to be said - they can definitely be the best medicine!

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have learned the best coping skill is writing, writing in journals, writing poetry and prose, etc helps.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Writing doesn't do it for everyone, some do art therapy, some do exercise, etc. Yes talking to a real therapist or an animal one is therapy too!

[Apocalipstic]

When I am out of my comfort zone I check things over and over. Like do I have my ticket, my room key, my passport.

I have in the past hoarded a bit, and been afraid to leave the house but I take medication for that now. I do still count and if I am stressed everything electric around me malfunctions.

I have to pace myself and not over-do.

Writing almost makes me worse. I do better talking things out.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I clean and ALOT sometimes when my OCD flares up or my bi polar goes mania

my other means are writing, listening to music and talking to others about similiar things.

[Andrew, Jr.]

A very good friend of mine told me that when he thinks of me, he thinks of Howie Mandel. He is the celebrity who is writing a book about his ocd, and his issues with shaking hands, washing hands over and over, and what it was like growing up with ocd.

In the Dec. 7th issue of People Magazine there is a small article on Howie. I hope this gives some insight to what it is like to have ocd. For me, I think you could change out Howie's name and insert my name and it would read the same.

Namaste,
Andrew

[SelfMadeMan]

Add me to the OCD club It's gotten better over time for me, but it's definitely there. I have a shower ritual, I eat a certain way, I check things, have to fold my laundry a certain way and HAVE to have certain things in the house a specific way. I also have a thing with numbers. When fueling the car - I can't stop on anything but whole dollar amounts. When I adjust the volume on the TV I have to stop it on 15, 20, 25 etc... not 16, 19, 21, etc. LOL. But most people would never know if they didn't live with me. So anyway... hello everyone!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Welcome Mike

Oh yes the sticking to the odd numbers, I do that sometimes too!

[JustLovelyJenn]

ok... So, I am going to do something a little unusual for me. In the past I have avoided these threads and discussion of such issues... That's not really working for me... So I am going to try something different, actually talking. People I am close to get this information, but the world at large has no idea...

To start with, I am too proud, and too stubborn to easily admit I need help with anything, and in my family there is such a terrible stigma around mental health that THIS is the worst to admit to...

As a youth , after the unexpected death of my younger sister, I did ask my parents for help, express concerns about how my head worked, and state that I didn't feel the same or right. The response was always the same. "There's nothing wrong with you", I was told, "Its all in your head, buck up and pull it together." Then there were the more extreme responses. "Your being ridiculous, a slacker, you just don't want to deal with things." " At this rate you will never get anywhere in life, when are you gonna learn to get a handle on things?" This attitude in my home lead me to the mistaken belief that these problems were things that happened to other people, not me. I have always had sympathy and tolerance for others, but none for myself... which, by the way, can make things so much worse.

I am still to this day trying to convince myself to trust a doctor enough to more formally address my concerns. But, I have a passion for learning and as I got older and truly had trouble doing the things I needed to do, I started to educate myself and handle my issues as best I could in the shadows... I have a likely (although not official) history of sever depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, OCD, self abuse, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety.

There are examples and reasons for each concern... but its not the easiest thing for me to talk about. I have no idea what, if anything, I will choose to post here... As a matter of fact, if I press the button to actually post THIS post... I will be shocked and amazed... But, I am here non the less, in yet another attempt to grow and survive.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn,

First of all, welcome.

Second of all, you are not alone. I think that our parents are in the age group where mental illness was a negative stigma. That is why I started the thread with the Glen Close psa's she is doing now - to eliminate the negative ideas surrounding mental illness. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

There is so much being done now, to help those of us who struggle with it on a daily basis. I outted myself as a hoarder because someone took pictures of my home without my consent and posted them for all to see. My thinking is that they thought they would be one up on me. Well, I always tell the truth. It is something I do. I have nothing to hide. I want to live my life as I am. So folks cannot handle the truth, so that is on them. I live as a Roman Catholic, and again, someone went directly to my Parish Priest and outted me as a FTM. What can he say or do? What can I say or do? Really? I view that individual as being really vindictive, & nasty. Someone who wants to inflict pain. Sure they succeeded. They hurt me a great deal. But in the end, really what did they accomplish in the eyes of God? That is what it really boils down too. Then someone said that I am a liar. Someone who has never met me, shaken my hand, eaten a meal with me, or anything. But yet goes around stating I am a liar. God help them is all I can say. In the end, everything comes back to bit you in the ass if you are not telling the truth. It is a fact of life. So, my point is this, why lie? See what I mean.

So, with all of that said, I just go on with my life. I have a good life. I may not be the fastest person on the uptake. Or have the biggest house on the block. Or have 3 vacation homes all over the world. But I have my faith, and I have Rosie, my furkids, and my adopted family, and some friends here. They give me my strength. Life is not fair. But you have to make peace with it so it won't screw up the rest of your life or your family.

Peace and ,
Andrew

PS: If you ever want to chat, please feel free to pm me. I am all ears.

[Apocalipstic]

I do things in a certain order too. I have been trying for 4 years to change my shower routine to brush my teeth before I get it, and I still am having trouble with that.

I also have PTSD, my father was very abusive and my mothers death when I was 13 was under questionable circumstances. Jenn, I am so sorry about your sister, I understand your pain.

I also get being afraid to get help. I have been the same way. I did go to therapy in my 20's, but not since then and am trying to find someone now to see. My father died last January and though I pretty much hated him I am havig a very hard time with it. I was even seeing him everywhere for a while and still hear his voice sometimes.

After my Mom died we moved to the US with her casket on the same plane as us and after the funeral, never spoke of her again. My father said "chin up little soldier". No therapy, no nothing. We left all out stuff, friends, everything. New schools in a new language, everyone hated us.

Anyway, there is so much more, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

I know Andrew Jr. and Wicket in person and they are wonderful guys, as I am sure everyone else posting here is! I hope you feel welcome here. I think it helps us all to get some of this stuff in the open.

xoxoxo

Jen

[Darth Denkay]

I just had a nice, long, detailed post all written and ready to go - when I hit submit the computer said no...

So I'm going to go with a bit shorter post and hope the computer cooperates.

The gist of my post is that it is very obvious how the already feels like a safe place. SO many have already posted very personal stuff - I really think this thread will be a wonderful source of support for many of us.

Not to exclude any of the other posters, but I did want to tell Jenn (JustLovelyJenn) that she was really brave to hit that submit button and put her story out here. You just took a very difficult, and very important, personal step.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by WicketWWarrick

I just had a nice, long, detailed post all written and ready to go - when I hit submit the computer said no...

So I'm going to go with a bit shorter post and hope the computer cooperates.

The gist of my post is that it is very obvious how the already feels like a safe place. SO many have already posted very personal stuff - I really think this thread will be a wonderful source of support for many of us.

Not to exclude any of the other posters, but I did want to tell Jenn (JustLovelyJenn) that she was really brave to hit that submit button and put her story out here. You just took a very difficult, and very important, personal step.

This made me cry. I really don't know why, but reading it... I just started to cry... Its not been very often in my life that anything I go through is acknowledged and accepted in such a warm manner. Thank you, so very much.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Holidays are hard for me. I struggle thru them. My depression is really bad this year. It is my 2nd year without my sister, JoAnn, and 30 some years without my brother, Jay. I find that life is very strange.

I think when you go thru life without your siblings you become different. You are much stronger than you ever realized. At the sametime, life changes - your reality changes. In fact, it is something I learned from Grief Share is that you create a new reality or a new routine. It is a coping means to survive the loss you endured. And there is nothing wrong with that.

[ksrainbow]

I have just read many of the posts regarding mental illness. personally I too acknowledge and accept that I have depression and anxiety dx's. My close friends and all family members know...and a relief it is that being open to both helps to live each day as I come face to face with the dx's! the support and understanding is wonderful but EDUCATION is of the utmost purpose! that I can assist those who are not familar with mental illness and educate them (if they ask) is theraputic for me and leads to understanding. May we all gather support, comfort and guidance from each other and share our personal travels with those who choose to seek knowledge and acceptance!

ksrainbow

[Andrew, Jr.]

KSRainbow,

I really like your signature line. It pretty much summs up my feelings lately.

Andrew

[JustLovelyJenn]

So, I'm suffering from insomnia pretty bad lately. Running on 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. My head just wont shut off. I have so many things filling the spaces, so much thought, I just cant stop it to go to sleep. I just keep waiting for the calm and it never comes. The thing is I don't understand why now, well... maybe I do. Things are finally going good for me, starting to. So this is when all the doubts kick in right? Cause it cant really last, something has to happen to take it all away. I don't want to feel that way this time.

All of it is because of me this time around the track. I am doing it for myself, not to please someone else, not because I am supposed to, not to give the impression of normalcy when I am screaming inside. I made these choices to bring around some good changes. I don't want to wait for it to all fall apart this time, I want it to keep getting better.

For the first time in my life I am living independently of someone else's desires and wants. Even though I am living with my parents, its my choice this time. A logical choice because I understand that my children, and my son in particular, will greatly benefit from their extra presence, and sharing my financial responsibilities with them will allow me to give my children opportunities I couldn't otherwise. I am in control of my life, and I am making healthy choices. THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

So why am I still feeling this way, why do I still hear that voice that says, your gonna fuck it up again? Why can't I be happy to be moving in the right direction? I'm working, and I love my job. I have a plan to go back to school and pursue the career I have always dreamed of. There is no reason for me to try and sabotage my own happiness. But, I feel myself starting to do it.

[Apocalipstic]

Jenn, I think that its how our brains are wired that makes us hear the voices saying awful things to us inside our heads. I have the same problem.

I think it is awesome that you parents are cool enough to share expenses and help you give your children great opportunities. Good for you!

For me, I know that when things are good, I kind of have a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen...probably one of the therapists among us can explain why that is. I think our brains get used to being in crisis and automatically stay in fight/flight mode.

I try to not beat myself up for not doing everything over night. I am learning not to be so hard on myself as long as I am making some (any) progress.

As for progress, I met with a therapist for the first time in almost 20 years yesterday and I think I am really going to like her. I felt very comfortable right off and felt heard. This is the first time I have ever been to therapy when things in my life are good. I need to work on past trauma and anger.

Have a great weekend all and try to take it easy on yourselves, especially with all the holidays stress and mahem.

[Darth Denkay]

Jenn,

I think Apocalipstic is right on in terms of her take on things. Folks who struggle with mental illness "learn" to expect things to go wrong. For us, everything is our lives can be going great but then the mental illness kicks in and knocks us off our feet. She also makes an excellent point about being in therapy when things are going well. Most of the time we use therapy to get out of hard spots and when things seem better then we quit. That's the general publics' perspective on how therapy should be used - get out of crisis mode then do it on your own. When you treat it that way you never get deep issues resolved - you're able to get a band-aid to temporarily feel better but the issues themselves aren't being fixed. Apocalipstic, I think you are doing a great thing by going to therapy now, when you can address the broader issues because you aren't focused on your current crisis.

Therapy can be really useful as a preventative tool but is seldom used that way. Just as individual therapy during the "good times" can be highly effective, couples therapy can be immensely helpful to keep a couple on track BEFORE they get into trouble. So many times therapy isn't initiated until things reach crisis point, and while then it becomes a necessity, crisis can often be avoided by preventative therapy. I'm currently in therapy. Things are fairly stable in my life, so I'm able to work on things that I couldn't if I was addressing crisis. To be perfectly honest, I believe that absolutely everyone on the planet has issues that could be addressed, ways that their life could be improved through therapy. Unfortunately therapy is seen as something only for those who are "sick."

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Jenn, I think that its how our brains are wired that makes us hear the voices saying awful things to us inside our heads. I have the same problem.

I think it is awesome that you parents are cool enough to share expenses and help you give your children great opportunities. Good for you!

For me, I know that when things are good, I kind of have a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen...probably one of the therapists among us can explain why that is. I think our brains get used to being in crisis and automatically stay in fight/flight mode.

I try to not beat myself up for not doing everything over night. I am learning not to be so hard on myself as long as I am making some (any) progress.

As for progress, I met with a therapist for the first time in almost 20 years yesterday and I think I am really going to like her. I felt very comfortable right off and felt heard. This is the first time I have ever been to therapy when things in my life are good. I need to work on past trauma and anger.

Have a great weekend all and try to take it easy on yourselves, especially with all the holidays stress and mahem.

[Darth Denkay]

I'm wondering if some of you may experience seasonal affect disorder (SAD), which basically means your depression worsens during the winter months. The theory is that this is related to less sunlight, although we don't know for sure. I wanted to mention a couple things. One, just be aware that this might happen to you - I'm certainly not saying that it will but it could. If things start to feel bad and nothing has changed in your life that may be what's going on.

Another thing that might be helpful is using a full-spectrum light which may offset the lack of sunlight. It doesn't require too much time a day - one of two 20 minute sessions are supposed to be useful. I bought one last fall and have used it ever since. I use it as my lightstand light, so when I lie in bed reading at night I'm getting its benefits. You can also get desk lamps if those will work better for you. I can't say for sure that the light made too much of a difference. However, last winter I did not have nearly as much trouble with SAD than I have in the past and that's the only thing I can think of that was different. It can't hurt. Here's a link to the product I use:

http://www.verilux.com/light-therapy...appylight-6000

Something to consider.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by WicketWWarrick

Jenn,

I think Apocalipstic is right on in terms of her take on things. Folks who struggle with mental illness "learn" to expect things to go wrong. For us, everything is our lives can be going great but then the mental illness kicks in and knocks us off our feet. She also makes an excellent point about being in therapy when things are going well. Most of the time we use therapy to get out of hard spots and when things seem better then we quit. That's the general publics' perspective on how therapy should be used - get out of crisis mode then do it on your own. When you treat it that way you never get deep issues resolved - you're able to get a band-aid to temporarily feel better but the issues themselves aren't being fixed. Apocalipstic, I think you are doing a great thing by going to therapy now, when you can address the broader issues because you aren't focused on your current crisis.

Therapy can be really useful as a preventative tool but is seldom used that way. Just as individual therapy during the "good times" can be highly effective, couples therapy can be immensely helpful to keep a couple on track BEFORE they get into trouble. So many times therapy isn't initiated until things reach crisis point, and while then it becomes a necessity, crisis can often be avoided by preventative therapy. I'm currently in therapy. Things are fairly stable in my life, so I'm able to work on things that I couldn't if I was addressing crisis. To be perfectly honest, I believe that absolutely everyone on the planet has issues that could be addressed, ways that their life could be improved through therapy. Unfortunately therapy is seen as something only for those who are "sick."

Thank you! Yes yes, in the past I have only gone to therapy when things were a disaster and I was in total crisis. What we worked on was getting me OK and we never even got to the deep issues. I forgot I did go to concelling for maybe 2 sessions 6 or 7 years ago during an awful break up and basically we talked on how to navigate the breakup, not how I allowed myself to get into that situation in the first place...same thing in my 20's. How deep are you able to dig when all you want to do is give up. You know?

I hope that now that things are stable I will be able to dig deep and actually give full attention to healing from childhood and early traumas.

Do you know anything about Brainspotting? She said that might be helpful.

On the subject of SAD...yes, I usually have a meltdown in February after we have not seen the sun in 6 weeks. Will try the bulbs, can't hurt! I wonder if people in places closer to the poles have an even more difficult time. We go to London every January for work and it seems to only be full daylight from 10-2. Some places never get to full daylight. I don't think I could handle that. Bright sunny days make me happiest.