Beyond the blues...The Mean Reds.

[cinderella]

Depression...not the clinical kind, but the kind that springs up every now and then, but in full raging force - The Mean Reds (a catch-phrase culled from Holly Golightly in Breakfast At Tiffany's).

I think some of you may understand...it's a desperate kind of feeling. You feel all alone with on one to turn to. You wonder what the hell you have done with your life to end up friendless and alone in what some would call 'the twilight years'. I am basically a happy person most times. I have been told by some that I am wise, comforting, give good advice, and am a great motivator. So why can't I do it for myself? It is an empty and colorless life I lead - not seeking sympathy here - my life is what I've made it. I just don't understand how I got to this place...

I started this thread, not to seek sympathy or empathy, but just wondering if anyone else has these feelings of quiet desperation, and how you handle them...I would love folks to come here and comment, purge, share experiences. Share you feelings - maybe we can help each other.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes, I have that depression. I suffered from several clinical depressions, and then once I got thru them I have discovered that I get into this state. It is worse than Hell itself. I know how you feel. It is a black hole that just sets me off. I want nothing to do with others, and lack motivation to even function in life itself.

[cinderella]

Andrew, I have known you for many years, and have been witness to your ups and downs. I know how especially hard it is for you, and heaven knows, you have more legitimate reasons to be depressed then I. But each one's measure of unhappiness and depression is different. The old adage of "I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw the man who had no feet." works for some, but not for all.

I am not saying that means one is insensitive to other's pain, or lacks understanding - I do understand, and I do feel the hurt of others', but that doesn't lessen mine. Everyone carries their own cross. But on the journey, we can help each other when the burden gets too heavy. Sometimes helping others lessens the weight of our own cross...

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Yes, I have that depression. I suffered from several clinical depressions, and then once I got thru them I have discovered that I get into this state. It is worse than Hell itself. I know how you feel. It is a black hole that just sets me off. I want nothing to do with others, and lack motivation to even function in life itself.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes it does. I do quite a bit of volunteer work and that has helped me a tremendous amount.

[cinderella]

Hmmm...food for thought. Maybe I should do the same, instead of focusing on my troubles - which I'm sure no one is interested in knowing - we all have those. It's that old axiom again: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone."

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Yes it does. I do quite a bit of volunteer work and that has helped me a tremendous amount.

[Apocalipstic]

I also have clinical depression, so I am not sure how much I can help other than I do have ups and downs depending on life.

I have to agree with Andrew, I was very sad about the Nashville Flood and how many friends were without homes and all the devastation. We got out and helped and I feel way better now.

Good luck Cinderella, I know how sad the blues can make one! Maybe take a couple of days for you, do things you enjoy as a special treat. A fresh manicure and pedicure always pep me up and does new hair color.

I also find ironing and organizing my closet helps.

and well....Lexapro.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Cinderella,

One thing that I think you may find helpful is to meditate. I meditate every single day. It has helped with my anxiety, and with learning to forgive others. And I mean true, down to earth forgiveness. I still struggle with forgiveness, mind you. But I have come a long way.

Plus I have the tendency of being an empath. I can walk thru a crowd and pick up on others emotions. And I carry them on my sleeve. Or if I see a tradegy unfold on tv...it sticks with me, and I have to go to Church to pray for them. Like 9-11, it devistated me. Then came the OK Federal Building, and so on. Like Jen said with the flooding, I have found myself in Church and meditating quite a bit.

[cinderella]

Hey, sweetie, thanks for participating and sharing. As I stated in my OP, I wasn't referring to 'clinical' depression - the kind that requires therapy and meds - I was talking more about those times when you feel so down and out that nothing anyone says or does, lightens your heart. I usually can shake myself out of it -mine comes from islolation and lonliness, and the fact that at my age I don't feel at all hopeful that I will ever experience romantic love again.

Lately, I am experiencing something I never thought I would - afraid of being taken advantage of financially and emotionally. Add to that the fact that I have issues of abandonment that stem from childhood. My father abandoned my 4-month pregnant mother when I was 3, and at 67, I still cannot come to terms with that. Add to the fact, that that bastard at 91 is still roaming this earth, while my mom who was such a good mother, wife and human is long gone. Brings to mind the axiom of 'only the good die young.

I'm sorry, I've said more then I should, but unloading like this is like a catharsis - in small increments, but cathartic no less...

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I also have clinical depression, so I am not sure how much I can help other than I do have ups and downs depending on life.

I have to agree with Andrew, I was very sad about the Nashville Flood and how many friends were without homes and all the devastation. We got out and helped and I feel way better now.

Good luck Cinderella, I know how sad the blues can make one! Maybe take a couple of days for you, do things you enjoy as a special treat. A fresh manicure and pedicure always pep me up and does new hair color.

I also find ironing and organizing my closet helps.

and well....Lexapro.

[cinderella]

Thank you for your suggestions, Andrew. You are a kind soul.

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Cinderella,

One thing that I think you may find helpful is to meditate. I meditate every single day. It has helped with my anxiety, and with learning to forgive others. And I mean true, down to earth forgiveness. I still struggle with forgiveness, mind you. But I have come a long way.

Plus I have the tendency of being an empath. I can walk thru a crowd and pick up on others emotions. And I carry them on my sleeve. Or if I see a tradegy unfold on tv...it sticks with me, and I have to go to Church to pray for them. Like 9-11, it devistated me. Then came the OK Federal Building, and so on. Like Jen said with the flooding, I have found myself in Church and meditating quite a bit.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Cinderella,

Remember, you may or may not have a spouse, but you are a part of our family here. And we love you inside and out.

[cinderella]

Thank you, sweet Andrew.

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Cinderella,

Remember, you may or may not have a spouse, but you are a part of our family here. And we love you inside and out.

[Kobi]

I am thinking the issue here is not depression but the existential angst we humans go thru now and then as we evaluate our lives and see it isnt what we expected or hoped it would be at various stages along the way.

I think it is a necessary process in individual human evolution as we grow and change. What used to have meaning for us no longer does. Hence, to where will we grow next?

It's kind of like "God" or whatever you believe in. giving you a slap upside the head, urging you to seek meaning and those experiences that can bring it.

I have found it to be a solitary endeavor, as noone can know your journey or thoughts, hopes, dreams any clearer than you can. Once clear, others can maybe help suggest how to get from here to there. But, even that is kind of subjective.

It is an uncomfortable place sometimes, but as with most processes....there are positive aspects and sucky aspects.

It might help to see it as growing pangs, knowing something good is at the end of the process.....a new way of thinking, a new way of being, getting out of your comfort zone, trying new things, taking risks, learning, experiencing, growing etc.

Sometimes, it might seem or even be overwhelming. But, I truly believe the answers you seek are within your grasp. Trust the process.

[cinderella]

Kobi, thank you for participating, and for your input. I agree with much of what you've said here, and you've said some very good things. However, as you said: "...no one can know your journey or thoughts...", you cannot state that I am not depressed. Existential angst? Of course, that is undoubtedly a part of it as well. But, yes, I do get depressed, so much so, that I have many times entertained the notion of commiting suicide. But, for good or not, I am too cowardly to do such a thing. I am not afraid of death - sometimes I think it would be a welcome thing, but I am afraid of the act itself - that's why I cannot do it.

For the most part, I am a happy and optomistic person - I love life, people (for the most part), and laughter. I love the earth we live in - I believe nature and all it's beauty are by far the greatest gift we have - I embrace it, and thank God for every morning I wake up. Still, that does not exempt me from feeling down and low at times. I am constantly trying to light a fire under myself, but somehow my motivation wans with the passing years...

Originally Posted by Kobi

I am thinking the issue here is not depression but the existential angst we humans go thru now and then as we evaluate our lives and see it isnt what we expected or hoped it would be at various stages along the way.

I think it is a necessary process in individual human evolution as we grow and change. What used to have meaning for us no longer does. Hence, to where will we grow next?

It's kind of like "God" or whatever you believe in. giving you a slap upside the head, urging you to seek meaning and those experiences that can bring it.

I have found it to be a solitary endeavor, as noone can know your journey or thoughts, hopes, dreams any clearer than you can. Once clear, others can maybe help suggest how to get from here to there. But, even that is kind of subjective.

It is an uncomfortable place sometimes, but as with most processes....there are positive aspects and sucky aspects.

It might help to see it as growing pangs, knowing something good is at the end of the process.....a new way of thinking, a new way of being, getting out of your comfort zone, trying new things, taking risks, learning, experiencing, growing etc.

Sometimes, it might seem or even be overwhelming. But, I truly believe the answers you seek are within your grasp. Trust the process.

[WolfyOne]

I go through bouts of depression. I already know the signs of my highs and lows. For me, I think it's more now than ever in my past. Moving to a state where I have no friends and being a pretty private person for the most part about my personal life increases my bouts. I think burdening anyone else with things going on in my life is something I'm not programmed to do. I know I have plenty of friends that will listen. Just not any that live close by and phone calls aren't always the same when needing someone.

I do like to be alone sometimes, but not secluded. Changing some things in my life will stop the depression and I know this. But, if it is to be, it is up to me. I can pull myself out of this.....what I call, funk. After all, I'm the one that put me in it.

[always2late]

Posting a link for Dysthymia Depression

http://www.depressionplace.com/dysthymia.html

[cinderella]

Tho said in a different way, Wolfy, your words echo mine - we are so on the same page...

Originally Posted by WolfyOne

I go through bouts of depression. I already know the signs of my highs and lows. For me, I think it's more now than ever in my past. Moving to a state where I have no friends and being a pretty private person for the most part about my personal life increases my bouts. I think burdening anyone else with things going on in my life is something I'm not programmed to do. I know I have plenty of friends that will listen. Just not any that live close by and phone calls aren't always the same when needing someone.

I do like to be alone sometimes, but not secluded. Changing some things in my life will stop the depression and I know this. But, if it is to be, it is up to me. I can pull myself out of this.....what I call, funk. After all, I'm the one that put me in it.

[cinderella]

Thanks for the link Always2Late. It is a very interesting article.

Originally Posted by always2late

Posting a link for Dysthymia Depression

http://www.depressionplace.com/dysthymia.html

[Heart]

Cinderella, have you thought about some therapy to help with those mean reds? It could be very helpful. Or maybe some kind of fellowship - like Alanaon? Do you live alone? Would it help to live with someone or in more of a community? There are very interesting senior cooperative communities around the country these days. There's also SAGE and other organizations for queer seniors. Reducing the isolation you feel is important in alleviating the mean reds I think. Wishing you the best.

http://www.sageusa.org/index.cfm

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by WolfyOne

I go through bouts of depression. I already know the signs of my highs and lows. For me, I think it's more now than ever in my past. Moving to a state where I have no friends and being a pretty private person for the most part about my personal life increases my bouts. I think burdening anyone else with things going on in my life is something I'm not programmed to do. I know I have plenty of friends that will listen. Just not any that live close by and phone calls aren't always the same when needing someone.

I do like to be alone sometimes, but not secluded. Changing some things in my life will stop the depression and I know this. But, if it is to be, it is up to me. I can pull myself out of this.....what I call, funk. After all, I'm the one that put me in it.

I can so relate to this. I've been up here in the PNW for more than 4 years. Though I initially moved up here with someone and there ARE lovely members of our community here, that person is no longer in my life (of my own choice) and the site members are over an hour away and have their own lives to lead. I often feel very isolated.

So, how does one 'fix' this? Well, sometimes you can't. Sometimes you have to do what your Momma said and just lie in it for a while. For myself, that only works for so long. So, I'm starting over again, nearly from scratch.

It's a frightening, humiliating experience and I'm sure there will be quite a few down days before I find my balance, but it's what I feel is best for me.

I have S.A.D. and the winters up here are brutal, not only on my delicate senses (the usual cracked hands, runny nose, etc) but they are LONG and GRAY and I've given not only pieces of myself to it these years I've been up here but pieces of others that I didn't have permission to give.

I can't change the disorder, but I can change my circumstances.

[cinderella]

Thank you, Heart, for your thoughtful and kind words. You've made some excellent suggestions, many of which I have already entertained. However, I live in a very isolated place where this no gay community at all. The nearest would be Philadelphia or NYC. Both are approximately 2 hours more or less from me. Both would include a stay-over if I ventured there, and I have financial issues which would make staying at a hotel/motel impossible. A day trip would involve leaving before dark, as I have trouble seeing clearly at night, so I don't drive at nightfall.

As for therapy, I can't afford it for one, and for another it's just not for me. I have tried it several times in the past, and it's done nothing for me.

I do want to find community, but there is none in The Poconos that I know of, or any members of this site nearby that I'm familiar with.

As for a seniors organization - I have heard of Sage. They have weekly meetings and social gaterings. But again, the nearest Sage I know of is located in NYC, and the social events are usually in the evenings.

But you are correct - it's the isolation and lack of contact with the gay community that is causing me this depression. I do have friends on here I speak on the phone with occassionally, and that assauges the pain somewhat, at least for the time we're speaking, but once the phone is hung up, the lonliness comes back. It is difficult to say the least - and I'm in pretty good shape considering. I have no friends or family that are close, so yes, the isolation and seperation is acute.

But I don't want this thread to be just about me...I want others to come here to share their experiences and feelings as well.

Originally Posted by Heart

Cinderella, have you thought about some therapy to help with those mean reds? It could be very helpful. Or maybe some kind of fellowship - like Alanaon? Do you live alone? Would it help to live with someone or in more of a community? There are very interesting senior cooperative communities around the country these days. There's also SAGE and other organizations for queer seniors. Reducing the isolation you feel is important in alleviating the mean reds I think. Wishing you the best.

http://www.sageusa.org/index.cfm