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Old 05-17-2013, 10:20 AM   #1
chris1life
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Default My 13 year old told me she is a lesbian

Alright this is my first thread and Maybe I'll be able to explain without it sounding nuts. My daughter is 13 she came out to me a week or so ago that's how I found this site. Was looking for someone That is going through something similar. I tried to talk to my mom but I was in my early 20 when I came out she doesnt quite understand. I myself being butch and married to a woman has no problem with her being a lesbian. I'm actually very proud that she had the nerve and awareness to do it now. This is my concern for her as her mother. As I've said in other post we live in small town Mississippi and the tolerance for us is small. I worry people will b mean to her. Kids are awful to each other. I worry that she will have to go through the confusion I went through regarding my identity. I worry that if she does experience a lot of hate she will blame me for it. This can be a hard life, yes its getting better but we still Have a long way to go. I look at her and am so proud of her but at the same time its a little sad. Id always hoped she would be straight just to save her heart ache. Her fathers side of the family is very religious and she is close to them. I'm worried how they will treat her. We talked she knows I support her and love her and she also knows if someone messes With her mama bear will be there for her. I guess my question is this how do you help someone so young find themselves or do you help and how do you help them when friends or family is cruel. I want to be there for her and I want her to be happy. All of that may seem like rambling but I was older and dealt with things on my own but she is still just a kid.
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:21 AM   #2
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I don't know the answers, but am so glad she has your support!
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:29 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by chris1life View Post
Alright this is my first thread and Maybe I'll be able to explain without it sounding nuts. My daughter is 13 she came out to me a week or so ago that's how I found this site. Was looking for someone That is going through something similar. I tried to talk to my mom but I was in my early 20 when I came out she doesnt quite understand. I myself being butch and married to a woman has no problem with her being a lesbian. I'm actually very proud that she had the nerve and awareness to do it now. This is my concern for her as her mother. As I've said in other post we live in small town Mississippi and the tolerance for us is small. I worry people will b mean to her. Kids are awful to each other. I worry that she will have to go through the confusion I went through regarding my identity. I worry that if she does experience a lot of hate she will blame me for it. This can be a hard life, yes its getting better but we still Have a long way to go. I look at her and am so proud of her but at the same time its a little sad. Id always hoped she would be straight just to save her heart ache. Her fathers side of the family is very religious and she is close to them. I'm worried how they will treat her. We talked she knows I support her and love her and she also knows if someone messes With her mama bear will be there for her. I guess my question is this how do you help someone so young find themselves or do you help and how do you help them when friends or family is cruel. I want to be there for her and I want her to be happy. All of that may seem like rambling but I was older and dealt with things on my own but she is still just a kid.

Kids, even in Mississippi, are a lot better than they used to be. All you can do is be there for her and support her. She is brave to have come out so young. But being so young you have to realize that her identity is still developing and let her know that it doesn't have to be set in stone. I think you have to let her reveal herself at her own pace and in her own way, and be there to catch her when there's fallout. She has an opportunity to define herself as she sees fit, something most of us were not afforded until much later in life. She is blessed.

I know you worry about her because she's gay, but if you think of it, she is really lucky, for a young lesbian. She has a mom who truly understands, and also accepts and supports her. How many of us can say we had that?

I know you hate that you can't protect her from bigotry, but it is not so hard to wage a battle in the world when you have a supportive place to come home to.
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:06 AM   #4
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Thumbs up WOOO HOO !!

First of all, congratulations on raising such a self-aware and courageous young woman--she sounds amazing!

A couple of passing thoughts fwiw...

I think you should share with her *exactly* what you wrote here. In it's entirety. On one hand, she lives in her adolescent world and knows exactly how hostile it is and likely has a sense of how bad it could be too. Share with her your specific concerns about that as well as your concerns about her religious family. I think being specific at the potential for loss is vital--we've all lost friends &/or family b/c we're queer!

Continuing to talk with her and give her the tools to negotiate friendships, family, homophobia, internalized shame, girlfriends, sex--all of it--will make the difference for her too. Trust your instincts ButchMamaBear--you do know her. Given the fact of your small town etc.--there is something to be said for coming out selectively (over time?) for self-preservation and also, this allows her to mature into herself and her identity. I know this was my path and it worked well for me.

Please keep us all posted!--I'm so excited for you!
(And CIJS, I have a delightful 9yo boy but truly, the queerest thing about him is me and my ex-wife !)
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:36 AM   #5
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Thanks everyone! I realize she is still young enough that she may change her identity several times before she is grown. My wife and I have decided to just go with whatever she is trying out. Whether it be, gay, straight, or whatever gender she identifies as. Ha I do see my wife smiling With a lot of pride while my daughter is digging through makeup And her shoes. She finds it quite amusing that I may be raising a little femme. Especially while I stand there confused over eye liners and which lip sticks are the best. My daughter seems to be the mom sometimes telling me "mom don't worry I'm just me and my friends don't care." We are trying to b very open about life with her even though I squirm a little at her curiosity. Ha but that is just me being mom. And damn it she is still my baby *sigh* well I'd like for her to b anyway.
I will definitely keep ya posted looking forward and cringing over what is still to come!
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:53 AM   #6
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I live in Tennessee and kids are so much better about things than they used to be. Even in the rural county in which I live there are several lesbians in high school who have been out since Jr. High.
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Old 05-17-2013, 01:57 PM   #7
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It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, and a great mom to support her! And a femme role model, even LOL. I think the best you can do is what you said--let her be who she is and be there as much as you can. I know the negativity that's there around coming out can be intense, but she may have a different experience and be lucky, you know? Also, the kids always have to go out into the big wide world at some point. She can only grow from this.
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Old 05-28-2013, 10:00 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by chris1life View Post
Thanks everyone! I realize she is still young enough that she may change her identity several times before she is grown. My wife and I have decided to just go with whatever she is trying out. Whether it be, gay, straight, or whatever gender she identifies as. Ha I do see my wife smiling With a lot of pride while my daughter is digging through makeup And her shoes. She finds it quite amusing that I may be raising a little femme. Especially while I stand there confused over eye liners and which lip sticks are the best. My daughter seems to be the mom sometimes telling me "mom don't worry I'm just me and my friends don't care." We are trying to b very open about life with her even though I squirm a little at her curiosity. Ha but that is just me being mom. And damn it she is still my baby *sigh* well I'd like for her to b anyway.
I will definitely keep ya posted looking forward and cringing over what is still to come!
...they'll always be our babies. I think if you love them and are always on their side - like you are doing - they will grow up able to take on the World...
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:46 AM   #9
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Default Challenges

Hey, you sound like a wonderful and very caring parent; much like my own mom, who wasn't remotely angry about my sexuality but also worried about what a tough life it would be for me. Remember this, though; a hetero life can be just as tough if not tougher. I had a few straight relationships when I was younger, some just to please my family and friends and others because I do seem to have a bit of attraction for beautiful, androgynous men. For every good memory I have of this time there's a lot of pain and heartbreak; relationships, whether you're dating a man, woman, boxed turtle, any living being (lol!), aren't easy, and neither is life in general--just make sure your daughter always had Momma's loving arms to run to, it makes all the difference.



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Old 05-30-2013, 03:56 PM   #10
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Hey everyone. Thanks for all of the support and kind words. She is doing rather well. She has a crush on a girl so we will see how this goes.
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