Talking to family

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi all. I originally posted this is the Top Surgery thread but didn't get any responses so I'm moving it here. Again, please let me know if I should post it somewhere else.

My partner is trans and is having surgery in April. I’ve been trying to come up with effective language to share this news with my family. Terms like “top surgery” and "T" and “trans” are not in my mother’s vocabulary so I don’t think “Hey Mom, partner’s having top surgery” is going to work. This conversation will also encompass a “Hey Mom, partner’s trans” component. I am not apologetic, but I am trying to be sensitive. I’m anticipating this conversation to be at the very least moderately uncomfortable and more likely quite uncomfortable and painful. (This doesn't account for coming out to neighbors, family friends, extended family, etc., which will almost definitely be much more that moderately uncomfortable.). My sister is very likely to be supportive or lovingly indifferent. One friend suggests telling sis and having sis tell mom!

Regarding surgery, I feel like the words “double mastectomy” are so loaded and cancer-implying that I’m hesitant to use them. “Boobectomy”, partner’s occasional description of upcoming procedure also seems not quite right. My mom does has some awareness of the non-traditional nature of our relationship (I refer to my partner as my lesbian husband) and my understanding of gender/gender expression as a non-linear experience (not in such enlightened, currently PC, self-aware terms, but in concept. ) I made her read Well of Loneliness and she kind of seemed to “get it” – whatever that means. Regardless, I’m still floating around in my head with all this.

So, carefully-crafted sentences aside, how do I tell my mom my partner’s trans? I am planning to do this in writing – partly for my own comfort level, partly to allow the info to settle in without me sitting right there next to my mom nervously awaiting love and understanding or rejection and grossed outness (or any combination in between). I’m interested in feedback from anyone willing to share – trans folks, partners of trans folks, butch, femme, TG butch, gender-nonspecific, queer, other, etc… How did you tell the people who matter to you? How do you feel about the approach you took? How did it go? Did it go as you expected? Better? Worse? Anything you’d do differently? I know every situation is different. I'm not looking for an indisputable formula, just thoughts and insights based on your particular experiences.

Thank you so much in advance for any replies! If you are more comfortable PMing me, please feel free.

[Nadeest]

First off, how does your partner want to handle it? With all due respect, you really have to find out his wishes. I know that it is YOUR family, but .... is it truly fair to out someone without their permission?

That being said, I am presuming that you and he have talked, and he is leaving the matter in your capable hands. Since you do have time, you might want to just casually start using 'he' vice 'she', when referring to him in conversation with your family. Sooner or later, they are going to get curious and ask about that, I suspect.

I think that it helps to keep explanations simple, at least at first. Basically, that he was born in the wrong body, and he is working to fix the problem, as best as he can [male mind and gender identity, but female body ] . I tend to use the reasoning that mad scientists have avoiding doing brain transplants, ever since Dr. Frankenstein got into so much trouble for it, so I am remodeling my body to make it more comfortable for me to live in. :P If they ask any questions, you can start making more elaborate explanations then.

When I came out, I told my youngest brother via email, as we lived so far apart. I told my parents via letter, after their trailer was safely snowed in, so they could not come up from Florida ( I was living in Michigan, at the time.), and start screaming at me. That way, if they started yelling at me over the phone, I could simply hang up, and unplug the phone. Actually, that first phone call went fairly well, and they didn't come up to Michigan that next summer, due to medical issues.

Overall, my coming out went fairly smoothly. Mind you, the next time that my dad saw me in person, he told me that I was going to die of AIDS, but, that is the way that he thought, too. He didn't understand, at all, as he was a very material person, the kind that thought that a tree was a tree, and not also a collection of molecules, with lots of empty space inbetween.

My mom was more understanding, and accepts me fully. So far, the rest of my family is pretty much a tossup, looks like. I don't talk to them much, and we don't live in the same area, so I don't have to deal with them.

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi Nadeest,

Thanks for your post. I really love how you refer to remodeling your body to make it more comfortable to live in. It's so honest and can serve as a gentle opening to bigger conversations, if and when we want to have them. I’m also planning on writing to my family. I will probably email my mom and sis at the same time, so they can talk to each other if they want. I think my fear/anticipation of potential reactions is greater than the reality will ever be.

I appreciate your concern regarding my partner’s preference on how we handle this. We have most definitely talked about it! No outing without permission going on here!

Thanks again for sharing part of your story with me. I'm glad you have the full support and love of your mom.

[SleepyButch]

Hi there! I know this is a scary situation. I think most of us here have had to come out in one form or another to someone we loved not knowing how they would handle it.

For me, my sister tells my mom everything. She told her I was queer way back when and the most recent thing was that I am in a polyamorous relationship. That went over really well. Let me say that I did not ask my sister to tell her anything!

If you are going to write an e-mail to you mom, just be honest about how your partner feels about himself and why he is making this change. Not sure if she's ever heard of Chaz Bono but I think if it were me, I'd tell my mom something like, he is just like Chaz. My mom would know who Chaz is lol.
Not sure she would accept it regardless but at least she would know what I was talking about.

You could refer to it as "top surgery" which is like a mastectomy in women with breast cancer. The surgery may be the same but it's for totally different reasons.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any means. I just think honesty really is the best policy. It makes things a lot less confusing in my opinion. Doesn't mean I'm right but doesn't mean I'm wrong either.

Best of luck to you and yours!

[Ginger]

Hi, Red.

If there's an LGBT center in your area where you feel comfortable, I would start by making an appointment with a counselor who can advise you and your partner on how to start this process.

I would also make a plan to see that person regularly, so you can check in with someone who has a sense of your context and recent history, to help you grounded as you navigate through what might be an unpredictable and volatile situation.

Your instinct to reach out for advice is really healthy. I hope you find a competent, compassionate and knowledgeable person to help you make the right choices about how to communicate all this to your family and loved ones.

Ginger

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event.

We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction.

Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that?

I hope you all have a great night!

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

Hi Sleepy and Ginger. Thanks so much for your suggestions and support! We do have supportive folks to talk about this with, which is great. I've started to relax about the whole thing too. My family will not reject us. We are loved. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but it not be a relationship-ending event.

We are going with a simple, honest, underwhelming reveal (email, probably this weekend). Give them the basics and let them go where they feel most comfortable, at the rate that works best for them. We will be as open with them as we can/want to. But I'm beginning to realize (what might be obvious to everyone else), that I/we set the tone for the reaction.

Thanks again for all the ideas. Changing body in order to make it more comfortable to live in - that's just indisputable! Who can argue with that?

I hope you all have a great night!

Best of Luck! Let us know how it went and good luck to your partner on his surgery!

[Red Dirt Girl]

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

[Red Dirt Girl]

i hope i don't sound disrespectful to folks who either have come out themselves (which I imagine could be a lot more difficult than my situation) or those who just in general are likely to have a really difficult time with this. that's not my intention at all. i just needed some support and appreciate being able to ask this community for it.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

Sending you positive energy!

[Nadeest]

You didn't sound disrespectful at all, to my mind.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

I just emailed my sister and told her about my partner. I'm sitting here with a nervous tummy hoping for a reply. i had started to write an email to both my mom and sis but as i was writing it i got an email from my sister (unrelated) and decided to just tell her first. i think she will be supportive and i kind of think she won't be surprised but i am still rather anxious. thanks for listening.

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

[Red Dirt Girl]

Originally Posted by little_ms_sunshyne

Sending you positive energy!

thank you!

[Red Dirt Girl]

Originally Posted by Ginger

That's a really good strategy, to start with the person most likely to be supportive, and move out from that base with that person as a tacit ally.

Remember, they might not all be supportive—but if you stay connected with that supportive person, it might help.soe or afew is better than none.

thanks ginger. i agree.

god, i just don't know how to tell my mom. i don't want her to feel that i've been deceptive. i'm not very concerned about other's reactions, just mom and sis. and a few others now that i think about it more. many of our friends already know and are supportive. it's just the nearest and dearest i'm so sensitive about.

[DMW]

Hello Reddirtgirl,

I remember you from the old site. So, it pains me that you are struggling.
The two of you will get through this. It is difficult to put it all into terms.
I actually wrote a few things awhile back. I will share them.


One step at a time and one person at a time. Don't let fear keep
you from showing the proper respects to those you deem worthy.

For my direct family, the sooner I told each individual the better.
It allowed each of them time to absorb the idea and reflect. It allowed me
more time to make myself available for their questions and their need to discuss. I tried to reveal my transition ,in person, as much as possible.
My second method was via phone call.

The coming out to extended family was written in letter form and mailed to each simultaneously. I informed them all because some would be seeing me in person for a family event. mailing the letters allowed time for each to come to their own terms with the idea and to talk to one another. And, later, talk to me in person. Delaying the mass letter mailing had another advantage. My direct family understood much more about being trans and about my personal feelings and thus, allowed them to explain to and talk to extended family.


Each person will respond differently. They are individuals.
I knew that I could not expect acceptance from anyone because I had to allow them the freedom to go through their own process of first trying to understand, ask questions etc ...and then accepting my truth or not. In addition, I had to respect that they had to be able to accept me no matter what and for some it may not be possible. And for the individuals that I knew would accept me no matter what, they would still have to deal with change. It's a big change but you are still the same person they have always known.
It is really difficult when you know that the ones you love will love you
no matter what. But, Red...you are not harming them. It's ok.

I would suggest that you tell your sister first and gather off of her how
to best engage with your mother. Talking to your sister about it first, will also help you. She will have questions etc. and time to think about it and ask you more questions... It will relieve some of the pressure and anxiety on you.
It will also prep you and give you strength for the next round.

My notes are choppy. Wasn't sure i was going to share.
I have not read all of the thread either. Feel free to pm me. Maybe I can
share more. hugs for both of you.

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi all,

As promised, I'm here to tell you how everything worked out with telling my mom about my partner's transition. I have to say, I don't think it could have gone any better. I'm so proud of my mom!! And I'm so relieved.

I sent her an old-fashioned, snail mail, hand-written letter. I prefaced it with a disclaimer that no one was sick or dying, and moved quickly and honestly into the main story. I won't go into the details of the letter unless someone wants to know, but according to mom, it was a beautiful and eloquent letter (look at me, tooting my own horn... tee hee.) She summarized her reaction by cutely saying "I guess I have a new son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law." Pretty great.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Yay for mom and yay for releasing secrets!!

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by Red Dirt Girl

Hi all,

As promised, I'm here to tell you how everything worked out with telling my mom about my partner's transition. I have to say, I don't think it could have gone any better. I'm so proud of my mom!! And I'm so relieved.

I sent her an old-fashioned, snail mail, hand-written letter. I prefaced it with a disclaimer that no one was sick or dying, and moved quickly and honestly into the main story. I won't go into the details of the letter unless someone wants to know, but according to mom, it was a beautiful and eloquent letter (look at me, tooting my own horn... tee hee.) She summarized her reaction by cutely saying "I guess I have a new son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law." Pretty great.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Yay for mom and yay for releasing secrets!!

That is awesome! I'm happy for the both of you. Our parents know a lot more than we give them credit for at least in my case anyway. What a huge weight off of your shoulders. Whew!

[Breathless]

It has been my experience that the expectation of reaction is often much more scary in your head. Keep in mind, you have had time to think, process, and be rational, news like this first delivered can be a bit of a shock. How often do we hear the phrase, ' I didn't see that coming' patience, understanding, honesty, and some time to process... Your family loves you both, who you truly both are is not changing, just the body your living bits are housed in ;-)

[Red Dirt Girl]

Thanks for all the sweetness and support!

We are just 10 days out!!! A whole lifetime of wearing a mask and now just 10 days to go...

xox